Gransnet forums


Three elderly parents

(83 Posts)
maddyone Sun 15-Aug-21 12:29:44

I don’t know what I expect from this thread, but maybe some people are going through similar (and probably worse) but the whole situation is stressing me enormously. My elderly mother, 93 and a half years old, has moved into a care home (it’s fantastic) following her third fall in six months, and third hospitalisation, having sustained two (small) brain injuries, a broken shoulder, and having contracted Covid during her first hospitalisation. She already had heart failure and multiple other conditions. As my sister lives 250 miles away, has mental health issues, and in any case isn’t willing to shoulder any of the responsibilities, it’s all down to me. I sort everything out, have shopped, washed, arranged carers for her, everything in fact. I visited daily, was the only nominated visitor when hospital visits were allowed. I’m feeling the strain. Although I love her, she’s not been the best of mothers through my childhood and indeed adulthood. She still wants me to bring this, fetch that, go and do the other, and I do as it’s part of caring for her and I try to be a good daughter despite everything. She has decided to stay in the care home, at the moment curtesy of the NHS, but soon fully self funded, until her money runs out.

My husband has two elderly parents, one 94, the other 93, both also with multiple health and age related issues. They still live at home. They are not fit to be at home, and keep being admitted to hospital with various illnesses/conditions. My husband’s brothers are all over 65 and do much the same things for their parents as I do for mine, including the two or three daily visits. We ring every day but with the Covid situation haven’t been able to visit for some time.

Sorry to moan fellow Gransnetters. My husband and I are in our late 60s and sometimes wonder how long we can go on. The situation stresses me a lot. Not so much my husband, except he feels great guilt about being so far away from his parents. I just think it’s the situation of having three very elderly parents, all with multiple health conditions, that stresses me out. I know you can’t do anything, but thank you for reading.

Katyj Sat 09-Oct-21 14:22:49

Oh no Maddy more stress ! Hope your mil makes progress and is out of hospital ASAP. Hope your grandson is keeping you busy ,probably better for your DH to be distracted at the moment ? for you all.

Jaxjacky Sat 09-Oct-21 14:57:00

Oh crumbs Maddy, not more… I have no answers, just wishing you both strength. Enjoy your time today with GS, you both deserve a break. x

Calendargirl Sat 09-Oct-21 15:24:14

I might have missed reading concerning this, but if a person has funding for another 1.5 years, I would have thought they could stay in existing home for another year say. A lot can happen in 18 months, surely some residents aren’t still alive after that time. To me that’s when you should have to look for a cheaper home.

Kali2 Sat 09-Oct-21 21:11:16

Having to look for a cheaper home is just so cruel.
It happened with my MIL- and she also had to move care home as her Alzheimers progressed and the care home she was in could not cope.

She died the night before the move- and we often wonder if perhaps she had somehow understood she had to move. We will never understand what happened. But however sad, we were so so grateful she never had to move to the other place, we knew she would hate, even in her terrible state.

maddyone Sat 09-Oct-21 23:53:52

Thanks everyone. JaxJacky that was why I entitled the thread Three Elderly Parents. Although we primarily deal with my mother, my husband’s parents are both 94 as well, and are growing increasingly frail, and are in and out of hospital. Of course, with the situation with Covid these last two years, we haven’t visited, but are in regular (several times each week) touch. My husband’s brothers take care of their parents needs, but this leads to my husband feeling guilty as he’s not there to help. It’s a stressful situation despite not actually being there.
I agree Kali that looking for another home that will be cheaper is not only going to be a challenge, it’s upsetting to myself and my mother. The home simply will not accept any resident unless they have the funds to pay for at least two years. After that, if the LA take over, as I understand it, they pay a lesser amount and so the home wants to ensure it gets the higher amount for that minimum of two years. Hopefully we’ll find a home that doesn’t ask for this. We’ve got breathing space though as Mum can stay there on ‘respite care’ for a while. I don’t know if there’s a limit to that though, we’ll find out on Monday.
I’m sorry you had such a difficult time with your poor mother. It sounds as if it was the kindest thing for her to escape moving homes.
Old age is not kind is it? I don’t think I want to live to that great age.

Kali2 Sun 10-Oct-21 10:12:54

Again, heart goes out to you and I so hope you will find a new care home when the time comes and that the move goes well.

It was my mother-in-law with advanced Alzheimers who died the night before she was due to move. As we lived far away, my sister-in-law dealt with it all, and it was very stressful and time consuming for her- and perhaps even more so as she had never had a good relationship with her.

As said, we made the huge decision to move here to help my own parents, as doing so from far away was just impossible. I was flying back and forth all the time, and had to give up my job as I couldn't keep asking for time off to do so. Our house sale fell through at the last minute, as we were gazumped by a truly horrible man, and it took time to sell again, in the middle of winter. My poor mum died 3 weeks before our move, which was really hard. At least we were there with dad- but he died soon after.

Getting old ain't for sissies, for sure, as my cousin from the USA used to say.

Jaxjacky Sun 10-Oct-21 10:23:40

maddy I just meant that it was something else to worry about when your DH feels guilty already. We only had my Mum to worry about, that was enough, your situation, both of you, must be a pull in many directions all at once sometimes. I hope you get a swift SS assessment, we also had a very empathetic mental health nurse who visited Mum at home before she went into care (dementia). It was unknown territory to us and confusing.
Hers hoping you have a peaceful Sunday after your DH has made his calls.