Black Dog 11

Anniebach Losing your lovely daughter as you did must have been really awful, something we can't imagine. To have to deal with stupid and ignorant people as well must have been so upsetting. It's no wonder you felt so angry. People who haven't experienced a mental illness have no idea of what it's like, do they? I'm sorry you can't go out to the places you used to enjoy going to. You come across on here as such a lovely and kind lady, and you are always so caring and considerate to us all on here. I hope one day you'll be able to get outside and enjoy your garden. x

ScaredyCat I hope you're feeling ok today. It's been sunny and warm, but windy, here. x

SweetpeaSue I hope you're feeling alright at the moment. x

Doodle The cruise sounds great. Enjoy your holiday x

Well, after doing yet more washing (that's all I seem to do ), DH and I went to Trent bridge, walked (in my case it's toddling/shuffling) along the embankment, sat in the Remembrance gardens, then back home, I vacuumed, he cooked a roast chicken dinner, and that's it for the day. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Doodle- lovely to hear about your holiday. Being in beautiful places is so uplifting and good for your soul. The reflections are so beautiful in Norway aren’t they.
Thank you for thinking of us while you are away.
Enjoy every momentxx
SweetPeaSue- what Doodle says makes so much sense. Please go for help if you need it you have suffered enough.
A lovely post from you this afternoon - yes Annie inspires us all I think.
AF comes and goes quite often at the moment and I just enjoy the times when it goes! Although I have got better at doing stuff when it is happening.I have meds which help it is just is very tiring.
HVDY- you have been so brave throughout your ordeals.
I hope you are enjoying this lovely sunny Sunday.
Annie- thank you for your kind words. I never think of myself as brave.
Sometimes I feel so sad for you and the cruelty you have experienced in the past. Such ignorant unthinking people.
You and I know how devastating an illness our loved ones endured. It is beyond me how anyone could have been so uncaring to you..
It would be wonderful if this Summer you can gradually go outside in your wheelchair and enjoy the fresh air and flowers again. Would it be possible to use a mobility scooter at all?
Thinking of you so oftenx
Love to allx

Grrrr. Just lost message.
DearAnnie Your explanation of how you became agarophobic is so v sad. To lose a daughter due to her illness and suicide, is impossible for most of us to imagine. To then have to face a small community with their ignorant small talk, Chinese whispers or whatever must have been truly dreadful and too much to bear. It's not surprising your anger was so high. People can be thoughtless and make things up to fill gaps in their stories. You are so right--many do not, even now, have the capacity to understand behaviour changes in mental illnesses and are quick to judge when they can't know the facts around people's circumstances. I'm so sorry Annie for your continuing pain. It must be heartbreaking (was going to put 'soul-destroying' there, but that is certainly not the case with you Annie) and I can understand you not being able to face people and withdrawing. The consequences of you not being able to walk in your lovely woods is such a cruel price.
I want you to know this, though, Annie. You have done so much for others by starting this forum of Blackdog. I'm a fairly new poster but there are others who have spoken who are a testament to the good that you have done by allowing them to open their hearts and just TO BE LISTENED, when friends and often family members who can't deal with these changes in them fall away and won't or can't face the dark places.
All is not lost though. You have taken the first step of going into your garden and I hope you can face that again when you're ready. You are a brave and intelligent lady. You are facing diet changes. I hope each day you become stronger in spirit and can get some renewed enthusiasm for your love of the new life in your garden.
We on BD are all wishing you well and we care. Xxx

Hi all x

Scaredycat yes ‘ keep walking ‘ , I do wonder if you are aware
of the fears you have faced , you are definitely a ‘shining light’
for all x

Sweetpeasue May I suggest you change your thinking ? don’t
dwell on reasons not to go to A & E, or seek medical help,
think of the positives, are you very afraid you may be admitted
to hospital? understandable after your experience, take care with Googling please x

My friends, I have agoraphobia,it didn’t start with a panic when
I was out walking,I chose to stay indoors to avoid people, the
comments on my darling daughter’s illness then suicide made me so angry, we now speak of mental illness freely but some
still judge behaviour patterns of someone with mental illness ,
I was tempted to thump some people, so it was choosing to
avoid people by staying home which led to agoraphobia.

I loved walking but because my decision to avoid people I
am paying a price, muscle wastage etc so need the wheelchair,
I will never walk on the canal bank or through my favourite woods again , simply because I chose a avoidance.
Hence my constant ‘keep walking’ .

Doodle your cruise sounds wonderful, enjoy every minute,
and ? Yes , keep walking on deck ? x

How is everyone?

Doodle You put forward a very persuasive argument. I'm very touched. If you were anywhere near me I couldn't think of anyone else that I'd rather have to take me. Were you a lawyer in another life? Thankyou. X
HVDY I've read it's the placing it that's the horrible thing. That they have to soften the end to make it pliable(oh sorry I can't finish the sentence). Oh you poor lady--what you have been through. You're amazing. X

SweetpeaSue I had a nasogastric tube (NG tube) when I was in hospital - obviously for the 2 weeks I spent on a ventilator, then for a further 2 weeks when I was awake. I was eating pureed food for those 2 weeks as well and actually had to insist the doctor took the NG tube out as I didn't need that and food. It wasn't in the least bit uncomfortable.

Forgive spelling mistakes I am having trouble posting x

Quick visit to let you know I’m thinking of you.
Had a fabulous day today. In a quiet and beautiful location.
I have ramen photos which I will share with you when I get home.
^Sweetpeasue* when I first posted in the BDG the only one who was her was Annie and she was so kind to me that I have been here ever since. Annie is our rock our foundation stone.
The BDG is so caring . We really do care about each other even though we don’t know each other.
HVDY so sorry your time with DGC was spoilt through sickened. From what I know of my own DGC and your posts I think they probably love being with you and their dad but have picked up some sickness bu somewhere. Hope they are ok now.
Sweetpeasue please , please listen to me. Forget what is in the A& E list of priorities. Please please realise that pain is pain. Be strong and stand up for yourself. If I was anywhere near you I would come to you and get you into A&E myself.
Imagine for a minute that your problem was your husbands and fight for your own treatment as you would do for his. By now I would have been phoning A &E and insisting to be seen and cared for. Don’t be so obliging. You are in pain and suffering. There will be many who turn up in A&E who have grazed their knee or Allen over drunk or cut their thumb. Don’t listen to what is said. Please please if you are in pain go to them and get help. YOU DESERVE HELP.
Annie sorry about your blinds. Hope you get them fixed soon.
The Gp can prescribe something for nausea. I think you need that so you can start to eat proper food. Annie you would love it here. I can’t tell you how beautiful the mountains are and the little villages . So picturesque.
Scaredycat sorry the AF is again causing you problems. I’m sorry I can’t remember, do you have medication or treatment for it? I hope today had been better for you.
Dear BDG past and present I am thinking of you and wish you could see where I am. Perhaps in your mind imagine a quiet place. Calm water and beautiful mountains. No noise. Just total peace and tranquillity.
I wish you all a peaceful night and know I am thinking and prying for you all. xx

* Scaredycat * Just seen your post. It's so very annoying when message gets lost through a split second touch of wrong key. I've done it LOTS of times and I'm not a speedy texter(son's do it with 2 thumbs, I'm astonished).
One of my problems is that I Google medical stuff. I got into the habit of it after all the withheld stuff after Hysteroscopy. I had to as no one would tell me what was going on. I've recently read that if bowel is bloated because of blockage or whatever a 'nasogastric tube' may be used and left in situ for a while. The insertion of one of these sounds torturous and some Dr's have questioned it. ? You see---a little knowledge can be dangerous. Thankyou for caring.
The AF sounds horrid. Hope it goes away for you soon and you have a better weekend without it. So glad your ankle is improving. The walking will distract you. Xx

Anniebach The mother is very unreasonable, always has been. Sorry you've been feeling nauseous x

SwetpeaSue. Glad you had a good night's sleep. It does make a difference. You've been busy! x

ScaredyCat Well done with your walking. A friend of mine has AF, had ablation (?) last week, and now feels better than she did. x

Son1 got ready, and went to his girlfriend's, where apparently her parents, brother, and Granny were all there for the Granny's birthday, so he took flowers for the Granny. Husband and I have been for a walk round a park x

Oh I just lost my post as I forget to post it after review!!! ??

HVDY- Mr Cooper has the right idea it is so cold today.
What a muddle of a day you had yesterday. Sorry your GD was poorly- think Mum should have told you they had eaten though.
I think you will be very happy once you can get stuck into the volunteering. You will be greatly appreciated I,m sure.
SweetPeaSue- you sound a bit like me as I too always expect things to go wrong and am constantly fearful of what might happen. I can just imagine how you felt thinking about going to A&E- please go if the pain becomes intolerable. Or as Annie suggested see what MIND says.
You are certainly not a coward just somebody who is exhausted with fear and worry. No feeling bad- just remember we are all hear to support and listen to youxx
Annie- those blinds must be a annoying- does one let enough light in so you can do your cross stitching and other things.
Sorry you are suffering nausea . What sort of food have you tried this week? Hope the biscuits are still going down well.
Been walking this afternoon. Much more comfortable now and physio says I can do 40 minutes then rest then continue. I can hear your voice in my head ‘keep walking’!!

Had quite a tiring week with AF . It still scares me every time but try and distract myself when it’s happening.
Love to all

Had a decent night's rest last night. Made such a difference. Its been a decent day! ? ? Did some hoovering, dusting-(badly needed) changed bed and made cheese scones (always seem to make cheese scones although I don't eat them, DH does and I can freeze them for aunt). Don't know why but tummy although a little tender is not too bad today. Wonder if it was cos I just had some tomato soup yesterday. So, no moany post today everyone. Crossed fingers!
Annie Thankyou for that suggestion. I didn't know
that MIND did counselling a bit cheaper. Private counselling is hugely expensive. I'll think about that.
So sorry that new diet is making you feel sick. You have been on liquid meal replacements so long, it might take a while to adjust. Blinds sound so frustrating and I think it's not long since you had them fixed.
HVDY Your son's ex sounds a - - - very frustrating too. You must have felt so angry. So wrong of her. It's an awkward situation. Your son's weekend arrangements being spoilt too. Hope he can still see his new girlfriend.

Wishing everyone a good weekend. xxx

Hi all x

HVDY what an evening you had , so wrong of the mother to
tell the children not to say anything. Hope the training with
Age U.K. isn’t too long a time x

Sweetpeasue yes you are phobic, which is understandable,
private counselling can be costly but contact your local MIND , they may have counsellors who don’t charge high
fees , you really need help to overcome your phobia my love x

Cross stitching going ok,it is painful for my hands but have to
put up with it.

My change of diet ? Rather a lot of nausea ?

My remote control window blinds , grrrrrr, have two on the living room window, it was too wide for one blind, today I have
two blinds which will not rise and lower together, have one open and one closed

How is everyone?

SweetpeaSue Palpataions is horrible. I hope your pain subsides over the weekend. x

Anniebach Have you been abled to eat anything extra? x
ScaredyCat, EllieAnne, Doodle, hope you're all OK.

Well, the planned weekend with the GDs went to pot - we picked up Son1 from work, went to fetch them. Went to a pub (we seem to go quite often ) for dinner., as both GDs said they'd not eaten - it was 6.45 by then - when the food arrived, GD2 said she felt unwell and didn't want it, but was told to eat some. Got home, she wanted to go to bed. 15 minutes later, she was crying - she vomited all over the bedding. I cleaned it all up, got her sorted out, son put fresh bedding on. We then played board games with GD1. Another 20 minutes later, GD2 vomited all over the bed again, (missing the bowl she'd been given) that was all changed and dealt with and she went to bed. Then the mother texted my son to say she wanted the girls back. Took them home, it was 9.30 by then. Turned out they's had a McDonald's meal after school, and that GD2 had felt unwell then. The mum had told them not to mention anything and had arranged to go out for the evening. So - lots of washing, shopping, driving (round trip of 43 miles) and then I saw that DS2 has left her iPad, reading book and jacket here, and Son1 has had his weekend plans dashed

Annie l still haven't had counselling and have given up on expecting it now. I've no idea what went wrong. I haven't had any more communication from them since I last mentioned they phoned to say I was further up on list and did I still want it. Though I said yes I now don't think it will be useful. A GP said there was waiting list of nearly a year! Apart from the Hysteroscopy going wrong when I was taken back to ward after op a nurse came round the beds telling everyone how sorry she was that there had been a lady amongst us on reception ward that tested positive for Covid and that we'd all have to isolate for 2 weeks. Everyone was shocked. It was in Oct 2020 during lock down. I'm so scared of things going wrong.
I was wondering how you were getting on with cross stitch. Hope it hasn't been too much for your hands, that would be such a shame. Are you still coping with changes to your diet?
That Pilgrimage programme is on tonight. I saw you enquired about it on another thread.
HVDY It's been cold here too, what a change. The CBT counselling was good for me many years ago. Hope it will be so for yourself. Putting yourself forward for the Age UK volunteer befriender programme sounds great for you.

*Doodle Scaredycat EllieAnne *Hope you're all OK.

Had restless night and lay awake in early hours getting anxious and had sort of panic attack with palpitations.
In pain this morning and got coat on and we sat and talked until I convinced myself it wouldn't be a good idea as abdominal pain is not on list of A&E emergencies . It subsided, came back strong then subsided again. I just hope I can get over the weekend again as I know that will be the worst time to go.
I wasn't going to post but you've all been so good in trying to help it seemed selfish not to. I still feel bad about it though. Thankyou all so much. Xxxx

Anniebach It's brightened up here and is now sunny but windy. It's warmer outside than it is in my living room (unless I put the heating on for the cat). The volunteering thing is a lengthy process - I did the application forms weeks ago, had the chat today, and she's got to send off for references then check my Enhanced Disclosure (DBS) on the system. After that, online training (??) and then induction. What a palaver. Have you got any befriending schemes near you? x

Hi all x

Ellie Anne thank you for sharing positives, definitely a ?, x
another question, do you like loyal and dependable people ?

Sweetpeasue you have a mega phobia my love , do you have
.counselling ? x

HVDY cold and grey in Mid Wales too,yuck, volunteer work
with Age U.K. ? There are many like me, husband dead, no family living near, alone and lonely , I am sure you will be just
the person needed x

Joyce if reading this , you are missed and in my prayers x

Nonnie you are missed x

Doodle hope you have sunshine ? x

How is everyone?

How is everyone this morning? The weather's changed - it's cold and grey. Mr Cooper has gone back to bed . I had a telephone assessment at 8am (been up since 6) for CBT. Waiting list is 6 weeks. I've got someone from AgeUK here later, to set me up with some volunteer work. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

HVDY Thankyou. You're so right about us all living closer. It's so frustrating to hear of Annie's difficulties too and not being able to offer practical help. Hope you have company tomorrow. X

I DID get your message Doodle.
Bless you. And thankyou so much. I wasn't sure if BD could be of help initially. The support on here has been absolutely genuine and caring from you all. I so appreciate it.
Now you get back to the party Doodle and enjoy your holiday. X

sweetpeasue don’t know if you’ll get this as I’m not sure of the internet at the moment.
Please read this next sentence over and over to yourself like a mantra. *You are not a coward. You are not letting anyone down. You have a worrying health problem and have been let down by the NHS. You have friends who feel
for you, care about you and will support you anyway they can on this thread*. Now stop being so hard on yourself and rest. x

SweetpeaSue You've had a long day, and you and your husband must be tired. I do hope that you both manage to get a restful night's sleep. Your husband is obviously very supportive, as is mine. I didn't go to the park, I feel self-conscious on my own. x

ScaredyCat, Doodle, Anniebach, EllieAnne and everyone else - wouldn't it be great if we all lived near each other? Indidentally, where's Nanny and Nonnie lately?
Hope everyone has a peaceful night. Mr Cooper has been complaining that it's cold, so I've put the heating on x

First of all Annie What brilliant news!I'm so thrilled for you, and MT of course. She's worked so very hard and it's about time she got a break. 'an asset to the team' - - so really made her mark. I can feel how proud you are. Wonderful news indeed.

I can't tell you all what it means to have such support from you all Reading your messages brought a lump to my throat today. Now I have to tell you that I haven't seen the Gynaecologist today. It will now be next week. Had pain yesterday afternoon then before bed eased off a little. Husband on alert. Woke up at 4 and came downstairs in pain, husband fast asleep. Toughed it out, it subsided but felt we'd go to A&E this morning. Rang hospital (different 1 to A&E) to say I was unwell and what next Gynae appt would be (next week!). Took that. Gathered things together. Felt as if pain might be subsiding again. Dithering about if it was right time to go. Sat a while longer. Walked up and down. Said OK we're going. Drove up our High St said wait, pulled into side. Suppose they don't think pain bad enough. It felt not as bad. No, we'll go. Drove 4 miles then said, pain is bad but is it life-threatening? We turned round and came back and I said we'll go if it comes on stronger.
So here I am. Tummy hurts but not unbearable. I know it will get worse. What is the matter with me, why am I so scared of everyone. We are both so tired now. I should have woken up husband at 4 but I felt I couldn't, that I'd wait a little longer. So there you are. ?‍♀️.

EllieAnne You are absolutely right. Dr's saying go to hospital, NHS saying to stay away Hardly dare say this but please go about your chest pains. It's probably the anxiety, you have extreme pressures at home, but best to be on safe side. Oh and 'Loyal and dependable' are such very special qualities. You're an asset to your family.
HVDY I don't like going out on my own either. Did you go for the park walk? I used to love ironing, felt therapeutic. Don't really mind it if there's not a mountain. Glad your son has a new girlfriend, his luck has turned thank goodness after all his heartache.
Scaredycat Did you say mountain skiing? Sorry if I've got it wrong, I can't bring previous page up with your post without losing this message. Fear can't be your middle name! Thankyou for all of your kind words and concern.
Doodle I wasn't expecting to hear from you, how lovely. Hope you enjoy the rest of your holiday. Have a good relaxing time. I know you're right about Dr's and there are certainly many good ones. My husband had a real gentleman of a consultant for his hand operations. Your own husband's serious life threatening A&E occasions must have been traumatic for you both. I think you said one of his hospital stays was during lock down. That is shockingly frightening. I feel I've let everyone down being such a coward. I don't want to worry my family anymore.
The game grandson plays he uses headphones for and it's so fast it sends me dizzy. He was playing his brother, who was at his mum's house the other day.

Hope I haven't left anyone out. Hope you're OK Nonnie.
Wishing you all a peaceful night and thankyou all again for your caring. X

Annie- firstly it’s such great news about your MT. I hope she will be very happy in her new role in life. Your daughter would be so proud of her.
I love mountains too- used to ski a lot. How ever did I dare do that!!!!
Wish we could take you to a garden centre- we are lucky to have 2 very close to our village. Have you thought more about what to have in your pots?
Yes it is so sad for the young lady in your close but hopefully she will be getting the help she needs now,
SweetPeaSue- I think that maybe now is the time for A and E . When you are in such pain they will be kind and considerate of your feelings. I understand your fear(fear is my middle name!) but you cannot suffer like this it is wearing you out. A few years ago I went and without them I would have died.
I hope that today the Gynaecologist has given you the support you need .
HVDY- oh I hope you enjoy Great Yarmouth- it was one of my favourite places when I was little.I used to go and stay in a hotel on the Front with my Nan.
I do like the sound of your days out. Pub,park,grandchildren and dinner out - what could be better.
EllieAnne- lovely to meet your GC from school- we used to love doing that . What do you enjoy watching on TV when you relax.
So pleased to see your positives - that will more than do!! It proves that you are the lovely person we all knew you were.
Please believe in yourself.
It is best not to ignore chest pain even though often anxiety can bring them on. Glad you have an appointment.
Doodle - so glad you are safely on the cruise.
Enjoy your Deck walk - it really blows the cobwebs away doesn’t it. We are missing it a lot- maybe next year.
Have a wonderful timexxx
Nonnie- hope you are ok.
Love to allx

Anniebach That's great news about your Mini Tornado. Well done to her. I haven't been to the park (in truth, don't like going out alone, I know it's daft). I got the ironing done!

EllieAnne The next time you get the pain in your chest, go then if you can. May 9th is too long to wait.

I hope Doodle is having a lovely holiday, and I really hope that SweetpeaSue is getting on/has got on alright at the hospital.

Time for a sit-down and a coffee. x