Black Dog 14

Allsorts Sorry your having difficult times too. You're so right about these mths, Jan and Feb can be so bleak. Also about how other's mood changes and how they can affect us. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to live with someone with BDP, it must be so hard, especially if you're already v low yourself. I dont really have any magical words of advice or anything nut just wanted you to know Ive heard you this morning and sending you my thoughts. Yes, snowdrops are arriving and pushing up through the wet hard earth. So tiny, yet they always manage. x

Sorry everyone. Im awake with anxiety. Feeling dreadful with cold virus but had to travel to dentist yesterday as tooth bad for a while and needed appt-consult about root canal with specialist. Didnt realise what fallout would be. Woke in panic. Endodontist says 1 appt, takes 2 hrs, doing everything at once. Had one before 5 yrs ago(different dentist) needed 2 appts. Starting to think of everything. About not knowing under anaesthetic until afterwards. Like my op that went wrong. Mouth kept open all that time for 2 hrs. Could affect nerves in face. My back's been terrible since bad op. They left me in position too long without back padding on op table (that op was never meant to last an hr). Drive to this specialist Dentist hr and half, then 2 hrs in chair! I never expected this panicking about a bloody dentist. Whats wrong with me? How long is this going to affect me? I can't seem to trust. I know now that Drs can tell lies. It's not the fault of good Drs, I know that. But I thought the others were good ones. I shouldnt be sharing all this here, I know. I'm panicking. Youve all got far more to cope with, Im so sorry. Ill be ok. I think I may need to call Dentist again tomorrow but I'm not sure how to handle it. Maybe I'm always going to handle things wrong now or not cope. I'm so sorry not been able to post individually to everyone. I do think of you all. Thanks for listening. X

Aw, Sweetpeasue and Allsorts. xxx both
Back later.

Wyllow just popping in to say we’ll be thinking of you today. Hope all goes well. I’m just of your church. x

Wyllow Just to echo Doodle's words. Thinking of you today too.

HVDY Thinking of you today and hoping your new start with job is going ok. Crossed fingers.

Afternoon all, overall a good day for me so far, not jumping hedges or anything but I feel better than I have in a long time which surprises me because I woke in the night feeling proper meh. I really do appreciate the good days. I hope everyone else’s day has gone well or as well as it possibly could.
Wyllow yes you’re right. I really can’t win. I miss him so much but then struggle so much when he’s around. There’s something that triggers me and I suppose until I resolve that it will always be the same unless as my counsellor suggests, it will get easier the more I do it. If I’m honest, he probably rings because he knows I will feel better knowing he’s ok. I’ve suggested he doesn’t need to, but he still does bless him. He was always a bit of a home bird so maybe he needs it too. When I’m stronger, I’ll have a proper chat to him about it. I’m glad you got some reassurance about the way you were feeling. I always think that helps and it’s good the MH lady is supportive. I hope today has gone well for you.
HVDY no the GP prescribed 50 mg per day and I’m currently taking 25. I’m so worried about the side effects that I feel better to introduce them very slowly, plus a friend told me that when she had them, her GP told her to take one every other day and that’s the dose she stayed on so I hope it works for me too but we’re all different I know. Your meatballs sound great. I’m going to make a veggi chilli in a bit for when my veggi daughter comes for tea tomorrow. Hope you enjoyed your programme and your first day in your new job has gone well.
Doodle thank you. The primary cause of my anxiety does seem menial compared to others but the effect is profound, so yes, it’s the same I suppose. Makes me feel a bit guilty though but like I’ve said, it’s what I’ve been through in the past that’s affecting me now. Hope you are having a good day today.
Allsorts I hope you are managing ok in what seems like a difficult situation. Sending ❤️.
Sweetpeasue Aw, I’m so sorry you’ve been troubled in the night. Please remember that it’s always worse then and things won’t be as bad in the light hours. You sound like like you’ve been left with some trauma from what happened and you need someone to help you process it. I hope you are feeling calmer now.

Thinking of everyone on here. Take care all xx

How did it go, HVDY

Thank you for your good wishes above. all night and first thing it felt like a nightmare so I took enough extra tranx 4am to take it in my stride, which I did. Taxi omg the cost.

But I was delighted to note I got the top bloke, it took some coaxing to get chat with a surgeon but by the end of it he suggested and was happy I take a photo of his notes to show to my DocSis.

I have to go for a colonoscopy and within the 2 week you know what deadline and he said GP in December should have gone down this route, but sis disagreed as my TMI test had been clean in December. So although the 2 week thing obvs is a bit scary, it all means - quick.

No long wait for tests.
(He said we don't do CT or MRI scans unless the first test shows necessary these days, fair enough limited resources). that come after presumably.

Only hitch is that my sis then tells me I have to take someone with me for colonoscopy as sedation means supervision for some hours at home in case you fall or something. I'm hoping that DocSis will offer when I get date.

My mind hasn't caught up with events yet:

just glad its done and I think except for test which needs someone with can drive next time now I know my way to the clinic.

SweetpeaSue Hope you're feeling a bit better today. Is the cold clearing up?

Candy6 Oh I see, you're being cautious about taking the full strength in case of side effects. I hope that goes well.

Wyllow I'm so glad your appointment went so well.. Seeing the top man was good. You haven't got long to wait for your colonoscopy. I hope someone will be able to go with you.

Doodle How are you and your husband today?
Allsorts Living with someone who has BPD must be very difficult. We're all here for each other on here, to "listen" to each others' problems. Keep posting when you can.
EllieAnne, Anniebach, Whiff, ScaredyCat, how are you all today?

I did an online course, for this new job - got it done in 30 minutes instead of the 2 hours I'd been allocated (done these things so many times over the years). I then met the boss (she chose to meet in the pub), chatted and went through various forms, details about the clients I'll be going to. A nice 90 minutes! Then we went to one of the clients, chatted with her, and made a plan of what I'll help her with next week. That was it! I'll meet 3 clients on Friday.

Hi all.
Just to let you know I,m still here!!
Read all your posts- so much going on for you all and wish I could reply personally but still feel I just need to rest my mind. Does that make sense?
One bit of better news - my sister had a better day yesterday and actually took a couple of steps with a frame. Such wonderful news.
Sleep well all. Much lovexx

At no 1 sons today to do cleaning and ironing and collect gd2 from school. Because of something that happened I’m feeling a bit used because of something that happened and had to stop on the way home as I got a silent migraine and couldn’t see properly.
Glad Hvdy and Wyllow got on ok.

Ellie Anne its not good feeling used - I hope you can find a way of this not happening again (as it will make the relationship complex if it goes on). The migraine sounds awful, I've never had one.

Scaredycat I was so moved by the better sister news tho I realise its a long haul for you all.

Re-resting mind: I think its important on this thread that if we only just want to pop in for a quick hello and news that is OK.

We do not have to answer everyone unless we choose to is really important or we'll get in tangles of "oughts" and thats the last thing we all need xx

HVDY that is all very good to hear - it looks genuinely promising and nicely sociable as well in the right quantities.

Allsorts I didn't have time to read your post yesterday but just to let you know I understand what its like. My Ex had NPD but combined with bi - polar it was too much for me: however I know just how much one can love that person. Also that when they lie they forget what they've said and all that stuff, but the kind loving bits are special too. I have a friend with a lesser BPD who is very self aware and we get on well by keeping good boundaries and honesty.

Sweetpeasue and Candy koko.

Doodle I have ordered a fold up treadmill just now and one with handgrips as nowhere to hang onto otherwise. Treated myself to having it assembled as the person also shows me how to work the darned thing. Bests for you and MrD.

~~~~~~~~~~` wave to all BDs present or reading.

Allsorts I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with someone whose mood changes without you even knowing why. Is the person you are talking about on medication and if so, are they taking it?
Sweetpeasue I can understand your concern re root canal treatment. Firstly, is it a tooth you can just have taken out and not bother having replacement. If you do go through with it, ask them for a pillow to support your neck during that period, are they talking general anaesthetic? Mine and DH s we’re done with pain relief and sedative but we were not put under.
You are not alone in worrying about this sort of thing. Find out how they will do it before you decide
Candy good you are having a better day. I wonder if your antidepressants are starting to work.
We have a saying here that no one’s problem is worse than anyone else’s. We all have different issues but all can feel the same level of anxiety or panic.
Wyllow I’m so pleased you saw a consultant you have confidence in. Quick tests mean you won’t be hanging around long waiting for results. I do hope your sister will volunteer to be with you. You will need someone to keep you safe,
HVDY sounds as though your day went really well. 3 clients, will that be on three different days or do you visit them all at the same time? Hope it works out well for you.
Scaredycat thinking of you and so pleased to hear some positive news of your sister. That must make you feel better.
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you’ve been upset. People say things without realising the hurt they cause others. It’s easy to take things to heart, I’ve done it myself. Hope your migraine has gone now. Try and have an early night.
Wyylow this subject has come up on Black Dog more than once. You are quite right. There is no need to post every day or to reply to everyone if you don’t feel like it. Everyone is always welcome to pop in whenever they like and shouldn’t feel pressured to respond to everyone.
Ooh I’m pleased you are getting your treadmill. Hopefully when properly set up it will work fine.
We have just ordered a Rollator (walker I call them) for DH today as I think he needs one for walking outside. He wasn’t keen but has finally capitulated. I have ordered him a very snazzy streamlined lightweight one that hopefully will fit in the boot of the car.

Sorry post was a bit garbled. I didn’t check it before I posted.

Doodle I can understand the reluctance, but like you I feel it will actually make a great deal of difference - give confidence in being able to do at least some things outside, little walks, round shops etc.

its hard, hard, to accept, well done on gentle persuasion.

Ellie Anne didnt come across as garbled to me x

HVDY So pleased about your job, it sounds good. The meeting with your boss seemed to go really well too and good to meet and speak to one of the clients you'll be helping.
Candy I'm not familiar with all your back story but I can understand how complex relationships are with our AC. I hope your medication will work for you soon. I understand your reluctance when first starting to take something or even starting at all. I think we all have to make our own choices amd at present Im holding back but Ive taken antidepressants at times in the past and I know its an option. I hope you're coping with your own grief too.
Wyllow So pleased you saw the right consultant - its not always possible at times. It's good you can get the colonoscopy sooner though I can well understand any nerves. I hope your sis will be able to take you as you need some support and will be needing looking after.
EllieAnne I hope your migraine has now gone. I wonder what brought that on. My mum was prone to them at times and they can leave you unable to function at all.
Scaredycat So pleased that your sister has made a little progress, Ive been praying she would. I hope you will take the rest you need for your body and mind and that you will get sleep tonight.
Doodle My dh didnt want to use a stick before his hip replacements but he eventuall conceded as he knew he needed them. I hope your husband's walker will help him and restore confidence in being out and along with the treadmill help him gain strength. Look after yourself too and hope the whatiferies are not as loud and troublesome.
My dentist (cant get NHS) didnt want to do root canal and referred me to a specialist. Its the troublesome molar I had filled last June. There was cancellation, right when I had streaming cold so rang up on morning out of courtesy, to make sure the Dentist would still treat me as I looked an awful state. I could barely think straight when I got there but Id to sign for half the payment on accepting treatment. (Need to re-mortgage house!) It could be extracted but Ive not got all molars anyway so trying to keep it.

I just didnt think it would bother me until I got home and started thinking about it. Last one took 2 visits but this one will be done all at once taking 2 hrs. I started thinking my facial nerves could be damaged then led on to all sorts of trust issues. I woke in the night with breathlessness and hyperventilating as I was thinking about what happened when I was under GA in that op and I didnt know what theyd done. The rubber dam contraption that goes over tooth and covers face while its done-- - I dont want to feel out of control of my body or violated. I cant really explain but I dont understand why I cant trust. I know Im no good at explaining this. I'm just scared all of the time about Drs (as in what they might not be actually being honest about) Consequently bowels bad today. My problems seem so stupid compared to everyone here. Im sorfy about last night Ive felt silly about it. As others here have said--night times play havoc with our worries. So much going through my head.

Thinking of all here Annie, Whiff Allsorts all BD. Hope you have a peaceful night. x

Your trust issues are very understandable, Sweetpeasue.
I guess I "do" trust on a person by person basis. Professional by professional basis. As in, today was OK, but probably part of the anxiety was that I would be "dismissed', but wasn't, and will make sure I'm not.

OTOH I do trust sis - or I'd be going through the roof with a 2 week referral as thats a cancer referral but sis says very unlikely and she had in her work the same status as todays bloke. Otherwise how would I feel about GP's who decided not to make a 2 week referral?

Control of our bodies - thats a difficult one. I've always had such a healthy body except for the bowel stuff (n the background for so long that things that happen getting older do not sit comfortably.

But control of a mind - well, that's one I have had to let go of, that I have control.

but beyond doubt you need help..I hope you can find just someone you can learnt to trust, for starters.

Stress can bring it on. I don’t get the headache just visual disturbances sometimes flashing zig zags. Usually lasts 10-20 minutes. I just have to wait until it goes.

Wyllow I thank you for your insight. I like your first part of post in making sure you wouldn't be dismissed. After all youve been through with ex, I'd have thought that is such a good thing to state.
Such a good thing you have your wonderful sister's professional input.

Bowel stuff. I never had a problem until after 2020 Hysteroscopy.
The bowel problems were so extreme last March that I really wished myself dead. However, I count myself v fortunate that this is so much improved now, yet I've no idea why, unless its because of bowel adhesion being released.
Regarding trust, I feel Im completely alone.
Contraption used to hold open entry while Hysteroscopy feels in a strange way similar to mouth in dentistry. I know this sounds weird---but its all I can think caused my panic attack last night.

Late night thoughts Sweetpeasue..... its my feeling that to get control of your level of anxiety and blind awfulness panic some

take as needed tranx or sleep aids

wouldn't be the end of the world? I know you dont want to feel hooked but "as needed" may allow you to make some choices like "OK, I can tackle this or that"

you say at one point, "that this is so much improved now, yet I've no idea why". That sort of rung a bell with stuff Sis has said. There are some things they never fully understood got better/worse despite all they knew. No reason improvement cant carry on (yes, unevenly, but a lot of conditions have good and bad days.)

Morning all. What a night! DH started coughing and got completely out of breath. His temperature shot up and I wanted to call an ambulance. DH didn’t want that so I fed him paracetamol and made him use his inhalers. After about an hour things improved a bit. He’s better now. Temperature down and breathing improved but a bit low. Needless to say I stayed awake listening to him breathing so I’m shattered now.
Ellie Anne hope you are feeling better today and the migraine doesn’t come back,
Sweetpeasue I completely understand about the dentist. The rubber dam is a nightmare for me with claustrophobia and when I had my last root canal treatment I had a panic attack in the middle of it. They had to give me ice to cool down as I was sweating so much. I eventually got through it. Try telling them in advance how you feel. Ask it you can have a neck pillow to support your head and if it is possible not to be tipped so far back. There are many who don’t like this treatment so you are not alone and not making a fuss about nothing.
Wyllow I’m so glad you have your sister that you trust to advise you. Whist i can understand the worry of a two week appointment it isn’t necessarily serious just precautionary.
Hope you are feeling ok.
HVDY hope you have a good day and you too Annie

Wyllow Thanks for the suggestions of tranx. GP did prescribe a small amount of Diazapam a few mths ago but wont prescribe them on reg basis. Was reluctant in giving me them at all really but I would prefer to not take anything that might affect bowel. Its certainly making me feel unwell today, btw (diarrhoea and sickness, sorry tmi) I hope you're coping with things today ok and you slept alright once you got back to bed in early hrs.
Doodle Oh, I'm sorry about last night you would have been so worried. Poor husband did sound in a v bad way. Hes had this cough for quite a while now hasn't he but I understand your concern with high temperature too. You must both be exhausted. I hope he's been alright today. Thankyou for understanding about rubber dam thing. The molar is the v back upper one so I hope I'll not feel choked. I rang yesterday and was assured they'd stop any time.I thought root canals were always done in 2 visits but was told he nearly always does them all at once. He's Endodontist so Ive got to trust his expertise. I honestly didnt think my fear of stuff going wrong would be still affecting me like this.Must sound a right wimp.
ScaredycatHVDY Annie and all hops your day goes well.

Not a wimp, someone who got badly scared. TBH, small amount of diazepam won't make a huge difference to bowels of occasional. But there is a alternative - Sleeping tablets for JUST now and then. Zopiclone 7.5 mg is standard, there may be some newer ones. (Again, cannot recommend just mention)

Doodle oh my poor you both! Absolutely exhausting! Would you say it's totally physical in origin or a measure of panic?

Not sure what to suggest, I just wish for an old fashioned GP for him to be there and act quickly with advice, meds, reassurance, popping round. Sigh.

SweetpeaSue Your lack of trust is completely understandable (I'm the same). Re your dental work - could you take (or the dentist give you) a sedative of some type before you have it done?

Wyllow3 It's good that you've got your (qualified) sister to advise you. She must know what's what.

Doodle You and your husband must be tired today. Has his cough settled down? Is he feeling unwell?

EllieAnne Hope your silent migraine (I hadn't heard of that before) has settled down. I get migraines but haven't had one for some time, thankfully.

Anniebach Hope you're ok.

I went to the day centre - SIL didn't go, she refused to get ready, brother said, as is often the case with her - had spag bol, garlic bread, then treacle sponge & custard, coffee & Bailey's, and cake. It was a nice day. DH hasn't been to work (he went on Monday, that's all this week), is still coughing a lot every time he does anything, even walking from 1 room to another. . Hope everyone's day has been ok x

I had a nice sesh at gym today. I think I'm a bit high/shock but I'll let things settle as now sure what really feel, as I always have this delayed reaction.
Alerted my MH people and GP in order to get tweaked prescriptions make sure its all in my notes as communication is always slow and got the scan already booked, it's the colonoscopy thats the biggie not heard yet.

Wyllow DH has had slight trouble swallowing for years. He frequently coughs when taking a sip of water or coffee. Last night he was absolutely fine. Got up to use the loo and on the way back tool a sip of water. Got back into bed then coughed really badly for about 5 minutes which triggered the breathlessness. I think the high temp was probably due to his difficulty breathing. His oxygen levels were really low. He’s much better this afternoon. Temperature ok and oxygen back up. His breathing hasn’t been nearly as good since he fell and broke his ribs about 3 years ago. In fact he’s deteriorated considerably in all ways since then. Lockdown didn’t help.
HVdY for once I am not jealous of your day centre meal. I am making spaghetti bog for dinner tonight 🤣
Must be difficult with your SIL. Can’t make others do what they don’t want to even when they have dementia. My brother was the same. Hope your DH feels better soon. Has he been checked over by a doctor?
Sweetpeasue hopefully an upper molar will be easier. Mine was at the bottom and I was almost upside down whilst dentist dealt with that.