Every year I don’t think it can get any worse. But it does.
We used to have lovely family Christmases but now the kids have grown and flown I am just tired and feeling very old. DH is unwell but not sure why (3st weight loss with weakness… lots of tests all showing nothing). My autistic son starts each day feeling so low and depressed that my days are spent talking him out of suicidal ideation. By bedtime he’s come round a bit but we’re off again the next morning.
I’ve no idea what’s happened to my life.
We’re all double vaxxed and boosted but yesterday on hearing that a neighbour I walk the dog with has tested Covid positive, instead of feeling anxious I just felt “well, if we get it and the worst comes to the worst, at least it’s all over”. Job done. Have even organised our funerals so that it’s not a trauma for DS. He’s an only child. DH has three adult kids from previous marriage. Also, two grandchildren.
I’ve made an appointment for my son (21) with our GP. It’s next week but we were told if he reaches a suicidal crisis, I can ring 111. I feel close to tears 90% of the time.
I spend most of my free time planning for my son’s life when DH and I are gone. Have recently updated our Wills. Set up guardians.
Last night, in the middle of the night, I wondered how bad it would be to offer my son an “out”. With me. He talks constantly of drinking bleach or jumping out of his bedroom window. I tell him that’s a potentially slow and painful death. I have had years, at least 13 yrs of this. It’s not something I’ve just “come to”. I think I’m just weary with it all.
