Black Dog 14

It must always be so hard Annie to have that loving contact as each time it reminds you of your loss. Life has a way of that often being the case, choices whether to expose oneself to triggers, particularly loving triggers, but your event was so shocking, anger, injustice.

HVDY ...ah...you always make good on your caring .....and want it to be the best it can...and worry ...
How do we convince ourselves in these situations we are "good enough"..answers on a postcard....

Sounds like you are sorted now for tomorrow, Doodle I hope you enjoy tomorrow and that DH has an OK day health wise.

Sweetpeasue did you have a nice walk and hoping the pain is holding off for now.

nadateturbe of course you did the right thing taking the time out. Well, the only thing, there is no choice really.

I'm not doing well going down the acceptance road on CFS: supposed to be going to family for new year but its feels far too much the way I am right now yet at this point in my life they are part of my meaningful way of being in the world. Adults will understand, not sure the kids can, and they grow up so quickly. If Grandchild 2 out of 4 wasn't so disabled, they could visit easily....

Ex didnt turn up this morning. Waited half an hour.

I got a text whilst waiting from a Quaker whom I'm getting to know a bit more or less inviting me round: but I turned my car in the direction of Ex's flat - big step for me as not an area I know - and as I got there he was coming out of the door. He teared up: but cant have been expecting to get to me in time so ?
Yet we had for 2 hours a pretty benign conversation which of course I've been writing and thinking about since then. Trouble is, I can never know how much he will recall, but think enough: he did say his actions and words led to me experiencing abuse and that he couldn't stop himself:

I was the first women who had rejected him, he lost his ability to reign in his ability to control the ripping into people bit: fortunately I have proof as otherwise I couldn't have stood my ground: he has the ability to block out, forget.

I did manage to change the narrative for a time from blame to acceptance of mutual circumstances. But I believe after much thought he accepts separation as being the best thing, and that we are free to move onto other people if that is the outcome.

He's not living a life I would want any part of, and the life I live, even if I had more energy, is too different from how he likes to "operate" and I use that word deliberately.

We were on a drive: then on the way home he suddenly changed: nothing directed against me, but raging on a family matter: some putting down, then tears when I dropped him off.

I think it was worth the precious energy, time will tell.

nadateturbe Thanks, yes, it tasted good. I always get anxious about getting food ready for people, but it all turned out well. Hope you've had a good day

All well that ends well HVDY. Glad the trifle was OK.🙂

Anniebach I can't imagine the tragedy of a losing a child (however grown-up, they're our children), but particularly in such a terrible way. I'm glad you have the love of your grandchildren. They're still grieving, too.

Doodle The trifle actually was ok - the jelly set again (just about) and it was edible. Hope you have a lovely time with your son tomorrow.

SweetpeaSue Both GFs are very nice young women, Their children (one each) are good kids.

The gang all arrived at 4. DH and I did far too much food (but most got eaten) and the 4 kids played some games via the tv, and we all played Charades. Son2 went at 8, Son1 went at 8.30. It was much better having paper plates and foil platter things - only the glasses and cups to wash. Hope everyone has a relaxing evening x

HVDY I'm sure your son's GF will appreciate anything you've done. You do go the extra mile for all your family and you always do all you can.
Doodle Enjoy your evening. I've recorded a couple of things to catch up on too. Went for walk this morning though a very lazy afternoon indoors so all good.
Wyllow Hope you are ok.

Anniebach sending love and hugs. Sometimes it's hard to cope with loss even with faith. Especially at Christmas. I hope you feel a bit better tomorrow. God bless xx

Dear Annie of course you miss your beloved Catherine. It must be hard for you every day. Take comfort in the fact that she loved you and you have loved, cared for and supported her children. One day you will be reunited I’m sure.
I’m glad you had chats with your grandchildren. Hope you adapt to life in your new home and are content there.
HVDY i hope your sons new Gf appreciates the effort you have gone to for her. You should tell her.
I hope the day goes well for you. You’ve put so much effort into it.
Sweetpeasue hope you’ve had a good day.
I’ve finished wrapping presents for tomorrow for our visit to DS2. Got to make some brownies. But relaxing now after dinner. Got lots of things I want to watch on Tv so having a relaxing evening.

Anniebach I'm lost for words of anything of comfort. I can't imagine your heartbreak and loss but I'm sure the pain must be ever there and moreso during this time of year. I know your faith alone is a source of some comfort. I wish there is something I could say. I know when my mum died I was screaming inside and woke up doing that. I can't imagine your own loss. I'm glad you had face-time with your grandchildren. They are part of you too. I'm sending you sincerest thoughts of love and comfort and I pray especially for a release, however temporary, from that terrible, aching loss. God bless you Annie. x

Hi all x

Yesterday was a distressing day for me , my grandchildren FaceTimed which was great fun, but there is one person missing, five years on and the ache and longing is as strong as the first year,

Bloody hell, I've ruined the trifle - Son1's GF, who has never been here (we only met her 2 days ago) is lactose intolerant, so I thought I'd make the custard for the trifle, with Alpro. First, I made it with far too much milk. Had to start again. Then, made it too thick. Poured it onto the jelly, and now the jelly is liquid. They'll be here in 2 hours! I might have to go out to a supermarket and look for a suitable dessert .

Wyllow3 HVDY is right. You are in control
Just mildly disappointing Sweetpeasue. Having M E I have become used to changing plans. 🙂
Anniebach hope you had a good day and got to sing some Christmas Carols.

Wyllow thinking of you today and hope the meeting doesn’t upset you.
I watched the Boy the horse etc. So lovely.
Sweetpeasue DH had a good night thank you. His breathing is a worry very shallow but his heart rate has gone down which is good. Please to hear you say you’re doing ok. Hope you had a good day yesterday and enjoy today.
HVDY wow you’ve got your hands full today. Hope you have a lovely time with all the family. Paper plates and a buffet is a great idea. Most people enjoy a buffet. Have a good day.
Annie do hope you had some company yesterday. Are there any communal areas in the home where you can meet with others?
nadateturbe sorry you weren’t feeling well. Probably a good idea to stay home and rest. Hope you are feeling better today.
Scaredycat hope you had a good day yesterday. What are you doing today? It’s sunny here so we plan a walk before dinner.

HVDY Have a lovely day with all your family. Hope your son and GF ok now. I'm really well thankyou.
Wyllow Good luck with you meet-up. Hope it goes as well as it can.
Doodle Hope your husband has been better this morning. You must have felt quite worried yesterday. It can be a difficult situation when we are amonst others and not up to it.
Nadateturbe I hope you start to feel better soon. Sometimes better to have a quiet day rather than trying to go ahead with original plans. Hope it wasnt too disappointing. I found The Boy... had beautiful animation, especially the movements of the horse and the forest. It was just a very gentle and quiet little film.
Annie Hope you had a nice day and youre ok.

Hope everyone's day goes well. Bright day here so might go for a walk.

Wyllow3 Keep remembering that you are in control of the situation and can drive away at any time, should you feel the need to get away. Best of luck.

Just got to nip to Asda to get Alpro for the custard - Son1's new GF is lactose intolerant (and it's her birthday today so I'd better get a card and small gift - only met her the day before yesterday)

Morning all!
Just awake. (Woke at 4.30 back to sleep 7 30). Cancelled plans as still feeling under the weather but had a lovely relaxing day at home.
Doodle I hope you have a restful day and your husband feels a little better. Socialising can be extremely tiring.
Sweetpeasue it's so annoying,when neighbours do that and difficult to complain at Christmas if it's not their usual behaviour.
Must watch The Boy....
Wyllow3 midwife was as usual very good. So much crammed into one programme. And a new season coming.🙂
Best of luck for your meetup with ex.
HVDY paper plates and buffet great idea.

(he is only available on phone when he is near a wifi hotspot, his home isn't one of them, so can't just ring or text and know it will arrive)

Thank you, HVDY - yes, its pre-occupying me. He might not even turn up. Slightly strange exchange of texts yesterday about his mum but he left things hanging. I'm driving to a place he can walk to OK (he's got bad lower legs and has not yet been to see a GP) and we are due to have a drive, Costa coffee from garage, mince pies brought. Oh well, best foot forward.

and you have done Christmas really well HVDY- I share your hopes son might better settle, hopefully time will heal

Wyllow3 Best of luck with your ex today. Hope things go well.
Doodle Hope your husband feels better, after yesterday. Hope you have a nice, relaxing day.
SweetpeaSue How are you? Good that you saw your son and grandson yesterday. He must have shown you all his presents .
Anniebach How was your day yesterday? I hope you had a nice day.

We had a quiet, lazy day (DH and me) yesterday. The gang will be here this afternoon - both sons, their GFs, their children (1 each) and our GDs, so 10 of us altogether. I'm doing a buffet and using paper plates .

Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Night all....

Doodle sorry to hear it was a tough day for DH x

Sweetpeasue so many bits in "the Boy" etc...like where they say, its OK to ask for help"

Wyllow3 I watched The Boy the Horse ect. Part where they were huddled into the horse in the storm was so significent in that the storm will end. Hope that's true for all of us in troubles. Keep yourself safe and hope you have a peaceful night.
Doodle Hope you have a restful night too and your husband starts to feel better. Chatting can be exhausting I agree. Take care of yourselves.

Evening all.
Back home and resting after a full on day. We had a lovely time but DH wasn’t 100%. His heart rate was high and his breathing a bit ragged and wheezy. However, he got through the day taking it quietly. Lots of lovely food and chat and now I’m exhausted even though I haven’t done anything. Glad we’ve got a day at home tomorrow to recover.
.Wyllow hope the day has improved for you as it’s gone on. Did you enjoy your time at the Quaker meeting?
I haven’t yet watched call the midwife so I’ll get the tissues ready. Hope all goes well tomorrow and there is no upset.
Sweetpeasue glad you got to spend time with your grandson. Hope you had a good day and tonight a peaceful night.
Hope all sleep well xx

Oh my "call the midwife" was a real sniffle at one and I don't do that easily. Its the sense of love and community I want so much in my life

.thought I had it with Ex for a long time..now I lack confidence.

Hmm yes, semi.
Don't think Ive seen Home Alone 2.
Sounds good. Will watch Call the Midwife later. Hope you have a peaceful might Wyllow and wishing you well for your meet up with ex tomorrow. x

Oooo Sweetpeasue I would be mega cross with neighbour! is that in a semi?
But it seems as if things picked up for you and I hope its been less pain.
Had a decent snooze and now watching "Home Alone 2" and found myself laughing out loud!

tomorrow is Ex late morning but take things as they come.

Wyllow3 Neighbour noise between 2 and half 5 meant no sleep but just got home from son's after nice meal and seeing grandson. Dropped him off at his mums. Now feet up and quiet and breathe....
Glad you had lovely quaker meeting and nice WhatsApp with son.
Hope everyone has had a reasonable day. x