Black Dog 14

Thankyou Wyllow Just seen your post. I will listen to your link when husband not around(he's watching TV) but just read psalm 22. It voices many of my feelings. I must say that I dont feel God has let down at the present time as I'm still in hope (though it fluctuates erratically). I hold that hope but I dont believe I will have complete 'divine intervention' without my being proactive. I'm thinking of being braver and writing to hospital (which Ive had no interaction with for 18 mths. This will be scary as it will mean risking another denial and rejection from the very place it started. I'm not sure how far I can go with this. I noted your 'wise to choose who you take on and when'. I dont know if Ive missed 'the time' and I dont know if I possess any wisdom at all. I only know Ive been wronged and its not only affected me but all my family. Of course we've all been wronged. Its different though when its by a profession that has authority to do things to your body under general anaesthetic and then doesnt let you know the truth and reports go missing in order to deceive. Sorry I think I need to go. Just wanted you to know how much that I appreciate your caring and telling me of that psalm. I dont think anyone needs to be religious to love and care for each other which I know we all do here. You take care of yourself Wyllow. You've got it so hard right now.

I don’t think nithered is Scottish. Not from my part anyway.
I used the word dreich on a fb thread and that was new to some.
Going to see d in l and little grandson today. Haven’t seen them since Christmas. It’s a bit frosty out so hoping the roads are ok.

EllieAnne I haven't heard of dreich. Where I live, some people say it's a bit parky (I don't). Enjoy your time with your DIL and GS.

I'm going to aqua aerobics later this morning, then to a pub for "brunch". Hope everyone is ok this morning - I must be the only Atheist but I wish everyone well. x

Dreich is grey wet and miserable! Don’t think there is an equivalent word. Back from my visit. Trying to make myself go for a walk.

EllieAnne Thanks for that. It's been cold, sunny and bright here, apart from a few snowflakes at lunchtime for about 10 minutes. I made my weekly companion 'phone call to my lady (volunteer thing with a company called Re-Engage) and we put the world to rights again, although she always refers to things being "different in OUR day" - I'm 63, she's almost 90! Just contemplating cooking a chicken orzo recipe for tea (DH will moan but that's too bad)

How has everyone been? SweetpeaSue Did you get through to the GP?

This is for Annie. No snowdrops yet but the crocuses are nearly out.

Thanks EllieAnne Nithered must be northern England then. Not heard of Dreich. Hope you had nice visit with your DIL and Gs.
HVDY Snow on n off here all morning but not laid.
Went to GP and in half n hr. Deal of time spent working out urine infection dates. Their's dont match mine. Some samples not confirmed UTIs as some not sent for culture. Other GP I went to beg of Jan was overruled regarding CT scan (she was registrar) because I had one on uterus in September. Have to speak to Urologist about my infections in March. Feel v depressed and so v tired. I told of anxieties about nearing end of counselling and she says they havnt influence over this 'Impact' where I have it. Noticed I had a couple of private appts in past (Gynaecology, when things were going wrong) and asked if I could go private. Says she's referred me to other Gynaecologist (60 mls from here). Knew this. Didnt feel any reassurance really but she's put on record my UTIs must be confirmed.
Have had low pain all afternoon and still have. Sorry, not a good day.
Hope you're all not too bad. Thinking of your sister and hoping she's ok Scaredycat.

EllieAnne- hope you enjoyed your visit this morning. Your little GS must have been very happy to see you. We walked today it hailed a bit but still better than staying in all day. Good you are on the snowdrop hunt too!!
HVDY- you sound like you really enjoy your weekly chats. The lady must have some wonderful memories I am nearer to her age by far than you and things certainly were different!! Some good some not so good. What is Chicken Orzo? Must be quite a healthy dish as DH won’t be too keen!!!
SweetPeaSue- glad you got to talk to the GP but it doesn’t sound like you got very far. It might be a good idea to pursue one private Gynae appt if it would mean you can see somebody nearer and sooner. So sorry you,ve had a difficult day. Thank you for asking after my sister I didn’t get a report yesterday but should get one tonight. I felt so pleased that she had had a better day Saturday so I am hoping that was the case yesterday. Hope you have a peaceful sleep.
Annie,Doodle, Wyllow,Whiff,Joce,and all BD sending love

Sweetpeasue I'm sorry your GP hasn't taken your MH state more seriously. I suppose a referral to another Gynaecologist was her only port of call - have hope, she/he may be a "good un" - these days 60 miles I'm afraid isnt unusual.

Is "Impact" a voluntary organisation or run by MH services?
How did you get into it? if it only offers limited term counselling then options - ask for full referral into MH services, contact local MH services if possible yourself (depends on locality - our city has a "single Point of Access" that anyone can ring, but you'd have to talk about the worst feelings you sometimes have as continuing and continual) Or a private counsellor. Mine is funded for a while by Quakers, but is £50 a time, depends on how you are set up. To me, first priority after basic needs, and I could afford it am very fortunate indeed after Quaker funding stopped.

Today's been OK tho good sesh at gym ended up rather awful in a way - mobiles are not supposed to be taken into the weights area at all but low key use is tolerated. but the bloke next to me was listening to messages which were really loud so I asked him politely to turn it down.

He looked at me as if I were "mad" and puzzled so I repeated it with the information mobiles not actually allowed - he got aggressive so I told him loudly its wasn't a costa cafe it was a gym where people liked to get on with their exercise., he got angry back, told me to GO AWAY like in a very sexist put down way....a woman covered with tattoos who hadn't heard the first bits told me I was being aggressive..

.so I got the manager because of his rudeness to me ....when she came up he accused me of being racist. Gulp. He did seem to come from a culture where older women in particular should “put up and shut up”.

However me feeling my anger come out was a good thing as I've said before I squish it down...will see what happens if I encounter him again. (Manager said asking him to turn a phone down was not racist but within rules)..

I'm ringing son about going up to see them, I had a bit more energy today and worked out it would be better to go up ant the weekend not weekdays because despite the kids not being there and giving me space to rest.

I was I realised frightened of being depressed and lonely alone in their big cold house and I need to feel comfy about being there but a withdrawing and not active gran if I can manage it.

I need to feel son accepts me as I am and only one way to find out if it works.....I cant read bedtime stories and will be on settee most of the time...have to give it a try - withdrawing from them depressively is not a good thing (past patterns).

Ellie Anne I’m a southerner and I have heard if and understand dreich.
Hope you had a nice time with your DIL and grandson. Is he staring to recognise you yet? Sorry I can’t remember how old he is.
Wyllow that’s a lovely psalm. Not one I’m familiar with but I liked the words. Good for you sticking up for your rights. You were only asking that chap to stick to the rules. Hope you don’t encounter him or his tattooed friend again.
Guess what? Our treadmill has arrived much earlier than expected. We’ve had a little go on it but are waiting till the mat that it sits on to come. On it’s very slowest setting we can just about cope. Still practice is what’s needed.
Hope your son is understanding and your visit goes well.
Sweetpeasue gosh snow again. Hope it doesn’t settle.
Sorry you didn’t get any satisfaction from the GP (is this the one you see normally) . I understand they may not be able to do anything about the MH side of things as the MH department usually sort out their own priorities. Strange their records don’t tally with yours perhaps they’ve not been recording things properly.
Do you know when you will see the consultant (60 miles away) is it still a long way off?
I’m sorry you feel low. Understandable when you don’t get the help you were looking for. I hope something good happens for you soon to lift your spirits.
I’m going to try and get in touch with DHs GP tomorrow about his restless legs. It’s every night now and affecting his sleep.
HVDY It must be such a boost to the lady from Re engage to have someone to chat to every week. Some people are very lonely and don’t have contact with others. I expect your calls are the highlight of her week. You obviously get on well despite the age difference. Hope you enjoy your orzo.
You don’t have to have faith to be a kind and thoughtful person HVdY. You have been so supportive and helpful to others. 😊
Scaredycat hope things are improving for your sister. We only went to Waitrose shopping today. We were going for a walk but it was far too cold. Hopefully get the treadmill working ok soon and the. DH can exercise in the warmth.

Scaredycat You are a brave one to face walking in the hail but I know what you mean about needing to get out of the house. It can get quite depressing without any fresh air. I hope your next news about your sister is encouraging.
HVDY I'm sure that lady loves your calls. My aunt is v nr her age and she often says the same to me about OUR age, forgetting there's over 20 yrs between us. Hope the Aqua-Aerobics was good and your brunch meal after.
Wyllow What an awful thing to happen in the Gym. I would have felt really shaken up with such aggressiveness from him. I hope he wont be anywhere near the next time you go--it would really put me off. I hope you're ok. I hope you feel better about making your decision regarding visiting son. The counsellor I see isnt from voluntary organisation but local MH services, I self-referred.
I hadn't realised private sessions were so expensive. I will ask my counsellor next week if there's room for more extension but I v much doubt it.
Doodle Glad the treadmill has arrived at last. I should think the slowest setting will be best while getting used to it. Yes GP was the one Ive seen 3 times since September when my longstanding one retired. In call back I asked her for F2F because I felt anxious but I dont think she was keen but said she could *squeeze *me in before her home visits so I felt bad about it. Our surgery doesn't do F2F unless absolutely necessary. DH was meant to be called back after giving BP readings and wasnt. Theyve def made mistakes about UTIs but think it's whats happening now--just too busy. GP referred me to other Gynaecologist in November. No idea when I'll get appt. My Urology appt was for this month but I got letter in Dec saying it was put back till March. I do hope you get some better news from GP tomorrow. Its absolutely awful your DH going through that every night. He must be so weary of it all now after so long. You must feel so helpless.

Annie Joce Whiff Nanny Nadateturbe hoping you are all ok.
Wishing all a peaceful night. x

SweetpeaSue No wonder you're feeling so low - it sounds as though things perhaps haven't been recorded correctly at your surgery. When is the appointment 60 miles away going to be? I think some GP surgeries let patients arrange their own MH counselling. I self-referred twice, online, so would you be able to do that?

ScaredyCat Chicken orzo is a recipe from "Pinch of Nom" book. Orzo is pasta, but looks like rice (a little bit larger than rice). Son and I had it, DH had fried bacon, sausages and egg - with buttered white bread . He said our dinner was "foreign". I hope your sister is doing well.

Wyllow What a horrible thing to happen at the gym. I think some people like to play the race card when it's not necessary, and that man sounds horrible. Would you be able to listen to music on headphones at the gym? I hope the chat with your son goes well.

Doodle The disturbed sleep you and your husband keep having is no good, the poor man, he needs something sorting out. I hope the GP can suggest something.

I hope all BDers have a restful night - I'm going to try to wear headphones tonight and listen to some soothing music through them . x

HVDY You're right things haven't been recorded properly. I self referred for this couselling and it took over a year to get it so not sure about referring myself again. What a mountain to climb for MH help. It seems to vary greatly throughout country. Oh I do hope you get sleep tonight. Good luck with the headphones..

Definitely I think there's a need in most to get out of the house each day to stay best well.

HVDY you made me smile with the foreign food! That was my Dad! all the very best with the headphone plan.

Just hoping Doodle so much that MrD can benefit from the treadmill. yes it will take practice but mostly hoping you can fast forward that consultant review of meds x

No at the gym I like to be there amongst people can be fun helpful comments and yet focus on my own breathing, details of movement etc, been a member for 20 years and won't let one man spoil that. Points, the manager has not only known me for 9 years and that I'm not racist but also that I've had abuse from a man. Feel "I won't let him put me off". Grrrr.

I've rung DS. I explained I had nearly put it off because I felt my needs were unreasonable and also that I didnt want to withdraw from contact like I used to when "a bit depressed" and that my eating needs were particular and I hadn't wanted to bother them etc..

he was great actually and I'm going for the weekend as part of my dread was being alone in their cold big house during the week although paradoxically has wanted to do that so I could rest.

I still have to find out it I can cope with it and tiredness but only one way to find out. I didn't mention constant huge noise levels and feeling I was camping...just have to see.

Best nights all BD's

Sweetpeasue try chasing the new consultants secretary to see if she can hurry along the appointment.
Yes I know all surgeries are reluctant to do F2F but at the end of the day you should have the right to be seen if you want to be.
Sadly I think these days we have to have an active hand in our health care. I’m phoning surgery tomorrow for DH and I’m chasing up his follow up at the assessment centre.
Yes you could ask for an extension when you see the counsellor and if necessary self refer again. You need strength to keep fighting for help but don’t give in. You deserve to get some answers x
HVDY your DH reminds me of my dad a meat and two veg man. You and your son are much more adventurous.
Hope the soothing music helps you sleep.

Wyllow So glad you're not letting that man in Gym win. The manager has known you a long time and he knows that man was not following rules and being nasty.
Doodle Thankyou foryour words and suggestions. Not sure who the Gynaecologist will be just yet as think it may be to the Gynaecology dept but as soon as I get appt it should say who Im under. Hope you both sleep well.

Well done Wyllow for sticking up for yourself and doing the Managers job for her. She should be enduring sure rules are kept.
I've been very down again, been a lot of others probems which bring me very low but can't walk away so I'm stuck with it, it's getting worse and some days I cant stop crying but eventually get on track again.

Still here reading how you are all coping. Wyllow glad you said something and stuck to your guns. Why is it anyone who is a different race or culture pulls the racist card when confronted with rule breaking. I am white English somehow don't think someone of a different race or culture would like it if I called them racists. But it works both ways but people only see racism towards anyone who isn't white but white people are also victims of racism. The only ist I am is atheist. How many here have had discrimination because of physical,mental or both health problems . I know I have . We are supposed to be a more tolerant society perhaps one day we will be.
I well remember when my daughter was 5 and because my walking was so bad my daughter said mommy that man is looking at you as if you haven't any brains . Broke my heart my daughter noticed that. In those days I usually was in my wheelchair but we only went into one shop and used my stick. This was 34 years ago.

I have noticed a big difference between how I was treated in the Midlands to the north west. Here people don't hold differences against you and excepting that we are all different.

No one is perfect but if you read magazines and watch TV they strive for perfection. But everyone's idea of perfection is different. Perfect would be boring I love people's differences . Take my craft group we would never have met any other way it's love of what we do brought us together and keeps us together and we all care deeply about eachother. Most of us have physical or mental or both health problems it just worked out that way. It's just a craft group anyone can join. Our age range is mid 30's to mid 80's. But we just clicked so much so we keep in touch via our what's app group during the week. But we all agree it helps with our physical and mental health. No matter how I feel I go every week because I know by the end of those 2 hours I will feel better but it's how we all feel. We talk about anything and everything and can get saucy at times.

I wish everyone had my craft group you don't have to be crafty we welcome people if they just want a chat. Ok we are a group of chatterboxes but are fun.

Sorry to all those going through the mill again mentally and physically. Hopefully you all get the help you need very soon. But you all battle on regardless that shows how strong you all are . You take your knocks but keep fighting and help eachother . That's why this thread is so lovely. You all care about eachother and make people like me welcome who lurk and post occasionally.

Take care of yourselves you are a special group and I never say what I don't mean.

Hi all x

Ellie Anne crocus beautiful, thank you. I love the early blooms, splashes of colour in dreary January and February.
Are you still going to choir ? I hope so x

Joyce sending love , how is Coco ? X

Scaredycat great you are keeping walking, and on the snowdrop hunt, it’s important to Black Dog, those tiny, fragile
little blooms defying frost, ice, snow . I pray your sister is getting stronger, you have had much stress my love x

Doodle how’s the treadmill going ? X

Allsorts sorry you are feeling very down, you sound trapped,
we are here for you x

To all, January and February are cruel months for mental health , shall we do our positives ? We haven’t for ages. And do keep walking , I don’t want anyone to experience my problems
caused by stopping going for walks.
Much love to all x

HVDY Thursday my tv will be fixed 👍 x

Aniiebach At long last, you'll soon be able to watch tv. I hope you'll be able to use the catch-up service on it.

Allsorts Anything you feel you can share on here? Whatever your problems, it sometimes helps to talk to someone - if not on here, then a friend? Relative?

How's everyone's day going? Son went off to the office (he works from home - our dining table - all the time, so it's been nice to have the house to myself. Wearing headphones didn't work last night, so I'll need to think of something else. It was so bitterly cold this morning, but there's a blue sky and sunshine now. I met my friend for lunch at a garden centre, then went to the automated car wash. Got the boring chores at home to do now. Hope eveyone's ok x

Hello friends
Wyllow- Well done for facing up to what sounds like an ignorant bully. Glad you got back up from management - you have been there a long time and it’s obviously somewhere you feel at home and relaxed. He needs
to get rid of that chip on his shoulder and grow up .
You must feel relieved to have spoken to your son and hopefully now you can relax knowing he understands. Yes the noise from a busy family can be overwhelming but you are an important part of that family and they will love you being there. I,m sure they will understand if you need some time out to rest and be quiet for a while.
Doodle- hope,the treadmill is up,and running now- walking!!
I do hope it will help your DH to gently exercise his poor legs.
It will be great on a day like this when it was so cold and slippy. Also you can just do the odd ten minutes here and there.
No real news re my sister except BiL has a cough and cold which will restrict his visiting. He emails every day and this morning he said there was no progress since Sat. My head is all over the place as there is such a lot going on at the moment.
SweetPeaSue- Everything seems such a battle at the moment for you - I think it would be a good idea to try and extend your counselling sessions - you have nothing to lose. Wishing you a pain free peaceful night.
HVDY- Orzo sounds nice - where do you get it from? Fancy you making foreign food- How very dare you!!!!!
Shame headphones didn’t work maybe there’s some really good ones,on Amazon.
Hope you enjoyed your lunch.
Whiff-=I,d love your craft group such a lovely mix of age and abilities.
Annie- walking today was really dodgy- so icy. More of a mince than a walk.!
Yay soon you,ll have your telly back- what are you looking forward to watching.
Yes we need our positives back. I really need them as my head is full of worries at the moment.
So my positive- I didn’t fall on my butt this morning on the icy paths😀😀
Love to all

ScaredyCat At least your sister isn't worse, so hopefully she's starting to feel more like herself. Your BIL needs to look after himself now, too. Orzo is fro Asda (other supermarkets should stock it), where the pasta and rice are. Foreign food . I did quiche, sweet potato wedges and a lovely dressed mixed salad tonight. DH had ham, potato wedges and poached eggs .

I hope everyone has a cosy evening. I'm going to watch my programme at 9pm, it was filmed in QMC in Nottingham - going to have a shower and get my pyjamas on first . x

Hello Allsorts and Whiff nice to hear from you.
I agree Allsorts , Wyllow was right and the gym manager should make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Whiff anyone and everyone can be discriminated against by others. All it takes is for someone to think you are different . Not their perceived idea of normal. Why others have to be so unkind I don’t know.
Your craft group sounds so lovely. Yes it would be nice for everyone to have such a group as yours. I have a mini one with my friend. I play a logic game in the iPad which I enjoy. What I don’t enjoy are the advertisements that pop up for other games where girls have to make themselves beautiful because they are too far or too ugly or they don’t have the right clothes etc. What are we teaching children.
Thank you for your lovely post,
Annie you are so right about walking, I realise that now more than ever. We bought a treadmill because we thought it would improve DHs leg muscles and balance and give him exercise when the weather was too bad to go out. We will persevere but it’s frightening seeing how much he had deteriorated in the last few months. This is a man who 2 years ago would do 20 to 3o flights of stairs a day for exercise, with lockdown and his fall and broken ribs, he can barely walk these days. He can’t stand upright and the treadmill on it’s very slowest setting is too fast for him. Keep walking all as Annie says.
Can’t wait till the TV is fixed. I wonder what the first thing you watch will be.
HVdY there are some noise cancelling headphones you can buy but I expect they are very expensive. When you sleep in the spare room is it ok then? If so then it’s just coping till your sons house move comes. It is bitterly cold as you say. I’ve been chilly all day. Nice you had some time with your friend. I’m off to church with mine tomorrow. We have coffee and a natter after.
Scaredycat such a shame about your BIl. Will your sisters daughter be able to keep an eye on her while her dad has a cold.
You sound as though you have a lot on your mind at the moment. Hope there is better news of your sister soon.
Sweetpeasue hmm I see the problem. No named person to contact. Might be worth chasing the gynae appointment’s people though. I phoned the assessment centre this morning to find out when we would get the results of DHs tests. Nice lady on the phone said they would be in touch when all the results came through. She then checked to see what had come back and confirmed they had now received all the results so she would chase the Dr to contact us. A little memory jog doesn’t cause and harm.
Wyllow you must be feeling relieved to have had a good conversation with your son. So pleased you are going at the weekend, hope you have a lovely time.

Allsorts hello again and many warm supportive feelings (read O/P on other thread.) A very very hard road to travel and its likely you don't feel you can break another's confidence.
Stay with BD's - say what you can when you feel you can. Just...wish you could get support so you have a plan, a strategy..

* Whiff that group sounds so spot on, somewhere no one need "pretend".

Anniebach just so pleased will soon have your TV up and running.

HVDY nice to have that "office" space back and very much hope your continuing hunt for a good nights sleep is successful!

Good to hear there was no landing on butt Scardeycat there is certainly too much going on atm in your family to find a lot of peace of mind.

It must be so distressing Doodle with MrD and how rapidly its got so hard for him. He's being very strong to try at all on the treadmill I so hope it works out even a bit but clearly its a long slow process...still hoping for you both better meds regime can be found. it sounds as if you might get some results via the GP soon from what you say if the results are on their way.

Walking today was round Sainsburys as I had to get meds and a bit of shopping.

Took the most enormous mental effort to get out. I'd done a huge backlog of admin this morning and of course much was Ex related, piles of papers recording this or that - evidence from abuse to sift through /discard. evidence of when he went after money in joint accounts, solicitor stuff - did quite a lot of throwing away but keeping enough.

But it was counselling day and I wanted to tackle my difficulties around anger and feeling it/expressing it/fears around it - how anger means no love, but not feeling anger is depression and turning against self/complex feeling around seeing my family and feeling worthless and scared I am not a good enough gran, knowing my DiL is wary of MH stuff and so on.

I knew I have to open the Pandoras box on anger stuff and not been surprised since the session that I've felt out of my mind in strange places with it since like not feeling "real". these things take time to digest, and longer to hope for some change.

A lot is long term but most useful bits were fears and pre-conceptions about seeing family. I still won't go if I feel physically ill with CFS/Bowel stuff too much to drive but not chicken out on the trying to feel its OK to "Be me" there.

Sweetpeasue just hoping you dont have long to wait.

Just want to say I appreciate all your kind words today. Sorry haven't posted. Scaredycat Thankyou for letting us all know of your sister's ongoing situation. I'm not good with words but I'm praying for a full recovery. x