Black Dog 14

I’m watching 24 hours in a and e now. Did anyone watch mayflies? A lot of it was filmed near me.
I’ve had a dreadful night. A lady from church who I’d tried to be a friend to and have had problems with took exception to a post I shared on fb. It was just a general post about being there for people with depression and she started sending messages saying I was hurting her and had never been her friend and a lot of other nasty things. She was ill over the summer and I did such a lot for her.
She regularly falls out with people and I think had mh problems but it’s really upset me. I can’t avoid her as we go to same church.
My blood pressure went way up and am still feeling shaky.
Have blocked her on messenger and Facebook and if she phoned or messages I will block her on phone too. She knows I have family problems and can get really down but still does this.

Doodle I hope you can get as much as you can from that space x.

(family is end next week, take it when it comes)

Night night BD's, have the best you can.

HVDY just watched first episode of Without Sin. Go so into it I forgot to look for the Church 🤣
Do you have a good cook book for your air fryer? I bought one from Amazon for my DS at Christmas but it was rubbish so I sent it back. They are pleased with theirs but not used it much yet.
Sorry to hear your DGDs half sister is in hospital. Hope she’s ok. Good your son is looking after his girls. One less thing for their mum to worry about. Sounds like your other son is making progress with his GF. Were they actually living together before?
Wyllow glad you’ve got an appointment through and it’s not far off. Are you going to your family? Is this the visit you postponed at Christmas? Hopefully you will be able to relax and enjoy yourself.
Yes small friendly conversations with others you meet up with are nice. I’m off to church tomorrow for the first time since before Christmas. Looking forward to our after service coffee and chat.
Sweetpeasue I loved being with my DGC too. The chat and making things and playing silly games together.
Glad the pain is better. I hate those nights when you can’t sleep because you mind is in overdrive. Hope tonight will be better.
Hope the counselling and the reading group go well. Have you got a good book at the moment?
Wyllow much appreciate the good advice you give to others on the thread. Having been through so much yourself you have good insight.
Scaredycat I think we’ve probably all been thinking about your sister today. Hope there has been some improvement.
Annie we miss you x
So looking forward to Church and just sitting there quietly. Will say a little prayer for all on BD x sleep well all

I dont repeat it, as a mantra atm I just have the capacity to do it, because I've felt as you do and got through it, and there were reasons why I felt as I did at the time which I understand now.

During that period I did have a Quaker counsellor through it.At the time I might have said it wasn't helping but what she was doing (after trying ""suggestions") was realise she had to walk through with me in the darkness. My current counsellor shows all signs of easily doing the same, she is very experienced. She is in reality being a psychotherapist not just a counsellor.

And yes, saying alive for family and even Ex at the time was there at the back of my mind too.

I think you need to talk to your counsellor at the next session what you really feel atm and ask her how to go forward as I think you need more help. xx

I too avoided going out or wanting to do exercise or go out tho forced myself to swim twice a week. I couldnt contact family at all except for occasional phone calls which took everything I had just to pretend I was "there".

The human spirit is remarkable. Things never stay the same forever, however it feels now.

Sweetpeasue when someone says I don't have a reason to live it makes me sad and mad at the same time. This doesn't mean I am mad at you . But my husband died aged 47 he didn't want to die he had no choice cancer made that choice for him.

I wish you had a counsellor that didn't ask the same questions but just talked to you and asked what you want out of life. I know you want to be pain free and someone made accountable for what happened to you . I wish you could have both. I don't have anything to say that would give you hope that will happen.

But you have family that loves you and needs you whether you think they do or not.

I do not believe at life at any cost. As it's quality of life that counts not quantity. You have a quality it's not want you want but it's not life threatening. Living with pain day in and out for years is no picnic I know I have lived with pain as long as I can remember and next month it will be 35 years since it got worse and in constant pain. But it's become part of me . Like you pain stops you doing things you want and for me when I have a flare it bugs the hell out of me and my body shuts down and it forces me to sleep during the day. Luckily the flares last 2-3 days and goes back to levels I tolerate.

I had a wake up call in 2017 when once I recovered from jaundice my gastrologist told me people with my bilirubin levels normally died. I knew my life had to change so I had to think what I wanted. It's not selfish to put yourself first and do things just for you. I realised I hadn't lived my life since my husband died I existed and put others needs first . My parents and mother in law where dead so I was free to live the life I want. It's not easy to put yourself first but their are times when you must .

Apart from not being in pain and having someone accountable for what happened. Have a good think and think of what you want . Can be something small or silly anything at all and go for it. I promise it's worth it .
My wants where simple move house ,lose weight and get fit. My bungalow is exactly how I want it,lost 7 st but it's still a daily battle and I did get fit unfortunately due to pain flares and mobility problems not as fit as I was but working on that slowly.

There are only 2 certainties in life we are born we die. The rest we have muggle through the best we can. And it's hard and as we get older it gets harder. I hope you can get a good night's sleep and can thing of something positive tomorrow.

Sorry if I have offended you or anyone here I don't mean to but I don't always know how to say things . When really all I want to do is give you a hug and listen to you talk.

Wyllow You are so right atm I dont believe the state of things regarding pain will last. Plus I dont believe I was told truth about what was seen in last op. I've proof of some of that. But I feel alone in my experience and waste of last 2 yrs with no one held to account. Its with me always and Ive believed(still do) that I'll die because of consequences of whats been done.

I'm very isolated and lonely. I dont have a reason to live, apart from for family. I guess thats a big reason. But Id still like it to be for me too, if thats not too selfish. Counsellor asks set of standard questions every session.

The 'I can endure' Is this a self statement to repeat in bad times?
Your help is so appreciated, thankyou.

I hope health professional gets back to you and your appt can be managed by phone or zoom. I do admire your
willpower mentality with exercise. Ive quite a lazy streak but if I can get out for a walk I feel much better. I cant walk in own village though. Ive this thing about not wanting to be seen. Youre so right about a smile though from checkout assistant or anyone really. A few kind words cost nothing do they.
Hope you have a good night and get the required rest for mind and body tomorrow.

Sweetpeasue you ask, "So why do I feel so depressed and thinking of dying? "guessing - because of the exhaustion of all your worries. body and mind just wants it to stop. although you have recently been less pain free recently, you don't feel as the moment it will carry on.
It's very understandable in your situation.

How to cope? I think you have to keep on counselling, I think you said it was limited term? I'd like to think that you can count on a weekly place to speak up freely and get support. My other strategy - "I can endure", been here before. Good to hear about seeing DGS, while one is with them their freshness and love is a blessing.

There is a crucial difference between wanting to die as in going to sleep and not waking, and actively thinking of ways to get there especially if they are aggressive ways.

If your mind dwells on the latter, then you need more help than you are getting right now.

I've got a 10am tomorrow with psychologist at 10am, but after quite an active day today(gym, counselling, and just now managed to make it to supermarket for collecting meds and weekly shop. Actually that was positive - its a very friendly place and quiet, it was nice they know me in the pharmacy, smiles, kind folks. Dont these little things count!

My pattern currently is day in bed the day after:

I've contacted them to see if it can be done by microsoft teams but won't find out until the morning. they were so busy today that my lunchtime email was not picked up until I phoned at 4.30. A phone call won't do the job as well but it the fallback. So aware I'm being 'measured up" as being well enough for Discharge as well as the pressures on her from so many other people - I can't "triage"!

Scaredycat Hope youve managed to keep the worries at bay a little today and the AF isnt troubling you too much with all the worry. As Doodle says- good sign that your sister has managed to start eating, however small. Thinking of you and sending love. 💐
HVDY Your nights sound so awful,I hope it doesn't continue too long. The snoring must be v loud. Wish I knew what to suggest. I've tried ear plugs for noise from next door but after squashing them into ears they seem to 'ping out' and are not comfortable if ear on pillow. Ive not watched the drama but have been in the hospital you mentioned. Wet and windy again here too.
Doodle Your poor husband, I feel so sorry for him and you too. You must feel so helpless at times when you are limited in what can be done to make him comfortable. If he could sleep without the constant interruption of RBS he would feel more able to cope with other health problems. I hope this holiday will be something to spur you both on. It was nice to see DGS yesterday. He can be so funny and I like to talk to him and hear about his take on things. Its not been easy to make arrangements last couple of years so not seen him as much or other DGD.
Wyllow Wonderful news about your colorectal appt. I think this consultant specialises in different field to Gastroenterology though not quite certain about difference. Sounds as if youre worrying about the family visit as you're not feeling very strong. It must be so difficult with the CFS and also difficult to fall in with family activity when you're feeling so low. The 'maintaining situation where ex won't turn on you' must be exhausting in itself and a constant drain. You ARE a survivor Wyllow.x
EllieAnne You sound very tired. It will be extra strain to look after gc for full days. You are such a support to your family. Remember to look after yourself too.
Annie Hope you are managing to meet others now and they have found a way of providing the help you need to get into wheelchair and see others. It will be boring for you if you feel unable to move around. Thinking of you.
Bohemian *Whiff and *Nanny Hope you're ok.

Spent morning catching up with sleep as up last night worrying. Largely pain-free again so good. So why do I feel so depressed and thinking of dying? Counselor this week - not seen 3 wks. Reading group starts tomorrow-v nervous/anxious.
Take care of yourselves all.

Scaredycat just more love sent in your direction. It doesn't sound good xxx
Doodle you are a real star with your DH. Lots of "catch 22's" in there.

Yes, extremely wobbly and wobbled all my way through the counselling and still wobbling but tucked in bed. Good news is a colorectal appointment 1st Feb thought it would be 2 months more, but doubt they can do scans same day. Wobbling about coping with family visit next week....my temperament is such that I am a person who has exercised well all my life but now cant do a lot, work off anxiety, see buds a budding et al, have fears of not being able to look after me.

But I'm a survivor and count myself fortunate when I look about! Yes, a lot of it is recovery from Ex and maintaining a situation where he is not likely to turn on me but I dont function as "supply" counsellor says is good strategy.

ScaredyCat The fact that your sister is eating a bit now sounds hopeful. I hope the antibiotics work quickly. My boys are ok, thanks - Son1 has had his girls since Sunday, so is taking them to and fetching them from school, doing their meals and washing etc. (their half-sister (14) is very ill in hospital so mum is staying there with her. Son2 saw his GF last night, and they agreed they cannot live together successfully, but will carry on seeing each other.

Doodle That programme sounds good. I'll be watching 24 hours in A & E tonight, it's from Nottingham again.

How's everyone been today? It's been raining all day here. I went to see my brother and his wife for a couple of hours.

There are a series of documentaries on BBC 4 called winter walks. I watched one last night in the Yorkshire Dales with Selina Scott. So beautiful and peaceful beautiful photography, if anyones interested.
Going to try and catch up with your Without Sin programme too HVdY I will keep my eye open for the church and the road.
Ellie Anne you’ve cleaned the shower and toilet so let the rest wait a bit till you feel less tired. You can’t do everything. Sometimes I pace myself and think….it’s only dust. Your health is more important. Having said that, I do like it when o have the energy for a good clean.
Wyllow no the swimming pool isn’t really an option though I would like too. DHs balance and his exhaustion would mean he couldn’t be trusted to get out of the pool and get dried without help or without falling over. To be honest I doubt he could cope with it. Washing and dressing in the morning takes it out of him. It takes him the best part of an hour a day to sort out all his medication and take it. Poor man is asleep on his feet most of the time. If only he didn’t have RLS he could stop taking the tablets that cause him to be so drowsy and dizzy but his RLS is every day and impossible to live with without the meds. Even with the meds he struggles in the evenings. He’s asleep in his chair post lunch as I’m writing.
Thank you for the video that is kind. I do massage his legs and he does exercise but has to be careful as it induces cramp.
He has many catch 22 problems. Fix one and cause another.
Scaredycat I do hope your dear sister is getting good care.
DH was diagnosed with pneumonia earlier this month and lots of antibiotics seemed to help that and his last chest x Ray was clear. Obviously the kidney damage needs good attention.
Really hope she starts feeling better soon. The eating a bit is a good sign.
Bohemian and Whiff thinking of you and you too Nanny
Hope your DH is not in too much discomfort.
Annie we miss you loads. Saw snowdrops yesterday but it was on the TV in that programme with Selena Scott.

Good morning friends.
Latest news on my sister is that she has pneumonia and acute kidney damage . She is eating a little bit now thank goodness.
There are other things but want her to remain anonymous too obviously.
Will try today to keep busy and keep the overthinking gremlins at bay.
SweetPeaSue- glad you have had some better days . It’s fun picking up GC from school isn’t it. We did it for years and now my GGC are at school - where has that time gone? Enjoy that time it is special.
Wyllow- hope todays counselling goes well. I think you are so worn out with the past few emotional weeks but you were able to manage your shower and gather your thoughts together for today. I hope that you now get some peace from your ex and can start to enjoy the simple pleasures there are in every day life. I think of you often.
Doodle- your poor DH - restless legs is so debilitating isn’t it. Maybe the treadmill will help with that too- I hope so.
EllieAnne- glad you,re home safely. I don’t think men’s eyes work the same as ours! Enjoy the time with your GDs - I know it’s tiring but they will have lasting memories of spending time with you and it goes so quickly. I understand your longing to just rest peacefully at home though. Glad you have friends you can see - maybe you could just sit by the sea and chat with a cuppa. I remember you said you could drive to the sea.
HVDY- I think we have recorded that programme so will watch it with more interest as it’s close to your home.
I hope you were able to sleep ok and the snoring didn’t crescendo too much. It’s a mystery how quickly my DH goes to sleep too- no Whatifferies for him!!
Hope your boys are ok.
Bohemian and Whiff hope you are having as good a day as you can.
Annie- as always thinking of you.

Love to all xx

EllieAnne If you mean "Without Sin", it was filmed in my home town of Nottingham - some of the scenes were 2 miles down the road. Sorry you won't be able to have a rest or catch up (until the weekend?)

DH has just gone to bed and I can hear him snoring (I don't know how he manages to get to sleep in about 5 minutes). I might brave it and go to bed soon (I don't fancy being on the settee yet). x

I SO hope the treadmill helps, Doodle.

You haven't mentioned walking in a swim pool so I'm guessing thats not an option.

If you watch this video see if MrD could do any of these in the evening when its worst?.

Also you can do a bit of the massage its suggested for him if he isn't up to it himself. Its very basic. Beware - US accent and a bit jolly, but the exercise is sound. Nothing unsafe.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oemmxek_bsc

Doodle I have started watching it. Where is it set?
I watched a good programme called light in the hall. It was set in Wales.
Hvdy I will need to be out most of thurs and Friday as he does not go out.
So no chance to catch up then or have a rest.

ScaredyCat You're naturally worried. Your sister is in the best place for now, and I hope she soon starts to improve.

Wyllow3 Thank you . I bet you felt better in yourself for a while after a shower and some food. I think keeping a diary is a very good idea. I hope the counselling tomorrow helps.

EllieAnne When I was in hospital for 6 weeks and got home unable to walk without a 3 wheeled frame, the first thing I did was clean the toilet. DH and Son1 had been here the whole time and had done nothing at all. They had had Covid, but still...... You'll be busy with your GDs then, but can you perhaps have a day catching up on Thursday or Friday?

Doodle That programmes (we've watched all episodes) was good. There's a Catholic church in one episode, which is 2 miles from me. Another shows her driving along the main road near to me. Sorry your husband has got the wretched restless legs problem again. Poor man.

Hope everyone has a restful night x

Sweetpeasue must be lovely for your aunt to have such close contact with you.
I used to pick up my DGC from school too sometimes. Seems a long time ago now.
HVDY thanks I might look at that, don’t watch ITV often because of the commercials.
Went for a good walk this afternoon. Chilly but the sun was out,
Scaredycat you sound so worried. I do hope there is better news of your sister soon. Will hold her in my prayers.
Wyllow I’m glad you had the shower it will make you feel better. You sound exhausted. Hope the counselling and MH meeting help.
DH is struggling with his restless legs syndrome again. It seems to be starting earlier in the evening and the irritation is really upsetting him.
Ellie Anne glad you got home safely. You must be tired after that long drive then early starts too. Hope you have a good time with your DGDs.
Annie thinking of you x

Evening all. Tired tonight after early start. Scan went ok but no news yet obviously.
Wyllow hope Your Ex gives you some peace now.
Same to you Joce hope you’re ok.

Ellie Anne Dont see it ime.

But yes, it would be lovely for you to be home alone a while. I get lonely at times but its far better than being alone with another there when love is not.

Yes willow I am home and feeling very low. First thing I had to do was clean the shower and toilet . Do men not see it or don’t they care?
A friend tells me I’m looking very tired. I’ve been out most of the day.
Am looking after gds tomorrow and Wednesday because of school strikes so will be an early start both days.
I would love to have a few days at home by myself to rest and catch up with stuff. But that won’t happen.
Thinking of you all and hoping Annie had got tv sorted out is getting some company.

Sweetpeasue not forgotten! Nor Annie and other BD's.

HVDY nice to read your posts you are part of keeping this forum together!

Scardeycat so glad you have popped in. Of course you are pre-occupied with your sister. Very understandable. I hope her confusion subsides, at least x

I was in a very black hole when I woke up after a snooze earlier this afternoon. I hadn't had a shower for 8 days and felt too tired to do anything. hard to tell whats depression at this point and what is CFS. but had something to eat and made myself shower and glad I did as settling to some admin. I've got counselling tomorrow but on Wednesday the check in with the psychologist from Mental Health, and she needs to know state of mind as I can only check in monthly.

I've lost a lot interest in things like nature and family, it takes a massive effort to contact them and I don't feel mostly they are really "there". But still, I can look at it from the outside still, not in the state where constant black hole. But I don't want MH to discharge me.

Writing my diary has been invaluable because I can send it to her and I am as honest as I can be.

I did decide to send Ex the requested video, for two reasons: firstly, if he view it I hope he is embarrassed or ashamed of some of the things he said, but I'm not holding my breath - it was requested at 5am in the morning probably when he was doped up: but secondly, I do not wish to join the band of people he blames for everything, as possible consequences not desirable.

Ellie Anne thinking of you, you must be back home now.

Whiff you do correctly ID the complexity of grief well.

Oh Scaredycat I'm so sorry there hasn't been much of a change yet. I know how much she means to you and I'm hoping and praying she will start to feel better very soon. Thinking of you. x

Hi all I,m feeling a bit overwhelmed with worry about my sister at the moment. But I have read all your posts this afternoon. As most of you know I love her very much and she has had such a hard time just lately . There is no change at the moment but hope to hear from BiL later.
Thank you again for your kind thoughts and will post properly tomorrow. Welcome to the new people today. Wishing you all a peaceful night.

Wyllow* I look at YouTube now and again. There's a lady with a channel called Kay's Cooking. A very friendly, cheerful, Northern lady, who cooks things from recipes people have sent to her - the trouble is, she's no Gordon Ramsay or Delia Smith. Very entertaining, though, and she's a lovely person. It sounds as though your ex is still trying to manipulate and bother you. Could you/would you block his emails? His medication is his responsibility now. Look after yourself.

Doodle The programme is on ITV. No matter what position DH is in, his snoring is still awful. We've had people bang on the wall when we've stayed in hotels! He's very selfish, in a way, as he says we all need to wear earplugs! Your husband must be glad to have got the scan over and done with. I hope it won't be too long before he gets the results.

SweetpeaSue I hope your pain subsides and that you enjoy your time with your GS.

Whiff You have had such a lot of sadness in your life, but you've come through it all. Do keep posting.

Anniebach Hope things are being sorted out a bit for you now. Has the problem with your tv been sorted out?

It's been grey and wet all day here. I've been faffing about doing boring chores. Son is going to make dinner this evening (chicken fajitas and sweet potato wedges, which DH doesn't like, so he'll have bacon, eggs, beans ). x