Black Dog 16

Quick hello before the Christening.
I,ve caught up with you all and you really are all such special people who deal with whatever life throws at you with such courage.
I can’t wait to get back home but try each day to enjoy things as Whiff says. My physical ability has changed so much in such a short time it has changed my life so just have to get on with it as best I can. You are all an inspiration.
Wishing you all a day with some sunny moments.
Love to all x

One of my craft group is a very talented artist as well as brilliant at crochet. She has mental health problems and she drew this after feeling low. But I think it is beautiful and the wording down the side I hope means something to some of you as it does to me.

I cross stitch as I have said . I am addicted to do it. And you can't rush it and you have concentrate doing it.

Wyllow you mentioned doing a craft . My group was just started by 2 friends just happens we all have something wrong health wise. I know the Brain Charity runs daily activities which are free. I wondered if there was a mental health or brain charity near to where you live. Also I know local churches near me run different groups which are open to all. One of my group was given some colouring in books through MIND. Don't think kids colouring books but pictures than are intricate and she blended colours they looked like paintings when she finished. My sister in law crochets and does needle felting. She has MS . She finds stabbing at wool to make pictures or characters very absorbing and you have to concentrate or you stab your fingers.

I started cross stitch because I need an outlet other than reading. I was having a very stressful time with looking after my mom . Funny enough doing it it's the only time my hands don't shake.

When I do my sit fit class I have to concentrate and making my feet face forward otherwise they don't. Plus we do exercises which means you have to concentrate if you have to do arm and leg movements but doing the opposite. Funny enough I can do my exercises easier than walk. I think it's because we encourage eachother and our instructor always has good music on and pushes us to do the best we can and to push over bodies further than we think we can .

Once in my garden I lose myself. But have to do things my way and I find hours fly by and stop when exhausted which is madness as I ache and need a nap . I over do it at times. But the time flies by.

As shown Covid lockdown has had lasting effects on people's mental and physical health. I know it made me realise how important self care is . As I am guilty of always putting others first . But realised especially since my move here I have to put me first . And have to live my life to the full and not just exist like I did. Took me long enough to do that as I didn't move here until nearly 4 years ago. But if I hadn't moved I dread to think what my life would have been like. Here I have my daughter close by but I live an independent life. Unfortunately she had to take me to A&E ,GPs and walk in clinics far more times than my son did until I got my diagnosis of HPX and PAF. Yes after 7 months I lost my son and grandson's his choice and it's a living bereavement . But my husband's death is far worse a pain to bear everyday. But the gains far outway any losses . Have said before happiness is under rated but it's so important to find happiness it's hard when everything thing seems black and pointless . But small things can make you happy . Just getting the top off a bottle of bleach makes me happy as I can't always do it.

When things are at their worst and mental and physical health wear you down just look out your window and you can see something to make you smile . I always find a positive from a negative can be something silly but it helps me . We can always find a positive no matter how bad things get. Just try it next time hopefully it will help.

Thank you all for your support and the how much you care about everyone who posts here.

Wyllow As Doodle said, perhaps you need a challenge. You've got a very clever mind. I know what you mean about not having the motivation, though. I hope today will be brighter for you.

Doodle You did well to have a walk, no matter how much of a struggle it was.

SweetpeaSue I bet most of us have got those age spots. (Mine merge in with my freckles). Wear your pretty bracelet and don't worry. I use Cerave cream at night. My skin is lovely (although my moon face is fat).

I'm up at 5.20 because I was so warm, but I'm going to go back to bed soon x

I have read all your posts and thinking of you all. There's no way I could respond to everything.
Doodle I hope you chose a pretty bandage. Seriously though glad your wrist is making progress.
I too use skin cream morning and night, nothing super expensive, but I'm sure it helps, and makes me feel better. This time of year I use No 7 gradual facial tan, gives me a little bit of colour instead of very pale.
Wyllow3 maybe Doodle is right and you need to find something absorbing that will exercise your brain. Also, often I don't feel like doing anything, no motivation, eg painting. But I set everything up and just start painting anyway, and after a while I start enjoying it.
Your bracelet sounds pretty Sweetpeasue. Of course wear it. I'm sure you notice the blotches more than others. I think many of us have them as we get older.
Must try and get some sleep.

I dont thing faces are ever past responding because dry skin as you get older is what makes skin look so ageing, and light in the day also makes it age, so all you need is a good rich cream at night and a day cream with an SP factor in.

We'll never take years off but its nice to do the best we can.....but I've never worn make up so I suppose its my own way of presenting as best as poss to the world.

Doodle Good you can take the splint off and that fingers are more flexible. Sounds right to wait for physio's advice-- you dont want to do any harm. Nothing wrong with your shopping purchase! I could do with another hot-water bottle. 🤔
Wyllow I've not bothered with special skin cream routines for a long time as I feel my face is past responding to such things. Claims from the many brands seem unconvincing but surgical solutions, though drastic, are tempting. But I'm never going to be brave enough! (or stupid enough) to go down that road.
Downside of pretty bracelet is draws attention to brown blotches. So to ornament or not- that is the question... x

Wyllow I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better. I wasn’t necessarily thinking about craft but something more of a project for you. Something absorbing like family history or some kind of research project. Is there anything at U3A you could be interested in, even learning another language?

Bit better, Doodle's words very spot on. I have things like easy crafts I could do but "what the point" how pathetic the little I can do after what I used to do stops me.

I'm very people orientated and get frozen alone. then the vicious circle of not currently being able to go to crafts groups and no one at home hits. I shall follow my rules of "routine" and hope for some physical recovery so I meet people more.

I like the outing Sweetpeasue. Despite all I keep up my skin routine and have good night creams. I was a bit pleased today to find that I only have had to buy one size bigger in trousers with swollen bowel (collected some later from M n S round the corner) not 2 or 3 sizes. I'm going to ditch all the size 10's no point in them hanging around.

Sweetpeasue arm is ok I think. Because I can take the splint off I get to release it from its prison a couple of times a day. It feels very odd. A bit like Wyllows alien. The back of my hand is still puffy and bruised with no feeling but my fingers are more flexible. I’m being cautious until I’ve been to physio as I’m not sure what I should or shouldn’t do.
Glad you managed to do a bit of shopping and bought some nice things…….I just bought a tubular bandage 🤣

Hope you're ok Wyllow

Oh Doodle Your final words were lovely today. 'One day at a time and one foot in front of the other and we will all get there together'
Such a lovely thing to say and I take hope from that. Thankyou.
You challenged yourselves today by that walk to the chemist and you both did it. Hope your back will be ok but as you said - you made it!
Lovely encouraging posts from you to all of us. Thankyou and hope you both have a peaceful night. Oh- dare I ask about your arm. Hope the swelling has gone down.

Whiff You are right - physical illness/conditions affect our MH and vice versa. We are the whole package, 'so to speak'. I'm glad you are seeking help for your MH and I just hope that help with counselling won't be too long in coming. Estrangement from AC must be a terrible thing and I can't imagine how anyone can recover from that but I'm so pleased that you have friends on that forum, like smileless, and that you all support each other.
About the miscommunication between Drs, I will let things settle over the long weekend and then speak to GP next week to find out what's happening. You did make me smile about your craft group tolics. What a lovely fun group it sounds. Long may you continue to find friendship there.
Wyllow The guilt I felt about the private route was stirred up when I found out, from speaking to secretary, that my consultant's letter about doing the op in the private hospital on NHS, and needing GP's agreement had been apparently rejected by my 'own' GP and she had wanted me to go NHS route by a booking system whih would mean waiting for another consultation whrn Id already had one. I felt I was being judged by the GP, who told us not to 'waste' money by having private consult with Pain M earlier. Anyway, I don't understand at all but yourself and others here have made feel better about it and see things differently so thankyou.
Oh that 1 2 1 apology to heal things. How much hurt can be alleviated by understanding words.
I'm so sorry you woke from sleep to face that awful aloneness. It's hard to believe that another day you might feel much better when you're in a v dark place. Your head, right now, is 'an unfair place to live in' but your head might feel differently in future. I hope so. Do keep talking to us here. We all care. Your sadness may not be so acute tomorrow. Waking from sleep can be a horrible time when we are beset with our lroblems again.

How is everyone else today?

My day started badly. Dreamt of my mum - seemed so real and thought oh! I must ring her I haven't seen her for a long time. I suddenly woke and it hit me like a brick that she was gone. It was so fresh the heartache. I got up and the pain just increased. Wanted desperately to pass urine but couldn't. Could hardly pass a drop. So hotwater bottle painkillers and laid on sofa feeling so utterly hopless. By 1 I was feeling better. Bladder felt like Id been kicked but not too bad. We drove to a TK Max, 11 ml away, that had just opened. As I browsed thinking these clothes are not for me, came to jewellery section and it was Aladdins Cave. Fell in love with bracelet (had love in tiny letters engraved on diamanté bar). Bought it. On way out saw face creams. Lots of good brands. Bought a very reasonable Retinol night cream. Felt a bit like a 'woman' again. Lots of reasons that I haven't felt like one for ages. So terrible morning but a few nice hrs.
Btw-anyone know how to get rid of brown blotches(age spots but dont like to say it) on back of hands?

Whiff I am so sorry for all you have been through. Why your son turned against you like that has no reason. I can only suspect outside influences. I don’t know how you ever come to terms with that but in so glad you found the estrangement thread a support. It does happen for so many. Smileless is lovely. I have come across her posts on many threads. A good support for those struggling to come to terms with estrangement.
Your craft group sounds just the sort of thing we could all do with in our lives. Such a fun group so pleased you support each other.
Wyllow glad you managed some time in the gym. Could you not place your treadmill somewhere where you can leave it set up. Ours is under the dining table all set and ready to go.
DH and I walked to the chemist today. The longest walk we’ve done in ages. I find I can’t walk in a straight line I wobble from side to side. My back ached and I was exhausted by the time we got home but we made it.
We are here Wyllow and not going anywhere or leaving you alone. It is hard for you and a long road ahead but whilst not looking back, see how far you’ve come. I think a new home somewhere of your choosing in a location that suits with some companionship is what you need plus some interesting hobby that taxes your obviously very clever mind in some way but not in the mental health way. Don’t look to far ahead, the vastness can be scary. One day at a time and one foot in front of the other and we will all get there together. x

Reaching out: Need some understanding: after I post that I went for a sleep, and when I woke up I felt utterly empty alone and life not worth living.

My head is an unfair place to live in.

I worked so hard in getting this space after overdoing it mentally and physically for a long time, and once I do the Black dog moves in with a vengeance. Now its frightening alone emptiness heard ro bear and frightening stretching ahead.

No wonder I get driven to force events when this seems the alternative.

Whiff those hurts are likely not to go away: so hard to live with. Sounds like a wonderful group.

Yesterday was better but I did a wrecking thing late at night and a bit too much wine which meant the peace had gone in my head. Extra meds when I'd promised to limit them. (they are the sort of meds that contributes to slowing bowel, pelvic floor down, so always stupid to go on a wrecking spree.

But I did get out to the gym: decided to sort of start from scratch so just did the physio stuff, a little bit more, and a 10 min walk on the treadmill.
Alas the treadmill I bought for home sitting there in my kitchen - no longer suitable as its too heavy to lift the mechanism up and down to store.

Anyone want a super-dooper treadmill....

I have been afraid of going out on walks outside in case the bad back twinge suddenly happens. Aim is to get back to not feeling afraid of doing that.

I know what you mean abut the guilt bit Sweetpeasue. But we are in effect reducing waiting lists. I was brought up so strongly pro-NHS I too used to feel it was a bad thing to do, but times have changed. I dont think you will ever get that apology:

I never will for a couple of very bad things that happened in the MH system, and what is worse the letter that recommended my discharge with so many incorrect statements in and so badly written in 2017 remains in my notes: fortunately what is happening in the present ameliorates it, in fact de facto contradicts it without anything being written. A 1 2 1 apology would have healed a great deal: however I consider myself fortunate now to have the support I do given the current situation in the NHS, and enough money for a counsellor and occasional physio.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. This thread everyone here supports eachother. It's not a doom and gloom thread but one of hope ,lasting friendships and a place to feel safe.

Smiles helped me via PM for months after my son decided I was no longer his mom. Because of her understanding and support I found the courage to post opening on the support thread on the estrangement forum and very glad I did . Estrangement happens more than people think but it is still a taboo subject . It may seem odd but I didn't know it was called estrangement. People automatically blame the parents that we must have done something to make our child or in some cases children decide they no longer want us in their or our grandchildren's life. But for many like me and Smiles our children did it in a cruel and cowardly way . My son did it via email and follow up letter 3 months later . In his email after accusing me of things that didn't happen and things he assumed how I reacted he ended by saying I love you mom but don't like you give me some time. This was May 2020 . I knew they where expecting a third son in July . As it was my son's birthday and his second sons birthday the same day in August I sent birthday cards and in my sons card a cheque and a letter didn't mention the email just kept it light also he knew I was waiting for a bubble echo on my heart so I told him the results. Birth presents and card. The day after their birthday everything can back unopened and the babies presents had been crushed . As if someone had held them and crushed them in their hands. And the letter calling me vindictive and manipulative and stating he didn't want me anywhere near his family ever again . Zero contact. Luckily my daughter was here that day with her eldest she was pregnant at the time. I gave her the baby things to give to a charity she supports that helps families expecting babies. What hurts me most is we didn't bring him up to be cruel and cowardly and it would have been his 32nd birthday . When I moved here I saw him every week with his 2 eldest for 7 months and they loved coming here he told me they got excited when they realised where they were going. Covid then hit but still kept in touch. He gave me a wonderful birthday Covid rules permitting and 4 days later the email.

The support thread on estrangement saved me and found I wasn't alone . Some like Smiles have been estranged for 10+ years. But it's still a taboo subject. The support thread has been running for 10 years and is needed more now than ever. My son used to beable to talk to my husband and me about anything, then just me after my husband died. I used to think he was like his dad. But he and my daughter in law have shown themselves to be like my in laws but at least my in laws had the guts to say and do horrible things to our face. They both know what a bad mother,mother in law and grandmother is they both knew my husband's mom . His dad had died when our son was 8 months old . In my father in law's eyes the only good thing we did was having the children he adored them . Pity he knew showed my husband that love and attention. My mother in law took against my daughter from the first time she held her as she cried but was all my son until he got a mind of his own.

Mental health used to be a taboo subject. Thankfully mental health has come out of the shadows and people feel happier talking about their problems . Far to long it had been viewed as a weakness. But you have all shown such strength and courage to admit you struggle . But you don't give up . Because of you all I realised physical problems has a knock on effect on your mental health and mental health problems can cause physical problems. It's like your brain saying I need you to stop over thinking and whether or not it decides you need to rest and have a nap or do physical work which doesn't need thinking about but just do. Our minds can be out worst enemy at times but at other times it protects us. The Brain Charity is there for everything neurological which includes all mental health problems as you may or not think of mental health as a neurological condition but it is.

My craft group has a mix of women with mental , physical or both problems . We are a strange band but it works. In another life we would never have met but I am so glad I joined a week after my move in 2019. Covid hit was hard as we didn't have our what's app group then. But once we could met again one of the founders of our group set it up. So in daily contact with them . I hope this makes you smile one of our members made a cake and posted a picture and it sank in the middle . So she called it a bum hole cake . After that things went of weird to funny. One of our group googled bum hole cakes and posted pictures of cakes deliberately made to look like bottom's things only got funnier and ruder after that. The next days topic of conversation was incontinence pads ,shopping and jet washing the patio. I wish everyone had a group like mine . But somehow we just clicked . Had another new member yesterday . I asked had we scared her off but she said no she loved the fact we talked about anything and cared about eachother. My apple cake and cheese biscuits all went along with all the surplus veg plants I had got.

Sweetpeasue sorry you are having the run around. When one specialist tells you to do one thing then is contradicted by another you try and do wants right but it's all so confusing. I have found my GP receptionists very helpful and they have explained things to me in plain English. I have to write everything down so I do everything correctly as I forget. I have found consultant secretaries very helpful as well. But sometimes we are overloaded by instructions. And it takes a long time before consultants send any information to your GP surgery. I hope everything gets sorted out soon and you get the help you need.

Wyllow glad you where able to rebook your decorator. It's gives you more time to get things sorted ready and a chance for a declutter if you want or need to do it . I found decluttering before my move not only decluttered my house but meant it decluttered my mind and could finally let go of things I had held on to far to long. Routine helps me cope so set myself a target each day off clearing so many cupboards etc. And packed what I wanted to keep ready for my move. As I did it all on my own it made sense to declutter and pack at the same time. Plus I could take my time.

HVDY some men are like that and still view women as eye candy and think women like it. It's the old way of thinking. And unfortunately they won't change. I had been widowed a few years and at the ATM where I used to live and an old man asked me if I could show him how to use it. So I did. Then suddenly he kissed me and asked for my number I was so shocked I didn't know what to do and dashed into the charity shop and explained what happened. What I should have done is slapped his face and gave him abuse but I never saw it coming plus I was over 19st in those days and didn't consider myself attractive. It really shocked me. I had been with my husband since I was 16 and he 18. Its like the time when I moved here and sat in the front of the taxi and as I do I chatter . The driver was a widower. When I repeated the conversation to my daughter she said he was chatting you up and seeing if I was up for a date. I was so clueless I never realised. I know I looked ok as I had lost 7st but never thought of me as attractive or would get chatted up. It's attention I don't want it need to me I am still married.

As usual rambled on . Sorry didn't get round to everyone as responding to page 29.

Thank you all for your support and kindness.

Nadateturbe All I can say is Thankyou. I'm so confused right now as is the right thing to do but also feel shortchanged as to what's happened. I'm meaning the way I was treated originally after op went wrong. I do realise I will not be compensated or apologised for that. An apology would be an admission that they did wrong. It's not going to happen. Thank you though for helping me with conscience.

That was horrible with your ear, Doodle. Hey well done in venturing into buying some make up. Experiment!

What I would do is go to the beautician who does my electrolysis and had a couple of facials in the past and ask for an advice session. Nice 1 2 1, not public, choose a nice ordinary not posh beauty place. Actually in the menu to the right on the Gransnet page is "Advice on beauty" tho I haven't looked at it.

nadateturbe good to hear son news.

Night BD's one and all.

Sweetpeasue Doodle is right. You're actually helping people waiting for NHS appointments, and you have waited long enough.
Wyllow3 great news that you were able to postpone decorating. What a relief for you.
Doodle You must have been so tired to fall asleep in the middle of typing.
I like my face done too. Makes you feel better. I discovered sponges for applying foundation just this year, it makes such a difference. Can't believe I didn't know about them until my 70s.
HVDY cake, mousse, fruit crumble, my mouth is watering.
Doodle my son is in England. I haven't seen him for 2 years.

Goodnight all.x

Thankyou so much Doodle I have been feeling awful about it.
The YOU we know is a beautiful person inside and out.

Sweetpeasue you’re not queue jumping. Goodness knows you’ve waited long enough for help. Private Consultants can’t do NHS work in private time so you aren’t taking anything away from another patient. If anything you’re making the waiting list shorter.
Not really bothered by the assistant (you were right about the shop) . I don’t really let people like that bother me. I’m me. Never been glamorous or good looking but just me. Never wanted to be anyone else. Ear is better now thanks. Don’t know why it gets like that sometimes. Hope you sleep well.
HVDY that poor woman. Not being able to eat proper food.
He may well be lonely but not the best way to go around making friends.

Doodle Glad your wrist wasn't hurting too much today but wish your body would give you a rest--now your ear. Must be very uncomfortable I do hope that eases before bedtime. Oh dear, the make up assistant. I bet that did your confidence a lot of good! Just one look at the spruced up immaculate make up assistants in House of Fraser
and I felt I was 2inches tall. Could never approach any but I'm thinking you were maybe somewhere like Boots? I hope the make up you chose might turn out to be a nice surprise and you like it. I'm another who can't go out without my face on.
The mix up with hospitals was much more complicated. When my original Urologist said he'd refer me to this other one I thought it was under NHS. I said how long would it take and his repl was'It's the NHS'. I said I might have to go private if the wait is long. I got a call about a week later from private hospital giving me the date for a private appt. I just decided there and then to 'go for it' but hadn't decided to go private myself until that mistake was made. When the complications happened today I got back to secretary and she'd said my 'own' GP had sent me for the NHS consultation. (I dont thing she'd agreed (as consultant said GP would have to) to the operation being done at private hospital without the usual channels. I'm left feeling a bit guilty as if I've somehow tried to jump the queue but I've only done what the consultants told me to do.
Sorry gone on.
I hope you get a good night's rest and ear stops hurting. (and makeup ok!)
Scaredycat Hope you're settling in and have a nice time.

Doodle His wife doesn't go anywhere - she had mouth cancer 10 years ago and because of the operations, she cannot swallow proper food (pureed stuff only) and her speech has been affected. I gave him a lift home a few weeks ago, met her and chatted in their house for 1/2 an hour. I gave her some books one week. He and she are both lonely in their own ways. I've always worn the whole face - more so now, because I flush a lot (Rosacea) when I'm warm. It was honey & mustard chicken, potatoes and veg, then fruit crumble. Sorry about your ear. It sounds a bit odd. Has it worn off now?

SweetpeaSue The man hasn't got dementia. I think he says things for effect. During the quiz, he pretended to be asleep and said "Kill me now, I'm bored".

HVDY That man is making my blood boil! What is it that makes some men feel able to make personal comments about women like that? He probably thinks he's being funny.
Obvs, excused if as Wyllow said he has early sign of Dementia.
Blasted rude.
I'm grumpeasue today!

Well, I’ve had a change today. Instead of my wrist hurting it was my ear. Stabbing pains and very tender for some reason. Don’t know what causes it but I’ve had it before several times. It will wear off. Went to choose some make up in town and had help from a most uninterested assistant. In the end I chose stuff because I couldn’t be bothered any more.
nadateturbe you must be so excited. Does your son live far away?
Sweetpeasue probably not you just me getting the wrong end of the stick again.
That business with the consultant seems very complicated. As you’ve just has a consultation why do you need another. I would phone thé surgery again and ask them to clarify why you have been told to make this appointment. Perhaps ask to speak to your GPS secretary and explain it to her and ask her to find out what’s going on. Perhaps they have had contact from the urologist. You have every right to ask. It’s your body and your health. You should be able to understand what’s happening and what’s planned. I feel so sorry and so helpless for you.
Dear Whiff it’s not a burden at all. If it helps you to talk it out we are only to ready to listen. I can’t imagine how hard life is without your DH and how upset you are to have lost contact with your son. You have tried your best and if he doesn’t want to know there isn’t much more you can do.
We parents always want to protect our children and sometimes that means hiding things from them. I’m glad your daughter is ok with things and it’s good she wants you to see someone.
I’m glad you are getting help from the Brain charity. You certainly deserve PIP. Hope it works this time.
They sound nice people. I Hope it helps. We are always here for you to talk to. You don’t have to worry what you write here we will always listen.
Hope craft group went well and tonight is more peaceful for you
Wyllow glad you got to see your psychologist. You seem to get on well. If we have problems I think all of us are guilty of try to find magic solutions to fix everything. I know I do it.
Good you’ve sorted the decorator, one less thing to worry about. If you’ve never been happy where you are it sounds a good reason to move when the time is right for you..
In the middle of typing this I fell asleep. Just woken up again and thought it was morning 🤣
Smileless Lovely to hear from you and what a nice post in support of Whiff. Please post again whenever you feel like it. All are welcome here.
HVDY sounds like you have an admirer. Does his wife come to the day centre too? Not very nice for her if he behaves like that. I never go out without my ‘face on’ either.
Did you have a nice meal?
Scaredycat glad you are there ok. Now relax and enjoy yourself. Thanks for popping in.