Black DOG 13

Anniebach I am so sorry . Your pain and that of your children's I have no words. Sorry doesn't seem enough. At least we had time to say a proper goodbye. The courage and strength you have I greatly admire. Because that sudden loss would have finished most people off especially with very young children.?

It's doesn't seem right to say what I usually do to someone who has lost the other half of themselves. But one thing I will say is talk out loud everyday to your husband I promise it does help. I have shouted ,swore and blamed my husband for dieing sounds wicked I know but I found if I didn't do this I hurt myself more. I started talking to him the day after he died and still do 18.5 years later. It helps me cope with life. We had 29 years as a couple and married 22. I always consider myself lucky we had that long.

HowVeryDareYou I am originally from the black country in the West Midlands and moved to the north west 3 years ago. Have always called my parents mom and dad . Our children called us the same. My brother has a tattoo on his bum saying Made in England.?

All.your posts show how much courage you all have to be able to share your experiences with everyone. I know because of you all I feel better and more confidence. Thank you.

Thanks Violet Sky. My GP advised this and I did self refer though it still took a very long time. Perhaps different self refer schemes in different areas. Useful information for others waiting though.
Glad you are feeling a little better. Your work must be a tremendous help to you.

Anniebach Nothing to forgive xx

Does everyone know you can self refer for counselling now?

You just need a leaflet which you can get from the GP surgery of contacts in your area.

There are quite a few Chrostian counselling services around which are pay what you can afford.

I did that and as I am not Christian it was never brought up to me.

It was life changing

Sorry Annie I've repeated your own message which I hadn't seen because our posts crossed.

So sorry. Phone is playing up!

being alone with this must be so hard and it sounds as if she'd want to help.

EllieAnne Just want to say that although you may have a little wait the Samaritans are there to take a call verbally but I understand if this would prove difficult if at home. I hope the fresh air and walk helps you. Perhaps if you needed to speak to Samaritans privately, in your car might be OK.If it's not for you that's absolutely fine. Please, also know that they would not call you back. You must feel so alone but there are people here that care.
Scaredycat I'm sorry that it's going to be a while yet before you see your son. It will happen, I know, but just wanted you to know.
Doodle Thank you for your warmth to me. I was in tears yesterday as it was such a huge step for me to go under anaesthetic again and to have the investigative operations but the pain I keep getting came back and I'm now thinking it could be nerve damage because of the 'type' of pain. The searing from low uterus and the painful sensation of a pair of bellows pumping pressure into my rectum. Sorry if this is too graphic. It can go completely but it happens most days or nights. If it is then I could be with this permanently. I held such hope in the recent Hysteroscopy and Laparoscopy but its all evaporated. I know there's the further MRI to investigate this other thing he couldn't identify but I really don't think that will be the cause of this particular pain. I don't know how much longer I can cope.
I realised when I was thinking about Whiff that I was glad she was continuing to fight for her rights, that I should be fighting for mine but I'm afraid of being failed or turned away from the justice system as then I would be so devestated I don't know what I'd do. I feel I'm reaching crisis point.

To all on BD I'm sorry I can't address you all individually and I hope you've all been OK today.

Ellie Anne I was explaining why I think you need human
contact, I know you find it very difficult but I so want you to have some happiness in your life, your self confidence is so
very low, I want more for you. Will you consider phoning a
help line ?

Ooooooh walking and by the sea, two of my loves. Think about
a telephone conversation my love , sending a cwtch x

Wylow3 You are so right about the wait for counselling. You have been a mine of practical info for others which I wouldn't know about though know first hand about the huge waits for counselling having waited a year for mine, started a few weeks ago. I never thought I'd need it by now but my problems are very much ongoing due to long term pain from bad surgery 2 yrs ago. I'm really sorry about your traumatic time. I hope you get a better night tonight but night times definitely worst.
Whiff I couldn't let your post go without saying anything. Im afraid I too find it difficult to summarise but rest assured you come over very clear when you post. My thoughts are you have been treated extremely unfairly by having no financial help with your medical problems and this recent refusal of help has been such a blow and brought back the previous injustice on top of the present one. Without going on about myself, the sense of injustice, I know, is such a huge thing and is difficult to come to terms with. Its difficult to put in text messages everything I'd like to say but I'm so glad you are going ahead and continuing to fight for what you so clearly deserve. You know best and its entirely your decision but I wonder if you might enlist the help of your daughter's support.alone with his i

Annie please don’t think I am criticising the Samaritans. I think they do a wonderful work.
But for me the emails did not work. Mainly I think because there was no continuity.
I’m not good at face to face meetings as I think people don’t like me .
I watched the funeral all day yesterday so need some fresh air and exercise today. Going for a walk to the beach. I know I am very fortunate being able to walk and living by the sea.

Anniebach thank you for sharing what happened to you and how you put the pain and vulnerability you suffer to helping others.

Yes, counselling is very limited on the NHS now and voluntary agencies patch and different over the UK.

The necessity of an NHS referral is very broadly speaking if you might be helped by the umbrella of meds as well as talking. For some - I'm one -the meds need reviews and supervision by a psychiatrist.
(My, was I afraid back 20 years ago of the prospect of..gulp..seeing a psychiatrist...no doubt just like most people...like they'd take over my mind or something. No. They turned out to be human beings after all, but like everywhere else, they come as very good or not so good or simply, "good enough"

I had a phone call out of the blue this morning as a local voluntary agency that offers counselling for women re Abuse has after months offered me a phone assessment session next week. I'd almost given up. I've got quite a lot still to process after years and years but then a period of crisis where it all became clear.

I'm glad things learnt here were passed on to others. I think often people believe and trust you more if they know you've been through it, when you hit rock bottom, and here you are surviving and even daring to have good moments. If there is one thing part from family that helps for me I'd say music.

Whiff, still shocked you failed to get PIP. koko if you can because goodness knows we need the money this winter.

Wave to all, can say more as I get to know individuals better.

HVDY thank you for forgiving me x

Hi all x

Whiff your husband’s death, you were able to share your thoughts with each other, speak of your love, be with him when he died, such heartbreak. Part of me wishes my husband’s death had been the same, he left the house one evening for work, when he left for work I always said ‘take care’
that evening I was putting our daughters to bed he called I’m off, my reply was ok, he was working with a drug squad, the following morning police knocked the door, my husband was
dead, he was thrown from his car and died on a country road,
his body was found in the morning ,our daughters were 5 and 7, I say this not for sympathy for me but for you, we grieve but
amidst your tears hold onto the love you shared, the precious
words you spoke x

Ellie Anne I can’t speak for all who work with The Samaritans but as an ex Sam I assure you the caring is deep,
emailing doesn’t give you the human voice, it doesn’t give
the receiver the knowledge they would get if they heard your voice and sadly there are a minority who email for fun. I have
suggested you contact MIND, they have counsellors, qualified
but not the high charges of private counsellors. If you would
talk to your G.P. he/she may refer you for counselling NHS, but
they are so stretched, more so since Covid, my love please talk
to someone, you are in such emotional distress x

Doodle I didn’t see anyone over the weekend, my tv stopped
working yesterday, my brother did come to sort it out but was
in a rush, replacing slates on a church roof, yes I am very lonely but I reminded myself how blessed I have been to have
been surrounded by love since birth. Keep walking x

Wyllow when it comes to forms of application yes definitely the CAB, they helped me x

Scaredycat January will come, remember every year we say the same about the snowdrops x

How is everyone?

Wyllow thank you I know the thread you mean the lady who was OP didn't want to carry on or be mentioned in any new thread. As it was a mind of information I started a thread along the same lines.

I am getting help from the Brain Charity with my tribunal. I tried the CAB but could never get through so someone at my craft group told me about the Brain Charity.

The forms where filled in as it was my worst day sent all copies of letters from GP, my neurologists and cardiologist. Don't think they read any of them. Also my phone assessment lasted hour and 46 minutes. But what they put in my decision letter for PIP and MRN proves she didn't listen to me . But I will keep battling on.

Meant to say I started reading other parts of this thread because my nephew suffers from depression , anxiety and panic attacks and lot of your coping skills you have posted I have past on to him. Apart from not sleeping he's doing ok at the moment and enjoying his new job . He's only 34.

Whiff What a lot of pain and suffering you have endured over the years. Can I ask, are you in the U.K? I wondered, as you mentioned "Mom", which we don't generally say. I'm only asking because of getting help on the NHS.

Thank you for sharing, Whiff. What a journey you have had. Respect.
In regards to PIP, I do get it, and I consider you should do. (!!!)

MIND the MH charity give figures of up to 80% for those who have been turned down winning at a tribunal. It seems to me you have both emotional and physical grounds. I was well prepared, thanks only to another chat room where the person writing had gone into all the ins and outs and knew what to do.

She managed the forms alone, but I wasn't going to do that. I went to CAB who will fill in the forms with you/for you because they knew better than me how to self present.

You need powerful letters from either your GP or even better, consultants. It is advised that you fill them in as if it were one of your worst days. Remember there is an everyday life and then a mobility component, and the latter is hard to get but you are in a wheelchair!
You need support Whiff you've gone it alone too long. Locally there may be a MH advocacy service which helps too.

Maybe start here?
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/contact-us/contact-us/contact-us/

This helpline is an alternative to the Sams and is in most towns.

www.rethink.org/help-in-your-area/services-in-your-area/

Its for people who have been diagnosed or feel they are experiencing emotional/Mental Health conditions. You can also google Rethink and your own town but the national helpline gives you a chance to type in your postcode. BTW I use the word "condition" deliberately, because forward looking MH people will say, "your condition" not, "your illness" which I consider a good move. Because we all have a "condition" and its helping the "please dont slap a label on me" situation.

Had a bad night but have picked up in the light of day.

Thank you all for the welcome. Reading all your posts and watching the Queen's funeral yesterday made me realise why I have been feeling as I do. I am scared . I will explain better just finish where I left off my tale. Like Sweetpeasue said I am a lot of threads but I only write about what I have experienced myself. I have had had so much help , support and friendship since I joined GN in 2019 I try and help where I can. I don't think I make sense what I write but it makes sense to me and glad to have I have had positive feedback.

Anyway we lived with the sword of Damocles hanging over us until October 2003 when it dropped. My husband was terminal 6 tumours and given 4 months to 2 years. We had to tell others after telling the children . I have talked about his parents on estrangement support thread. His dad died in 1988 aged 70. When we told his mom she just said oh and changed the subject. My parents where broken hearted and my mom never understood why she lived and he was dieing. My parents loved my husband as their own completely opposite to his own parents. He wanted to get to his 47th birthday which he did in February 2004 and died 4 days later at home with me and our children. I had to tell him to stop fighting we would be ok as he couldn't breath he died a few minutes later. Half of me died the moment he took his last breath and haven't been whole since. As others who have lost the love of their lives know only to well grief never dies nor the love for that person. And it doesn't get any easier as the years go by you just learn to cope. Even after all this time grief can overwhelm me but I learnt a long time ago not to fight the tears as you only hurt yourself.

Our children where 20 and 16. Our daughter in her final year at uni and our son at college. When she finished uni she came home to help her brother through his A levels. Our son when to the same uni as our daughter but after a year he couldn't cope so told him to stay there as there where no jobs where I lived plus his girlfriend had moved up to be with him and they had made a life for themselves. I told my daughter she had to go back as she wasn't using her degree and while at uni met her future husband who was from the north west. I could have been one of those mom's who hold on to their children but like I told both of them me and their dad had our time it was now theirs. I did what any good parent does you have to let your children fly.

I couldn't move nearer to them as I had both parents and mother in law who needed me. So only saw them 3-4 times a year . But had texts everyday and talked to them every week.

Dad died in 2007 aged 80 , my mother in 2015 aged 91 and my mom in 2017. Life looking after them all wasn't easy and but I couldn't leave them. Mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life. And dementia killed my mom long before her body died. The last 4 months of her life where hell on earth. Some on here probably have relatives with dementia or Alzheimer's . It's cruel . My gentle mom turned violent but I couldn't put her into a home . I got attacked daily but it wasn't my mom. I grieved for my mom while her body lived. The only person she remembered was my son's eldest her first great grandson think because he was a baby. At least she got to met and hold him before the dementia took its toll. Have lovely photos of her holding him.

As all of us know life holds many surprises for us some good, some bad and some terrifying . My health has been getting worse since my husband died but I coped. Then after mom's funeral I got worse just thought it was my bodies way of telling me to slow down. Me having problems all my life,bring up the children, looking after others and their deaths I dismissed what was happening to me.

No doubt from reading past posts here you have all just got on with your lives and coped the best you can.

So it came as a almighty shock I was seriously ill with jaundice and I was yellow. I had to call the doctor in but when she told me I was yellow I couldn't see it. She wrote a letter for me to get admitted to an acute ward. My son couldn't come down with work , young baby and they where in the process of moving home. My daughter came but don't remember much about the day I went into hospital. Was in for 5 days before it was safe for me to go home .

In all the years I have never been frightened living on my own until then. And for once I needed looking after 24/7 and there was no one. I was seriously ill for 5 months. My jaundice was caused by 2 of the tablets I had taken for decades to treat my syptoms. Only when my bilirubin levels where at normal was I discharged from my gastrologists care and he told me people with my levels normally die. Knew I was ill but not that bad.

Anyway while I couldn't do anything for months I looked at my life and knew I didn't want the life I had . So thought what did I want and it was only 3 things move ,lose weight get fit.

Moved to the north west 3 years ago ,lost 7st over a 5 year period and go to a GP referral exercise class. I found me again . I no longer exist but live my life to the full . I am happier than I have been since my husband was alive. My move cost me my son and 3 grandson's. But that's his choice not mine.

Anyway back to why I wrote on the thread . Since my GP said my illness was permanent we applied for DLA was turned down and even had to go to a tribunal but they said no diagnosis no benefits.

Tried again after my husband died still same answer. Because I was 45 when he died the government gave me £2000 towards the funeral but we had put the money aside so gave it to the children. My husband's private pensions paid out lump sum which is long gone but inherited half mom's estate.

Since my move my health got worse but have wonderful new GP who sent me to see a cardiologist and found out I was born with a hole near my heart it's not in the chambers but there is a flap between your heart and lungs it's supposed to close before birth but mine didn't. So I have PAF got to go for tests today and tomorrow as missing more heart beats again. Jaundice left me with being able to hear my hear beat in my left ear. Very annoying. Also got to see my neurologist in January 2020 he didn't know what was wrong but put me on a tablet to stop the jerks and seizures and within a month it's like a switch had been turned off and not had them since then . Still all my usual problems but used to those. He had blood taken for genetic testing. Because of Covid didn't have the results until March this year. So as I knew by his letter he had a diagnosis I applied for PIP. 1st April after 34 years I have a diagnosis and it's rare. And it could only be detected by genetic testing. So all the tests I had over the years couldn't find it. My parents where carriers . I am 64 . Because I can't write holding a pen haven't for years my daughter filled in the forms ,had my phone assessment . Stupidly thought because I had a diagnosis and my daughter explained how I have to do things etc and my phone assessment explained how it effected my life. I would finally get help. Of course I got turned down. I was so upset my daughter said don't take it any further and she would help me financially if I needed it. What mother would take money from her child. I don't get my state pension until 2024. I couldn't let it go but haven't told my daughter . So applied for MRN you guessed it they turned me down . With the help of the Brian Charity I am going to go to tribunal.

And that I realised it's what has caused me to be in tears and so upset as I remembered what happened last time and it scares me. I am not asking for special treatment but fair treatment. Which I have been denied for 34 years. To add insult to injury I have been told I will get 43p per week from my husband's 30 years of NI payments and he paid a lot because he was on good money. And the reason I have been given he only paid in 30 years. He didn't want to die aged 47 and because he did this is his punishment.

Told you my reason was trivial . I haven't lied to my daughter just not told her I haven't given up trying to get PIP but it is eating me up. Plus the thought of facing the tribunal brings back memories of before. I know I am a stronger person than before but I fear I will cry during it. And they will still turn me down.

Thanks to the rare diseases webpage found a closed Facebook group with the same condition. And seeing videos of what happens to babies with it I now know what my parents went through. It broke my heart.to think they went through that. They must have been so frightened. Others like me in their 60' s and 70's are only just getting diagnosed. Luckily babies who show signs get tested from a young age.

So you see I hope you don't mind me posting here. As you all have enough problems of your own with mental illness and like all me have found people can be very cruel if you have an illness which effects you whole life.

Thank you for listening..

I have recently discovered another helpline

breathingspace.scot
Breathing Space is a free confidential service for people in Scotland. Open up when you're feeling down - phone 0800 83 85 87. Opening hours. Weekdays: Monday-Thursday 6pm to 2am. …24 hours at the weekend.

I have phoned a couple of times and found their response very helpful in calming me when I was on the verge of total melt down.

I've only emailed "reports" to known people specifically for notes or to tell people why I've made an appointment.

I'm guessing helplines have to play safe in a reply to an email - they might "say the wrong thing" and make things worse so the reply might be stock phrases...in a conversation you sort of move forward slowly together and things can come out?

There are other helplines, I just googled where I live and MH helplines and found 2/3 options, some open daytime only.

I'm seeing the GC at the weekend HowVeryDareYou.

Best nights possible all.

Wyllow I have never tried a helpline but have emailed Samaritans a few times. I gave up because different people answered and came out with stock phrases and suggested solutions which didn’t help. Maybe they are better on the phone.

Anniebach no need to apologise at all. How are you today? x

Whiff You've certainly had a lot of upset in your life. I hope you seek help from a GP and/or get some counselling (although the waiting list for MH counselling can be really lengthy. I've been waiting for CBT since April) x

Wyllow3 Welcome to Black Dog. You have also had a lot of trauma. The advice you've given to Whiff is spot-on. x

How has everyone been today? It's been so quiet on our street, just like when we were in lockdown. I have to say, I haven't had the tv on at all today - in fact, I haven't watched any tv for about 2 weeks - we watch Netflix sometimes. I've been doing the boring chores after having the GDs here all weekend (they went home this morning). x

I was very fortunate 11 years ago in finding a GP who was very clued up on Mental Health issues, and would never ascribe physical symptoms to an emotional condition, unless there were clear indications that say stress anxiety was contributing to physical illness (which of course can happen), IBS is a good example.
Also physical illness often has emotional reverberations, and a good doctor will try and hep with both.

This GP has moved on now and its harder work than before to get a GP who doesn't know you to "join the dots" and take everything relevant into consideration. The 20 minutes you used to get to talk properly are rarely there now.

What is regretful but the case is that both GP's and Mental Health services in many areas are stretched to near breaking point, just as it becomes that bit easier to "own up" and talk about it!

But never stop trying.

I recommend strongly that you write things down for doctors or Mental Health professionals. I send emails or write down feelings/symptoms and they are entered into notes. (In the Mental Health system, the notes on an entirely separate system, so don't necessarily get passed on to GP and ordinary medical notes.)

Tell it like it is.

(Your letter or mails will get scanned onto systems which at least means someone reading notes will have as best an idea possible of you as a whole person.)

Being able to share is what keeps me going, spaces like this are rare: sometimes when I'm poorly I'm a flaky friend as can't promise to be definite. I'm coping OK in the day mostly: I am afraid of the dark, and nights are the longest time, aren't they? I look forward to the morning light.

I also do not hesitate to use helplines any more: its taken me years and years to do it, believe that the person listening cares enough, or when you are very depressed, that there is indeed any point talking..

but believe me, there is.

Whiff thank you for sharing much of your story. You have been through so much it’s no surprise that tears are close to the surface. I too think perhaps a visit to the GP for some help would be a good idea. For various reasons members of my family (self included) have been on antidepressants. They are not an instant fix but over time they can help.
Please come into this thread whenever you feel you can post. As others have said, we have all suffered from anxiety and depression for different reasons but we all understand how low it can bring you. Big hug from me too.
Wyllow thank you for joining us. Your insight and input is useful. I am so sorry you have been subject to emotional abuse. You have been through a lot. You are now trying to take positive steps to get out of this relationship and have a chance for a better life. So glad you have family who give you comfort and support.
You are right there is no need to be ashamed of having problems with out mental health. Many years ago I hid a lot of it because of not wanting people to know I couldn’t cope. What I have come to realise is that there are so many people out there who have real emotional issues and it’s better to support and help each other. The more I talk about my own issues the more others feel they can open up too.
Granny23 welcome to you too. The Queens funeral has brought back memories to so many and the non stop coverage is bound to have an effect on so many. It is so sad for all those who suffered loss during lockdown. How you must have missed the comfort and support of wider family and friends.
I hope the tears help and you are comforted. Please pop in here whenever you feel like a virtual hug.
Violetsky you are right about it being hard to get help. So many more in need and not enough help to go round.
It is often easy to blame everything on mental health issues but that’s just not the right way to tackle health problems. I hope you are feeling a bit better now.
Scaredycat I have everything crossed you get to see your son in January. 3 years is such a long time. I hope this time the visit happens. Been for another walk today and I do feel that my legs are responding a bit better. Must try and keep it up.
Joce we are both lucky to have our sons so close. Glad you and little Coco are getting on well. Have a lovely break.
Sweetpeasue what a kind post to Whiff
Sorry to read you started the day in tears. I was hoping you might be feeling a bit better. The bank holiday weekend is nearly over I hope if you still feel bad tomorrow you will contact the Gp again. Sleep well x
Annie I love your DGDs idea of fun with your wheelchair.
Have you had any contact with anyone over this long weekend. I don’t like the thought of you being alone all this time.
I have been watching the funeral service on and off today. So many sad and teary faces but just goes to show how loved and respected the Queen was.

Joce- that’s lovely that your children are so close to you- must be great at Christmas! My daughter does live very close to me as do 2 of her daughters but we have 5 children between us and the rest all live away . Yes I hope to see my son in the New Year - I miss him so.
Hope you enjoy your time away- a change of scene will hopefully do you good.
Whiff- you have suffered greatly and have had so much to deal with . Sometimes our brains get overwhelmed with everything and we need help to overcome the onslaught. I think from how you describe your emotions that it is something that your GP could help you with. We are here for you.
Wyllow3 -glad to welcome you. You have a wealth of knowledge of MH and are still suffering from the effects of a damaging marriage. You are right when you say people are often afraid to acknowledge it both for themselves and other people.
SweetPeaSue- yes today has been a sad one but also an uplifting one and a celebration of a life well lived. I hope today has been a more comfortable one for you.
Granny23 - I,m so sorry you had to go through your great loss so alone. It must have been unbearable and so stressful putting on a brave face. Perhaps now crying is what you need to release so much emotion not dealt with. I couldn’t cry while going through some terrible traumas and still can’t but I cry inside.
Annie- hope you have been ok today xxx
Doodle- we watched the service for the Queen today and just wanted to say what a lovely man the Archbishop of Canterbury is. I seem to remember you liked watching him in tv services. I apologise if I have remembered wrongly. Went out for a walk this afternoon though as the weather was so lovely and we are away at the Sea for a while. Hope you are having more peaceful sleep now.
VioletSky. - yes I do sometimes think GPS see Anxiety or depression on your notes and blame physical problems on them . I,m glad you managed to get a proper diagnosis eventually.
Love to allxx

It's quite hard to get help these days. I lost count of the amount of times I went to the doctor before my thyroid diagnosis and I think because I have depression and anxiety on my record, they didn't take my physical symptoms seriously and put it down to mental health.

Having mental health issues doesn't make you any less valid. So many people struggle and still do amazing things