Black Dog 16

SweetPeaSue- no way are you a wimp!
Glad your son is happy in his new job- nothing makes us as happy as our kids being happy does it!
HVDY- I write things down for appointments too. I also know the feeling of not wanting to be bothered to go out but am always pleased once I,ve gone . It’s amazing how many of us have similar feelings isn’t it.
Wyllow- I understand about the must get it done NOW feeling but sometimes it’s better to weigh things up first and consider all angles. This potential move could be such a good thing for you but at your pace. You have raised a wonderful son - be proud.
Nanny- Binks is looking good- that little stray will be very happy to have a home with you I,m sure.
Doodle- yet another exciting day for you and DH! Glad you made it in time.
I,m nowhere near BlueBadge territory yet. I can walk OK but nowhere near as far as 3 months ago and so much slower but thank you for the suggestion - maybe one day. I,m so glad your DH has one though - Hospital parking is not the easiest of things and there’s always lots of walking onc3 you get into the H isn’t there.
Sometimes if it’s possible private appointments take anxiety away don’t they. The cardiology one I had last week was a private appointment as the NHS one came through for September and that was so far away.
Enjoy Church tomorrow - a lovely peaceful place.
Llamy is adorable.

Love to allx

Nanny2507 Binks is beautiful. I hope you end up with that cat, a friend for Binks.

Doodle So glad you got to the appointments ok. Hope the results won't take too long. Llamy is cute . I've got a few fluffy toy animals, all presents from my sons over the years.

I had a lovely dinner of salmon and lots of vegetables. DH had a sausage cob (he loves a lot of beige foods). He's gone to meet a couple of old friends, so I'm having a nice evening on my own. Hope all BDers have a restful night x

I do feel like a failure all the time and have been thinking what a horrible person I am because I envy people who seem to have it all and have healthy successful children. I know that is wrong. But my lot have always worked hard but don’t have well paid jobs and son 1 especially is always in a financial mess.dd has a good job but not good health.
Back is much better today but I’m not feeling good. A bit shivery and fluey.
I’ve been thinking about Annie a lot since nanny mentioned her. I wish she hadn’t left. Is anybody in contact and know how she is.

"beige food" was a new concept to me HVDY so I googled it and it made me smile.

Evening all.
HVDY I know what you mean about putting on a front. It’s hard and I’m sorry you’ve had to do it. You are right though, getting out and about does generally make us feel better. I hope you enjoyed your time with your friend. A little sort out for you too. I really need to do that and take some stuff to the charity shop. Trouble is, around here, I always feel I’m pushing stuff on them as they never seem that interested in taking it. I think they get inundated at times.
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry you’ve been in pain again. It must be so hard for you. Is there any way you could pay privately for treatment? I know it’s hugely expensive but it seems like you need some solid advice from someone who is reputable, not easy though I would imagine. I'm glad your husband is supportive. Mine is too but like others, doesn’t know what to do at times either. Please don’t think you are a wimp, you’re not. You have an awful lot to put up with. Your son sounds like he’s doing well in his job which you will be happy about I’m sure.
Wyllow I hope you have felt better as the day has gone on. I’m glad your counsellor understands you. That’s so important. Mine does too thankfully. I think you have indeed achieved a lot. You are obviously highly qualified and raised your son to be a caring, responsible adult. For that you should be proud. You survived an abusive relationship and are coming out the other side. You are resilient, you may not feel like it at times but you must be, you carry on and push yourself to do things. You will get there.
Scaredycat I hope your AF isn’t playing up today and you have had a good day.
Nanny2507 your cat is lovely and soon to be joined by a new friend! How lovely. Our pets help us so much.
Doodle you have had a busy and stressful day. The scourge of roadworks is everywhere and is a nightmare. I’m glad you made the appointment. Yes, I see my grandson a lot. He stays with us for 2 nights a week. He lives less than 10 minutes away but like his sleepovers in grandma’s. I suspect there will be a time when he doesn’t want to come so I relish it at the moment. My days are busy - I obviously work 2 full days a week - mainly to help with my MH but the money comes in handy too; then I look after DGS the following 2 days and then get a long weekend which I try to make the most of, mostly getting to our caravan on the coast in the spring/summer months. I get behind with stuff at home which stresses me out a bit but I think it’s important to have some free time too. Your llama is lovely 😊. I hope the rest of your day has gone well.
Off to bed now. Early start for my swimming lesson tomorrow then FiL’s funeral in the afternoon. DS has travelled home for it so it’s nice to see him even though under the sad circumstances. I hope everyone has a good night and ❤️ To all those not personally mentioned too xx

Not a great day. Have read most posts, so much I would like to say but unfortunately, pain and low energy, just wanted to say I'm thinking of you all, and hoping for a peaceful night for you.
(Doodle You made me smile- trying on trousers for my husband 😄.)

Nadateturbe Understand and I too feel need to respond but unable. I hope you are ok and will have restful night.x

I got a few things done but like walking through a low sludge feeling and energy wise. Weary of life and the next "must do". Well I'm going ahead getting valuation on the house on Friday (and tidy/clean tomorrow) but seriously wonder am I pushing too hard too soon too big, and yet my mind is sort of detaching from local things too. (but that can be bad depression, so will try and work it out!) Am I being crazy thinking can move when in poor sate or is is just what needed to move on from sad history of Ex here in this house, this city.

The best thing was what I've just done - sorting a pile pf papers for a tidy desk and some old filing checked out -always a good thing.

Se you all later when you come in again!

EllieAnne You're not a horrible person, but there's no point in ever being envious of anyone. Your daughter has got health problems, like many, and your son perhaps isn't in the best paid job (my eldest is the same), but does he like his work? (mine does, he earns £10k less than his brother). Neither DH nor I have ever earned much money. We managed, though, and I loved being a carer.

Candy Hope the funeral went as well as these things can.

Wyllow Even if you decide not to move just yet, at least you'll know what your place could sell for, and you'll have done some clearing (decluttering?), which I think is a good thing.

I'm not feeling well - last night, I was so cold and shivering, despite wearing a jumper on top of my pyjamas, and having 3 fleecy blankets on top of the duvet. I didn't get up until almost 2pm - I'm not one to "take to my sick bed", ever. I've just had a shower, put clean pyjamas on.

Hope SweetpeaSue, Doodle, Nadateturbe, *Whiff and other BDers are ok today x

Hi all.
HVDY- Hope you enjoyed your solo evening. What a lovely healthy dinner-not a bit of beige to be seen!!
Candy- today will have been a difficult one for you all but I hope it went as well as these days can. It will be good to have your DS there with you.
Nadaturbe- sorry you didn’t have a good day yesterday- hope you had a decent night and feel a bit stronger today.
SweetPeaSue- hope you were able to talk to the nurse today and feel a bit less stressed.
Wyllow- you have made another step towards your future move - these things are very emotional and will sometimes seem too much but I think that you will benefit from a change of scene and constant reminders of unhappiness. Also being able to see your family a bit more often. One day at a time eh.
Hope you have a restful evening.

Candy I hope this afternoon went ok with the funeral. They can be terribly upsetting and I think most people are glad to get them over with. Seem to bring so many things to the surface. Thankyou for your kind words to me yesterday. I suggested it to my GP about hoing private for the pain management specialis but she didnt seem to think it a good idea. I dont want to wait too much longer so have tried to find out where I am on waiting list, all to no avail. Ring 1 numner puts through to wrong dept who then puts me through to secretary of Pain Manahement specialist to get recorded message to say she's not there. Long story but will try tomorrow. Hope your swimming lesson was good this morning.
Wyllow It's no wonder you feel weary of life. V natural with separation from ex, your CFS and health problems ongoing. Worry of house move on top of everything else. House valuation on Friday could just be that, and you dont have to take another step to put on market if you change mind. Might feel good to get valuation out of the way. Ive already said how bad I am making decisions. I think too much and weigh up for and against--its exhausting for you. Just take it step by step. Glad the paperwork is out of the way.

Bladder pain this morning so dosed myself up with painkiller and set off for pre-admission assessment - appt really early. Had usual stuff and ECG. Nurse commented I looked terrified. Told her needed to speak to consultant about op. She looked at his schedule on his appt day next week but completely full. Then said it's not too late on the day of op to speak to him! I said secretary told me to cancel op in good time if he doesn't get in touch(she has my number) so someone can take my slot. I know you can speak to them before op but it's not good to leave till l then. She insisted its my body and could decide then but I don't think thats feasible or right. If he hasnt rang me in a week's time think I'll need to cancel. Sorry for boring with details but less than 10% of IC sufferers have Hunners ulcers in bladder. These can be removed and aftetwards much less pain. So if I had them, op worth it. I didnt have them 3 yrs ago. After Distention pain is usually increased for about 2 to 4 weeks then around 30% of patients have decreased pain---*for up to 5mths* Its temporary. Just couldnt bear more pain. Researched lots on it so my head is bursting.

Good thing-pain got better and Ive been to book group this aft. Member restarted from our early days so nice to see her again. Crosssed fingers getting a break from pain atm.

Hope everyones day has been ok. Hope your DH was alright last night Doodle and not a repeat of previous.

HVDY Oh Im so sorry, you really dont sound well at all. Do you think you could be getting a virus? You needed that rest - perhaps youve been doing too much and youve picked something up when immune system low. Hope its a temporary thing for you. I think when you cant get warm like that a hot-water bottle can be good. Look after yourself.
EllieAnne Please dont put yourself down - youve been a good mum and still are. HVDY is right and not everyone has good wages by a long shot. Just as we dont compare our problems here, we cant compare AC s 'success'. My son is happy in his new job and I'm glad with that but it includes lots of driving which I worry about. You seem to ne having same symptoms as HVDY. Hope you're feeling better today and your back has eased.

Scaredycat Hope you have been ok today. I know the AF is so worrying for you. Its sunny here but still v cold. I have 1 little camelia out on plant that never flowered at all last yr.
.

Thank you. He used to enjoy the job but I think the hours are getting to him. He has to go to bed really early for an early start and it makes family life difficult. He drives a truck. I know I shouldn’t envy but it’s always been one of my faults.( one of many)
My back is a good bit better but the coldness and fluey feeling is not going away.dh hasn’t even noticed that I’m unwell. What’s the point in living like this?

SweetpeaSue I'm glad your pain settled down. there's a lot to consider about your operation, and it isn't an easy decision to make in having the op or not. There's a lot to consider, isn't there? I think I must have a virus of some kind. I now feel sweaty and trembly, as well as having had diarrhoea a few times (sorry for that information). Prednisolone reduces the immune system, apparently.

EllieAnne I hope you soon feel better. Does/will your husband make you some drinks/food whilst you're unwell?

EllieAnne Perhaps envy could be wrong word that you attribute to yourself. It sounds like you just wish son could have an easier time with a his job hrs and so have more time to spend with his family. Many jobs are like this. My son's hrs were terribly bad for his health and family and I worried about that too. It's natural for you to worry and you have worry about your DDs health too. On top of your home life that's a lot to deal with. Must be very hurtful when your husband ignores how you are feeling and when you're unwell. I'm sorry EllieAnne , I cant think what to say but you must look after yourself. If you told him you're not well do you think he might help? If he then ignores--- You must learn to see to your own needs first or you will be open to the constant hurt. Hope you feel better soon.

HVDY Yes I remembe reading that about Prednisolone and the immune system. You are on quite a high dose. It could be that but you sound pretty awful. Keep well hydrated and hoping your symptoms ease soon. 💐

Just realised I didnt respond to EllieAnne when you said, “I do feel like a failure all the time and have been thinking what a horrible person I am because I envy people who seem to have it all and have healthy successful children.”

I don’t think you are horrible just courageous to admit you are human. You’d have to be super human or a saint. I envy my sister at times because she is mentally and physically healthy, wealthy, all her 4 boys have turned out well, has a loving husband. Especially the latter atm. However the battle against envy is worth it because it hurts YOU. And then of course I realise that although my sister seems to have it all, she has had sorrows, anxieties, and also nursed my other sister until other sisters death with cancer in 2019, took care of my mums house when she died, as none of the rest of us was well enough, and feels the sorrows of others keenly. she has always been there to talk to, although I am cross she doesn’t help me out financially and will never quite come to terms with that (she really is very well off)
We can never really know another’s struggles.

The main struggle with envy is to try and avoid bitterness. My Ex was consumed with bitterness and blaming everyone but him, and tho he hurt me so much I would never want to be in his head.
You say, “What’s the point of living like this?” Re you husband. is a good question. Its not easy separating and I know there are financial constraints but….well you only have one life EllieAnne

HVDY sounds like you need to take time out and be kind and let yourself be “sick” tho it goes against the grain (and can be scary as in “will I ever get better”….

Candy thinking of you today especially with he funeral.

Sweetpeasue well done you for trying today - you keep on trying. its so hard getting help atm - one feels rejected so easily where is the hand that reaches out, eh?

But listen - the nurse made it clear you COULD wait till the day to speak to the consultant. I think you should take this offer up.
They have very busy lists and if you chat but say “no” then they WILL use the time for someone else - maybe not a procedure, but making arrangements, phone calls, letters, decision making time for the consultant and the nurses. Its part of a doctors role to make sure you as the patient understand and make best decision for you. Please go. Glad you’ve had a bit less pain today.

What has just happened is that it looks like the flat near DS that I was hurrying for has been taken off the market. complete mixture of feelings, but it might stop me driving myself so hard so fast as I have been getting more tired and down of recent.

And yes, the efforts not wasted. I need to make more of the here and now, what I have been doing is stopping that, like seeing people and gentle gym and quaker Zooms…even tho I cry that I have no one special just for me and wish I had. but new men or bessie friends dont just appear when you are tired and 72.

Bests to all who haven’t popped in yet or are just reading, BD’s. thank you al for making this a special place.

Wyllow Your post really hit me in the gut. I learn so much on this thread.
Such a lovely message to EllieAnne. And aren't we all so human that we feel things we wish we didn't.
You say you've 'no one special, just for me'. I'll not forget those words, ever.
Remember mam saying to me after her husband died-she just so wanted a real hug, a cuddle.
I think some, me, take our OHs for granted sometimes.
We've had /have many challenges in relationship. Its not Romeo and Juliet. We're v different. But we keep tryimg to keep connected and do care.
Wyllow, its ok for me to say , but 72 is no age really. You sound to me such a caring and intelligent person with so much love in your heart.
Never say never eh?
I care, Wyllow. X

When I have some energy Sweetpeasue... (thank you)

Wyllow yes church was good today. Lovely service and a nice bunch of people.
Tricky situation regarding your move. We all know you can’t move and leave your troubles behind but sometimes a change is a good thing. New surroundings. A new home to furnish, plan would be a new interest.
Is it possible you could spend a week or so somewhere close to where you want to move to so you can get more experience of what it would be like living there?
Tidying your desk is more work than I’ve done today. I seem to have lost all enthusiasm for housework and can’t be bothered at the moment.
Sweetpeasue I can understand where your GP is coming from but does she understand where you are coming from? If pain is causing so much trouble in your life that the quality of your life is seriously affected then maybe you should see the Pain Management people privately if you can afford it. Only someone who doesn’t suffer pain and discomfort every day can think it’s something you can just wait to have resolved. This is why we paid to see the neurologist because DHs quality of life (and mine as a knock on) was being affected every day by the RLS to a major extent.
I think you should try and contact them again and see how much longer you are going to have to wait if you can.
Apparently the barium swallow wasn’t unpleasantness at all. Just a bit sweet.
I can see your difficulty about going ahead with op. You have researched it well. It’s good of you to think about not wasting a slot but you must think about your own health too. You are doing all you can to try and speak to the consultant if they don’t make it easy for you and say you should speak to him on the day then maybe that’s what you should do but not feel pressured to go ahead if you don’t want to.
Scaredycat I’m so glad your walking is ok. Like Annie always told us, keep walking. DH and I haven’t been for a walk for 5 weeks now. It makes me really sad both because I can see how DH has deteriorated and also because I miss my walks. Don’t know if we’ll ver get back to it.
You are right, sometimes we just need to find out what’s going on. Going private could be seen as queue jumping or removing oneself from the list so another can take your place. Who knows what’s right but sometimes waiting months to see someone is a big problem.
HVDY your meal sounds nice. What are you going to do while DH is out. A film and some you time? I was going to say chocs but I suppose that’s not part of the diet.
You sound a bit poorly. A bit like flu type symptoms. I hope after a good nights rest you feel better. Have you taken any paracetamol or something for the temperature. (Even though you feel cold you may be hot. DH often gets like that)
Oh Ellie Anne you certainly aren’t alone in envying those who you think have got what you would like. I have done the same. Not in material things like flash cars or the like but just in emotional ways. Families with children who have no worries, lots of friends etc. It’s only natural to look at others and think you want some of those things. However, as I have found out, quite often their lives aren’t quite as they seem.
There are a lot of wealthy unhappy people, good looking unhappy people and people who seem to have it all but still can’t get on in life. All is not always what it seems.
You aren’t a failure. We all worry about our families and want them to be happy. Sorry you’re not feeling well either, I wonder if there’s some bug or other going around.
Yes we all miss Annie. She was kind and helpful to many and had good advice. You could try and PM her.
Candy I hope your FiLs funeral went as well as could be expected. Always a sad day but nice sometimes to meet up with others and share memories of happy times together.
Not surprised your DGS likes his sleepovers with you. I bet you have fun together. Enjoy being with your son again.
Nanny do you have any family close by who are helping out?
Just got further down the thread and realised I’m repeating a lot of what Wyllow has said.

nadaterurbe nice to see you posting. We understand about the tiredness. Take care.
Sleep well all and a hug all round.

What lovely understanding people you are. Thank you ,
Wyllow we are the same age, whatever you decide to do don’t give up what you have in the meantime. I find routine helps me get through the days. Like yesterday was my day for going to son 1 to do a bit of housework and see the gds. it’s an hour there and back so it fills the whole day and I coped though the sore back didn’t help!
Today is my empty day but I will go to retail park as I need some grass feed and a new house plant. Still feeling fluey . Doodle I’m sorry that you are not getting walks. I’ve missed mine this week but think I might manage a short one later.
Dh would make me something if I asked but he just doesn’t notice things.
I’m going to change my bed today but don’t think I’ll get it hung out. It’s looking like rain.

I'm glad church was nice, Doodle and am not the slightest bit surprised that you haven't been doing housework.

Yes, ideally I'd go stay in hotel and go to the Quaker meeting locally, its the CFS getting in the way tho get a lot of information from DS on the area.Slowing things down maybe for the best.

You are completely right about routine, EllieAnne Good for you for doing it all yesterday despite back and fluey. Rain predicted here, too.