Black Dog 14

Hi all.
Haven’t felt very well the last couple of days. A F is being a beast and think the worries re my sister and other loved ones have just worn me out a bit. However I,ve just been to surgery where they were so kind and feel a bit more sorted. Just hope AF will do one soon. I needed to explain my lack of contact.

No real news re my sister- no scan results yet and BiL has had difficulty getting any info at all. There doesn’t seem to be much improvement at the moment. Bless her heart.

Will be back tomorrow but in the meantime have read all your posts and wish you all a peaceful evening. Love to allx

Hello Cindy I wasn’t here before so I don’t think we’ve met. all the best for those anti’ds kicking in as soon as possible. You’ve not been selfish, people come and go and its hard to reach out at times one withdraws or just too weary to write so its good you have.

That must have been really difficult, Ellie Anne. He’s far to young to understand but after a funeral tough for you all.

So sorry that AF has hit hard Scaredycat. Glad you came in to say. I’m sure AF must be affected as you say.

Had a tough counselling session, need to step back and write about it to help “digest” as the Pandora’s box opened at unexpected places.

Cindy6Im sorry youve been feeling so low. I hope the anti-depressants start to work for you soon. I remember you from last year and I'm sure the loss of a close family member must have been v upsetting. On top of your other issues it must have been too much and you are needing a little more help. I hope you can find some care and help here.
Scaredycat That AF you call a beast just wont leave you be will it. It may be because of your natural anxiety for your sister too. I'm sorry you havnt heard any more news about results. It does seem sometimes that with different Drs working different shifts that information can be slow in coming. Hope your BIL gets some more news soon. Just rest and do whatever you can to feel better yourself.
Wyllow Im sure that there are many things at play. It started with the op complications kept from me then further cover up and from there many other communication mistakes. Ive come to believe I will never find out now and my only hope was solicitors finding out for me but I dont think that is going to be possible. I should feel better that Ive decided to give up--I think-, but I just feel defeated and on the floor really. I feel Im wading through treacle every day, like Ive been knocked out in a boxing ring. I'll never know or understand their reasons. No apologies,or even understanding of the torment of last 2 yrs, which I know no one can understand. Its all inside me and wont let go. I really do feel abused and b tired.
You are tired too after your counselling. I know many of us here can identify with the struggles of our demons and everything in that Pandora's box. I hope you will be able to sleep tonight with so many things resurfacing. You have so much to cope with.

I hope everyone can sleep tonight but sending warm wishes to all on BD past and present.

EllieAnne Im sorry your son and dil were at a funeral today. I'm sure your little gs will have settled by now. It's strange how little ones can pick up on changes in moods and he may have felt the changes and knew something was different. You will have been much appreciated today neing thete for your family. Take care of yourself.

Sweetpeasue I’m not suggesting your GP practice has done anything wrong just that they should have copies of your hospital letters in their files plus any other information about your from your visits so it might just be worth checking if they have any documents or information missing from your hospital records.
Have you finally decided to give up searching for an answer?
Willow yes I will post a link to the treadmill. It is very similar to many on Amazon. As you know we have had a problem with the handle we have overcome but it you don’t need a handle then there are others very similar,
Hi Candy welcome back again. Over the years many have posted on this thread. Some pop in and out and others just post now and again.
So sorry to hear of your bereavement. A sudden shock like that can knock us all back. It might take time for your new antidepressant to start working but hopefully you will start feeling better soon. Nothing selfish about not posting. Anyone is welcome to post when they feel like it. Glad you felt you could say how you feel.
Ellie Anne typical little one playing up because mum and dad left him. So pleased he was good with you and you could enjoy being with him. I’m sure they’d rather he was good with you so they know they can leave him with you than the other way round. Nice they have you to call on.
Scaredycat I have been a bit worried about you. Sorry you haven’t been well, not surprised the AF is playing up with all you have on your mind at the moment. Of course we understand if you’re not up to posting all the time but we miss you and just glad you’re ok.
Hoping for better news of your sister tomorrow. Hope you both have a peaceful night.
Annie hope that Tv is fixed soon.
I’ve beet at a meeting this evening. It was freezing and I didn’t get home till late. Only just finished eating. Early bed I think then church tomorrow. Will say a prayer for all and your sister Scaredycat

www.amazon.co.uk/Motorised-Treadmill-Portable-Installation-Free-foldable/dp/B0BRD2G8LC/ref=sr_1_4?s=sports&crid=1T0X3HK3XZO5P&keywords=bigzzia%2Btreadmill&sprefix=%2Csports%2C65&th=1&tag=gransnetforum-21&qid=1674593890&sr=1-4

This is the link to the treadmill

Thank you Doodle.

Sweetpeasue
you say "I should feel better that Ive decided to give up...... Its all inside me and wont let go. I really do feel abused and b tired. "

No "shoulds" Sweetpeasue about it because after the two years you describe, you are all wired up and defeated and not sure about outcomes and still angry and
...depression is a natural reaction after the days and nights of agonising about it..hang in in there xxx you are not alone, seek those who understand as far as possible, take any meds that might help, it will get better I promise..just not quickly.

Doodle I see how you are thinking now and I understand. - Best to leave no stone unturned if theres a possibility it might be helpful. The only thing that would be difficult is the amount of stuff there, from op in Oct, 20 to perhaps Aug, 21. I was sometimes at surgery every 2 weeks. I got a huge amount from hospitals. Unless I just asked for Drs letters. Usually get everything the GPs have written in notes. I can't think of anything that could help legally in a definite way. The retired GP was so 'on my case'. I still believe that my signed consent form for op, that didn't include fibroids (let alone a fibroid in deep part of muscular part of womb, which represents only 5% of fibroids) should have been enough to say consultant shouldnt have done anything in first place. By law theyre not allowed to deviate from what is signed for unless they believe its a threat to life. The half centimetre fibroid wasn't. That's without the mess he made, taking a bit of it out and fallopian tube stuff. Sorry I know I'm getting technical. I dont want to say Ive given up searching. Thought solicitors would help me but its not looking like that will happen. DH thinks we could try another. I'm not sure. Time's running out. I might give it another try. Every time I find another piece of jigsaw I only fimd more rumination and suspicion. I feel I have enough now really, if solicitors would bother. Local solicitors use local consultants to ask about their clients negligence cases. Guess they need to ask someone but...
Doodle, thankyou.If I had no more pain Id be able to let go. I'm def having a lot less than I had before cysts removal and bowel adhesion removal.
You take care of yourself and your dh. Hope you sleep ok tonight. You sound tired and out for church tomorrow. Big thanks. x

Afternoon everyone, I hope everyone is managing ok. Thank you to all who welcomed me back yesterday. It feels good to be back in such a friendly, welcoming, non-judgmental community. Good to meet you Wyllow and thank you for your kind words.
Sweetpeasue thank you too. Yes the loss has affected me more than I thought more so as I’m supporting my relatives who were close family. It’s ironic really that I’m doing that as I truly believe they are actually in a better mental state than me (they’ve no idea I’ve been struggling and for obvious reasons I’m not going to tell them but I’m committed to being there for them and I’m glad they’re coping.
Thank you too Doodle and thinking of you too Sweetpeasue as you seem to have some difficult issues going on at the moment. Love to all and hope all are having a good day.

Afternoon all
Wyllow-/Hope you,ve had time to digest and make sense of your counselling session.Sometimes buried memories pop up when you least expect them- some obviously best left where they are. You have a much strength and determination to deal with what is important and what isn’t.
You are always so kind and supportive to us all.
SweetPeaSue- maybe as your DH suggests you give it one last try with someone new and get to some kind of truth that will give you some kind of peace of mind. Then I think it may be time to give up fighting and concentrate on getting as well as you can and enjoy your life together.
No news from BiL as he had to go to another Hospital yesterday to get his CPap machine sorted. It never ends!!
AF still a constant companion - it’s so tiring and I,m scared it won’t go away which of course doesn’t help. Must stop dwelling on it.
EllieAnne- oh what a typical little lad your GS sounds. He was probably a bit confused by the day. He,ll get used to spending time with you and others more when he gets bigger.
Doodle- thanks for your understanding-;still waiting for news of my sister.
Had a walk round a big shopping centre this morning as it was so grey and cold today. Felt very shaky and tired but it was nice to have a change of scene. AF really scares me sometimes.
Hope you and DH are having a good day.
Candy- hello and welcome back.
You are so kind to put your feelings to one side to help your family. Remember to take care of yourself too.
HVDY- hope you are doing something nice today
Annie - any news of your wheelchair or telly?
Struggling with a positive today but - managed to eat lunch better today as have had that old familiar difficulty just lately.
Love to all

Hi all x

I posted yesterday, it isn’t here ! Internet problems, I am on the home internet, trying to have my own installed, then my tv problems will be sorted .

Hello Candy welcome back, a bereavement does cause depression, anxiety etc, you must give yourself some care and not push your emotions to one side , we are here for you x

Scaredycat you have been and are under much stress my love, AF has gone away before, it will now x my wheelchair arrived today , my younger daughter sent it by courier, now it
has to be assembled again.

Sweetpeasue do you truly believe many are involved in a coverup with the surgery ? I am concerned you are not living a full life in the present. x

Love to all x. Will this send 🙄 x

Scaredeycat yes it is scary to have an unpredictable condition as you do. It there any mileage at all in pondering if there are triggers that make it worse, to avoid, to give you just any kind of sense of control? I had a quick look at AF and relaxations - frankly, the jury is out: some recommend yoga and meditation type stuff and some dont. they all seem to agree stress can be a factor but then that so individual, isn't it?

Annie crossing fingera and toes that the better internet connection will help with the TV problems. There is a lot of good entertainment out there as well as documentaries and I so wish you had access to it.

Candy what Annie said - yes, some of us can be very good at hiding it and supporting others - which is fine up to a point, as long as you are getting supportive "imput".

Doodle thank you for the treadmill details. I was very aware that you had had to prop it up to get the stability and how much rail there was to hang onto - and they are very useful thoughts indeed - not a lot. .....but then none of us can shell out for gym standard very solid, very heavy, full rail around the machine to hold. and they definitely don't fold up and as for the cost well.... I don't need the support MrD does but am looking for a longer stride.

Its given me a realistic idea of what's needed £££ to get a bit more stability, because although I don't need to hang on too much now, as an investment its worth the thought. (and I have no props to lean it on). Bests with continuing use for yourself and MrD..

Well last night was another where I woke at 3.30am not able to get back to sleep because of "what's under the surface" aka Pandoras box. I took extra meds in the end because i really wanted to go out today to the gym for social reasons as well as the yoga. then I had a sleep..then when I woke up I did and out what's in the Pandoras box - which is heart pounding major panic because partly through counselling help I have accepted Ex is gone from my life.....* that family in itself can't sustain a feeling of connection against the black hole, that in the past almost certainly I have coped by withdrawing into life not worth living as alone I don't feel I sort of exist as a person and that's scary. The gap between those feelings and the sort of feedback one gets from everyday contacts isnt enough except when it is actually happening. but I'm a far tougher soul than when my MH stuff came really serious in 2002 as things learnt along the way.

so I am a work in progress to overcome this and will use the help I can access as long as its there. Looking forward to colo-rectal appointment re serious bowel stuff on February 1st, although I now there won't be a lot of info until scans can be arranged.

(* Candy you probably don't know that last year was all about separating from an abusive husband, now just known as "Ex")

Candy As scaredycat says remember to look after yourself too. Losing people has such a major impact in all sorts of ways as in triggering thoughts of not only immortality but memories of the past which are tied up with our own experiences, bad as well as good. I hope you are mamaging to sleep.
Scaredycat How I wish I could wave that wand and take away your AF. It must be v scary for you. I wish I knew what to suggest. I'm sure any good news from your bil will help ease your anxieties. I do hope that will be soon.
Annie Oh yes I do fully believe that the deceit is that bad otherwise Id never have sought legal redress or be/been in such mental torment.
I'm so glad you have your wheelcjair back. Hope its all put together soon. Sounds as if your TV wont be far behind in being up and running, crossed fingers.
Wyllow Youve so much going on in your head, it must be difficult to analyse it all and that in itself is exhausting. I'm sure you wont always feel this black hole there but it must be v scary to cope with that at present. Re family, I think the same as yourself that they can't fill any voids within ourselves, whatever the cause of them are. It's a lonely place to be so soon after losing your ex. I do feel for you. I hope after Feb 1st the scans get arranged as quickly as possible.
HVDY, Doodle, EllieAnne and all BD hope you have a peaceful night.

Wyllow I should mention that some people have reported their treadmill didn’t have a handrail and we never did fix ours I just tied it to the dining table. Other than that we are quite happy with it. As you know we just use ours for walking. A longer stride would need to be a bigger one I think.
For many people I think there may be a time when you think what’s the point. Hopefully we all have something to cling to.
February is not far away so I hope you get the answers soon to what is going on medically.
I’m glad you got to the gym. Contact with others is important and the exercise is good. Hope tonight you sleep better.
Sweetpeasue do you have a copy of your signed consent form? Is it worth trying a solicitor from a different area to see if they’re more helpful?
I’m glad you feel the pain is less now than it was. I hope that continues to be the case.
Scaredycat I said a prayer for your sister today at church. I hope your BIL can get to see her tomorrow and the results of the scans are fine. The AF can be a big issue. Is there any other medication you can take or perhaps an increased dose to get you through this current period when you have so much on your mind. We have had two walks today. One to the surgery for DHs asthma review which was really helpful. Change of meds for him to see if that helps his breathing. Then off to collect his new glasses post cataracts being done. He has been eagerly waiting for these new glasses so I hope they work.
Annie so the internet problems have followed you to the home. Let’s hope when you get your own set up everything starts to look better. Hope your wheelchair is available for you soon. Have they found a hoist to help you get into it?
Candy you are doing a good job of supporting others. Although you need help yourself, sometimes being kind to others can bring a little relief to us as well. I’m sure your support is much appreciated. We all need someone to lean on at times.
HVDY how have you been today. Thought of you and your day centre when I was going round M&S looking at their lovely old style puddings. One of those with custard. Yummy 😋
Lovely meeting at church today, I am so lucky they are a lovely friendly bunch we enjoy a coffee and natter after the service.
Have a peaceful night all and sleep 😴

ScaredyCat I feel sorry that your AF has been troublesome lately. Can anything be done to stabilise it? I hope you get some better news about your sister soon.

Candy Did you say you've started on antidepressants? They take a little while to start working, so I hope your mood will be lifted soon. I take Mirtazapine and they've helped me a lot.

SweetpeaSue I know what you mean about a possible cover-up by the health professionals. I wonder if you'll get anywhere in trying to find out the truth - I hope you do. I gave up trying to fight "them", it was driving me mad. I'm lucky that I've recovered as I have, but you're still suffering and it isn't right. Someone should be held accountable, but whether they will be or not, is another matter.

Anniebach Glad you got your wheelchair back. Have you had anything good for dinner?

Wyllow3 It's not too much longer now until your appointment. I hope the scans will be arranged quickly. The "what ifs" when you wake up are horrible. I have that sometimes. You are a strong person and have been through such a lot. You're stronger than you perhaps realise.

Doodle I hope the new medication your husband has been given will help him. It's been good weather for getting outside a bit. I hope you had some cake with your coffee at the church.

EllieAnne Hope you're ok today.

DH hasn't been to work again (3 days off now), so we went out for lunch and a bit of shopping yesterday. Made a curry in the slow-cooker and Son1 came round, so it was the 4 of us, like it was when both sons were young .

I hope all BDers have a restful night - I'm sleeping SO much better now that he's camping in the living room x

Doodle I'm glad your DH has got some new meds for his asthma. So hope it works. It will be lovely for him if his new glasses are suitable after his cataract surgery. Its good that your husband managed the walk to Drs surgery, wonder if treadmill is boosting his confidence and balance a little. Your church group sound nice and friendly, it's good to have that social time after service.
Yes I emailed copy of signed consent form to solicitors. It's not enough though - apparently. If we could sit down with solicitor and explain everything that happened it would be so much better but it's not how it works. We've even said we're willing to pay for their time in an initial meeting but that's not the way it's done. We had to go through this paralegal to inform solicitor. I can't make mind up what to do, Im so tired of feeling failure and rejection, feels like somehow I'm worthless in their estimation. Ive such low self esteem and what happened has made me feel my life is wothless. But I see counsellor tomorrow, after 2 weeks, and will ask about another extension or private sessions. Take care of yourself.
Scaredycat Thinking of you. x

HVDY Thankyou so much-you understand. I think there has been such a lot thats happened and I could have made it more difficult by leaving that hospital dept--but couldnt go back after what happened. I think even if I did they wouldnt accept responsibility and I couldnt take that blatant covering up again.
It must have been so lovely having both your sons home for a meal together. I only have that at Christmas now, with of course, their partners. I wish I could go back and have that but Id do some things differently now to what I did as a young mother. Past is a different country, as Annie says. Hope you get a lovely sleep tonight.

Thank you all for your feedback. As regards Ex after our 11 years I'm expecting a year or so.

Sweetpeasue you sound - are so weary and traumatised its not surprising you feel as you do, hoping you can arrange more counselling, you need sustained support.

HVDY - nice family meal!

Doodle just so hoping the adjustment in meds helps a bit in the overall picture! Walked to the surgery - my, that is good.

Wave to all BD's and best nights possible.

Wyllow Thankyou. x

Wyllow Your post yesterday - 21-25
thankyou.
I know an Investigative Hysteroscopy for postmenopausal bleeding doesnt have my outcome. Ive had 2 before. What Ive experienced, the full months bleeding every day, doesnt and shouldn't happen, let alone everything that followed. I Know Ive been badly treated and there's somethimg amiss. Why would my GP write the letter stating to my last Gynaecologist that she knows that my lost records would indicate something amiss? She was with me and believed in me. She was a believer in truth. I'm not naive. I know she wrote that letter when she was on the eve of retirement. She may not have written it otherwise.
I know that something is very wromg. Sent for another opinion we were so optimistic just a couple of mths after the botched op. We were interrogated about my second formal complaint. I wasnt examined or anything! We weren't expecting that. So sorry. Im just 'sounding off'. Just feeling very low.
I have had so much help from you all. Im so grateful for that. x

In a desperate mood yesterday. Apologies for my rants.
Wishing you all as good a day as possible. x

Sweetpeasue no apologies needed. What you have been through is traumatic. You feel wronged and want someone to own up. It’s not an unnatural response.
Trouble is when it involved the medical profession it becomes very difficult. Not sure what to advise as it’s not me. Only you can decide if you keep going with this or give up chasing answers. There is still your other consultant to see. Perhaps something will come of that. I hope you managed to sleep.
Wyllow yes I would imagine it would take some time to get to grips with what happened to you. You also have so much to deal with. I hope for both you and Sweetpeasue, counselling can have some benefits and help. Just as a matter of interest have either of you had any hypnotherapy?
HvDY what a nice evening you had with your sons. Don’t get mine together often even though they both live close to each other. Planning a birthday meal for them (both born March) later.
I couldn’t sleep last night so got up and read for a bit then out like a light till the alarm went off,
Scaredycat hoping for better news of your sister today.
Have a good day all.

Morning all,
Scaredycat thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry you are struggling with your condition. It must be very worrying for you. You probably have and others may have suggested this, but do you have a specialist nurse who acts as a go-between between yourself and the specialist? My son has a chronic condition and he used to have one who was a godsend to us. Trouble is, the NHS is so stretched that these posts may have since been cut back. Just a thought.
Annie thank you for your welcome and kind thoughts. I realise your living arrangements have changed and I hope you’re happy in the home and that you get your internet problems sorted. It’s so important to us all to stay connected.
Wyllow I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time. It’s obviously been very traumatic for you and I think that although it’s good to talk through these feelings, it does make them re-surface and like me, yours return in the middle of the night which I think is more scary. When this happens to me, I too take extra meds to help sleep come as I find it too much to deal with at that time. My counsellor tells me that these feelings do need to be felt before they ease, but it’s so difficult. I hope you’re physical health problems get sorted soon too.
Sweetpeasue I do try to look after my mental health, I try all sorts of things, have regular counselling, etc. but I’ve got a lot pinned on the new meds kicking in and finally lifting my mood. You’re right in that a bereavement stirs up a lot more than the loss of the person themselves. I think it’s stirred up my own fears of losing my own son as he’s had health issues and it sort of all gets mixed up. Im sorry about your issues too. It must be very frustrating and if obviously affecting your mental health too. We’ve had issues with the treatment my son had initially but I wasn’t strong enough to fight it at the time as we were too busy dealing with the illness. It does eat you up and the bitterness for me is still there so if you feel strong enough to fight, then do it, if not, then try and let it go. It’s hard though either way.
Doodle thank you for your kind words and yes, I know my support is very much appreciated. Your church group sounds lovely and it’s good you’ve got some good connections there. Well done too for using the treadmill. Exercise is so important.
HVDY yes, I’ve started taking Sertraline. Only a quarter of the recommended dose to start so nothing has kicked in yet but I’m doing it very slowly as I had a bad experience with Prozac many years ago which has made me afraid of meds. It’s very much a last resort for me as I’ve resisted for so long and tried all sorts of things. I hope they work. Im glad Mirtazapine have helped you. Im glad you had a nice time with your sons. My issues reared again when my youngest left home to live over 200 miles away and I miss him so much. Life is just not the same when they move on.
I need to go and get started on some boring household chores, then go and visit my bereaved family before picking up my grandson from school. He’s such a joy. Hope everyone has the best day possible. Lots of love ❤️

How has everyone's day been?

SweetpeaSue, Wyllow, Annie, Doodle, ScaredyCat, ElieAnne, how are you all?

Candy6 I hope you get on ok with the Sertraline. It must have been nice to see your grandson after school. How old is he?

I went with my SIL to the day centre. Roast beef dinner then strawberry and white chocolate gateau, and some Lamingtons that a volunteer had made - they're small, square sponge cakes, covered in chocolate and coconut. Delicious. I'm starting my new job next Monday, so I'll spend tomorrow doing some chores and looking for some new "work" shoes. Hope everyone has a nice evening x

Hello all
Annie- thank you for your kind comment. The stress goes on as I heard today my eldest Great Grandson had tests yesterday and he’s to have a scan for a serious condition.
So pleased you have your wheelchair back hope it gets sorted quicker than your TV. It,ll be so good for you to be able to spread your wings and meet up with other fellow residents.
Doodle- thank you once again for your prayers. My sister is a firm believer in the power of prayer so she would be touched .
Todays bulletin had no new news but she does sound to be quite unsettled and tearful . It’s difficult for her to sleep comfortably . She’s such a brave person it’s sad to think of her being upset. No scan results yet - very stressful too for BiL. Staff aren’t always as cooperative as they might be- but I expect they are overworked and tired.
AF is a progressive condition so I have to accept that it will be more frequent as time goes by . Walked today despite feeling grotty - just need to be out and sitting indoors moping won’t make it better.
So good to hear you,ve both been out twice . The treadmill will make your legs stronger . Hope DH new glasses make a big difference for him and also the new meds.
HVDY- I take daily meds for AF . They normally help but this time it’s going on much longer. I don’t think I,ll ever not be scared of it but just have to get on with it. Of course so much stress doesn’t help.
How lovely to be with both your boys together for dinner- the best of times.
Glad you are sleeping better bet you can’t wait to get cosy after your busy days.
SweetPeaSue-Don’t apologise for,sharing all your troubles it must be awful to have all those questions whirling about in your head. As I said yesterday maybe one last shot then concentrate on living the best life you can now. You are a brave kind lady.
Candy- enjoy your time with your GS- those times go so quickly. Do hope your family are able to cope a bit better day by day- they are lucky to have you to,turn to. Please be kind to yourself too
Whiff,EllieAnne,Joce and all BDG wishing you a peaceful evening.