Black Dog 15

HVDY Im so sorry. Im past myself tonight. I cant keep taking the painkiller as its constipating. But even counteracting it with laxatives and giving myself diarrhea, I still can't go properly there's no relief from even diarrhea. It doesnt make sense. Oh dear. Just having a bit of a meltdown. I'll be ok. Just thankyou for being there. Im sorry. Just past myself. I dont understand who Im meant to see with this. It will pass (ha! right expression eh?) I know the pain will pass. Im so sorry
Mentally I just lose it like this. I'll be okThankyou for being there. Xxxx

SweetpeaSue I don't know how you can keep on like this. Are you keeping a diary of what you eat, and also when the pain and bowel movements are problematic? It would help, I think, for you to keep a written record of everything, to show someone when you next get seen by a doctor. I wish there was some way I could help you x

Doodle I've looked at an online benefits calculator, and because DH gets £941 a quarter from a private pension, we're not entitled to anything. Son2 had paid us £300 a month, but he'll be gone next month, when his house purchase goes through. I'll be looking at PIP (I get the lower rate) for DH once he's had a hospital diagnosis, then he can leave his job. I'm going to sort it . Thank you. I hope you poor DH gets some relief from his pain/irritation tonight. x

Doodle Yes, there is let up for a few hrs or half a day. Its this pressure against rectum and really wanting to go thats terrible. This urgency yet not constipation.
I dont seem to be able to make myself understood. I can't stand it. The pain and pressure. Its tmi to describe. I cant believe that no one can help this. My appt for scan Sat. Bur last yr never showed anything so I dont think this will. I just dont know what to do. I cant help suspecting last consultant hasnt been upfront as he didnt tell truth about the nunmber of cysts on tube plus doesnt make sense about leaving me with abnormal thickness of endometrium when scan said it was even thicker than it was for 1st Hysteroscopy. First time abnormal thickness of 6mm thinned afyer D&C to 4mm. Scan before op in Sept showed 8 and he said when he went in it was too thin and had a problem even taking enough for biopsy. The scans dont lie. It doesn't add up. But the problems now are really leaving me in despair. Yousee, I shouldnt have said anything. Havent seen counsellor for 3 weeks and she cancelled this week only this afternoon. But she cant help me. Ive no one to talk to. Im trying to get appt with my GP who will be thete on Thursday. I need F2F to have all this out with husband there. Not sure if I will get it though. I'm so sorry for taking up everyones time. Its all spilling out as I dont have anyone. DH has own problems and cant help hes frustrated. So sorry everyone.

Wyllow yes I have made an appointment with a neurologist in two weeks time. I’m very much hoping they can help.
Last night was some bad some good. Slept for a couple of hours then DH had really bad irritation across his shoulders so he sat an a chair for a couple of hours with a cold pack on his back. Eventually the sensation wore off enough for us to go back to bed then we slept.
That’s a lot of birthdays in a short time. We have a couple of clusters during the year but not that many.
I do hope they let you continue with your psychologist. You obviously get on with her and that helps.
HVDY have you talked to anyone who can advise about finances with your DH not being able to work? How are the people he works for reacting, are they any help?
Glad you are having a break and going for lunch with a friend.
Glad the ankles are improving. DH’s are very swollen. I think it’s related to the medication he’s taking as that’s one of the side effects as it weight gain.
Sweetpeasue yes appointment in 2 weeks. Hope we can manage till then. As you say, March tomorrow. March 1st was my Dads birthday. Being Welsh he liked the fact it was in St David’s day.
Sorry about the pain. Is there really no let up. Still praying for a better night for you.
Scaredycat I am so pleased your DGD has improved with antidepressants. Sometimes it seems a long road but they’ve certainly helped me in times past. Hope all goes well for your DHs appointment on Thursday. Is it in a local hospital?
Hope your sister is doing ok.
Have a good night all on BD x

Doodle Ive just read back your yesterdays post and realised youd said appt was in 2 weeks. So sorry, I'd missed that. I'm sure that cant come quick enough for you both. I really hope you dont have too many awful nights before then. Having the appt lined up will hopefully give you both something to keep you going. x

Doodle Thank goodness you've got an appointment lined up. I hope you and DH will get some help. Hope you both have some better nights until then, at least.

Wyllow I'm glad yourZoom session went well. You've got a lot of birthdays coming up. It's Son2's b'day next Monday - 39! Where do the years go?

SweetpeaSue Sorry you're still having all the pain. Hope you get some rest tonight.

It hasn't been too bad a day here. My ankles are slightly better. Still swollen but not like they were. The rash is still there, but I was told it'll take weeks to go, so no bother. DH went to see his friend for a couple of hours this afternoon, so that was good for him. Hope all BDers have a restful night x

Doodle Hope you and your husband are ok. Been thinking of you both today and hoping it won't be too long before your neurology app. Do hope you managed to get a more restful night last night.
Scaredycat Really cold and raining, mist ect here today. March tomorrow! Maybe it will herald more spring like weather. 🙂 No walks for us today. Good luck with appt for DH on Thursday.
HVDY Glad you managed to get out with your friend today. Its good to have something to distract us when you're having such a difficult time.
NadateturbeWyllow*EllieAnne*Candy*Whiff and all. Hope youre all coping.
Sorry not included everyone. No let up with everything painwise and feeling despairing so thought best to not say too much. Nothing anyone can do. I will ne tok depressing but thinking of you all. X

EllieAnne- I do think the time has come for you to try and get some counselling. Also maybe see the GP - one of my Grandaughters was getting terribly depressed a couple of months ago we were all so worried about her. She has lovely children and husband but was so sad. The antidepressants she was prescribed have been wonderful for her. You try so hard but there is help out there.
Doodle- DH had a good birthday thank you. Now for his Consultant appt on Thursday. Glad your DH has an appointment lined up- hope you have some better nights while you are waiting.
Your weather always mirrors ours- it’s freezing here too. Went for a little walk but was glad to get back indoors.
Wyllow- all those birthdays!! It,ll keep you busy chosing cards and pressies.
Where would you like to go to on holiday if it were possible?
HVDY- glad you,ve had a nice day out - took your mind off worries for a while. DH enjoyed his birthday thank you. Some really funny cards .
SweetPeaSue- hope you,re ok today. If we had a beach here it would be too cold to go today!!!
Love to allxxxx

Day "in", had a reasonable zoom with psychologist, we have 2 sessions left planned before the dreaded "review", tb discussed next time. She is very good so I hope just leave things as they are, once a month /6 weeks, but generally one doesn't have a psychologist as a named worker, it was "Temporary" so lets see.
No news on gym front yet, having a day in resting and generally hiding from decisions and admin.

Nice outing there, HVDY. Had wondered about money concerns for you of course but you have a lot of thinking over to do.

Wondering how you and MrD are, Doodle as you were going to try an access help this week.

Loving wishes to all BD's x

ScaredyCat I hope your DH enjoyed his birthday. No news is very likely to be good news about your sister. The hospital will want to get her home as soon as possible, I'd think, and should arrange any equipment/care she'll need.

Wyllow3 Sometimes, having a day of not doing much is good.

Doodle Yes, I'm anxious about DH, also about our financial situation. No real point in worrying though. Have you managed to contact anyone about your DH and your situation?

How is everyone getting on today? My friend picked me up and we went for lunch at a garden centre. Nice to go out for a while. Hope everyone is ok today x

Quick comment, back tomorrow.
EllieAnne I'm sure talking to a good counsellor would help.,
It was one of the best things I ever did So good to talk to someone who was not family or friend, I could really open up to her and talk about everything.
I think antidepressants are a good idea too. I'm sure Doodle is right, your family would miss you, it's just how you're feeling. x

I've just had to stay in bed, but made birthday lists as all 6 of them have birthdays within 6 weeks. I do wish I could plan a holiday, but just no oooompf.

Doodle have you managed to get any help for MrD and yourself.

Scardycat hope your DH enjoyed his birthday
Candy distraction by keeping busy can be quite effective. I know when I was at work I could forget my worries for a bit.
How lovely to have a caravan by the sea. A nice place to escape to. I bet the sea air does you good.
nadatetube do you get to go to your caravan often? I like caravans. A little home away from home. We used to spend lots of holidays in caravans and always enjoyed it.
Ellie Anne some people just want to avoid upset. I know you get on well with one of your DILs. I don’t think it’s unusual for men not to want to get involved in emotional matters. Doesn’t mean your sons don’t care about you but it must be difficult for them as well. I wish you could get some joy out of your life. It must be hard to keep going when you feel unhappy. Your family would miss you but I think you are thinking like that because you are depressed.
I wish I could think of something to help. Would you not consider antidepressants. I have had them a couple of times and they do help.
HVDY another busy day for you. Glad you fitted in the aqua aerobics though. Sometimes random thoughts hit us and make us upset of worried. Are you anxious about your DH do you think?
Wyllow glad you are still going to the gym. Sound advice for Ellie Anne . I hope your Ex stays away.
Scaredycat thank you. Yes I have managed to get an appointment for DH in two weeks. At least it gives us something positive to look forward to when we’re up at night.
Hope you hear some positive news of your sister soon.
Sweetpeasue have you been out today? It’s been bitterly cold here. Hope you are ok.

Ellie Anne "but really there is nothing anyone can do"

I hear your feelings but this is a very depressive perception and counselling or meds could give a different perceptive. Counselling may give you better ways of coping with DH or ideas how to feel better in general.

I agree Scaredycat no news is good news.

Thank you all. Our pastor is a lovely man but he is the same age as my son and is more of a preacher than a pastor. I find on the whole people don’t want to know.one friend is lovely but really there is nothing anyone can do.

SweetPeaSue - so pleased you got to the beach it must have done you good . Hope it wasn’t as cold as here yesterday - we even had a ten minute blast of icy snow stuff!

Candy - So glad you have your caravan to spend good family times in. The beach and sea is such a healing environment.
Good news you are starting to feel the beginnings of hope and wish that soon you will be able to feel happier in your home.
HVDY- hope you had a peaceful snore free sleep last night. Love the sound of that orange liqueur- oh I do miss having a drink😩
You’ve had a busy time today- good to keep your mind and body occupied but don’t forget to take a break and see after yourself. Hope your legs are still,improving. It’s understandable that you feel a bit sad and apprehensive about the future - you have a great family who sound like they are always there for you and DH.
Nadaturbe- what a lovely coastline to have your caravan- such beautiful beaches. I too love that feeling of no pressure when away.
EllieAnne- it would certainly not be better if you weren’t here.
There are many people who care about you and love you. It’s just sometimes people don’t want to face up to someone else’s unhappiness so sound uncaring . Is there somebody at Church you could talk to?
Wyllow- good your Ex has stayed away from the gym - you need your rest now .
Doodle- been thinking of you today . Hope you have been able to get something arranged to help DH.
Not heard from BiL since Friday so am hoping no news is good news.
Take care allxxx

Busy day thereHVDY.

Its not better for others EllieAnne but the wanting to die times are an understandable reaction for a severe situation where you feel there is no way out, trapped, no way ahead.

I know you don't want to take meds but I think you'd benefit from some counselling, have you ever considered this? Is it something you can talk to church friends with, or church pastoral care? You may be so down you think, "well what's the point, what can they change?". The answer to that is you dont know how they can help you cope better in he situation you find yourself, and talking to a stranger has none of the privacy or emotions issues talking to those who you have contact with

I know my DS and DiL would not talk about my relationship with DS's dad, (my first DH) - an absolute (I suppose they might if he had been openly abusive to me and DS)

Meanwhile have a gigantic hug.

OK so far - been to gym nothing happening yet there re EX, (not expected yet) just tired having the rest of the day in bed etc.

How'e everyone's day going? I went to aqua aerobics then to the pub for an omelette, with my friend. Came home, cleaned the kitchen and bathroom, then hoovered, mopped and polished through downstairs, hoovered my car (it didn't get done the other day), scrubbed the rubber car mats, went to B & M, did some washing. Quite busy, but then suddenly felt really sad. It's probably due to worrying about the future (no point in doing that really). Must buck my ideas up . Hope everyone's ok x

EllieAnne I think those of us who have, or have experienced depression, have felt that way (I have and on the odd occasion, still have the thought that it would be better if I wasn't here), but actually, your children and grandchildren would be devastated if you weren't here. So would your friends. Your husband, in his own way, would miss you, too. Perhaps you could look at what aspects of your life you could change, and see what you could improve upon?

Hvdy she has never been easy to talk to. She is very clever but I have sometimes wondered if she is on the autistic spectrum.I know I shouldn’t talk to any of them about their dad but it’s hard. One d in l is very understanding but sons and other d in l don’t want to know. I have been thinking it would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here but am trying to cling on to my faith.

Don't know why I put second Candy in! I'm good at this!

Candy it's lovely having a caravan We have one at Newcastle beside the Mournes. No stairs, so energy saved. Just going somewhere different and having no pressure or expectations from anyone is wonderful.
Candy great news you're feeling slightly better and optimistic. Sharing your hope it continues.
Wyllow3 and HVDY Parents really need to think about what they teach their children because it can have such a longlasting negative effect. iykwim.