Would you willingly go into a care home .

My MiL was desperate to go into a care home. She was miserable and lonely at home despite our best efforts. She was a very sociable wee lady and longed for the company. She was very happy in a hospital ward where she made friends with the ladies in the next beds as well as everyone's visitors. She cried all the way home from hospital. I found a nice care home but the GP said she was immunocompromised so couldn't mix with others. It was very sad .
Home care is not for everyone.

An interesting thread.

Like most I wouldn't willingly go into a care home and at 67 still think of them being for 'old people', not me! But who knows what the future holds.

The thought of indifferent staff, sing-a-longs, miserable food and a TV on all day fills me with dread, compounded by it will cost me a lot of money. Gawd.

I have discussed the inheritance question with my adult children and they understand that the money I have may run out before I can leave it to them. I know people this has happened to, when the parent lived to be over a hundred years old, and needed care for a great deal longer than they or their relations had expected.

Having nursed my husband through vascular dementia, incontinence, Parkinsons for over 11 years, and Heart Failure in the last year or so, I could not be that kind of burden to anyone so yes, I plan to go into some form of sheltered accommodation when I can no longer keep my home to the standard I currently do, and then a care home if necessary. Although I would willingly do it all again in a heartbeat for him, because our situation evolved very gradually, I did not realise quite what an effect, both physically and mentally, this had on me and it is only in these last six months I think I have actually got myself into the right frame of mind to enjoy the rest of my life, which is what he asked me to do. I think becoming his full time Carer was my total occupation and priority and when that role ended, I have had to rebuild a new life completely and it has taken some time!

On a personal level, it's the difference between paying vast sums to some institution to prolong our lives and keep us clean, where our children maybe feel under an obligation to come and see us at the weekend at the expense of their own limited free time, and sparing them doing that and watching us very expensively slowly disappear, physically and mentally - not something that I, as a loving parent, would wish upon them even if that should be at the expense of my immortal soul.

I think we need to move away from the idea of leaving an inheritance/property to our children. Life is very different now from when most of us were young. Our adult children in a relationship are usually both working from necessity and in no position to care for elderly and infirm relatives.
Now we have worked and saved all our lives to provide for our old age so our children can be free from that responsibility.
Our main aim now should be working towards improving the care given in residential homes and by domiciliary carers.

Liz46

Calendargirl

GrammyGrammy

Liz46

My mother used to say 'if I ever become a bother to you just put me in a home'. I looked after her when she had dementia and one evening when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin he said 'it is either me or your mother'.
One of my mum's neighbours had said that if my mother ever needed to go into a home I should go and talk to her. I went round and it turns out that she goes round care homes as a hairdresser. She recommended one and it was very good.
I would pop in at different times and always found my mum well cared for.

I hope you got rid of the unsupportive husband while you were at it? Unbelievable. I'm glad you found a good place for mum to be cared for.

The ‘unsupportive’ husband had probably been supporting his wife for years, and had had enough. There comes a time when your own spouse’s needs come before those of an ageing parent.

Yes, my husband had been doing a lot for my mum for years including driving a plate of dinner to her every evening while I plated ours up.

I expect your husband could see you getting more and more tired and frazzled, Liz46 and said that to prompt some decisions.
We looked after my DM part-time for a few years as DB and SisIL did take on most of the care and it does take its toll, particularly if you have other family commitments and/or are still working full-time.
DH said he could not cope with his own DM living with us; we loved her but she wasn't easy.

I don't want my children to have the burden and worry of looking after us so it's care home or GSM's suggestion.

Some Care Homes are very pleasant. The son of a close friend sent me a link to the one he thinks his father will need to move to now his wife has died. It looked so nice, I momentarily considered moving there myself.

Even though my son isn’t in need of an inheritance from me, I could not use it to moulder away in a care home at vast expense, robbed of dignity and independence. What a waste. Hence my intention mentioned above.

I would hate the idea of moving into a Care Home, but the reality is - I have no family to care for me any more.
What little I have will go to Charity (with a few bequests to friends) - so I may have to accept a care home in the end, should I become too frail to manage.
I currently have arrangements in place for my cats, a Funeral Plan all paid for and a last Will and Testament.
I'm hoping to have many years yet to enjoy!

If I were on my own, I would not want to burden my only daughter.

I rather go back to my country of origin and hire a live in maid/carer, someone to cook, clean the house and look after me. It is much cheaper than going to a care home here.

DH is much older than me. I only consider a care home for him if he has dementia or if he has a massive stroke and become totally disabled.

Like so many of you, I saw what looking after my GM did to my parents and I'd not wish it on anyone, it's not right in these days where we're all needing to work for a living and help with grandchildren. I'd hate it but, rather than burden my kids, I'd go into a home with a smile on my face and tell them I liked it.

CatsCatsCats

I'm with all those on here who say they would end their own life before going into a home or being a burden to their children.

Absolutely this

In an ideal world I'll pop my clogs at a good age but where I've been able to retain my independence and stayed in my home but if not, with our DS in Aus. a care home would be the only option available to me.

Even if he were in the UK, I wouldn't want or expect him to look after me.

I am 79, and still caring for my severely disabled daughter, aged 58. It has worn me out, to the point where I`ve been told to do as little as possible from now on. I`ve considered a care home, but don`t want to have to spend my childrens` inheritance, there isn`t much money, but my house would have to be sold to pay for the care home. One problem is that my daughter says she is never going into a home, so what can I do?

I very much it’s mentioned lightly. Certainly not by me.

This suicide idea may be a trigger for some posters

It is a serious issue that shouldn't be treated and mentioned lightly

I'm with all those on here who say they would end their own life before going into a home or being a burden to their children.

Having no children I will have no alternative but to go into a care home, but I will try sheltered housing for as long as possible after selling my property and the responsibility that involves, my mother lived independently until the age of 98

Calendargirl

GrammyGrammy

Liz46

My mother used to say 'if I ever become a bother to you just put me in a home'. I looked after her when she had dementia and one evening when I was sitting next to my husband with tears dripping off my chin he said 'it is either me or your mother'.
One of my mum's neighbours had said that if my mother ever needed to go into a home I should go and talk to her. I went round and it turns out that she goes round care homes as a hairdresser. She recommended one and it was very good.
I would pop in at different times and always found my mum well cared for.

I hope you got rid of the unsupportive husband while you were at it? Unbelievable. I'm glad you found a good place for mum to be cared for.

The ‘unsupportive’ husband had probably been supporting his wife for years, and had had enough. There comes a time when your own spouse’s needs come before those of an ageing parent.

Yes, my husband had been doing a lot for my mum for years including driving a plate of dinner to her every evening while I plated ours up.

No

NannaFirework - just thought I'd say here that during the pandemic my friend's mum had to ho into a council care home and although the building is a bit worn and tired the staff could not be better. After initial misgivings my friend is SO pleased this home was more-or-less her only option. She would not have chosen it but now her mum sees the staff as part of her family and us really happy there.
Not all shiny new private homes can offer what people really need - or the time and small kindnesses that really make the difference.

Thinking of you. ?

Ah, it's horrible, isn't it?
My fiance left me in the midst of all our family troubles.
I was torn into pieces trying to keep it all together.
For what it's worth, the care can be dire in private care homes just as much as council ones.

Facing this dilemma with my own elderly, frail Parents…
Mum has Alzheimer’s and Dad is I’ll with heart problems and skin cancer. He is trying to take care of Mum along with Carers morning and evening. My 3 sisters and i travel an hour there and back a couple of times a week to help with cooking Dinner and or taking them out. It’s heartbreaking. Our partners are resentful of the time spent away from them (grow up) and we sisters are tired but want to spend time with our loved Parents.
Mum will have to go into care when she is fully incontinent which may be soon and it’s so sad. Dad is also resentful of Mum, but duty bound…
It’s an awful situation. I’d anything happens to Dad, Mum will have to go into Care as she can’t live independently on her own.
I hope I die before I get dependant on others.
I have no savings and would be put in a Council sun home I expect, and I know these vary in care (friends have told us).
My ‘Partner’ wouldn’t pay for me to go into a private home although he would be able to afford a Private Care home.
We got together 10 years ago and he is still married to his Wife although she left him for his old friend and they live together (the wife and friend).
I always thought I may get a share of my mum and dads home (divided by us 4 sisters) but you never think your parents are going to be I’ll and dependant in old age - we’d all like to die painlessly in our sleep - real life isn’t like that.
Sorry this
Post has made me cry and get some thoughts of my chest!

None of those things are acceptable, though.
They do happen, but it should be challenged and dealt with.