Black Dog 11

Such a mixture of sad and positive comments today. Annie you have taken small steps to help your agoraphobia and I’m sure will continue because your spirit is strong. Doodle your cruise sounds lovely. Looking forward to seeing your photos.
When my daughter was at her worst I tried to talk to dh about it but got no reaction. I think he doesn’t believe in mental illness but as I was telling him what psychiatrist had said he had to listen. Even now if she is on the phone and I say she’s not too well that’s the end of the conversation. He never asks questions or shows any concern. So I don’t bother to tell him. He doesn’t know that she was taken to a and e because she was bleeding badly due to self harm. Or that for years she had the imprint of the iron on her arm where she’d burned herself.
I’ll never forget those dark days and know they are never far away.
I hope you all sleep well. Tomorrow might be a better day.

Should have said the self harm was a while ago but the memories are very clear

EllieAnne You must have been very depressed to have hurt herself. Depression is a terrible thing. You say your husband doesn't show any concern - is that because he doesn't know how to deal with problems, or does he think anyone with mental health worries should "snap out of it"? Over the years, I've had people ask me why I'm depressed. My own mum used to say "What have you got to be depressed about, you've got a lovely husband, great kids, a nice home, etc". If only things were so simple.

Sorry, I meant your daughter

Hi all x

Ellie Anne how long has your husband been so detached ?
I assume not in the early years of your marriage, was he a
father who had a good relationship with the children?

Thank you all for your kindness in reply to my post about
agoraphobia, I was explaining what damage avoidance can do .

HVDY thankfully we are moving forward from judgment of
depression but still a way to go x

How is everyone?

Anniebach I dislike it when someone says "Oh I'm so depressed" when actually they're feeling fed-up, as everyone feels sometimes. Depression doesn't last for a day or two, it's there all the time, although managed most of the time. I find mornings are particularly bad - I hate waking up, wish I could just stay in bed, and during the day, unless I've got plans to do something/see someone, I count the hours until DH gets home, then the hours until I can go to bed. I'm so much more fortunate than so many people, but somehow I can't shake off this horrible churning feeling. Sorry to moan. x How are you today? What's the weather like where you are? It's sunny but a lot cooler here today. x

How's everyone's day going? x

HVDY speaking of the torture of depression is not moaning,
I agree about the use of depressed when feeling fed up, I get
depressed because I am housebound, I get ‘cheesed off’ with my battles with council , big difference.

You keep going my love, when I read where you going, what
you are planning to do , definitely a ?x

Quite sunny here but gosh it’s cold at night.

Anniebach Thank you. You're always so kind. I went to Aqua Aerobics this morning, then hoovered my car. I rang a lady who I've been linked with via the Re-Engage volunteering "Call Companion" scheme and chatted a lot. Just going to make a shepherd's pie for dinner.

Yes, it's really cold at night, I've been putting my fluffy socks on at bedtime . I hope your problems with the council get resolved soon. x

How is everyone this morning? I've given myself a talking to, and today I'm going to stop feeling so sorry for myself. I've been tidying up, and I'm going to have a walk (if only around the block) and then go to Aqua Aerobics this afternoon. It's chilly today and a bit grey, but hopefully it might brighten up. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Hi all x

HVDY you certainly are not one for self pity, you spoke honestly of depression, enjoy your day x

Ellie Anne I so understand your fears for your daughter, self
harming is now understood far more , thank god, have a hug x

Sweetpeasue. How are you? your appointment with the
consultant is this week ? We all wish it a positive visit x

Have had nausea for about a week, spoke to my GP this
morning, my stomach is stretching ! How horrible eating
disorders must be.

How is everyone?

EllieAnne- your poor daughter how terrible she must have felt and so hard for you to see her suffer especially as you had no support or understanding . My neice self harms so I have seen the worry and sadness it causes. I think,people,are very afraid of mental illness and prefer to put their heads in the sand. My family had and still has more than our fare share of mental illness so it’s something we can talk about. So difficult to explain to those with no experience and the ‘snap out of it’ mentality.
HVDY- you are such a fighter and I so admire your attitude.
The Aqua Aerobics must be helping you get physically stronger
Do you stay after for a chat and coffee?
You are right about mornings - sometimes so hard to motivate yourself . Hope you,ve had a good day today
SweetPeaSue- if your appointment was today I hope it went wellx
Annie- it’s cold at night here too. Like HVDY my woolly socks come out at night .
Did your GP give you any anti nausea meds or is that a normal reaction to eating normally again? What sort of things are you having this week?
Been into town this morning while DH is at Gym . We have so many birthdays coming up so lots of things to get. I walked a lot longer than I should have but it was so good to be out and about. Yesterday I felt so bad with AF it went on for hours so today I felt better and took full advantage!! I can’t believe my eldest Great Grandaughter is 9 soon.
Nonnie- I hope you are ok
Doodle- hope you,ve got good weather today and can enjoy all the beauty of Norway.
Love to all

Anniebach Thank you. Have you been given anything to help with the nausea? Would something like Omeprazole help, I wonder? Gaviscon? x

ScaredyCat Thanks. I go on Monday mornings to Aqua Aerobics and go with a friend for "brunch" but not on Tuesday afternoon, I go straight home. Your AF must be horrible but glad you have some days of feeling well. GC grow up so quickly - my eldest GC will be 11 in June and already has the beginnings of breasts, so I got her a couple of first bras and will give them to her at the weekend (though I'd better ask her to ask her mum first) x

SweetpeaSue, Nonnie, Doodle, everyone else on here - hope you're all ok.

I went to the park this morning, had a walk all the way around, fed the geese - they've got babies - ducks and swans, then went to Aqua Aerobics this afternoon. I rang my brother, who had a bad night with severe Phantom Limb pain (he had his leg amputated 39 years ago!) and chatted with his wife (who has got Alzheimer's), and cleaned the bathroom. I think my old Mr. Cooper probably has Arthritis - he follows me from room to room, meowing all the time, and he can no longer scale the fence. I noticed he walks really slowly now , so I gave him some medicine and he's settled off to sleep. Hope everyone has been alright x

Please forgive me for not responding to everyone individually today. Am in terrible state. I can't tell you how desperate I feel. All the 'old carry on' nightmare is happening again! This can't be happening but it is.

Agonising pain yesterday and previous night. Asked call back from GP. All the time crying and writhing in pain. She phoned at 3.Had called reception to say how bad I was. I was demented. She said I could go in to talk to her or go to A&E. No way wanted to talk. I should have just gone earlier.
Waited 4 hrs in A&E. Took blood and did ECG. Waited. Junior Dr saw me in tiny room, said no beds in main area. Told him about bowel pain and searing public pain which are both dreadful and come and go throughout every day. He attempted to examine tummy while I was sat up on chair! Said very seriously, after going away and talking with other Dr's, because been going on so long and my losing weight they were referring me to special rapid response hospital fot tests within the 2 week time frame. Yes the C word mentioned. Told me to see my GP about pain relief. Came out with almost same degree of pain went in with.
Spent terrible night. Pain subsided considerably, as it does after hrs. Wanted to post when I got up at 3 am as was so anxious but at same time wondered if this was right as didn't want to worry anyone unnecessarily.

Had call today from this 'special' place. Nurse said because pain had been going on so long they thought it wasn't relevant to accept me for tests. She said the calprotectin level in feaces (tested last September) was 191 and it had to be 200 for it to be cancer concern. I told her about amount of pain but she said bloods taken yesterday were OK and after going away and talking to others said I should talk to Gynaecologist (appt tomorrow). I told her that searing pain could be Gynae related(don't know but bowel pain could well not be and anyway Gynaecologist was saying he wanted to discharge me as ultrasound had shown womb lining was not thickened. (I was going to tell him of all the pain I've had when I saw him as I believe he's dismissing this). I also told her that my stools for the last 2 months have been like very thin rope. A sign my GP told me indicated could be partial blockage. I just couldn't help it I told her that I feel afraid that my formal complaints at other hospital have gone against me. The Gynaecologist I see tomorrow, on my first visit to him said 'no more complaints' Even though my 'complaints' were full of truth. TRUTH, TRUTH.
She was understanding and said she would call me day after seeing the Gastroenterologist next week(my private appt) and advised me to be accompanied by husband tomorrow with written reminders of what I want to say.
I feel by now I need to add on top of the info about latest pain ect, that I'm actually afraid of him.

How can they leave people like this? I thought TRUTH mattered. I know Dr's have a terribly stressful job but when things go wrong, make no mistake friends, they will want rid of that patient.

I'm just trying to stay sane. I'm not sure how much longer I can stand all this stress and anxiety and pain. Last night I really thought I should be making some sort of will. I can't tell you the things that go through your mind. And yes I prayed. But was alone.

Deeply sorry.
Sincerely much love to all of you. I don't think I have anyone else now. Xx

Public pain----pain above pubic bone/lower tummy.

Nurse also suggested it could be Complex Pain Syndrome! NO NO NO. I'm having proof in the toilet bowl - - I KNOW the type of pain I'm in.

EllieAnne You've been through so much heartbreak with your poor daughter's mental health. It must be truly dreadful to have felt so alone without your husband's support. I'm so very sorry.
'HVDY* You are battling so hard with your depression, I admire your spirit greatly. You seem to be doing all you can, and more. Take time for yourself. To go for a walk this morning when you find it so hard is a huge thing.
Anniebach It sounds quite a feat to keep going with your switch to solid food. I know you said you could eat biscuits. Would ginger biscuits help with the nausea. They used to help a little, some of the time for me when I had morning sickness. I think it's going to take time for you but I wouldn't rush it. It's a big change from what your stomach has been used to.
*Scaredycat, Thankyou for your caring. Your family sound so very supporting with mental illness. I'm pleased your AF wasn't as bad today. It really must present quite a challenge to you. It must be very hard and frightening. You are such a brave person. X

Oh dear, last but not least. Doodle
I hope you're enjoying your holiday and your husband is continuing to sleep better with his new medication. Much love.
Joce, Nonnie Wishing you both well.

Hi all x

I am late posting today, problems with - help line button,
iPad, landline telephone and mobile ! Try explaining there are
faults when you can’t hear what the person you are complaining is saying, someone will come Friday to see what
the problem is, I am exhausted.

Sweetpeasue so sorry you had such an awful day. I am concerned, do you have no trust in anyone in the medical field?

Can’t comment on medical matters, my knowledge is certainly
limited sorry. Hope your appointment today was successful x

How is everyone?

HVDY- yes they do grow up so quickly! It seems unbelievable that my eldest Grandaughter has 2 children one of whom is the one who will soon be 9. I,m sure the first bras will be received with much pleasure- she will feel very grownup.
Poor Mr Cooper his old bones are feeling cold - what medicine does he have. He,s very good to take it- my last cat was impossible to medicate.
Your poor brother so long ago but still the pain attacks him.
Hope you,ve had a good day today.
SweetPeaSue- so sorry you had such a terrible time yesterday. I know CRPS can originate from an injury but they can help you with that. I think you have lost all confidence in medical people - there are some kind ones out there. I hope todays appointment has been able to help you. Sending a hug.
Annie- what a time you are having with your iPad etc- hope Friday sorts it out. You must have felt like shouting down the phone!!
How’s your tummy today?
Had a walk this morning - the bluebells are out now. It really is the best blue of all.
EllieAnne- hope you are doing ok today.
Love to allx

Hello all. I wrote a post last night which has not appeared and can’t comment when on I pad but no problem on phone!
Sweet pea sue I m so sorry about your awful experience and hope today’s appointment went well.
Annie in the early years we had a good social life and drank a lot so that hid a lot. Then we had children so talked about them.
Husband had no sympathy for people with weaknesses eg addiction religion of any kind and I think he feels the same about mental illness but he never says. He just shows no interest.
He is very proud of nuance atheist.
I never speak of my faith.
Hope you get your problems sorted out soon.

*Anniebach, Scaredycat EllieAnne *Thankyou.
Pain much worse during night and this morning. Dr given me morphine. Thought up until couple hrs ago wouldn't make it to Gynaecologist but eased off now. I do trust many medics Annie. But I should have seen a consultant the state I was in and been examine properly. I think they're getting a bit confused because of the Gynae probs when these are bowel which has got worse over last couple of months and the last week. The impact on me not knowing what's going on is huge. All of this wasn't happening when I started on BD. Now I feel I should let people know what's going on when they ask after me. If pain hadn't eased off I'd have rang 999..I couldn't stand it. DH is beside himself. Xx

Meant of being an atheist

Hello all. I’m back. Had a lovely cruise. Nice weather and beautiful scenery.
SweetPeasue life is so hard for you at the moment. Sorry you’ve been in such pain.
Have you been to the gynaecologist today. If the Gp is giving you morphine they must surely see what pain you are in.
So sorry for you and your DH. To suffer yourself is bad but to have to stand by and watch a loved one suffer is dreadful too.
I hope you get some answers soon.
Ellie Anne it sounds as though you and your husband have drifted apart over the years. His lack of empathy would be hard to live with. My DH does not have faith but has no problem with me and my beliefs. He also cares very much for our family and is a kind hearted man. Must be hard on you the problems with your DD if you weren’t able to get support and comfort from discussing your worries with your husband,
Scaredycat glad you are out walking better now and have seen the bluebells. It must be lovely to have seen your granddaughter grow up and have children of her own.
Your poor niece. Self harming is so sad for all concerned. I gather it causes some relief for the person doing it but must be dreadful to live with someone who hurts themselves like that.
HVDY sorry to hear about your brother and his limb pain. I have read before that people can suffer from the phantom pain quite badly. Does he have any medication that helps.
I think your DGD will be thrilled with her gift. Hope they have settled in well in their new home and are happy there,
Annie sounds as though you are beset by more phone /internet connection problems. Friday is a long time to wait to get it fixed. Hope you can watch some of your programs and Alexa is still able to play you music,
Your poor stomach, I suppose it’s been without proper food for so long it has to learn to accept it again.
Hope you are ok.
I expect it will be an early night tonight.
DH enjoyed the holiday but is quite exhausted. All this medication is solving one problem but creating others. He tires so easily these days.
Sleep well all.
Sweetpeasue please dial 999 if your bad pain comes back. I hope you get some help soon.
Take care all x

SweetpeaSue I can't tell you how sorry I am that you've had all that trouble and pain. I hope the Oromorph will help. I completely understand your mistrust of anyone in the NHS. I've been the same, although my problems aren't continuing as yours are. x

Anniebach You don't have much luck with your technology, do you? I hope it gets sorted out on Friday. You need things to be working properly. How is your stomach today? Have you managed to eat much? x

ScaredyCat Mr Cooper has Metacam liquid. I draw up the amount in a plastic syringe, and because he's missing 3 of his fangs, I simply squirt it into the gap. He's really good and he trusts me, so it's not a struggle. Nice to see the bluebells, isn't it. x

Doodle So glad you had a lovely holiday. I've suggested to my brother he sees his GP and perhaps could be prescribed Amitriptyline, but he's too stubborn and proud for that. He's having a prosthetic made soon (every few years he gets a new leg but this one will be much more modern and hopefully more comfortable) I hope you and your husband get a good rest tonight x

Hope everyone has a peaceful night x

Hi all x

Ellie Anne thank you for explaining how different life was
with your husband then and now. You have no shared interests
now, this must be distressing, he doesn’t go shopping with you,
certainly wouldn’t go to church with you, doesn’t even go for a
walk with you and will not even share your worries for your
daughter, is it at all possible to rent a small flat ? x

Doodle hello, ? x

HVDY your eldest grandchild is 11 , my eldest is 30 ! You have
the teens to come , x

Sweetpeasue hope the pain has eased and you get medical
help very soon x

Scaredcat bluebells ? Is there a more beautiful flower ? I think
not.

Friends, technology and me ? Landline, internet, emergency alarm ,tv have problems, someone coming out tomorrow,
thank heaven Alexa is working, jazz , blues and Willy Nelson
blasting out .

The change of diet is very difficult but have to keep doing it

How is everyone?