Black Dog 11

Sorry forgot about positives. A friend had asked me to meet at a garden centre tomorrow and my grass cutting man came today so garden is looking better.

Positives.
I'm not 'completely alone'. I have my husband. I still cling on to faith--by fingernails. My blackbird comes for cheese and waits on windowledge every morning. She's nesting in our ivy. Think same one as last year.

I hope everyone has been OK today and the spring weather has lightened everyone's mood.

I need to share so here goes. The only way I can keep bowel opened is by dosing myself with laxatives until I have diarrhoea, otherwise its impossible. I'm thinking GP could be right when she says could be partial blockage. The Colonography didn't show up anything untoward inside large bowel but something is pressing so hard against it that impossible to go naturally and it's seized up. Even passing urine has become difficult and painful and sets off pain afterwards. I'm scared. I have strong waves of sickness and have lost weight. I'm REALLY frightened. Can't believe Dr's can leave me like this. I've been abandoned. I can't even take efficient painkillers as I wouldn't go at all. Im completely alone I feel. I'm becoming confined to the house and husband is doing shopping and I don't know what the next hrs will bring. Tummy tight as drum all the time. I'm sure I've said too much but I'm so very scared and frightened. What has happened to our NHS? How can this be happening?

Apologies for this post and for not replying more personally to each of you. I was going to say that I can't see any positives Annie but I've just thought of a few.

My plum tree has lots of pretty blossom when for the last 5 yrs only had a smidgin for some unknown reason. Spring will not be held back and persists despite world's suffering.
I'm so lucky not to be living in Ukraine. But those poor innocent people. Had nightmare last night that one of my son's had to go and fight.

I can't wipe this post out as I couldn't write another so I'm sending now and I DO apologise. x

Scaredy-cat I met a friend for coffee this morning. Tonight I hope to go to a different church as they have a special service on but am feeling nervous as I will be on my own and they do things differently from my church. They go to the front for communion and I always worry about doing something wrong. We just pass it round.

Anniebach a lady from some mental health place rang me today, for an assessment. She, or someone else, will ring me next week, so I'll see how it goes. Positives - Son1 is happy in his new job (it's 90 minutes away, on 2 buses, but he's ok with that) He's also been seeing a new lady, so that's all good. I hope that once you get sorted out with a microwave, you'll be able to start having some decent foods x
ScaredyCat The weightloss programme is in a group, in person (I haven't yet met anyone who will be going to my group). The jigsaw is still in the box, but I'll have a look at it next week. Glad that you're managing to walk more x
Nonnie Hope you had a good holiday x
SweetpeaSue How are you today? x
EllieAnee, Nanny, Joce, Doodle, everyone else, how have you all been today?

I really didn't want to be bothered with anything today, but I forced myself to get ready and go to the day centre, and it was very nice. Hope everyone's day has been decent x

Annie- yes we have forgotten the positives again!
So here goes- walking much better today and it’s the first day out in just a jumper!!
I think you can buy quite small microwaves which might fit in better.
Hope MT enjoys her trip to London - I think the weather is going to be nice.
Doodle- I,m useless at jigsaws! Last week my GGS age 4 showed me how he could do a jigsaw on his ipad- Doh!!!!
SweetPeaSue- thinking of you and hope soon you will get some relief from your pain . I hope next weeks appointment brings some answers.
Never apologise for anything- you are in pain ,exhausted and worried. We are here to give you support and friendship.
HVDY- good to hear you feel brighter and more positive.Do you go with other people to the weight loss programme or do it online?
Your cat jigsaw sounds fun. Perhaps you could post a picture when you have finished it.
EllieAnne- have you been out today?
Nonnie- hope you have had a lovely holiday - we have missed youxx

Hi all x

HVDY a counsellor who only listens isn’t counselling. When
we are down we need positives , goals, and counselling should help to find these and give encouragement, my opinion on
counselling.

It’s time we all started sharing a positive every day again .

You have given your positive today, you are starting a weight loss programme so ? x

Sweetpeasue no apologies please, we share here , the ups and
the downs x

Scaredycat hope the ankle is allowing you to do the walk as
recommended by your physio x

Thank you all for suggestions on my food problems, I can’t
cook anything , can’t reach top of cooker from my wheelchair,
I will have to have a microwave in my living room, only place
I can put it is where I have my indoor garden so have to work out where my plants can be placed

How is everyone ?

Anniebach The "counselling" I had was useless - out of the 10 weeks, she cancelled 5 appointments. She was a nice enough lady, sat and listened patiently to me droning on, but she didn't offer any suggestions of how I might come to terms/get over things. Someone different is due to ring me this afternoon, about CBT. Would you be able to make scrambled egg in the microwave? x

Doodle Your jigsaw sounds interesting. A friend bought me one last week, of cats doing various human things such as reading a newspaper, watching tv, etc. x

ScaredyCat You're getting on great with the walking. x

SweetpeaSue It must be awful to have the pain and discomfort you keep getting. Anyone would feel tired and low if they had what you have. Rest when you need to, talk on here when you feel like it. x

I feel brighter than I did, but need to sort myself out and need a plan, a goal. The 1st stage is to lose some weight, no matter how much at the moment. This is the heaviest I've ever been . I've signed up for an NHS weightloss programme, starting next Tuesday evening. It's free! I'm starting, today, to cut down/count calories.

EllieAnne I'm sorry things are so unhappy at home for you. Could you afford (would you want to) leave and be on your own? x

Hope everyone has a decent day x

Doodle I don't want to hang on too tightly but so appreciate what you've said.

Just seen your post Doodle Thankyou . It means so much. Your kindness is so encouraging to me. It really means a lot. x

Sweetpeasue please don’t say you feel ashamed of yourself. There is no need for that. We are all weak and tired when we are in pain. We become too exhausted to cope or think and that’s what you are going through at the moment.
You don’t have to put on a brave front here or pretend you’re not suffering. You don’t bring others down. You are so hard on yourself.
Please hang on to us. We are here with you holding hands with you. Wishing an end to your pain and problems. I hope those appointments come soon and give you an answer to what’s going on. In the meantime know that we are thinking of you and wishing you well. x

First of all I apologise in advance for not being thorough enough in replying to separate posts. I'll try to remember. I'm just so very tired and brain doesn't seem to be functioning well. (probs no change there!)
Was bad throughout Sunday afternoon and all night awake with the pain and distended bowel. Felt like the actor in Alien where the alien burst out of tummy. GP on Monday says A&E putting out message that people shouldn't visit unless life threatening is not right as it causes wrong patients to be put off and anyway how would a patient actually know. Her words. I find it difficult to think straight, almost dizzy with tiredness. I feel ashamed to post and still worry that in a situation that can't improve till they diagnose and sort it I bring others down. I really don't like that. But the point of BD is to share so what to do? My life feels not worth living and even as I write this I feel thoroughly ashamed of myself. Come on and get a backbone girl!

You're all special people on here. Its not easy to open up, even though we have 'usernames'.
Annie I hope with the mess outside your garden there isn't associated noise too. So pleased you have a lovely tree in your garden--I think you said it was in blossom, could be wrong. Doodle's idea of slow-cooker might be good. Though I know you're having difficulty with cooking smells. I'm sorry, I can't seem to come up with anything that's not already been suggested. I hope there's a good Easter service on over Easter, either radio or TV that will not make you feel as if you're missing out though I know that's not the same.
Doodle So pleased you're on holiday soon. You seem to be such a source of help to others, you need to have some time to yourself. I hope your husband has got his meds sorted. Amidst the pain I had a sort of spiritual experience which I can't go into here but it did my extremely poor faith good. You asked about my appt it feels like ages ahead but with Gastroenterologist it's 3rd May. Gynae 1 next week. I think he'll want to pass me on to Gastro consultant, I just can't believe he wants to investigate. Have a lovely holiday.
EllieAnne I'm sure I don't know what to suggest that others haven't but I do feel for you. It sounds such a miserable existence but I'm glad you have friends. It doesn't sound as if your DH is a happy man but you are NOT responsible for that.
HVDY I hope you've had a better day today. After all you've been through its going to take some time to feel mentally and physically well. You've had such a busy and fulfilling job and life will feel so different without that. You would be justified in feeling resentments at all the change. I hope you can find a niche somewhere in future even if part time. You have such valuable experience in caring. x
Scaredycat I hope you're OK too. Pleased your ankle is getting better.

Sorry if I've missed people out. Oh I do hope Nonnie is OK. You are missed Nonnie.
Have a peaceful night all.

Ellie Anne you obviously do all you can to keep occupied. As you feel you can’t change your home situation is there any help you can have from the Gp., Perhaps something to lift the spirits. I am so sorry wish I could do more to support you.
Annie we are going away for a week in about a weeks time.
You made me laugh with your tale of a jigsaw on your honeymoon and a hot water bottle. I took my Teddie. ?
I’m not doing very well with the jigsaw. Fortunately all the pieces have letters on the back A to G. All the As on the right hand side and the Gs on the left. If it wasn’t for that I think I’d give up.
Can’t really believe it’s Easter coming so quickly. Been thinking more of Jesus and wondering how he felt in this week.
Is MT planning anything nice in London?
Hope you can think of something with the food. Have you got a microwave and if so, are you able to use it?
What about a small slow cooker that the food can be put in and heated slowly over a long period? Obviously the problem with your hands is a major difficulty in preparing and getting your own food. Hope Lottie is ok now x

Hi all x

Scaredcat your physio said you can walk for half hour ? then
I can now say - keep walking x

HVDY sorry you had a down day, did you not find counselling helped you ? hope today will be a better day x

Doodle I so miss doing jigsaws, done them since a child, had to stop because I couldn’t pick the pieces up, wonder if I am the only person who took a jigsaw on honeymoon, and whose mother packed their hot water bottle ! When are you going on
holiday? .
My Mini Tornado said ‘we are going up to London for the bank
holiday, bank holiday ? No, no, no, it’s Easter x

Ellie Anne how long has your husband been so silent , did
retirement affect him ? x

My food problems, am to start with 3 teaspoons of a proper meal, carer comes 10 - 11, far too early for dinner, I will sort it
out.

How is everyone?

Doodle he goes to the local shop in the morning to get a paper. Plays golf every couple of weeks. That’s it. That’s why I go out so much. I can’t take the atmosphere in the house.
When it’s not holidays I m out several nights, choir house group etc. I do everything I can to protect my mental health but just now nothing helps.

Annie could you get some anti nausea tablets from the GP.
I’m not going to church this week as we have to isolate before going on holiday. I’ve been watching the Dean at Canterbury in his morning service from the Deanery garden. I thought todays service was very meaningful and made me think more about Jesus’ last days.
I hope the heating when they do it is quick and not too disruptive.
HVDY that’s good. Perhaps you can book int when it’s a nice clear day.
Sorry you are feeling low again. Sometimes, someone asking how we are is enough to open the flood gates.
I hope the GP can be of some positive help.
Ellie Anne does your husband go out much or is he at home most of the time? I’m glad you go out walking and see friends.
Are there any evening activities at the Church or elsewhere you could get involved in?
Scaredycat the jigsaw is proving to be somewhat difficult or maybe I’m not very good at it. It’s a pretty picture so I hope I’ll be able to finish it.
Good your ankle is getting stronger. Have you got any trips planned anywhere now it feeling better?
Sweetpeasue I hope you’re ok. When is your consultation with the specialist?
Thinking of all the gang. x

Scaredy-cat he doesn’t go outside much even in summer and we would still have the silence so it would not help.

HVDY- glad you had a good birthday. What a great present a Hot air balloon trip - a proper adventure.
It’s a shame you are feeling low again today. Still after what you have been through I,m sure there will still be days when it overwhelms you a bit. Thursday you have the day centre - something to look forward to. In the meantime you can do battle with the fridge etc!!!!!
Doodle- sometimes it seems as if everything is a battle. Hope the meds get sorted before your holiday.
Your puzzle sounds colourful I love to see those balloons in the sky . I had a puzzle made for my daughter of a photo I took from a bridge over the Grand Canal - it came out really well.
Walked a bit more today. Physio says I can do half an hour then rest so I did fur5her today. It’s definitely getting stronger.
Annie- it must be so difficult after all those years to have to start all over again with ‘real’ food. Maybe a boiled egg and soldiers might be ok,soup with bread or maybe breakfast cereals. They don’t have much smell which might help.
Do understand how you feel about the heating work to be done but maybe it,ll be better to have it done in the nicer weather in case it plays up again next Winter.
EllieAnne- when the weather is nicer could you not eat together outside sometimes.
Take care allxx

H vdy I help at a church social activity for older folk but it’s off for a couple of weeks because of Easter. I go out for a walk. Most days and see friends some times.
Annie I cook his evening meal most days. He gets his own breakfast and lunch. Has exactly the same every day. We rarely eat together.
We speak occasionally but only about practical things nothing personal. Sorry you can’t face food.
How about eating custard or tinned rice pudding?

Doodle Its a gift experience thing so we can book it at our leisure. I haven't looked properly yet. Your holiday sounds wonderful.
Anniebach Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Could you perhaps try some sweet foods first, or eggs/fish with potatoes and vegetables? What a rigmarole of having the heating done. I hope they won't take long in doing it.

I went for an annual check-up earlier (the GP wouldn't prescribe my meds until I'd been). I don't know why, but I sat sobbing in there, like an idiot. My mood is very low again - again, I don't know why. The nurse said she'd get a GP to ring me later for a chat (what's the point?). The counselor, who I haven't seen for 3 weeks because she cancelled, rang me just now. I told her I don't want to continue with the sessions to see her. I'm going to do some (boring) jobs at home today. I've cleaned out the 'fridge at something smelt nasty - it was a jar of mayonnaise that had spilled all in the salad drawer. Hope everyone has a decent day x

Hi all x

Finding the food change really difficult, was so looking forward
to savoury foods but the smell and even thoughts of it causes
nausea, and I dread the new central heating installation, no problems with the heating now, so am stressed.

Easter and I can’t attend church,use to go every day in Holy Week,

How is everyone ?

HVDY what a lovely time you had on your birthday. Wow a hot air balloon trip. That sounds exciting. Do you know when it will be.
Funnily enough, my puzzle is of a sky full of hot air balloons.
Yes we are going to Norway. It is beautiful and peaceful.
Annie how have you been with your food intake?
Have you heard from MT recently.
Ellie Anne Scaredycat how are you getting on?
Sweetpeasue I hope you’ve not been in so much pain at night.
We’ve been to the hospital today for DHs blood test and then into town to do some shopping.
Been having a battle to sort out DHs new medication as the consultant hasn’t written to the GP yet. Hope they can sort it out between them.
Sleep well all x

Hi all x

HVDY you had a most enjoyable birthday , good x

Ellie Anne is there any communication between you and your husband ? Do you cook the meals for you both ? I truely
think you need professional advice x

How is everyone?

I had a lovely birthday yesterday. Went out for lunch with husband and both sons - Son2's GF and daughter didn't join us but sent flowers and a card. Sons paid for lunch and drinks. Had a stroll down by the river, then back here for cake. They gave me a miniature rose for the garden, chocolates, Soap & Glory toilet set, and then between us, (DH's birthday is this Fri) a hot air balloon trip!

Anniebach I do hope the workmen won't be there for too long. How's your Mini Tornado?
Doodle I haven't done a jigsaw since I was a child either, but a friend bought me a cat-themed one the other day. It's cats doing human things like playing cards, reading the paper, cooking, etc. What's yours? Norway - is it a cruise? I've heard it's beautiful there.
SweetpeaSue How are you getting on?
EllieAnne Do you go to anything socially? I go to a group on Thursdays (essentially I suppose it's a day centre although everyone there is able-bodied and we all make our own way there) and enjoy it.
Joce Glad you're still getting on OK.
hope everyone else is alright
Hope everyone has a decent day x

*Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I had a lovely day but am really tired now. Hope everyone has a restful night x

Back tomorrow x