Black Dog 14

Hi all, late post today as I’ve been in London to see my son and just on the train home. I’m so sad when I leave him and it’s so intense. It shouldn’t be, but it is and always always feels like the bottom has dropped out of my world. I’ve got so much to be grateful for, ie that he’s ok, got a good life etc. but my counsellor suggests it’s some type of attachment syndrome due to what I’ve been through with him and we’re working on it buts it’s hard. Sorry to moan as I realise others have far worse problems than mine and that saddens me too.
Scaredycat my grandson doesn’t swim yet, he’s on a waiting list for lessons. I have a feeling he’ll be so much better than me 😂. I hope your worries have eased a little now your sister is getting some help at least. Still thinking about you regarding everything else and hope your AF becomes more manageable. I’m sorry too that it’s all exhausted you, I hope a good rest helps you recover.
HVDY I’ll bet your grand-daughter brings you so much pleasure and yes, they grow up very quickly. Glad you found some trainers and good luck with your new job on Wednesday.
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry you are feeling so low. It’s so difficult when we have these off days. Glad you pushed through and went for a walk though. You sound like you live by the sea which must be some therapy in itself. Hope you are feeling better today.
Annie sorry about your arthritis and I hope your wheelchair and internet are sorted very soon.

Wyllow hope you have a better energy day today.
Doodle yes my grandson does like Lego but never really been into cars. He’s into football and plays in a local team so I support him there - freezing most of the time on the sidelines! Sorry you were unable to learn to swim. I don’t like it much but I’m hoping I will when I improve.
Hope everyone has a good evening. Love to all including those not mentioned above xx

HVDY Hope your day has been OK.
So, change of plan about starting job Monday. Hope it doesn't put any other plans awry for you. Went to supermarket and Costa. Auntie rang upset this afternoon so went round. She's fine now, think she does get lonely. I'm sure youll have met lots of people in your work who are the same.
Scaredycat Please dont apologise for feeling so bad. Youve so much to deal with. Ive looked up AF as I dont really know much about it. I hope you were reassured when you went to GP earlier and your meds are ok. It looks as if the AF can come and go sporadically and sometimes decide to stay for longer periods then go again. The not knowing how long it stays around must be worrying for you and you are finding it scary while it's there too. Just take all the rest you need and don't worry about posting here. I hope your weekend next week won't be as busy as you anticipate and you can find a distraction from that pesky AF. Take care of yourself and sending you a hug from me. x

Hello all.
Just caught up with your posts.
Feeling very tired still no AF let up. All the worries of the last few weeks have exhausted me and I have a busy weekend coming up next week. I,m so sorry to moan when you all have so much to deal with but I need to rest a bit over the next few days so I can cope with it all. I,ll pop in every day to see how you all are.
Love to allxxxx

How is everyone this morning?

Wyllow hope you've had a good rest.
SweetpeaSue I hope your next solicitor will be able to help.
Anniebach Are you on effective painkillers? I hope you managed to have a decent sleep.
Doodle What a lovely hobby to have. I ought to try something like that - I liked Art at school.
ScaredyCat I hope you're ok and that your sister is getting on alright now, now that the heart problem is being dealt with. Best wishes to your GGS. I hope things go well with him.
Candy6 You seem to keep busy. That's good.
EllieAnne Hope you're ok today.

I'm now going to start the new job on Wednesday. The lady emailed me, said she had a "family emergency" and couldn't start me on Monday (she will introduce me to the customers/clients). That's ok anyway. Hope everyone manages to have a decent day x

Evening all. For some reason I have a bad back tonight, not the treadmill as I haven’t been on it. It’s not bad just aching a lot.
Ellie Anne 7.5 miles is amazing. If I do 1 ½ that’s about my max these days. Well done. I’m sure the wildlife is good for us being out in nature. Hope you are pleased with your haircut.
Wyllow new glasses seem to be fine just a matter of getting used to them now but DH likes them.
Sounds like you had a good day yesterday. Nice to chat to people about things at the gym and then a friendly hairdresser too. Glad you’ve got your sister to talk to.
You had a full on day yesterday perhaps that’s why you don’t have much energy today. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will restore you.
Sweetpeasue I’m sure there must be a mobile hairdresser near you. Why don’t you try one if you can’t go to a shop.
Glad the counselling helps. If you can’t change everything you want to could you change some small things to improve how you feel. Hope the next solicitor is more helpful than the others.
I am a crafty person but one with no talent 🤣. I love making things and doing things but am hopeless at drawing and have no sense of style. I don’t let those things put me off though and have churned out the most amazing pieces in the past……..amazing because of their awfulness 🤣. It makes me happy and my friend and I have a laugh as we’re doing stuff.
HVDY yes we enjoy our artistic crafts. We paint bottles with acrylic paint. Yesterday we did watercolour using watercolour pens and painting stencils. Paint pebbles and anything we can lay our hands on.
Good thing your DH is having a chest X-ray. 3 months of coughing is a long time. If there is any infection there the X-ray should pick it up. Hope they can help him to feel better soon.
The black trainers should be good for your new job. Hope they’re comfy.
Candy what a lovely relationship you must have with your little grandson. No wonder he likes being with you. Do you play games with him like Lego or cars? That’s what I used to do with mine. Hope your son is feeling better soon.
You seem to lead an active life which is good and pets are such good company too. Swimming is a good exercise. Wish I’d taken that up when I was younger but my asthma couldn’t cope with the pressure of the water or the smell of the chlorine in the pools.
Scaredycat are there any new art classes you could join locally now that things have opened up again after Covid?
Hoping there is nothing seriously wrong with your GGS. It must be a worry for you all.
Looks like they have found a problem with your sister’s heart so may be able to target this with more specific meds too. Still praying for her and your GGS.
With all that’s going on at the moment it’s not surprising your AF is playing up. Hope you manage to rest a bit this weekend and things settle down a bit,
Annie sorry about your hands I know they are so twisted and painful it must be hard for you to do anything with them. Annoying when posts won’t post properly. Take care x
Joane I remember you as Lavender too. That was a while ago. Nice to hear from you.

Annie Sorry, I nearly missed you there. Those internet Gremlins have followed you there and must be so annoying. You've persevered with your poor hands and still not been able to get your messages out. Hope you can find some relief from your pain soon. Is it possible to get more pain relief medication when it's worse than usual? Dont suffer in silence Annie. Hope you have a comfortable night. x

Wyllow Sorry your energy is low today. Hope you have a good refreshing sleep tonight and wake up feeling stronger. X

Hi all, a very low energy day today, too tired to post, highlight was chat with Docsis sister but that took the people energy out of me. I wrote a briefing for colorectal clinic next week and will run it past Docsis. Must order treadmill, total inactivity not good and can manage 30 ins walk at home. (Don't like going out for walks on my own). But OK.

Sending love and general waves of encouragement.

Hi all x

Have posted twice, nothing, fingers very painful, arthritis playing up

Much love x

Joanne Im not sure if I remember you. Hi. Hope your day has been ok.
HVDY Glad youve got your trainers. They should be more comfortable than shoes I should think, so, youre all set for Monday. I hope you get your husband's x-ray results soon. He must be weary of this cough after so long.
Scaredycat I do hope the new medication will help your sister. It's good that they have located one of her problems and it can be dealt with. I know you will be anxious for her and it will be a lot better for her and her DH when she can come home. I'm so sorry about the AF. You are doing everything you can by keeping up a walk as it does help in alleviating anxiety, however slow a pace. I dont always feel like it but Ive pushed myself out today. I'm v sorry about your DGGS. I hope his scans come through soon. Its so worrying waiting for these things. Your family are having a tough time lately.
Wyllow I hope you're OK today. I used to go out to a hairdresser for a couple of yrs but started to feel anxious about going back again after lockdown. Not about catching Covid- just about being amongst others and feeling self-conscious. I can understand you feeling comfortable in a smaller, familiar setup. I do need to bite the bullet and do something.
Doodle I hope your ok today and your husband. You must be quite a 'crafty' person with being able to paint and do your other sewing and knitting. I can't draw at all.
Candy Hope youre ok today. My grandson is also 7. I hope you're getting used to the Sertraline now. I dont know how long that takes to have an effect.
Annie Do tell us when you have your wheelchair available.
EllieAnne Herons are lovely birds aren't they, the way they can keep so still, they can easily be missed. I'm so like yourself when Ive been at hairdressers. I try and avoid my reflection as much as possible so being made to sit in front of a mirror makes me extremely anxious. I hope you're happy with your cut today.

Sorry, but I'm still very low I just feel like Im sinking. I did go out for a walk this afternoon though. Hardly any breeze and bright sky with lots of breaking white waves. Hope everyone is ok that's not posted here. x

EllieAnne glad you slept better. Wine is good .

Candy6 How lovely to have your grandson so much. He must really love seeing you. We must treasure those young years, they don't last long enough. Our 11 year old is now getting quite grown-up, but she still likes a cuddle

ScaredyCat You still got out walking, even though it was a bit slower, so well done. DH has had a dry, unproductive cough, for 3-4 months (no cold in all that time) which is no better. The GP suspects COPD. He had the x-ray, will get the results when he sees the GP in 2 weeks.

How has everyone been today? I bought some black trainers, so they'll be ok. Hope everyone has a pleasant evening x

Candy- does your little grandson like to swim too? So glad you have him to spend time with - they grow up so quickly.
Thank you for your kind words x

Hello all
Joanne- hello and welcome back. I think I remember when you were Lavender!,
Doodle- what a lovely afternoon- painting with someone else is really companionable.I miss my Art Classes - used to go twice a week. Have done Life Drawing via What’s App since Covid.
Yes poor little Boy- it is going to be a tough time for him but just hope the scan results are kind. Such a worry for my Grandaughter and husband.
My sisters scan showed her heart is not functioning 100 per cent due to some of her current problems. She has medication to help-;let’s hope it does.
Sorry DH is a bit wobbly - not always easy adjusting meds is it.
Thank you for the hug - it was much needed
EllieAnne- great walk and so many nice birds to watch too.
Sometimes you just need a glass or 2 - glad you slept well.
Wyllow- I,ve always tried hard not to say the words “It,s not fair” but you are right sometimes it just isn’t!
So glad you had a good day yesterday - it’s worth a PJ day today.. Love my hairdresser too-DD and I have been with him about 25 years!
SweetPeaSue- I,m sure there,ll be a nice friendly home hairdresser near to you. A fresh haircut makes you feel so much better- new hair/new start. I know it’s not that simple but it really does help and you get the added bonus of a therapeutic chat!!
HVDY- Thank you for your kind thoughts. Walked this morning but still constant AF so much slower than normal. But a Costa on the way helped..
Your Day Centre excelled itself with that meal - Will you still be able to go once you start work?
Hope the chest X-ray goes well . Did DH have that awful cold so many had near Xmas? My DH did and is still coughing.
Annie- wonder if today is your wheelchair debut.
Love to allxx

Afternoon all, hope everyone is ok.
HVDY yes I’m hoping the Sertraline gives me a boost 🤞. My grandson is 7 and I’ve had a high input with him as I’ve looked after home for 2 days a week since be was 8 months old. He still loves coming to us so I’m grateful for that. Your trip to the day centre sounded fab and I hope you found some suitable work shoes.
Scaredycat I’m sorry for the worries you have with your grandson and sister. I really hope both have positive outcomes. I do understand the stress that health conditions can bring but all we can do is try to remain positive and understand that we can cope with what comes at us, however unpleasant. I hope your grandson gets good news and your sister too.
Sweetpeasue yes it has been a worry with my son, but thankfully he has a good team around him now and he’s doing well. There’s always that worry in the background but I try to push that back and keep 🤞 he’ll be ok.
Doodle your afternoon sounded lovely. I wish I was creative. My grandson is a joy. He’s 7 now and I don’t think my daughter will have any more (another story!) so I’m relishing him. I do have interests. I like walking and being out in nature. I have a lovely dog who comes with me and I love him to bits. I go to the gym too - out of necessity more than enjoyment though. I’m also going to have lessons to improve my swimming as I think it’s a good exercise as you get older. I’m quite a busy person but a lot of what I do is to keep busy to stave away the demons.
Wyllow I’m glad you had a good day yesterday, it gives us such a boost. The fact that you had a good sleep probably helped a lot and I hope you managed the same last night and nothing raised its demonic head.
Ellie Anne your walk sounded lovely, as did the wine 🍷

Love to everyone not mentioned above and I hope you all have a good day xxxx

I did sleep better but that might have been the wine.
We saw a heron , lots of ducks and some very tame robins. It was frosty and bright.
Today am at hairdressers. I don’t enjoy it but it needs done . I take a book and try not to look in the mirror.
Hope everyone manages to have a good day.

ScaredyCat You've had such a lot to worry about, it's no wonder your AF is bad again. Whatever this new worry is, I hope the scans are ok and that things can be dealt with. I hope your sister settles soon and sleeps better. (can the doctors give her anything to help?) Keep on walking, as Annie says.

SweetpeaSue I hope you're getting on ok and that the pain has gone. As Wyllow says, it feel good to have a haircut. There might be some mobile hairdressers nearby.

Wyllow You must have been tired to have had such a good sleep! I'm so glad you had such a good day. I hope today is good for you, too.

Candy I'm sorry to hear about your son. No matter how grown-up they are, we still worry about our children. I hope things improve for him.

Doolde You had a nice time with your friend. What kind of paints do you use? What do you like to paint? I hope the change in your husband's meds make a difference to him soon. How's he getting on with the new glasses?

EllieAnne Thaat's a long walk. Well done. Did it make you sleep better?

Anniebach How are things with you? Have you been able to see any other residents?

I'm taking DH for his chest x-ray this afternoon. His cough is no better, after 3 months. The GP suspects COPD, although he hasn't got any other symptom to fit that. Hope evryone has a decent day x

Glad it cheered, Sweetpeasue. I think most counselling produces a mixed reaction as there can be both reassurance but also things that leave one a-pondering.

No, I don't have a home hairdresser, but I have know her for over 11 years. My gym (as in familiar and safe place of maybe 6 places) used to have a hairdresser in so started there and I moved with her and its now "on my way home" situation wise and I book on a quiet day, just 2 hairdressers in today, cuppa T and bikkie provided so in comfort zone. Used to HATE hairdressers before her.

Ooo, please promise to try and get a home haircut. Every little helps.

EllieAnne Oooh! That's a long way to walk. Brilliant stuff. We once did 8 mls but that was 20 yrs ago. And my knees were really done in. I hope you saw some lovely things on your beautiful walk. You should feel proud.
Sleep well.
*Wyllow *Your post was v cheering for me. Im so pleased you had such a good day--I know it doesn't mean tomorrow will be the same, but good for today. I really need a proper hair cut(no haircut by hairdresser for 3 yrs now due to my inability to go into public hairdresser). Sounds like yours was in home. I think I need mobile hairdresser too. Saw councillor today and always feel better afterwards, then feel worse as I feel I cant change as I want to change. I cant let go of legal stuff so think Ill try another tomorrow.
Hope you have good sleep.

Scaredycat it never rains but it pours. Hoping that the tests for GGS are as benign as possible. Its so hard knowing that your sis is suffering - and that the reality of care isn’t as high as you would want for N and D - hoping the results are soon.

I’m glad you went for the walk: difficult to get out, but knowing that it helps the AF even just a bit…but some days one thinks why should I have to, its NOT fair.

Never a need to apologise, Sweetpeasue. I do get the feeling that you need to let the impulse to try and get redress run until it reaches either a conclusion or a totally dead end.

My only main concern is if it stops you finding whatever healing is possible for your situation. Maybe if the next consultants visit points in useful directions you may feel differently - but have to see x

Cindy I’m just glad as you are that there are standby meds for nights if necessary - and the wisedom to know when to use (which is always a careful balance, itsn’t it -but they wouldn’t give us the option is we weren’t trusted!)

Yes - loss churns up a great deal and particularly of you are vulnerable and there is an unbearable unresolved history.

What has struck me over time is that trauma or triggers never surface conveniently at a time we can deal with them!
Bitterness is a very mixed blessing. It can prod into necessary action, but can eat you up too and crush any good things that happen concurrently. Hope the meds kick in soon. I’m not familiar with Sertraline. I’m so glad you have the comfort of Grandson.

Oh my, HVDY the food you get at the day centre - they really push the boat out! I hope you enjoy your new job.

Hi to Joanne and good to meet you.

Doodle great afternoon there. It would be so good if the re-balancing reduces the RLS. That would make so much difference. How have the new glasses gone down?

Yay Ellie Anne amazing achievement!

I had the best day for some time. Accidentally too…I slept well…..so well…. through the alarm and was woken by the cleaner ringing my mobile which I keep next to my pillow at the front door. She laughed at the sight of old nightie and hair looking like…but in the end we had a good natter once I’d got 2 coffees down me. I had a hairdresser at 1pm and feeling cheered went to the gym in between, where a lady asked me a bout yoga quite a bit on the mat and it was good to share. Hairdresser well I’ve know her for years and she knows all about Ex and abuse and so on but we had a laugh about troubles and joys. Then I had a sleep and dint wake up depressed as per just very tired.

So lets see what the overnight subconscious does, but I’m pretty sure tomorrow will be a dressing gown day except for my annual GP MOT, (just a nurse) which I may ring to postpone as had all the tests recently for bowel stuff.

Too much 🍷 but I did walk 7.5 miles!

Joane thanks for popping in nice to hear from you.
Sweetpeasue DH is ok thanks but very wobbly today. He is increasing one medicine with a view to reducing another. It’s a bit of a balancing act and balancing as you know is not his strong point 🤣
Wyllow I hope you have had a better day. Did you sleep ok last night?
Annie have you been in your wheelchair yet?
Take care all

Evening all. Had a lovely afternoon painting with my friend. Having a natter and indulging in a delicious cake. Yummy.
Candy new meds do take a while to start having effect so don’t give up. I’m sorry your son has been so unwell it must be so worrying for you. We hate it when our children /grandchildren have a problem. I hope he is getting good care and is doing well.
Glad you have a grandson to cheer you up. Do you have any outside interests yourself or hobbies?
HVDY envy you your roast beef but not the pudding. I don’t like white chocolate I like the dark bitter stuff. I do hope the new job works out well and I’m sure you’ll be an asset to whoever you work for.
Oh Sacredycat it never rains but it pours. I’m so sorry. On top of worrying about your sister you now have this new anxiety. I hope whatever it is the outcome of the scans is good and he will be fine but what a worry for you.
It doesn’t feel right when it’s the younger generations does it.
We always found there were some good hospital staff and some not so good. Hope the news of your sisters scans comes soon and they are ok.
Sending you a hug because I think you need it. x

Wyllow- so sorry I missed you out. I have to write things down and you were over the page!! Hope you slept better last night. 3.30 is a lonely place isn’t it. Sorry you felt so awful but I think you really do sound stronger.
Hope you got to the gym today- company is very healing and physical exercise too.
Friendly Wave back 👋

Doodle How are you and DH? I'm sorry you didn't sleep well last night. I think its probably better to read a book than look at a screen if can't sleep though I dont follow that myself. Is your husband any better with his RBS, I hope hes getting a bit more sleep and the change in med dosage has helped. Thankyou for your supporting words. I feel guilty about my rants. Never had hypnotherapy.
HVDY That day centre does seem to do lovely meals. You must have got to know others there now and it must feel nice to know you are helping others like your sil by chatting and just being there. Im sure some will look out for you as you strike me as being so easygoing with a friendly nature and warm sense of humour. Good luck with the 'work shoes' shop.
Candy It must be so hard having a son with ongoing health issues and the feelings you're having now with fear of loss surfacing because of recent bereavement. Many things we fear dont actually happen but that doesn't stop the worry. Im sorry youve had to face problems with your son's initial health care. You are right in that whatever we decide its not easy. I hope your Sertraline is effective for you. I once took Prozac which had a bad affect too-I felt sick and v dizzy with confusion. Hope you enjoyed seeing your little DGS today. They can be very amusing and funny.
Scaredycat When I see how much your having to cope with, your AF and poorly sister, I dont believe I qualify for title of 'brave kind lady' at all. You have been incredibly brave in your life to go through so much and you continue to be so. I'm v saddened to hear your sister is unsettled, tearful and not sleeping. I know you believe in power of prayer so I will pray for comfort and peace for your sister and for her healing. I hope you sleep tonight and the awful AF settles and you have longer spells without it.
Annie I hope youve had not too bad a day. I wondered about the hoist too as I wasnt sure you'd get into your wheelchair without it. Hope the darned TV is soon up and running for you.

Wyllow, Whiff EllieAnne, Joce, Nanny. all others BD. Hope youre all ok.

*

Just calling in to wish you all a peaceful nights sleep. You are so kind and helpful to each other.
Annie I hope everything gets sorted out quickly now for you, you have waited long enough xx
Lavender (Megan) (everytime the internet went down I had to re-register, hence all the names!)