Black Dog 14

Hope you all manage to get a good day. So many reasons for our anxieties, the older I get the harder I find it to cope,with someone with BDP, whose attitude swings between being really nice and upbeat and turn on the turn of a sixpence hates you and says hateful things and lies.
I have read the last few pages and you are all trying so hard in difficult circumstances.
First day of February and I think not so long very long before Spring, was looking at all the snowdrops outside yesterday, always feel better when I get out there.

Wyllow I’m so sorry you felt so bad last night. I’m so pleased you got to speak to people who could reassure you.
CFS is an illness and you’re right you can’t fight all this at once.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing well. Thinking things through. Trying to keep going to the gym. You will get there I’m sure. Hope tomorrow goes well. Will be thinking of you and with you in spirit.
HVDY thanks. No those worries are always there.
Your poor DH. Must be awful working somewhere you’re not happy. Good thing he hasn’t got long to go now.
I’ve don’t mammoth ironing session today. That’s wiped me out. Early night I think.
Sweetpeasue don’t worry about not replying to everyone. We all have times when we don’t feel up to it. Kind words for Wyllow. Hope you are getting some relief from your pain.
Ellie Ann is your bedroom big enough for an easy chair and table so you could spend more of your time there than in the lounge? Your DH seems to have lost a lot of interest in life. Does he seem depressed?
I’m glad you get to meet people in bible study. A common interest is enough to start a conversation.
Candy it’s lovely your son rings every day. At least you know what’s going on. I hear from one of mine every week and the other whenever he thinks about it.
As I’ve said before, we all have different reasons for our anxiety but the feeling is the same so we do understand.
The antidepressant will help but it does take time.
Scaredycat and Annie thinking of you both. Hope you are ok. x

EllieAnne Your home situation sounds miserable. Do you and your husband ever actually talk together? Could you tell him you'd like the house to yourself now and then?

Candy6 I hope your ADs start working for you soon. Did your GP suggest the dosage? Perhaps you could ask advice about it.

Wyllow3 Best of luck for tomorrow. Hope all goes well.

SweetpeaSue, Anniebach, Doodle, ScaredyCat, all on BD - hope you all have a relaxing evening. I made meatballs stuffed with Mozzarella (plain for DH) in a tomato-based sauce, with spaghetti, tonight. Nice. I'm going to watch my programme soon - 24 hours in A & E, in Nottingham. Love to all x

My bedroom is my haven Ellie Anne even tho I have a small house to myself. I've always had a "Retreat" to hide in. I'm glad you have your church groups. I think what occurs to me most is how sad it is you cant talk to DH about it, but some blokes just don't have the emotional skills. Or perhaps the can of worms feels too big.

Candy its a rock and a hard place. contact is upsetting, but not having contact worse? You are doing all the right things, if things get extreme whist the anti-d's are kicking in there are other temporary drugs use as needed.

Is he ringing you everyday because he needs to or because he thinks you do? would having a slight lessening of contact enable you to focus on other things now and then?

Both people I spoke to were "not surprised I feel as I do" with the 3 fold Stuff - the Bowels, the bad CFS, the grieving the "loving but abusive DH" I've divorced. They both felt it was lovely of DiL to offer to come, and my wishing to build friendships are all OK and are of course too experienced to be thrown by my level of feelings- MH lady said ring as often as, etc.

Exercise used to be a major coping strategy but deprived of enough of that I was thinking all afternoon...
.... I really have to accept I am ill and let myself be ill becuase fighting it makes it worse in diverse ways and its rest and endure. Yes I love yoga I probably need to learn to do "less and often" at homeTomorrow btw is unlikely to sort a lot out because needing scans but we'll see.

thinking of you all Doodle and MrD and Sweetpeasue (koko) and Scaredeycat and all other BD's

Afternoon all, hope all ok.
Ellie I’m sorry you feel so low and it must be so frustrating for you because of your husband. Our homes should be a haven for us in which to feel safe and comfortable and im sorry you haven’t got your own space in which to do so. At least you have your own interests but I realise this may not be enough to sustain your happiness. I hope you have heard from your daughter to at least ease your anxiety a little. Thinking of you.
Wyllow sorry your mood is low. It’s so hard sometimes to know how to ease it. Exercise helps me and I don’t always feel like doing it so have to really push myself, I hope your yoga helps you. It’s comforting to know these feelings may ease. I do have regular counselling and have tried EMDR. This has helped a bit but I still find it difficult. My counsellor says the more I see him the better I’ll be but I’m not so sure. Thank you for your kindness.
Doodle yes we do FaceTime and he rings every day bless him. It’s very odd because it’s not about seeing him as such it’s about having him around. I’m not constantly worried about his welfare as such but maybe subconsciously I am. Who knows? It feels complicated. I’m sorry you are still suffering your whatiferies. It would be so nice to just wave a magic wand and make these things disappear for us all. It really would.
Wyllow I’m sorry for your distress. I hope it has eased for you. I hope you got your call from the team and that your counsellor has helped you too.
HVDY no, as I mentioned above? It’s not really about safety, just an odd complicated one. I’m increasing my AD’s very gradually to try and avoid nasty side effects. Trouble is then, they take longer to work do will just have to persevere for now. I’m glad the weather has been good for you and you got your laundry done. I feel for your husband too, it’s horrible to be in a job you don’t like.
Love to everyone else and hope you’re evening goes well. Take care all xx

There is a room where he uses his laptop and radio so it wouldn’t be mine. My bedroom is better because he never comes in there.
He has a few friends he used to play golf with but he has cancelled his membership because it’s expensive and he wasn’t fit enough to play often. They don’t meet up apart from golf. He had no other interests. Just does the crossword reads paper watches the same tv programs every day( news bargain hunt repair shop pointless., more news etc.
bible study is a chance to meet people in a smaller group so get to know them better and learn something too.
I’ve had my everything s ok face on this morning for my Tuesday group.

Sorry can't reply to all but read your messages. Hope you all have a decent day..

Wyllow So sorry about your despairing feelings. Dont rule out the counselling as of being no help just yet. Better someone to speak to and get some emotion out than no one. You are going through a lot all at once. Youll feel brtter when you get tomorrow over with, I'm sure. Wish I knew what to say. Everything I think of can sound trite wben youre feeling crap. The 'this too will pass' is true but doesnt help the now. Just know Im thinking of you and willing you on. You're a v brave lady. You have already come so far. Much love. x

Candy6 Feeling so anxious/sad when your son isn't around must be difficult. I remember some years ago, the sight of my son (both of them, individually) going off to work each day, used to make me cry a lot. I wonder if it's a subconscious worry about something happening to them? Remember, it's still early days on the antidepressants. Perhaps the dose needs to be increased though?

Wyllow I'm sorry you're feeling like that. Keep remembering that your family and friends (including those of us on here) all care about you. These anxieties in the middle of the night always seem worse, when everyone else seems to be asleep. I hope you get a call back soon. Let us know?

EllieAnne How miserable for you. Is there a spare room you could turn into a place for you and your things? Your husband surely can't be happy with just sitting indoors all the time for weeks. Has he got any friends?

Doodle The anxieties about family never really go away. do they? If it's not our children, it's their children. I hope you have a better day today.

SweetpeaSue Hope you feel better soon.

Anniebach How are things with you?

Whiff, Joce, all on BD - Hope you all manage to have adecent day.

It's bright, sunny, and very windy here, so I've got bedding and towels on the line. DH hasn't gone to work today - he hates it and the management is awful. I wish he could retire early (he's got 14 months to go). Son is in the office today, so I'm going to make a Paella later.

Woke up in the night and this morning with the "its all too much/can't go on like this/life not worth living feelings was repressing yesterday and thought "this has gone too far" so rung my MH people for the specific person who said, "you can always ring", so hoping for call back. tho I have counselling today its a different "ball game". I did say tomorrow is a trigger and what it was to receptionist so here's hoping for call-back later..
I hit the wrong day - its their weekly team meeting Tuesday mornings!

Doodle sorry to hear of the anxieties at that strong level. whatever it is, lots of support xxx

No, I'm not fit - CFS. But I do put high priority on the gym for its well being and natters..

HVDY ooh I love a roast. Shame about your trousers.
Sweetpeasue sorry you aren’t feeling well. Hope you feel better soon.
Candy glad you had a good sleep. It always helps.
I’m sorry it affects you so much when your son leaves. It must be hard, wanting to see him and be with him then dreading him leaving. Do you Face time at all?
I’m still not settled, thanks for asking, still got worries in the background. Nothing I know for certain just anxieties.
Glad you liked the prayer. Not everyone on this thread has faith so I hope I didn’t offend anyone. We must all follow our own path.
Ellie Anne so sorry you feel down, you post mirrors my thoughts. Not hearing from someone and imagining the worst. That’s what my whatiferies are about. Do you attend bible study every week. I’ve never done that. Is it helpful?
Wyllow I used the treadmill today but only for 5 minutes. My legs ache.
You must be quite fit going to the gym as often as you do. Also good for your mental health to exercise I think.
Hope all have a good night.

I mainly do yoga HVDY because you can tone just about any part of the body with it, but in this cold weather have used the treadmill. And..OK, I admit, the two that "do" the bum and inner thighs. Mood is really bad underneath but am distracting as its the best way to get through atm.

Cindy I still get the "push-pull" of warmth in seeing DS and family and the loss or anger afterwards. Anger, you ask? Well, its part of loss, isnt it? but for the first 8 ish years 2002 onwards my reaction was very poorly indeed - suicidal but keeping my distance from DS and DiL wanting them not to know how I was. did quite a lot of therapy and its better now and partly thats becuase I have grandchildren and -how to put it....a bit of being a mum comes back with it. So yes, feelings can go very deep when they are what really is an "ill" reaction. But they dont stay the same.

And I think its good that you keep seeing him and keep facing the feelings each time, too.

And counting small blessings gets out of reach at times. But its normal for MH difficulties, I've come to accept this, just to work on being the wellest I can. I just would say if you feel inclined, counselling or therapy might help.

Sweetpeasue sounds like a really nasty lurgy...no you can't go tomorrow unless it clears up! Stay warm and dosed up.

I’m so down tonight. Dh has not been out for weeks apart from his 10 min walk to get paper. He sits I front of tv and falls asleep. I was out all morning some of afternoon and bible study tonight. I just want some time in my home without stress .
Now I’m sitting on my bed watching something on my iPad.
My dd hasn’t phoned me this weekend so I’m imagining all sorts.I try not to phone in case she is working or too tired.
Hope your appointment goes well Wyllow.
Thinking of you too scaredy-cat, and your sister.
So many worries, so much unhappiness in our little group.

Hi all, I hope you’ve all had as good a day as possible. I didn’t post yesterday as I was shattered and felt very wobbly mentally so went to bed early and thankfully got a good nights sleep which did me good.
Wyllow I noticed in your post the other day that you said when your son left, it had a profound effect on you. I feel this way too and others have dismissed it as “just empty nest syndrome” it’s far more than this and it was so frustrating that no one really understood so thank you for “getting it”. I hope you have found someone to accompany you to your appointment on Wednesday but if not that I hope you will be ok. We often end up facing these challenges far better than we think and somehow summon up the strength to do it and I sincerely hope you do too.
HVDY I get to see my son quite often to be honest - every few months at least. Thing is, it doesn’t really make any difference as it seems to be the fact that he’s not here? It’s a strange thing and in fact, when I do see him, it makes me worse as I have to go through the separation thing all over again. It settles after a few days but then I still have other demons to deal with, as do lots of us. I know I’m lucky in lots of ways but don’t always feel like it. I’m sorry for the mishaps you’ve had earlier today and hope it’s got better for you.
Doodle I hope you feel better now and your “what-ifs” have settled. Thank you for the lovely prayer you shared. I’m not hugely religious but I do believe and it was something I could definitely relate to. I hope you’ve recovered from what has been a busy day.
Thinking of those not mentioned above and I hope all are ok. Sleep well.

Sorry all. Come down with heavy cold, headache eyes streaming ect. May need to cancel long journey to endodontist tomorrow. Oh dear. Love to all and hope you all have a peaceful night. x

Wyllow3 What's your favourite bit of equipment at the gym? I used to like the rowing machine.

ScaredyCat Have a good rest.

Doodle The trousers are ruined but never mind. You did a lot of heavy work today. I cooked a roast (beef) dinner for us all tonight - both sons and eldest GD were here. I struggle with timings now, so DH helped .

I hope all on BD have been ok today x

Ellie Anne what a kind person you are to be thinking about that woman who has caused you so much upset yet be concerned she is lonely. That’s so nice of you.
I hope she does meet up with the other person she upset and listens to their point of view.
Joce glad the prayer was of some comfort. Hope you are ok.
Annie how have you been over the weekend.
Sweetpeasue hope you get to see your son soon.
Take care all

I’m exhausted! Went and did shopping on my own as DH has bad back. Found a 12 pice set of crockery at half price so carried that back to the car. Then did a big heavy shop. Brought it all home and unpacked it them did 5 minutes on the treadmill. My legs don’t feel as though they belong to me 🤣
HVDY hope your DGD is getting on ok with her dad. Hope things settle down with her mum soon.
That would be a big relief about the bullying. I hate to hear of kids being bullied it has such a bad effect on them.
If you’ve got any energy to spare can you come round and help me do some cleaning.
Oh dear not a good start for you. Hope the dye washes out of your trousers.
Wyllow glad the shop were able to get your printer sorted in the end. Yes fingers all crossed for Wednesday. Have you written down all the questions you want to ask so you’ve got something to check against. DH always finds it helpful.
Scaredycat not surprised you’re tired. Hope things are improving with your dear sis and GGS.

Aw Scaredeycat take care now.

Took 1.5 hours to sort my printer out at the shop felt totally dun in but sorted and backlog printing done. Had a very low crash later but just been practical: want Wednesday to be over and a good outcome!

Thinking of you all. Still sooo tired. Sleep well dear friendsxx

Went to collect replacement printer, 6 month saga, shop excellent in the end, was there for 1.5 hours, essential printing - later- short time at gym round the corner, phew and zzz time. Nice it's sunny.

What a to-do, HVDY !!!!.

My day is going a bit awkward - I drove to Asda, parked, and went into the shop. Realised I'd left my purse at home. Went back for it, all ok. Back home, I put a colour on my hair, painted my nails a new colour, and my 'phone rang. By the time I got to it, it had stopped ringing, but my (still wet) nails were all smudged and I'd dripped hair dye onto my new trousers. Bugger.

You are right hvdy. I would also want someone else there if I spoke to her.
I’ve done some housework the weekly shop which goes up every week and this afternoon I am going for a walk.

SweetpeaSue You must have been so disappointed not to have seen your son, hope it won't be long before you see him next. GD and her mother are always falling out. It isn't helped by the mum swearing and name-calling.

Doodle Thanks. I think the bullying has stopped (I get to hear things 3rd-hand but GD yesterday said things are ok)

ElieAnne If the lady is lonely, it's of her own making. Someone probably needs to tell her that her behaviour is not conducive to friendship.

How is everyone this morning? It's bright and sunny, so I've changed my bed, had the washer on and hoovered the bedrooms. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x