Black Dog 16

Nanny, Whiff has explained about how some feel the thread has lost its way and has changed. I suppose it’s inevitable that things do move on over time and each thread is made up of the people who post on it. Nonetheless, I’m sure Annie would be sad to hear your news, I know she was of great comfort to you and many over the years.
How are you cats? Is Binks still with you?

Nanny- I am so sorry to hear your sad news. Thinking of you and hoping you have support from friends and family.
Nadaturbe- yes buying jeans is especially a pain. It makes me so hot and bothered in changing cubicles too.
Glad you slept well last night- it will have done you good.
Side effects wearing off thank you.
EllieAnne- oh what a dissappointment for you. I,m sorry too you feel unwell- having to go out when you feel poorly isn’t good for you either.
HVDY- it must be hard to accept that you have a disability but it’s important that you don’t wear yourself out when the wobbles come. I know I have slowed down enormously in the last 3 months- I,m ok today thanks.
I,wear fluffy socks in bed too!!
Wyllow- do hope the counselling session tomorrow will help lift your spirits and start to disperse that nasty cloud. Will think of you. Beautiful but sad words in your song.x
SweetPeaSue- thank you for your kind words. Learning to live with the constantAF and still walking albeit slower and nowhere near as far. The bluebells are starting - think next
week might be good as long as it’s not too wet.
Hope you are able to speak with the consultant and make a decision to put your mind at rest.
Night night all

Popping in briefly as its an early night.

Nanny I don't know you but I'm so very sorry to hear your news. Just saw Annie on another thread.

Whiff sad to hear that you're having a lot of pain atm, Hoping it not too long.

Doodle not surprised you are down - sheer exhaustion and night after night - its only natural. Yes, my "go to" place has all those things.

Sweetpeasue yes the song is both sad but comforting, as in clearly we are not alone. Its sounds like you are close to deciding its a "no" for the procedure and just wish the NHS was in a more responsive state to give quick help.

Just had a funnier moment. Decided to ring DS partly because psychologist said I Must Discuss Expectations With Family and decided to bite the bullet. After chit chat and how's the family etc and saying decision could be complicated by waiting for health matters to resolve etc broached the subject in non heavy way. DS admitted that they have not discussed it at all. It just seemed a nice idea. Well I said popping over weekly or so and having the occasional coffee with you in the city (he works there, they live out) and not being active gran but listening gran with grandchildren oh yes fine. Good as I'll get.

I rejected that the initial invite would not have come if they found me an interfering or "difficult" mum and MiL and their willingness to go visit property for me and so on says enough. I can never really let them know how needy I am inside, and will always have to find other means of support, but then, I've had to do that for 20 years now in my MH journey.

Best nights - less pain all round - and sorry again Nanny for your news.

I didn't "reject" (last paragraph) I "reflected". Hmm, Freudian slip...
(and hoping HVDY tomorrow has more energy and less hassle)

Nanny2507 So sorry, I seem to remember you saying your husband had been very ill (sorry, my memory isn't what it should be)

Doodle Good news about your DH's results. I hope the other tests go well. Your poor husband, it must be horrible for him (and you, too). I hope you both manage to get some rest tonight. A bubble ECG is an ultrasound but they inject something into a vein and it shows up on a screen. They look to see if there is a"hole" in the heart. I've had one done.

Whiff Hope your pain eases off.

Wyllow I think I know what you mean about needing your family. I need mine, bt I don't talk about how I'm feeling, or my ailments etc. I don't like to worry them, so I keep things very brief about that kind of thing. I'm meeting a friend tomorrow, for coffee and a good old yap .

Hope all BDers have a restful night. x

Evening all.
Nanny2507 I don’t think we’ve “met” previously but I just wanted to send my condolences for your loss.
Sweetpeasue sorry you haven’t been good. I hope that you manage to get a word with the consultant tomorrow and you get some solid advice to help you make an informed decision about your op. Glad your Aunt is brighter. HVDY’s suggestion of the nutrition drinks might be worth following up. They work well I know. My working day hasn’t been too bad thanks.
Doodle glad the results were ok. It’s natural that you will feel low as you have one thing after another to face which must be difficult. I hope the barium and heart scan go well tomorrow. At least the appointments for the tests seem to be coming through quickly and although tiring, probably better to get it all sorted asap. I hope you are feeling a bit better now and you both get some rest. Yes, DGS lives for his football bless him (he’s 7). If he tried as hard at school and remembered what he does about football he’d be a genius in the making 🤣. Work was ok thanks. At least it’s only 2 days which go so quickly as it’s always busy.
Whiff sorry about your pain. I hope it eases soon. Thinking about you.
Wyllow I hope your mood has lifted. Good you pushed on and went to the gym. Does it make you feel better? It does for me but motivation is hard at times. Hope your counselling goes well tomorrow. I know exactly what you mean about remote places. They’re not for me either. I’m glad your son thinks it’s a nice idea for you to live close by. That must have given you a boost. Lovely song too by the way.
Ellie Anne sorry your day didn’t go as planned. Hope you enjoyed bible study.
Nadaterturbe I know what you mean about jean shopping. I hate it. So many different styles and sizes. Should make it easier I suppose but I find it overwhelming. Hope you got the pressie sorted.
HVDY sounds like your DGD has a solid relationship with your DS. It must be good for her to have that stability and one she’ll appreciate as she gets a little older I’m sure. Glad you finally got your council tax sorted. So frustrating. Hope your walking has been ok today. Sorry you suffer so much. I hope your day has gone well.
I’m off to sleep now as early start again tomorrow. Night all and love to all especially those not personally mentioned ❤️ xxxx

Night Candy

Hello, all. Hope the sun is shining where you are. It's bright and sunny but cold here. I've got ready to go and see my friend but don't feel very stable/steady. I get fed-up with having to put on this "front", but it's what we do, I suppose. Hope Doodle's DH goes on ok today. Love to all x

HVDY I understand that feeling of the 'front' being used to get through days. It's when its being used all the time that it can break down. Hope your meet up with friend is helpful and you feel better later. Thankyou for suggestion of nutrition dtinks for aunt. Will remind her of them.

Having such a bad day. I know we are all having them lately. Bladder pain too much so taken painkillers and Diazapam as so emotionlly distraught too. Tried to ignore it but got worse so DH brought back home. He doesn't know what to do. Expect much like you Doodle.
I'm not good at communicating and ringing up people geels a huge thing and dont like begging for their precious time.
Urologist not there when I go tomorrow for pre-admission thing. Got secretary's no but she's not there either.
Atm hot water bottle on tum and all cried out but pain has eased. Darent move now.
I have no one to talk to.
You all have so many problems.
Consultants need to diagnose then treat. Dont want people with 'syndromes' as they have no answers.
Sorry, I'm just overwhelmed, it feels like it's destroyi g me. Sorry.

Its useful to have a front HVDY as it can sometimes repay you..hope meet up has some nice bits in.

But sometimes impossible. Holding your hand.*Sweetpeasue*. My first ex, tho a lovely man, "didn't know what to do" either really in the situation you describe. Try if you can to see him as "holding the fort" against outside world and ask for HWB's etc.

You've done all the right things, HWB, the diazepam, posting here, and crying it out as much as you can, as its a real loss situation as in the you you used to be.

There is a certain kind of talking that one can only really do with MH people or the Sams?

I awoke in a v bad state life not worth living etc but did have pressure of up by 7 for a delivery instead of taking it easy and listening to music etc. Just had a counselling session where we talked about grieving for Ex when its abuse could I have done this or that differently (no, its was about survival... and close to tears as I can get, rare for me, no easy answers except to feel at least when I talk to her I'm understood.
.....but also the wisdom or not of moving too quickly with CFS, pros and cons as it will be very stressful.

Nevertheless, to fill the morning in I did some further enquiry things medically so I don't feel so helpless waiting for test results and dates. Costs of private lump removal (ouch, just about manage it I think) and approx time scale for Barium Meal by ringing waiting list....rung the sports complex near my "target flats" etc etc.

but there is a serious gap between whats going on in my head and body and ability to be practical, is always the problem for me I can put on a very capable front all my life when falling apart inside until the worst comes that we talked through.

SweetpeaSue You sound at the end of your tether with ita ll, and it's no wonder. I hope the painkillers, hot water bottle, etc., will help. Men don't always know what to do or say, but your DH sounds very kind, and he's there with you (as is mine with me).

Wyllow Those low moments in the mornings are horrible, aren't they? I hope that as the day goes on, your mood lifts. MH is a daily struggle, but things can feel better, and I suppose we have to try to enjoy as many of the nice things as we can. I saw my friend, we chatted about lots of things, then she had to give her husband a lift to work (he doesn't drive), but it was a pleasant few hours out.

Thanyou Wyllow
I dont mind so much losing who I used to just to be-whoever the hell that was-just cant bare all the pain and its happening every day now and I not even sure if its nerve damage affecting bowel and bladder on top of IC.
Re your counselling session -' could I have done things differently' oh how many times Ive said same thing to my counsellor over the Drs cover-up/formal complaint. I know in my heart of hearts I did what I could do and never ' brought it on myself'.
I'm sure you do too Wyllow.
Thank goodness youve good counsellor too. We just need to have that ear to listen, understand and pick up what matters to us.

You seem much more practical than I. I feel all 'watery' on outside as well as in!
I have had ability to put on front too. It just keeps falling apart. I hope you can keep it together and I'm sure you will. It's amazing what resilience we find at times.

Got through to secretary and she's emailing Urologist but with bank holiday she's thinking if he doesn't get back to me I'll need to cancel op in decent time. Its only 2 weeks away.

Cant think straight at all. Will ask nurse tomorrow at preassessment.

Awful times these are for NHS and us all. Waiting list bad. You are probably doing right thing to go private. It will be a lot off your mind to leave space for other things.

Take care Wyllow.

Yes HVDY we are lucky in that.
Pain is just between it and yourself and nothing can be done about that. I'm glad you had a pleasant time with friend. Its v important to not lose touch with 'outside' world even when we needto put on that 'front'.

HVDY- pleased you had a nice morning with your friend despite feeling a bit wobbly beforehand.
I always think of the song”Whistle a happy tune” when having to put on a front.
Hope the rest of your day is good to you.
SweetPeaSue- you sound beside yourself- so much pain and distress. Your DH must feel bewildered as to how to help you but he,s always there for you and kind.
You are braver than you think- having put up with so much mental and physical pain for so long and you still have time to think of other people. Hope the Urologist gets back to you and is understanding.
Perhaps tomorrow the nurse will be able to help you with your decision. Will be thinking of you.
Wyllow- your councillor sounds like she understands you very well which must be a comfort for you. I,m glad you have her to turn to.
Yes going private for your lump removal might be sensible for you- that way you would be in charge and could have it at a time to suit you.You actually need to know when they propose to do it before deciding.
There is no need to rush your move but a little planning each day- like phoning the sports complex- all help to make it easier.

Scaredycat Thankyou for your caring message. We're all a lot tougher than we think we are when we need to be, aren't we. I hope you are ok today. I think I'd be a proper wimp if I had to suffer your problems with AF. Even more of a wimp than now, should say. Son 1 just called. Hadn't heard from him since hol. He's quite enjoying his new, quite demanding job - he loves being in thick of things and lots of meeting people - doesnt get it from me obvs 🤔-so glad he's ok🙂. Take care.

SweetpeaSue I find it helpful to write things down to take to appointments so that I remember to tell the doctor, or ask things. My memory isn't good, so I find it useful. I force myself to go out (most of the time, I really don't want to bother), and actually, being out and talking about different things/looking at different surroundings, really helps me.

Scaredycat I would be anxious about having AF. I can sometimes feel my heart beating, and am on beta-blockers to slow it down (I had that a few years before I was ill but didn't go anywhere about it as I thought it was anxiety/menopause).

Took some "cat-themed" wall-hanging things to a charity shop, as well as some clothes I no longer like (that's cut down my ironing pile a bit ).

Hope all BDers have managed to have a decent day x

Been thinking - its very sound advice Scaredycat. I'm very bad at pacing myself you see. I fear that "if I dont get this or that sorted NOW it will never happen."

Its led to a lot of stress and some bad life decisions and going against it seems very hard. Its led to me running away from people/events because I can't tolerate normal difficulties.

I wish someone sort of an expert on me would say this or that is is right decision about moving (or some other dilemmas).

Since I was about 12, not trusting my parents, I have pretended to be capable and strong thats where I got my Useful Capable Persona from but her presence is a mixed blessing. People say oh but you are doing so well and I'm thinking "I'm not! I'll breakdown!!!"

Sweetpeasue....... I have more recently felt that in a life full of well not failures but certainly never reaching my full potential (stuffed with degrees, but only ever worked max 11 years)

......that managing somehow or other to bring up a son who is happy enough and doing well at work and in his family life maybe was the greatest blessing of all.

and maybe moving forward not expecting son to bail me out MH wise will be the greatest thing I can continue to give him.

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I am sorry but I forgot who asked about the cats. Yes my beautiful binks is still here. He now loves belly rubs but he is still thumping the dogs and as too when we break the rules! I have ( just yesterday) made contact with what we believe is a new stray. I will be scanning him to make sure he isn't lost or a chancer, but if not I think I might have a new cat!! He doesn't have a name yet. Picture is of binks the ex feral cat.

I hope binks and you have a new pal soon nanny

Hello all. What a day. It’s been like a hospital marathon. One this morning for Barium swallow and then another this afternoon for CT scan. All was going well till we hit a diversion for a road closed and had to go miles out of our way just to get back on track. We thought we might miss the appointment but actually made it just on time.
Scaredycat . Glad the Covid jab side effects are wearing off. I only had them once and it wasn’t nice. Oh I’m another that likes fluffy bed socks too.
Can you walk a reasonable way? If not you could try for a blue badge. We didn’t think about getting one for DH until recently but it’s been a big help with all these hospital visits.
I sometimes launch into “The sun has got its hat on” . I’m not known for being very tuneful 🤣
Wyllow I have often read that moving should be for yourself and not to be close to children because they might move. I’m sure your son and his family would like you closer which would make visiting easier but everyone has their own lives and need to get on with them. We live very close to both our sons but we don’t pop in unannounced and we don’t see them that often. We get invited round for meals at birthdays, Easter, Christmas and other odd times but we don’t meet up every month. Just being closer in distance to your son might be reassuring for you but make it somewhere you are happy to be yourself. As you say, they wouldn’t have visited places for you if they didn’t want you around.
You are right about CFS and taking things slowly. It is many years since DH had symptoms but if her gets up too early in the morning it affects him all day.
I’m glad you feel your counsellors understands. That must be a help. We have done one or two things privately because the waiting lists on the NHS have been too long. Would you feel happier if your lump was removed? Does it cause you pain or worry?
I know you are Quaker and not CofE but this years Lent course has been all about failure and how to come to terms with it. To be kind to ourselves and not think we are failures all the time. There is a whole section on Peter who let Jesus down so badly and could be classed as a real failure but then went on to be the rock of the church. Be kind to yourself Wyllow as you say you have brought up a happy son. That is no mean feat.
HVDY like you I try to protect our sons and family from worry. Always try and put a positive spin on things. Goodness knows they are both adults yet in my mind they are my little children still and if I could wrap them in cotton wool and prevent hurt I would.
Hope you had a nice time with your friend. Yes, putting on the “front” I know that feeling. Sorry you’re not feeling 100%. Hope you had a good time anyway and perhaps felt a little better from going.
Sweetpeasue so sorry you are felling so bad. I can go into battle for DH. It’s easier to do it if it’s not yourself I think.
Your situation is slightly different. You’ve tried so hard to get answers and proper treatment but nothing has worked.
I do feel for your DH too as to stand there and watch the person you love suffer is almost worse than their suffering in the first place. It’s hard to be an observer.
Glad you got through to the secretary. Hopefully she will get something sorted. Don’t forget to keep pushing your Gp and the hospital for the pain management appointment. You really need that help.
So many are going private these days, the waiting lists are too long.
Candy glad work was ok. Yes your right, although it’s very tiring it’s better to get all these tests done so we know what’s going on.
You must love being with your DGS. 7 is a great age for boys. They are usually full of life and fun and into everything. Do you see him often? Do you have any other grandchildren?
What do you do in the days you aren’t working? Do you have a garden to tend to?
Nanny I think it was probably me who asked about the cats, I remember them all well but especially Binks.
Your Binks is lovely looking. I remember when he wouldn’t let you near him at all. You have worked wonders with him.
Thinking about you a lot and will say a prayer for you in church tomorrow. Take care .

Sweetpeasue. Llamy 😊

What a thoughtful and kind post Doodle after your double marathon day too. You must both be cream crackered.

You say, "To be kind to ourselves and not think we are failures all the time."

Ah now, aint that the key to so very much?

Spot on, on all advice.

(Info- they won't move that one I vvv thoroughly checked out and know why)

I hope your quiet space in church tomorrow is an oasis of peace for you.

Doodle You are so thoughtful in your words, totally agree with Wyllow there. I was thinking of you earlier and imagining you both being race down the corridors in that buggy thing.
Ah the Llama! I see what you mean--he's so sweet and he's just asking to be adopted and taken home.Beautiful little face. Thankyou for that.
I did ask GP about 6 weeks ago when I last saw her F2F aboht seeing Pain Management consultant privately. She seemed to think it was a bad idea and could end up wasting money. I never thought Id wait this long for Pain Management or Gymaecologist. I would like to be put back on HRT as still having withdrawals symptoms but uterus pain not been there for months. All bladder pain with some bowel. Will try ringing Pain Man tomorrow again to see where I am on list.
DH is good though he'd never 'go into battle' he's quiet. Its hard for him and you will understand this as things go on and on.
I hope the barium swallow wasnt too unpleasant. Glad that the test results were good. You must have been so anxious this morning. So many roads seem to be ripped up and have diversions here too.
Wishing you both a decent rest. Look after yourself too.

Nanny2507 Thankyou for pic of Binks. He has a beautiful 2 toned fur. Hope your animals are giving you comfort - I know how much they're loved