BLACK DOG 8

Oh Annie when I read your posts I get so angry at myself because I don't have your issues so should be able to get myself together.

I love Johnny Cash too and also find some of the songs he sings with June quite emotional too. Sorry it upset you though.

Thanks for that BlueSky I have been 'Meh' and hope to get back there soon. I think there is slight improvement.

Thanks Doodle I don't know what is 'troubling' me, I think that makes it worse. It is not that I don't want to share it, it feels like something just hit me but I don't know what.

Scardycat so glad walking helps you and some of the others. I do like to go out and walk but it is only beneficial when I am out, doesn't help when I get home.

Lavender good luck with the packing, are you managing to throw anything away? That is the hardest part.

Chrissy sorry you are going through a tough time, I am sure you will get support on here when/if you feel ready to share.

nonnie. I have my troubles, you have yours, we all have and they are all equal in that they cause emotional pain.

Because I live on my own and can’t share can have advantages,
I don’t have to pretend all is ok because there is no one there.

lavender is coping with moving house, this can be exhausting , emotional.

You don’t feel the benefit of a walk when you return home but
you have that benefit when on your walk so do keep walking x

Had a telephone call this afternoon. The neighbour who found the wheelchairs for me lodged a complaint to the health board, told them I had been neglected and deprived of health care, I am struggling in much pain, have asked for help but refused, why is this so when someone with self inflicted problems (next door) receives full support ! ! ! !

The person who telephoned today apologised, I am having home visits from an occupational therapist to see what equipment I need to make the arthritis more manageable and
a physiotherapist to see how badly twisted my leg is and if there is anything which will help me with walking .

Some surprise !

Well Annie about time too! Well done to your neighbour, an incredible situation to be in when you are on your own. Looks as if things will move now Annie so pleased for you.
Nonnie and Annie see that you both like country music, my ex husband did too, but being the controlling person he was, no other music was allowed. Therefore I’ve loathed it with a vengeance ever since.
Have a pleasant evening everybody.

Evening all.
Lavender -don’t work too hard packing. It’s very tiring and can be emotional too . Do you have a date yet? Thank you for your kind thoughts.
Chrissy- I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow and your Doctor is able to reassure you. I hope too whatever is troubling you will be resolved soon.
Doodle- winter trees are lovely as you see the beautiful shapes that emerge when the leaves drop away. Hope you,ve had a good day.
Nonnie- please don,t be so hard on yourself. Your feelings and problems are no less important than anyone else’s. Please keep walking though - while you’re out in the air it is doing you good and clears your mind for a while. We are all here for youxx
Annie - at last something good is happening for you.Hopefully now you will be able to begin to get more mobile. So glad your neighbour was able to help you. You so deserve to be helped as your will to help yourself is unbelievable. It’s really good news.
I expect your MT will be delighted to hear what has happened.
Bluesky, Joce and anyone I,ve forgotten I hope you have a good nightxx

Evening everyone
Doodle Thank you. Something was said by a member of my family to another family member about me and I felt totally humiliated. I may say more about it but not yet. I need to get tomorrow out of the way.
Annie I think you’re right about thoughts of Christmas overwhelming us. As far as listening to music goes, I get upset if I go in shops and they’re playing Christmas carols, always makes me think of Christmases when I was young. I’m not sure why it makes me tearful. I’m so glad that your neighbour complained on your behalf, hopefully now you will get the support you need and deserve.
Thank you Nonnie. I’m sorry you don’t know what’s bothering you. I hope that you start feeling better soon.
Thanks Scaredycat. I hope I do get reassurance tomorrow.
I hope everyone else is ok.

I think I’ve held it together fairly well since I spoke to the GP on the phone last Wednesday but today I’ve started to get very anxious about tomorrow. The whatif’s are back.
I’ve been thinking that in the past I’ve got myself into a right state while waiting to see the GP or waiting for the results of tests and so far nothing bad has happened. So I’ve been anxious today thinking that, because I’ve managed to stay relatively calm for the last week, does it mean that this time there will be a bad outcome. I know that sounds silly but it’s going round and round in my head. I think that there won’t be much sleep for me tonight.
Have a nice evening and sleep well everyone x

Chrissy you have been strong, be proud, why should it be
different this time ? Please don’t fall into the trap of superstition.

Stay calm, try to be positive, we are here for you and for
staying so calm for over a week - ? x

Hugs x

Nonnie it is never easy to “pull yourself together” is it. If something is wrong and troubling us it’s impossible to ignore it and move on. Maybe others can but those of us in the BDG can’t manage it.
I hope that dreadful feeling moves on from you soon and you start feeling better.
Annie what a surprise. Good for your neighbour to shake things up a bit. Too true you have been neglected.
I do hope this time you get something more useful out of the visits.
Bluesky how have you been today?
Scaredycat no walk for us today it’s been cold and wet. We quite often walk even when it’s raining, just to get out a bit but today we had lots of work to do indoors so we stayed in.
Did you go out?
Chrissy I’m so sorry that must be quite upsetting. Try not to think about it until you’ve had your appointment tomorrow. I hope all goes well. Don’t forget your list of questions.
Oh Chrissy you and I are more alike than you realise. I’ve just read your last paragraph and it’s my way of thinking too.
I think you and I may suffer from a too vivid imagination that keeps coming up with all sorts of scenarios. Try and sleep tonight.
lavender hope the packing is going well.
Sleep well all x

Annie that neighbour sounds very caring. Perhaps you can be pathetic, helpless, little old lady to the OT and get her to push for more help? Hope something good comes out of it.

Chrissy that sounds horrid, can you get into a 'don't care' frame of mind? Since our son died unexpectedly my attitude has totally changed, I really am not bothered by people whose attitudes are unhelpful, I have dropped a couple, one of whom is a close relative. There are so many lovely people in the world that I found I really didn't care once I had done it.

If only we could block the whatifs from our minds but they come whether we like it or not. You overthink things but if you are made that way you can't help it. Be kind to yourself.

Thanks Doodle.

Bright frosty day today so DH and I are going for a walk, will be short as he has knee problems. Bought Christmas cards from a local charity, persuaded them to post to me. Taken the blank labels from the file so that is 2 little steps I have taken. Yesterday's knitting got unpicked, not happy with what I have done. Hoping these baby steps are the beginning of feeling better.

Hope you all have the crisp sunshine we have and that today you are all found to be in tier one.

Hi all x

*nonnie, if I could go for a walk this morning I wouldn’t,
fog and heavy frost .

Chrissy I was very close to my three sisters, 4 years ago come January things were said which were so cruel, we haven’t
spoken since. I agree with nonnie there are lovely people in the world . Don’t let unkind people affect your life x

Morning all x Lovely if frosty sunshine here so we too will be out for walk, not a long walk as DH is limited, like yours Nonnie by what his sciatica will allow him to do.
Annie unbelievable how family can be so cruel. I haven’t got any brothers or sisters, I used to feel it would have been nice, but not after what I hear from other people who do have siblings.
The ‘Whatifs’ have been the bane of my life, I’m still trying to keep them at bay.
Hope you’ll all have a nice day x

Hello all. Sorry for your weather Annie we have brilliant sunshine here. I will send you some ?
Nonnie sorry about your husbands knee. Has he just twisted it or does he have a knee problem.
I often undo my sewing too. If you’re not happy with it, it’s better to start again. Glad to hear you are doing some small jobs moving on to feeling better I hope.
Bluesky sciatica is so painful. Hope you enjoy your walk without it causing too much of a problem to your DH.
Oh those ‘what ifs’. They rival in my thoughts with the ‘if only’s’ .
Chrissy hope the appointment with the Gp went of and you have been reassured.
Take care gang.

Hello all.
Nonnie- hope you had a nice walk in the sunshine today. Really dark and damp here but we still went out and then came back to the news that we are in Tier 3! Feel so sorry for the hospitality industry but it is the right decision for here at the moment. Maybe now people will do as they have been asked to do. Well done Nonnie- those baby steps are hopefully the start of you recovering from this difficult period.
Annie- every time you mention your sisters I feel so sad for you. They should appreciate the kind,brave and wise lady you are. It makes me feel so fortunate to have my lovely sister who is the best person I know. Hope MT continues doing well
Bluesky- I too live with the “Whatifs” and they go hand in hand with the overactive imagination. These are the things that wake me early so many mornings. Sometimes I just wish I could turn my head off!!
Doodle- glad you have sunshine today too. It’s been so dark today - no fair weather walkers out today.
Chrissy - hope your appointment went well today.
I,m very tired today as I had A fib in the night- it’s definitely worse since the Pandemic . I think many people must be having disturbed nights now. So hopefully tonight will be better. Hope you all have a peaceful night too. Xx

Afternoon everyone
I saw the GP and she said there’s nothing to worry about. The thing I’ve been calling a mole is actually a Dermatofibroma and the thing I can feel under the skin is either scar tissue or something else I can’t remember the name of. Anyway it’s nothing serious thank goodness, I’m so relieved. The pain in my back and legs is almost certainly pressure on the sciatic nerve, she asked me to self refer to the physiotherapists at the hospital.
Annie You were absolutely right, it was just a silly superstition and Doodle yes, too vivid an imagination for both of us.
Nonnie Unfortunately I cant get into a don’t care frame of mind.
What happened the other day is going to be very difficult to get over as it was way to close to home. I wasn’t sure whether I could actually write about it but here goes. Our eldest daughter and son in law popped over on Sunday to drop something off. They couldn’t come in because of the restrictions so we talked to them on the door step. I’d had a particularly bad day and had been trying to talk to my DH about it. He has never understood my mental health problems, 22 years in the army has made him into the stiff upper lip type. For this reason I have very rarely talked to him about how I felt. I can’t even remember what was said on the doorstep but he said that me always being a glass half empty person was driving him mad and my daughter said she understood that. I was so upset I couldn’t say anything. Afterwards I said to him that I felt totally humiliated. Later I texted my daughter and told her the same thing. Then last night I said that I was scared about the GP appointment today and he said that he wasn’t going to mollycoddle me.
To be honest I don’t know what to do from here. I can’t bring it up with him again because it wouldn’t make any difference anyway. When I think about it I can see how the way I am sometimes could get on people’s nerves but how do I change?

Chrissy your husband and daughter, not at all unusual in a family. Can you not recall what you said on the doorstep ? sorry to ask but seems something said triggered your husband
and daughter to say what they did .

How can you change ? difficult question my love, I think you
said you have had counselling, how is the acupuncture going ?

Good evening all.
Scaredycat we are tier two. I think they say it will be reviewed on 16th December.
I know what you mean by wanting to turn your head off ?
We had a lovely walk today. The weather here was sunny and not too cold.
Sorry about the AFib. Hope you have a better night tonight.
Chrissy I am so pleased for you. The relief you will feel tonight. I hope you just relax now and have a good night’s sleep.
I too am a glass half empty person. It’s not fun is it. I do know that it is hard sometimes to live with someone who is very down. I tend not to talk about it much. I don’t exactly bottle it up but nothing can be done to help with my worries and I just take it one day at a time. I don’t expect your husband or your daughter meant to hurt your feelings but if they have never experienced the same low mood and anxiety they will find it hard to sympathise.
Maybe you can’t change how you feel but perhaps you need to talk to a counsellor who understands.
Try to let it go. You’ve had a good result today so relax a bit and try and enjoy life without looking at Mr Google.
Hope you sleep well tonight.
Annie how have you been today? Hope things are ok.
lavender are you ok.
Sleep well all x

I’ve tried to remember Annie and I think it was something my DD said about the vaccines. I had been saying to my DH earlier that day after watching the news that the latest vaccine only had a 70% success rate compared to the other 2 which had a 90 to 95% success rate. So I think that’s when he said about me being a glass half empty person.

Maybe it is me that’s the problem and I’m just feeling sorry for myself. I do see that having a negative person around all the time would be very wearing. The problem is that when I’m struggling I don’t think logically.

Yes I’ve tried just about everything including CBT, mindfulness, hypnotherapy etc. I think that the acupuncture is helping, the last week has been difficult because of waiting to see the GP.

Doodle Thank you. Yes I’m so relieved to finally get an answer to my leg problem. As I’ve just said in reply to Annie’s post, if I really think about it I can see how wearing it must be to live with someone like me. Suppose I’ve just been feeling sorry for myself. I think I need to man-up.

Hope everyone is ok. Sleep well all x

Annie I get that, my brother didn't send any message at all when my son died. That Christmas I returned his card with an explanation of why I couldn't accept it. Fortunately I have so many lovely friends I don't need an arrogant self satisfied brother.

No Doodle not twisted knee, needs to new ones but NHS admin have been appalling and physio is by telephone!

Yesterday's knitting was better.

Scardycat exactly the same here, walk under a blue sky and then home to find out our lockdown has not ended and appears to have no end. Having to accept that we won't see GC over Christmas as they live a long way away.

Annie looks for the positives so has probably adjusted to it as I have. I am very close to my niece and cousin and they compensate me.

Chrissy well done for sharing that. I think that people who have never experienced a thing do find it hard to empathise. A very good friend once called me a hypochondriac because I had had so many operations! She didn't mean it nastily, she simply didn't understand. Part of his reaction could possibly be that he simply doesn't know how to react, he may feel helpless. I know that is no comfort to you, I'm just trying to think how he might feel. I rarely talk to DH about how I feel as there is nothing he can do no matter how I feel and it feels like a wasted conversation.

Good news from the GP but please don't expiect much from the physio as you will have read here that they seem to do it by phone!

I'm trying to think positively but it was hard yesterday to hear that we are in tier 3 despite expecting it. The walk was good, if rather slow for me. We stopped and chatted to a woman outside her house, I felt she needed it and she even suggested we knock the door next time we pass. When near home I said 'lovely day' to a woman who poured her heart out about her husband's dementia. So 'brave face' worked and I like to think our chats helped them.

I put something on the family WhatsApp conversation about tiers, said I needed chocolate and cake and DS sent round Cadbury advent calendars! Probably meeting DS and DiL in a park tomorrow. As you can see, I have nothing to be depressed about so why do I feel so low?

Good morning all.
I had the best nights sleep I,ve had for months last night which was great. But then within minutes of waking I went into A Fib again and it’s still here so a restful day at home is on the cards. We have a Tesco delivery today so DH will have to deal with it but I,ll be supervising!!
Doodle and Chrissy your posts yesterday about being glass half full people and how it impacts could be describing me too. My husbands glass is not just half full but up to the brim so I know sometimes my negativity gets to him. It is really hard to understand these feelings unless you have experienced them . But like you both I do my best to deal with them.
I hope all of you in BDG have a good day and take care of yourselves.xx

Hi all x

Occupational Therapist at 11.00 , if she tells me to keep doing
the same exercises I will be arrested and charged with physical
assault ! ! ! !

Hello all.
Chrissy don’t feel bad about yourself. You can’t help the way you feel anymore than someone with a broken leg can get up and run around. But, and it’s a big but, if you live with (or meet with) people who have never felt like that it’s hard for them to empathise. Also if you do your best to be positive and cheer someone up but them keep feeling gloomy and down you tend to feel a bit exasperated with them. Perhaps they and be a bit more upbeat and positive if you can. Even if it’s only an act to begin with it might actually affect how you think about things yourself. I’m sure your DH and daughter didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
Nonnie I cannot understand why your brother and Annie’s sisters behaved in this way. When someone loses a child (whatever age) compassion should be the foremost emotion.
Sorry it’s not a good time for the NHS and new knees at the moment. Hope your DH isn’t in too much discomfort.
Good that you were able to help others by giving them someone to talk to.
Your DS is nice to send you some chocolate ?
scaredycat that’s such a shame. A good night followed by Afib. Yes take it easy today.
I wonder if all people who suffer from anxiety and depression are glass half empty people. We all worry so much. It must be wearing for those who try and cheer us up.
Annie is the OT still walking around? ?

Chrissy that should read perhaps try and be a bit more upbeat not perhaps they x

The therapist left without a black eye. I am to have a perching
stool with arms for the kitchen so I can park my bottom when
I have to wait for my dogs to come in from the garden and to
play ball with them, and make breakfast etc.

She is applying for an electric wheelchair for indoor and outdoor, most unlikely but worth a try. Someone will cut my
nails. She is coming back next week with a physiotherapist.

Chrissy given much thought to your distress . Your chat at
the door, there is much hope for people that a vaccine may
be on the way, your husband and daughter must be as fearful
of the virus as the majority are, they must be hopeful about
the vaccine and sorry but you did put a dampener on it, not being unkind just offering an explanation x

Those who don’t experience anxiety or depression don’t
understand how exhausting they are.

When we ask for reassurance from someone and they give it
naturally they assume they have helped to ease our anxiety,
if we continue to seek the reassurance what else is there for
them to say. This does not apply to asking for reassurance on
this thread because we all understand.

Hugs x