Black Dog 16

Hello everyone, not great recently, pain and fatigue. Just doing word puzzles as they distract me from it.
Thinking of you all. xx

Wyllow Nice for you to get pictures and to have a chat with your son. Your younger days sound adventurous. You rebel. . I hope your back is feeling better today.

Doodle I have felt low and irritable, and I know mood swings can be caused by the steroids. I'm certainly not easy to live with. Your poor husband. Does he use a dosette box for his tablets? I do, for all the morning ones. I hope your wrist is less painful. It's not easy to get comfortable with a plaster on.

EllieAnne If a couple of drinks now and then helps you to sleep, why not? I hope your day goes well.

Candy Yes, it's the eldest GD who is being bullied (12 next month). Her mum has enrolled her at the gym, so she's going to go (with mum) before school). My Son2 was head-butted and had a black eye, by some little thug, at the age of 6! I always blame the parents. My own sons didn't ever bully anyone. How long have you got left at work?

SweetpeaSue, ScaredyCat, Whiff, Nadatertuurbe, all BDers - hope the day goes well for you all.

I got up at 7, showered, washed my hair, etc (daft when I'm going to aqua aerobics), and am going to do less moaning today x

I was glad to hear that other DS came by today, Doodle, must have been nice when you cant get out very much.

Meds and sleep - my ordinary meds hard to tell tbh,

but I am in no doubt that Tramadol can affect sleep and it wouldn't surprise me, given my waking reaction, if it were to cause dreams.

However, it's a trade off, isnt it? Better than pain. Not surprised that DH wakes wondering when the next tablet is due! Mine are regular enough now and if in doubt I do one day ahead in a container and check it, but your DH has been off and on all sorts irregularly.

Sweetpeasue you say, "I think they are so busy that we are not on their minds as much as they are on ours. Just a generalisation. I don't know." I'm sure you are right about that.

My mum wasn't on mine unless something particularly needful was happening -with small children one lives so much in the immediate necessaries and tomorrow's necessaries. Its the wisdom of age - tell people you love them (or at least are thinking of them) everyone needs to know.

You make an interesting point on that one EllieAnne, "But I don’t think any of them see me as a real person".

I dont think I begun to see my mum, given the complexity of our relationship, as a whole person and how she came to be how she was until after she died. Whether it's because of my own increasing experience of ageing, (and MH insights) or that it was easier to see things as a whole afterwards, I don't know.
But in terms of how I'd like my DS to seem, its being understood, which is a bigger "Ask" than for me of my mum!

Candy that was an intriguing and wise commentary about your son. I'm glad the post-seeing depressions have lifted, but you introduce an interesting element - that some of our children have done more/seen more/experienced more than we ever did. Certainly true for aspects of my sons life. and that is a mixed blessing. it shows what we have given them, that they are free to do it, OTOH well certainly for me he's done things I know I now never will.

Mind you, I wouldn't change my 20's, for they were in the 1970's and I had a pretty alternative and varied life and several relationships before I settled down. Part of history now, but I still have a couple of posters from my time on demonstrations and the like. Blind confidence, where did it go? I hitch hiked round Brittany on my own for a week...

Evening all I composed the response below earlier but it did not send and I’ve noticed some of you have posted since so I’ll respond to those tomorrow. I hope those of you in turmoil and pain have a restful night. Sleep for me now xx

Hi all, so sorry not been reading as a very busy and full weekend with my son. I’m all caught up now though. I’ve achieved something this weekend that I never thought I would - I’ve actually spend time with my son without being majorly triggered. It used to be a horrendous time when we parted and I suffered a lot. My counsellor thought It was a ptsd response and was triggered due to all I’d been through with him. It’s a long story that I won’t go into but today, although I found it incredibly sad leaving him, it felt more “normal”. I still feel sad and regretful. It’s a two way thing really. I not only miss him but I think I’m triggered by the fact that I wish I’d have been brave enough to do what he’s done. I love cities, I really do. I love the busyness, the noise, the lifestyle and I wish I’d done it. In fact, if it wasn’t for my daughter and DGS living close to me, I’d move there. It’d be a win win I feel for me - close to my son and lead a different lifestyle but I feel the opportunity has passed me by and I’m not sure living there would be the same as you get older. It can’t happen anyway as I could never leave my DGS but I am so grateful today that I can now visit easier and not go through the hell when we part. I know it may sound trivial and difficult to understand, but it’s the way it was. It must be the AD’s that have helped and I’m grateful for that. Anyway, I’ve loved every minute of my weekend and am now on the way back home. Enough about me now.
HVDY I’m so glad you had a good day with your DGD’s. The weather has been lovely this weekend and it always helps when we can do things outside. Was it one of them that is being bullied? If so, I hope it’s given her some respite from her sadness. It must be awful for you all. I’d hate it if it was my DGS. The fact that the ringleader has been suspended says it all but surely the school have grounds for expulsion? there’s a young boy in my DGS’s school (he’s only 6) who’s the same. Punched my DGS in the face when he first started as he didn’t like the fact that my DGS was being popular as he was the “new boy”. It had happened before, parents brought in numerous times, but just don’t care. There’s no hope. I hope she has a better week this week 🤞.
Wyllow sorry you’ve had some bad episodes but it’s pleased you’re going to get support with your possible house move. That must make you feel more positive about it all. The M&S option may be helpful to you although probably not financially. But at least it’s there if you need it. Your meeting with your first ex seems to have gone well. It’s good when we can laugh. I think we notice it more when we haven’t for a long time. It’s obviously part of the depression. I hope your op goes well on Tuesday.
Nadatertuurbe hope you are ok and enjoyed your soup. I like soup, it’s the only thing I like about the winter 😂 I don’t tend to have it in the warmer months.
Doodle you’re so right about staying with the easy option and not moving. I do all sorts to talk myself out of it, same with my job, so much effort to move forward. yes, I stayed with my son. It’s the last time I’ll be able to do so as he’s moving shortly from a 2 bed flat to a 1 bed. He’s renting at the moment but buying his next place and it’s all he can afford. We would have like to help him out more but it’s another £200,000 for a 2 bed! I’m sorry you are being troubled with your cast and tinnitus. I hope you get some help tomorrow. Glad your DH’s results were ok. Good you had a visit from son and DGS too. Family time is so lovely.
Sweetpeasue yes, my job does give me focus. It’s not ideal on lots of counts, but the actual people I work with are fine, it’s the managers that are difficult and we’re treated like children. Most people feel the same. If I continue to improve mentally, maybe I’ll pluck up the courage to leave. We’ll see. How nice you can play the piano. We always had a piano at home when I was young but I was never interested, which is a shame. I’m glad you enjoy it and it gives you pleasure. I’m sorry you’ve been in pain. I hope it has eased now and your appointment with the urologist gives you the answers you clearly so need. It will be nice to have your son back home. I’ll bet you are looking forward to it.
Ellie Anne I’m glad that woman was nice to you. I hope that continues. I hope your weekend has been ok, I know they’re sometimes bad for you. We’re here.
Scaredycat nice you enjoy photography. I didn’t realise you don’t need expensive equipment to join the U3A groups. I did look at U3A when i first retired but didn’t join - that how I ended up going back to work! I hope your GD paints something nice for her competition. Hope the reduction of your AD’s goes ok too.

Thanks everyone. I’m glad that I’ve spoken to her. But I will never get involved again.
Wyllow I think it is hard to share with ac. I don’t tell mine much. I share more with one d in l but I don’t know if she passes it on. But I don’t think any of them see me as a real person.
Hvdy maybe you are tired after yesterday and needed a lazy day.
Had a concert in a local church for charity tonight. Most was ok but we messed up one song. We have a few weeks to practice before our main concert.
I’m glad am not the only one who drinks too much at times.
Last night I knew I had overdone it but I did sleep better. Good night all.

Doodle It is hard to know how much to tell our AC and still maintain an honest connection. I think all of us need to feel we are wanted by them and loved--though inevitably, I think they are so busy that we are not on their minds as much as they are on ours. Just a generalisation. I don't know.
Your DH must be on so many meds, Im not surprised he dreams about them. I hope your elbow isnt so swollen and painful today. You must be finding it so hard to do the simplest things and I hope you're managing to sleep as it's so cumbersome.
I only have Tramadol when I get the pain as I think I'd be taking an extra dose when it wouldnt be necessary. I get the pain when my bladder has only a little amount of urine in it, and it feels distended and burns like acid inside bladder. Then it relieves pain temporarily when I pass it.
Wishing you a peaceful night to you both.
Hoping all BDs are ok. x

Sweetpeasue even better your son will love the herb pot. Both of mine cook too.
It’s hard to know what to do with our children even though they are adult now. I try not to worry ours with things but do keep them up to date with what’s happening with their dad. I think ours sons protect us too. Things they have kept quiet about so as not to worry us.
Maybe your body click is wrong. DH always went to the loo more at night than during the day. Do you take the tramadol every night whether you are in pain or not? Just wonder if it would help if you took it earlier.
Hope you have a better night.
Wyllow funny how some good news is often followed by us feeling down or low. Glad you took the opportunity to speak to your son. Hope it helps.
So pleased he’s come back to you since so your mind is more at rest. Hope the back is better tonight. Sciatica is so painful.
Do the drugs induce bad dreams for you?
DH often has dreams about having to take more medication. So believable he has to wake me up to ask if he should.
I Hope all goes well Tuesday and the alien is banished.
HVDY what a lovely day your DGDs must have had with you,. A real treat.
Those steroid side effects are awful. You sound quite down which could also be an effect of coming off them. Happened to my DH too.
Hopefully the bloating will subside. If you don’t get anything useful from your contact number I would definitely go to your GP about how you feel and your legs. Don’t leave it till October.
Ellie Anne you did well to confront that woman. Hopefully she will realise she was in the wrong but I would be careful about getting involved with her again. There are days when I want a good drink too. Helps me to unwind.
Had a nice visit from other son today. Haven’t seen him for a while. Nice to catch up.

Aw, HVDY glad you came in. Have a hug and take good care. I don't know anything about steroids but it seems to me its an essential idea to ring to try and get some help and advice.

and like Sweetpeasue said you gave the family such a super day. What goes around comes around and I know how much they will appreciate you.

DS sent a couple of pix and we had an ordinary exchange so clearly I am not Now Banned...

HVDY It's a long time to wait until October. Think I'd def try to get through on that number over next couple of days. It might help your peace of mind to get some feedback about it.

Thanks, SweetpeaSue. I had 4 weeks of 10 pills a day, then a week of 9 daily, and a week of 8 daily. (7 a day now for the next week). The course will finish mid-July. I don't recognise my face in a mirror . I've written all these things down but don't see the Neurologist until October. I've got a number to ring, so will try to speak with someone tomorrow or Tuesday. Yes, it was a lovely day yesterday. Tomorrow will hopefully be better. Thanks. I hope you have abetter day, too x

Oh HVDY That's awful. I was wondering how you were getting on with the steroids. You are taking a lot of them, far more than I had to with Polymyalgia. When do you next see GP. Wonder if you should mention this new rash, as you say, you've not had any benefits yet. You have a lot going on there and you've every right to feel fed up with it all. You did marvellous yesterday to give your grandchildren such a good day with all that's going on for you. Hope you have a much better day tomorrow. x

Wyllow I wondered if you'd be low after having been so productive recently. I think talking to adult children about feelings etc., is good, as they can see us as people, not just mum. Those horrible dreams can be quie unsettling, can't they? Not nice.

SweetpeaSue Your pain sounds horrendous. I try to have my last drink (water with my AD) at about 10pm, but drink quite a bit during the day (3 pints of fluids).

I've been quite low today - in fact, I haven't even bothered to shower or get dressed, which really isn't like me. I'm having a lot of side-effects of the steroids (started 7 daily for a week now, so reducing weekly) - massively swollen face, hot flushes, irritability, hunger, nausea, headache. Not noticed any benefits at all - still getting the burning sensation on lower legs and feet, the rash is still there, and a new rash appeared on one foot yesterday. In the big scheme of things, it's nothing compared to what you're all going through, but I'm utterly fed-up. Tomorrow's another day, though.......... x

Thank you for your loving and understanding response Sweetpeasue so very very welcome.

I too thought about you after your good day and know what's coming up for you early next week and I wish you all the good things you wished for me! x

Sorry, I posted too early.
HVDYWhat a lovely full day you
had with your GDs. They must have really enjoyed that and will remember these times with you as they get older. I imagine you will have been happily exhausted last night. Hope you've had a nice day today.
Wyllow I had a feeling you would be feeling down after your really good day. I was wondering how you were this morning. Your back pain will sap any mental energy and it makes it very hard to see beyond the physical obstacles of a painful condition. My counsellor suggested me opening up more to sons but I know how you feel there. I've opened up a little to son 2 though it's not something Ive felt I can do with the other. Even so, I know I could never reveal most of how I feel as I don't feel it's 'right' somehow. At least for me.
I believe at certain times, sharing with an AC can be a good thing as it helps them to see us as vulnerable human beings too. They are adults so I think they are capable of some emotional understanding.
I do see where you are coming from though.
Re the dream-- they can be v cruel can't they? It can take a while to think clearly and 'see' them for what they are.
Thank goodness for your Quakers. They are a such a calming, stabilising influence for you.

I don3like taking ibuprofen sometimes but when pain is bad I usually take 2 or 3 doses that day as I wonder if bladder lining is inflamed. I worry about effects on tum but no easy answers. I think once that op is out the way you'll feel there is that bit less to cope with.

I had really bad night painwise. Pain feels like red hot poker searing through bladder and continues past endurance level really. Try to put up with it as long as I can then take the Tramadol which takes at least half n hr to have any effect. Still going every hr during night but not during day. All I can think of is we drink a lot less in those 8 or so hrs in bed than in day so urine more concentrated/toxic on B lining.
Ive been mostly fine today. Strange. Im so scared about future investigations. Although I had this IC before I feel its been aggravated by all the pelvic nerve pains after op. No point 'going there'. Its done. I do see that. Makes me angry to think of it though.

Wondering how you all have been today. Much love.

EllieAnne So glad you faced the 'awkward' woman while shopping. You could have avoided her but you didn't. That was brave and I hope now it will mean you'll not be so afraid of her. Perhaps she was charming as she knew she had behaved badly, I don't know, but you have conquered that fear.You seem aware that you can overdo it with a drink now and then. We all have occasions when we feel we will have the odd one extra. As long as you are aware that it can make us depressed too. I'm not surprised you are seeking comfort in your home situation. Take care of yourself. x

Afternoon BD's.
Yesterday was so bad I coudn't come in. Thursday and Friday and been active and Friday actually good I knew there might be a bounce back but there was a black hole physically and mentally beyond fears.... not just the CFS exhaustion and pain but my back - had to admit its sciatica or version of as nerves are involved after all - couldn't walk - very bad. In the evening I got some pix from DiL and in the following WhatsApp spilt the beans moderately re mood and still all the Ex stuff.

Cue WhatsApp from DS did I want to chat. Decided yes, and told him more than ever before truth of mood and new of not moving to be near them. He was acute enough to say, "is it partly because you should have been here this weekend" Yes. I said more about my MH and MH generally than I think I ever had, which felt a Terrible Risk, as I have a lifelong fear of bringing loved ones own with me, drawing them into the nightmare. And talked a bit about Ex and the trauma still there.

I think it was OK, I lack good judgmental such and enormous thing. I even dared to say it would be nice if he could very occasionally visit if he has time and a couple of kids to hand if opportunity presents. This is something counsellors have suggested I do but still not sure if its the right thing. Fear of loss is very strong, isnt it?

After all that I took yet more meds to be able to sleep. I woke up to a dream where Ex had called looking terrible and helpless with two young people who were into drugs. (last year he did get involved with some people like that as part of the nightmare time). Guilt, guilt. The stage thing was I went back in and remarked to my partner (who?) he needed sectioning and help. That was poignant as there is no one.

Today Quakers was lovely and I went to the gym and did my physio exercises but just woke from sleep dreading the week ahead - the operation Tuesday and even the nice things (gardener, new fridge-freezer) All Too Much. But there is the psychologist on Thursday.

I wish I could let the little good things like the lovely day comfort me but....

Ellie Anne I was very glad to read of the encounter in the supermarket. Its clear she realises she had to make nice which would lift a "dread" for me too. Now you can be pleasant but distant! I'll let you in on the truth that I probably drink a bit too much too. Takes the edge off. Sorry to go on - it helps share. M health stuff is a barsteward.

Doodle thinking of you with the wretched plaster to be bourne and hope the check up tomorrow can help in some way. A lighter plaster would be nice!

Well done for managing the aunt and planting the herbs up Sweetpeasue. I just hope the pain didn't descend too badly. I'm aware of you appointment coming up and the complex feelings you will have.

What a lovely day HVDY it warms me to think of it. It will be hard for today to be as nice!

yes -the hazards of Tramadol and bunging you up. As I have to take laxatives all the time it means extra, but worth it for the pain. Glad it's there. Its quite some time away but I have an MOT with the GP coming up to try and put everything together - barium meal result should be back by then - taking ibuprofen is also something I want to ask about because its another good drug against back stuff but I believe had tum effects.

Bests for all BD's always in my mind if you write or not x

Doodle I have to say, my wrist was painful even after I had the cast off (after 4 weeks), and was weak for quite a long time - I'd had to have mine manipulated (the bone broke and the ends overlapped). I hope you get some relief from yours soon. Nice for you to see your son and GS.

SweetpeaSue Good of you to plant things for your son. My Son2 grows a lot of herbs and uses them in his cooking every day. Hope you have a better night.

EllieAnne Glad the awkward woman was ok with you. Beware of her changing again though.

Had a lovely day with the GDs. DH too. We had them from 12 noon until 10pm! Went to a nice park, took a picnic. They went on the swings etc. Then another local park, then The Pudding Pantry, then back to ours for a dinner that they requested - a chicken, veg, pasta, creme fraiche thing I make. Then we watched a film, had some snacks before I took them home. Long, but enjoyable day. Hope all BDers have a restful night x

Drinking too much tonight. Saw the awkward woman at the supermarket today. Was going to avoid her but decided to face it. She was very charming. Showed me her rescue dog ( he is cute) and no mention of the horrible messages. So I let it go. I’m glad . Now I don’t have to dread seeing her. Hope Hvdy had a good time with her gds. and thinking of everyone else.

So sorry Doodle I meant planted a herb pot for my son. He's very much into cooking so when he comes back from work in a couple of weeks I'll give him it. x

Sweetpeasue. Your aunt must have enjoyed her trip out. Nice idea to plant herbs for her son. Do you get on well?
Hope you have a peaceful night too.

HVDY Hope youve had a good time today with your 2 GDs.

Doodle Lovely seeing your son n GS today. That elbow sounds nasty and painful due to all that swelling. I hope it's 'normal' to be like that.
I just take Tramadol when the pain starts as it gets pretty bad. Difficult to say how often. It can be twice in a day if v bad or once. I have to take a movicol(laxido) sachet or 2 if I take painkiller.
Hope you and DH have a good night.

Took aunt out to supermarket and cafe this morning. Planted tub of herbs up for son for when he comes back offshore.
Feeling low as think pain is starting up. V tired.

Hope you are all ok on BD and have a peaceful night. x

Thanks for the suggestions. I’m ok really. It’s been better today but now my elbow is playing up. I’m sure it’s all normal.
My elbow is huge and black but I think the swelling and colour are fading so on the right track. Had lovely visit from son and DGS today. So nice to see them. Other son coming tomorrow.
wyllow we were going for a walk today but had visit instead.
How has your day been.
Sweetpeasue must be nice to be able to play the piano.
Do you take the tramadol more than once dose a day? DH finds it does help his shoulder pain. Trouble is the constipation side effects. I have tried leaving the sling off a bit today to lighten the load on my neck. Waiting to see what Monday brings.
HVDY it’s reassuring to hear that you had the same sort of sensations. Not sure how long the cast will be in for. Going to hospital Monday so might find out then.
Hope you had a lovely picnic with the girls.

Doodle I seem to remember similar sensations in my hand/fingers/wrist when I broke mine. It's probably likely to be because of restrictions due to the cast. You'll be glad to get the cast off. Is it on for 4 weeks? I hope you and your husband manage to get out today. The weather's going to be nice.

Wyllow, SweetpeaSue, ScaredyCat and all others - hope you all manage to have a decent day.

I've showered, dressed, done my hair and make-up, all ready to see our girls . Love to all x

ScaredycatThankyou. I think the weekend weather is meant to be good most places. Will you get out for a walk? Yes playing my piano can be very relaxing. If the neighbours are in I don't like to play so quite restricted. I can't play very much by ear like your own dear mother did. I'm sure you could still learn if you wanted to. Why not give it a go?
Doodle You'll be glad when the plaster comes off. Hope the nerve pain goes soon, if that's what it is. GP said to take as needed, though dosage no more than 2, 4 times a dy. I hope you can both get out for a little walk this weekend. DH had this sponge thing he put behind the neck under the sling but it would just fall out. I 'm not sure if you can get other more comfortable slings from a chemist. Might be worth asking if you're near one.

Candy, Whiff, Allsorts Nanny and all BDs wishing you all a peaceful night rest. x

Doodle sorry its nerve pain - trouble is you can't wiggle anything to get things moving. Volterol rubbed over hands any good?
Sling any good to hold your arm close to your body and wrist/hand up across your body? To stop everything draining downwards?
If its sunny tomorrow a walk might lift the spirits a bit. Talk about *ods law what you've both been through.

Yes the last thing you want is to be accused of leaks ending up downstairs.