DH suffering disappointed in friends

Hello FindingNemo15 no your expectations are not to high, you are going through a difficult time so forget about the people who are not there for you and concentrate on those who are. Your lives have been turned upside down and you are experiencing great changes. The difference is their lives remain the same and they can't understand that you can no longer do the things you did in the past but have to concentrate all your energy on your Husband and yourself. Mr J has been ill for a number of years and I can totally relate to what you are saying. Many so called friends have drifted out of our lives but those that remain are the ones who are important. If they phone keep it short and sweet, thank them for their concern and move on. Wishing you and your Husband well

I can't forgive my sister for not visiting our nephew. The rest of us watched him go through chemotherapy, hair loss, having a line put in his chest, weight gain and pain. I was visiting him when he died. His mum, my sister in law, had some sort of fit in the room when he died. She died suddenly herself a few years later. My sister didn't want to 'be upset'. It makes me

It does seem vast numbers of people can't deal with any kind of illness and older men often don't seem to have as many friends as women anyway. I think the pandemic hasn't helped either sympathy and empathy seem to have gone out of the window. I am sorry the support wasn't there when you needed it as you say I expect they will be in touch any time soon. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could come out with the truth, depends if they are going to stay friends.

Thank you everyone I know it will sound odd, but it makes me feel better to know that my situation is not unique.

It is mainly my so called friends that have not bothered. It is not easy to have visitors at the moment, but we all have phones. I saw a so called friend in passing about two months ago and I told her a little about my DH and she just said I would have to adapt. She has not been in touch since.

My DH has not really got any close friends and one neighbour who he used to see very occasionally has not bothered. I saw his wife and she generously said she might be able to get him to visit or phone. Well if he has to be asked please don't bother.

Oh dear posted this in the wrong place. Can I get it deleted?

Oh Dilemma you aren’t asking for much are you. When we helped our parents we too had young children and worked but we did it willingly because we wanted to help them. Unlike now, we did not expect nor did they offer to help us either practically or financially.
Hope the family conference solves the issue but I too have heard the GSI...(get someone in ) suggestion. Not easy to find someone trustworthy for sometimes tiny things.
DH 75 nearly did himself an injury up a ladder yesterday trying to trim a short but overgrown hedge, which would have taken our sil no more than 20 minutes. It is a bit disappointing given all the help we have willingly given them over the years. Their reason is always too busy. GSI. We were busy too but always found the time.

My bloke had a long standing friend who became very ill. I told him he should visit and he wouldn't. Sure enough, his friend died after being ill for a couple of years without having seen OH.

He has excused himself several times about it, but I think it was shoddy.

I dropped a number of “friends” once my DH died. They weren’t there for us and I couldn’t bring myself to forgive them.

My DH's family are firmly of the opinion that in a crisis, even during serious illness, the last thing they want is people ringing up, offering to visit, asking what they need.
They regard this as intruding, and having to respond to them as 'work' they could do without.
They want 'peace and quiet' and only their own company to sort out what they need. This even applies to those who are alone.

I disagree (DH and I compromise on our friends, and family get treated according to whether they are his or mine) and I am sure that good friends should know your attitude to life. But others may come from the same page as my in-laws.

No your expectations are not too high it’s despicable! I know how you feel, when my dad became disabled in middle age, he could still take himself out for a walk, but couldn’t speak, many a time he came back really upset that some of his so called friends had crossed over the road to avoid him. It used to break my heart.

My partner lost a leg a couple of years ago. Since then people we regarded as friends have disappeared into the woodwork. He was very into outdoor pursuits and with some support can still follow most of his hobbies, but the invitations to group events and weekends away have fallen off noticeably - it’s as if people are frightened they may be asked to help and won’t cope, when in reality he’s fiercely independent and won’t accept help unless he’s really struggling. It’s made him sad. People can be so thoughtless.

I have had a similar issue with my children; my DH has Lewy Body Dementia and I am his sole carer, dealing with feeding, washing, dressing, toiletting etc 24/7/365. We moved to be near our daughter and her family last November, also under an hour from our son. As DH cannot walk, I also do all household jobs and maintenance as well as dealing with financial and health matters.
My daughter asked what we wanted for Christmas and I said one day off a month, with DS & DD caring for their Dad between them.
The response was that we would need to pay for carers to come in as they were "too busy". I spent the next day in tears as we cannot get carers in for the long day off I envisaged to allow me to go to London (an hour away) for shopping, sightseeing and to finish off with a show, so late home. I am now rethinking and contemplating just an evening at the theatre from time to time. Family conference soon to discuss.
Caring is exhausting - if people have never had to do it, I don't think they realise how welcome a visit/break would be to both the carer and the cared for.

When my Mother died, I called one of her so called friends to let her know and listened to half an hour of how sorry she was that she hadn't visited Mum in hospital, care home, or even when she was still at home. She was obviously expecting me to 'forgive her' and be understanding, but I wasn't and just abruptly told her when the funeral was to be. Having lost my Mother, the last thing I felt like doing was making someone else feel better for their neglectful and selfish attitude. I understand that some people cannot cope with hospitals, but as this woman hadn't even popped in to see Mum at home, despite a couple of polite phone calls inviting her to do so, I wasn't very forgiving.

Sorry * kircubbin* I meant ds but this device has its own mind.

I know how disappointing this can be having experienced it myself when dd and dh were very ill. My oldest friend is no longer a friend after she virtually ignored the whole situation.
I don’t miss her as I realise she was only there fir the good times and was absent when times got tough, that to me us not a friend,
Wishing you and your dh well, kircubbin and dd too.

True friends ask if you want help and abide by what you say When one of my best friends became mentally ill she didn’t feel like meeting anyone, so for nearly two years I wrote her letters (she didn’t even want to talk on the phone) she’s been fine for a few years now but told me the letters were a very big support to her
Never give up on friends but always be guided by what they need not what you feel you want to give (which in your case findingnemo is nothing

FindingNemo15 I hope your husband has his operation soon and things start to improve for you both.

Sadly some people are just not very caring. Fair weather friends I call them. To be honest I don't think saying anything to them would help the situation or make you feel better.

Give your husband a hug from all of us instead ?

So many things could be in play here
1. People may not want to burden you and are giving you space
2. They may think you are coping with the situation just fine
3. They do not live this everyday and they do not know how much support you need - have you told them their contact is welcome?
4. People may run from difficult situations
5. They may not know the situation is as serious as it is
6. They could be protecting you from covid and other illnesses
7. They may not want to bring it up thinking it is going to upset you
Etc

Reach out to them and make your wishes known.

Sadly, in situations like this, you discover who your true friends are.

MayBeMaw has been very supportive of plenty on Gransnet on many occasions. Very sound advice and caring which I am sure is very welcome.
I have dropped so called friends over the years because they turned out to be only interested in themselves.
Take on board the good advice you have been given and hopefully your friends will come around with some support?

I just think some people find it easier than others to know what to do.
When I was going through treatment the most unexpected friends would turn up on the doorstep with flowers and books whereas those who I thought were closer to me did not come.
I was just happy to see those who came and accepted that some did not feel they could.

Now my treatment is over I still see all my friends.

So sorry to hear that FindingNemo, my mother found the same when my father died years ago. I've seen friends run from bad news too.
I think a lot of people have a fear of contamination either of the illness itself or having to listen, these days everyone wants to live forever and not be reminded that they won't.
More kindly, as with deaths, some people just don't know what to say. Hope things improve for you both.

83 diagnosed illnesses!! Is that a typo?

I have lived with illnesses since 1973, and have lost count of the number of people who have become estranged for this reason, largely through my own choice to cease contact too though, to avoid this hurt. The strange thing for me is I live a really great life, (now with 83 diagnosed illnesses/conditions), do far more than many 'well' friends and spend half my life asking after others. I actually learned from two friends that others 'hated' how I achieved so much & was so cheery with all I am up against!! It made them feel BAD - can you believe it?

I agree kircubbin which is why we don't really have friends (from choice). We've never felt the need. I'm glad your son is improving.

I think a lot of people only care about themselves. One of my sons has been seriously ill since August and my best friend has never asked how he is. In fact the only 2 people who have asked have been long distance friends.Thankfully he got good news at the weekend and is recovering.