Black Dog 16

Great sympathies re savings - mine are small, I decided that lump was more distressing than savings, so anxious and too much else going on and needing to get it done

and I think you are in a worse situation health wise as regards pain relief Sweetpeasue. Only you can mae the decision x

I had the most horrific night depression wise got to point of thinking "how to" - and wanted to ring crisis team in the night but its never any use in the night unless you've reached "I am"so decided to today.
Unfortunately I have my cleaner at 9 and can't get onto MH asap. so had extra meds - woke early and went to supermarket to get money for cleaner and had little food in the house.

We are due to tackle the garage together. Ex left it in a terrible state, in his v ill bit he decided to turn the garage into a pullman carriage,
knocked part of a back wall out,
painted the garage train colours,
and when I got home found he had a very public garage sale going on. Neighbours must have been speculating like mad and maybe aren't surprised I'm alone now, but the lovely bloke across the road was not only very kind but recommended the solicitor who helped me so much last year.

So its an emotional task as well as practical. sigh, as is every time I look out into the garden where we did actually create something beautiful together.

I've mostly re painted the garage but its inside... Ciggie ends over the floor tho I've had one go clearing.

Doodle as Sweetpeasue says you are indeed so perceptive.
I'm so glad you had a nice time yesterday. Back later.
Sending a big hug to you Sweetpeasue.

I did ge the garage done really well with the help and saved the feelings for later, I had a very nice MH worker ring me in the end around 3pm, and a very long howl after. I know they know, which is what is important not just in the now but one term.

long term not one term.

Wyllow That must have been hard doing the garage but in a way it will have helped to distract you from your feelings. Sorry you had such a bad night. Im glad the crisis team are there for you but you did so well to hold all that in until you could speak to your counsellor. Think you probably needed that cry.
Nadateturbe Thankyou so much for your hug. Hope youve been ok today. I'd be hopeless at painting but it must be nice to have that gift.

Ive had a good day and can't understand it. Slept ok and bladder just felt like it had been kicked but not usual bad pain of late. In supermarket felt like dancing to background music! It was wonderful to feel 'normal'. Son back so called in on him. He'd asked if we could pick DGS up from school. While there my pain suddenly came on. Worse after passing urine. Couldnt believe it and felt so upset but risked agreeing to get DGS as knew DH could take him back to his house and stop with him till son got back. Luckily pain eased and had good few hrs - taught DGS draughts. Now pain coming back. Hoping it wont be full blown attack but today has been much better.
I do hope everyone has been ok today. x

I'm both glad you've had good bits Sweetpeasue and so sorry to hear when it hit you - more hugs. Hoping it will not be too bad.

Warm wave Nadateturbe.

I was crying over Ex. It is so rare for me to be able to cry and let it out.
Yes gt a later for him this morning and was suspicious from the bit I could see on the envelope. He had given my address 6 months after moving to hire a car, had got a ticket, done nothing, and I rung the number on the back and realised it ...was a bailiffs warning for 7 days time. so I opened it and rung them.

Oh crikey! Wyllow. Such a good thing you opened it. I know you find it difficult to cry. He's not worth your tears my friend. I'm so sad he has broken your heart and so much more. You are worth more than that. You will be happier but such early days yet. 💐

I have been for lunch today with a friend. Such a nice time feel quite sleepy now. There was a young mum there with a tiny baby. Forgot how small they could be, lovely crop of dark hair though.
Wyllow I thank many of us in the dark hours of the night have had thoughts that we wouldn’t necessarily have in the daylight. You have been through some dreadful times but you can look to the future. You have come on so far. Life can be good even when it’s not exciting. It can be good just doing simple things each day. Gaining pleasure from things in the world around us. Would you be happier moving away from a house with memories even if some of those memories are good ones.
I’m glad the mental health team were in touch and they know how you’re feeling. Wyllow you do have friends here. We don’t know each other in RL but the caring is real. We cannot cure or make well but we can do a virtual hand hold or hug whenever it’s needed.
I Hope you got the bailiffs to back off . You don’t want them turning up at your place. He is still using you and it’s not fair to keep pulling you back in.
Sweetpeasue I don’t think I’m perceptive just I can imagine how I would feel in the same situation. Quality of life is important. I get cross because they keep saying in hospital you shouldn’t be in pain and then here you are month after month and no help.
How lovely to have that normal feeling for a while. Glad you got to see your son and DGS and managed to enjoy that time.
I Hope thé pain doesn’t get worse and eases off.
You need to be able to have a life and live it and need the NHS to find out what’s causing you not to be able to have that.
I haven’t read of anyone who’s been so let down as much as you have.
Nadateturbe it did DH and I a world of good to have a few hours of normal life. Like others we have gone on so long with not being able to go out DH. Was getting quite depressed. He said how much yesterday lifted his spirits.
HVDY Candy Scaredycat Ellie Anne Whiff. Hope you and all those on BD to have a happy pain free and peaceful bank holiday weekend.

Doodle I'm pleased youve had a nice lunch with a friend. You so need that time. Funny, when we were out tjis morning we called in Costa and there was a little newborn. You forget how tiny they can be. Looking at them it's difficult to realise they will 1 day be an adult with probably their own.
I cant understand what's happening in NHS lately. The Gynaecologist I saw last Saturday was lovely yet the Urologist I see seems to not be much bothered with IC/PBS. I wonder if my pain is all to do with that though. Think it could have been exacerbated by some nerve dam not sure. Have read of Elmiron a drug that can help soothe/repair bladder lining. Could be an option.
Hope you both sleep well tonight Doodle.

Wishing all a peaceful night.

Wyllow I'm glad the MH team were on hand to support you. Having the bailiff letter must have alarmed you so much. Glad you put them straight. You've had, and are still going through, such a lot, because of your ex - but you're making great strides to sort your life/house out now. I hope you have a better night tonight.

SweetpeaSue You've been mistreated and fobbed off for so long by the NHS. I hope the pain has eased off now and that you have a decent night's rest. Good that you were able to see your GS and son. Those times are so important.

Doodle I'm so pleased you had a nice time with your friend. You deserve some "normal" times. Babies aren't little for long . My Son2 never was little (10lbs 13 born). His baby is due in about 8 weeks.

*Candy Scaredycat Ellie Anne Nadateturbe Whiff ad others - hope you're all ok.

I had a good day - skittles and afternoon tea in a social club, with the usual day centre people, then pub dinner this evening with DH. Day trip tomorrow, so getting up at 6.15! Hope everyone has a restful night x

I am always surprised and deep moved by the level of understanding here. Thank you all.

Doodle how lovely to read of the normality of lunch with a friend. and time to notice the baby and relaxing enough to be sleepy not on edge every moment.

Sweetpeasue - how confusing..I can only suppose that different specialities and doctors tend to have a particular "take" on matters..but you have experienced already there is "no one solution?" More like a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces you are trying to put together? Seems good to explore all the different possible meds. Glad you got to see your family.

HVDY nice day but phew thats an early rising, I hope its somewhere really nice.

The bailiffs were a small thing, what sort of stuff has been happening for ages: except another of the sort of thing I never dreamed for 11 years could happen to me or would be caused by someone I loved so much and hid so much...and its so confusing.

Definitely as wish for us all, todays posters , and other BD's, to have a decent night x

Sweetpeasue I'm glad you had a little respite from the pain today and felt so cheerful. I do wish someone could understand what you're suffering and take time to help.
Wyllow3 I hope tonight is better than last. Things always seem so much worse in the dark hours.
Doodle, Scaredycat, Ellie Anne, Whiff and others
Hoping for a peaceful night for you all.

It's an early start - I woke at 5.45, so have had a shower, etc. Got to be at the coach stop (10mins away) at 7.40, for a Skill's day to the Black Country museum in Birmingham. Should be interesting. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

Hope you have a lovely day HVDY!

Doodle- so good to see you are getting a bit of normality and enjoyment back in your lives. It’s a good sleepy when you are tired from doing something nice. It is wonderful that DH has been able to get out - makes me feel happy for you. Have you been out today- the sun is lovely here so just got back from walking after coffee with DD in M and S. like you said to Wyllow it doesn’t have to be exciting it’s the small things that mean a lot and that we miss the most when we can’t do them.
Wyllow- sorry that you had a horrendous night - everything seems worse in those lonely hours. You showed great strength of character by getting out early starting your day.
Well done with the garage it sounded like a big job but in a way you were “washing that man right out of your hair” . It did you good to cry even though at the time it feels awful. I can’t cry ever - just cry inside.
That letter was a shock for you although I don’t suppose it’s the first one, he has done so much to undermine you and your confidence. There will be better times ahead - you deserve happiness.
SweetPeaSue- I love the thought of you feeling like dancing- such a lovely moment for you. Glad you managed to have a good day despite the pain trying to spoil it. I expect DGS will be challenging you to draughts in the future.
I wish you were not being so messed about by NHS - I too have never heard of anyone having such a hard time.
HVDY- sounds like a great day out and so pleased you felt well enough to enjoy it. That’s an early start today- look forward to hearing about it.
Candy,EllieAnne,Whiff, Nadaturbe and everyone hope you are having as good a day as possible

HVDY2 never say to a person from the black country it's Birmingham it's not. Brummie and Black country accents are completely different
You went to Dudley miles from Birmingham. I am from the black country and got mistaken for a Brummie when I moved here soon pointed out I am from the black country. Lenny Henry is from Dudley and proud of it. I am from a different part of the black country but we came under Dudley CC. The black country was so named because of all the heavy industry like the chain makers and lot of glass making factories. Some of the buildings at the black country museum are from Brum but that was to save them. Black country covers Dudley, Stourbridge,Wollaston,Wollescote,Brierly hill ,Lye ,Cradley heath Quarry bank ,Lower,Upper and Gornal wood,Sedgley is counted as well. Think that's it . Will look it up to check I didn't miss a town out.

Hope you had a wonderful time.

Did miss out a few but no black country person would count Wolverhampton and West Bromwich as Google says .

HVDY I do hope you've had a lovely time today. So pleased you can have a nice trip out after so much happening to you and your DH healthwise, let alone that nasty virus.
Nadateturbe Thankyou for caring. Oh I wish I understood what's going on painwise too. I know you must have felt very misunderstood when you started with CFS/ME symptoms as can take a while before a diagnosis.
Scaredycat Yes, I really (must stop using word really so much) did feel like dancing at the time. Think its that relief you feel after a bad case of flu - that gratefulness that you're out of pain. Its much brighter here this afternoon and a fair bit milder. M&S have nice toasted t-cakes(tip-if butter is hard DH holds it on top of teapot).

I'm sorry to say pain came back about 9 last night with a vengeance. Bowel pain then up most of night with bladder. Oramorph no good at all so just desperately awful night. Still really bad this morning and rang Drs, who I begged him to help and he's given me Tramadol which I can take with Oramorph if necessary. Own GP not there all this week or next. Not seen her for 2mths.
Appt tomorrow with Urologist but I know no one believes that some of this pain is nerve related, on top of IC. What else can it be. I was ok by 2 o clock. Its playing cat and mouse with me but pain is really so bad Im frightened to death of it. I'm scared the distention will aggravate the pain caused by nerve pain.
So sorry Ive gone on. When own GP on next week going to ask he about private referral.

Candy, Doodle, EllieAnne, Whiff , Nadateturb, Wyllow, Nanny, hoping youve all been ok today.

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful pain time Sweetpeasue I hope the double whammy of added Tramadol helps. Powerful stuff. C - or, what riggers the worst. (hoping pain clinic can at least ID that - course you are frightened, cos you don't know fully what it is! Hoping at least something emerges from urologist tomorrow. You never know..

Scaredycat good to hear about the walk and DD natter! Very wise things about my situation. I think I manage to cry about every 6 months if that! It was the help of the MH worker really. I slept for a long time.today, apart from an essential visit to chemist, have been in bed. Mentally and physically completely exhausted: flu and aches, which I get so much on top of bowel and other stuff -

note to self, if I dont take CFS seriously I will be able to do almost nothing.

It means going against the urge to "do", but my visits to my beloved gym have shrunk to 2 or 3 a week from everyday. Not good. Maybe yesterday a water shed. Hope so. The "high driven must do" side of myself is very strong. Part of my diagnosis, but time to try and change.

Tonight I'm having a call with my first Ex who is obvs father of DS and we talk quite a lot about family and I want to talk over the thought of going up to live there with him and having realistic expectations of DiL especially.

Whiff I had no idea of those details, it's all "furrin' territory to me.

Very bests to other BD's, will come in later x

Hope you've had a lovely time, HVDY

Wyllow It must be such a relief to be able to talk with your first ex about family and things. I hope it helps you to weigh up the idea of moving closer to them and expectations. The 'highly driven ' side of you that is partly bi-polar must make it hard to pace yourself with CFS but you are not unaware of it so that's a good thing.
Its interesting re the crying. I admit I struggle with holding back tears, its a right hindrance lately, but it must be sort of pressurising not to have that release. Mind crying can just give you a headache and a big red nose so we can't win. Hope you can give yourself that rest you obvs need.
Whiff I've really never heard of any of those places though I think it odd when places that I feel are in the midlands are spoken off as in the north.

Sweetpeasue I’m glad you got some tramadol. Have you taken it before? DH has that for the shooting pains in his legs. I do hope it helps. I think seeing someone privately is perhaps the only way you’re going to get some help, It shouldn’t be like that but sometimes going privately is necessary when you’re in such a bad way. I had a really painful stomach this morning (self inflicted due to what I ate yesterday) and pain in my lower back and bowel. It made me think of you as I was driving DH to the hospital. It was quite uncomfortable and I’m not surprised with the sort of pain you are getting that it brings you down. I Hope thé urologist treats you with kindness and respect and can help you.
Wyllow glad you got the bailiffs sorted out, That could have caused tremendous trouble for you. Even when you thought things were finished between you he keeps finding a way of causing you more problems.
I’m so glad you have such a good relationship with your first Ex. Nice to be able to talk to someone who knows the family about your possible move and to talk your ideas out, hope the chat with him helps. You sound quite exhausted. I Hope you have some rest over the bank holiday weekend and maybe feel up for the gym again early next week.
Whiff I am a southerner and think along the lines of “ north of Watford and South of the IOW” is all foreign country to me.
I always think The Black Country sounds moody and romantic.
Will you be watching the coronation? I’ve just been watching a fascinating programme on BBC about the making of the uniforms. Such intricate and detailed tailoring.
HVDY I haven’t played skittles for years. How did you get on.? Hope your trip today went well, sounds an interesting one to do.
Scaredycat we often (well we used to) go to M&S for a coffee. Ours in in the centre of town and convenient for shops and having a break. We have been to hospital again this morning but I went and had my hair cut this afternoon and DH went for a coffee and cake whilst he was waiting for me.
Hoping if there’s some nice weather over the weekend we can try some more walks.
Have you any plans for the weekend?

Doodle I so hope you will be able to get back to coffee in town and M and S and all those simple pleasures that count for so much. May the weekend have little walks with cake at the end of them.

I talked at length to Ex of my DS. He is very emotionally aware and has done therapy and stuff himself so has the language - and understanding.

I think it will be a no to moving up and away. first, reality check on my health. Second, reality check on DiL. She's a scientist and superb manager and organiser and a loving parent - but not playful by nature, and that there is sometimes hostility (tho she fights it) if she thinks I have got bits of DS for me, or the kids are too fond of me (I've observed looks, too). Also - when they start being teenagers, the whole dynamic will change.

But basically she will never understand me as she is a person who thinks her way of seeing the world is the only way. And it works and is very benign, but doesn't not include the way I am nor many of my actual values. I feel I need adequate rapport order to take such a giant step without it.

And if i do go to the gym - its 20 or 30 mins max not the old 1.5 hours I used to do etc etc but go for the social contact and stop being super yoga lady.

(But..keep crying, Sweetpeasue)

Oh Sweetpeasue that is awful, and so disappointing, after having such a good spell.. It's terrible too that its unpredictable. I hope the tramadol helps, but surely the doctors know something definitely needs done about your pain if you are having to take so many painkillers. Does someone go with you to appointments? Sometimes we need backup to be listened to properly. (Apologies if you've covered this previously. ).
Wyllow3 I hope you had a more cheerful night last night. Those flu type symptoms are typical of CFS/ME. I think you know that you need to take it easier. Its difficult to stop doing things or to ignore a job that needs done when we feel energetic, . But you really need to try to work out the pacing that works for you. Please! Maybe a smaller period of exercise each day.

Doodle You said what we have been thinking about building an extension. We got plans drawn up a while back. I think we will go ahead and get estimates.
It was lovely to get your hair done, always gives you a lift. It's nice you were both feeling well enough to do something normal. I hope you manage those walks over the weekend.
Isn't it interesting how we become thankful for simple things in life.
In answer to your question, I am enrolled in an art class and club two different days. Which means if I have an unexpected flare I'm likely to make at least one class each week. It's a social time centred round an activity, so there's no pressure to chat if you're not up to it. I really enjoy it. I like painting doors or windows with colourful window boxes, cottages, boats. I'm not actually very good but I enjoy trying. I do a little bit at home too when I'm able.
HVDY you mentioned upthread about making porridge with water. I do, but I add some kefir or bio yogurt which is good for your gut health and makes it creamy.
I hope some of you have had a good day. It's been quite sunny and mild.. I'm stuck in bed all day, totally zonked (pacing doesn't always work!) Thank goodness for GN.
Hello to Scaredycat EllieAnne Whiff Sally Nanny and all BD.
Wishing you all a peaceful night.x

nadateturbe what a good plan, so you get to one class each week. Is the extension so you can get a downstairs loo etc? Or some crafts space?

"But you really need to try to work out the pacing that works for you. "
Been pretending I don't need to, and you are right.