Black Dog 16

ah, cross posted nadateturbe. wise lady, and the right decision - love matters.

yes I can be strong but also the opposite. *loody CFS is all eh?

Candy Sorry I missed your post. Glad you enjoyed the family holiday and yes, they can be hectic at times😉
Ive only been on the recent one as usually its just myself and DH. When I was a child with my own parents I think we had 2 family holidays one in caravan and one in Scarborough B&B. I'm glad there was nothing sinister found at your Gynae appt. It makes sense to start HRT on lowest dose and hopefully that may be all that's necessary. I only had spotting before Hysteroscopy then cyclical monthly bleeding for 9 mths yet my HRT was not stopped which I cant understand but I do know that consultants can have their own preferences about how they treat various conditions and many factors can come into play. Enjoy your afternoon with family.
Scaredycat To be aware of your heartbeat all the time must be quite a thing to put up with and I expect you will be constantly trying to distract yourself. I'm sorry your meds arent helping much at present. Will you have another appt soon so you can discuss it? Thankyou for your lovely kind words. I looked up PTSD and although I fit a fair bit of the criteria there were others that didn't. I know there will be very few that can identify with my experience and think that's what makes it so hard. But Ive had far less pain lately which I hardly dare say. Just an inner deadness. I know that on BD many will understand that. As was said earlier, we're like family in certain ways aren't we? Take care.

Just grocery shopping and a cafe today. Still the emptiness but it will probably pass. Hope you're all managing today.

Wyllow Just noticed your post too. So v much I identify with. A story.
While with family on hol I wanted to 'fit in' and not be square peg in round hole(different generation-bound to happen). Eldest son's work pub manager now regional manager. Decided, before meeting in fam activity/clubhouse, to google latest trendy cocktails and pronounce it (italian) correctly. When round of drinks due, I thought it would be funny for 'staid old' mum to come out with named cocktail but was met with 'a what?'. I explained my thinking and admitted my inadequacy to which youngest son replied 'just be yourself mum-who you are. I then burst into tears. I should say, my counselling sessions have included much about this problem of never developing any identity. It's why I don't go into many social situations. But to publicly het upset is anathema to me. Im so ultra self- conscious. It happened again in a restaurant next day. I was mortified but couldnt stop the tears. Managaress saw me and followed me into ladies to help. Afterwards I had relapse of eating disorder. I feel very abnormal and 'different' from others.

Abojt sat-nav - it's snap! Sons explained to me the same and I found the map with accompanied voice on phone. Needing reading glasses the small screen would ne useless to us unless stopped, I agree. So much I dont know about technology.
I understand now how significant the Halford's incident was for you. A £1000 is huge expense. The car is one place I feel like other people - though I usually drive only on local rds.

The reminders and remnants of your complaint! I've folders and reams of papers, pored over to achieve justice. They are all in corner of living room and in bookshelf. They are now becoming obsolete and of worth to most likely no-one. The work and time I put in and tears shed-for what?
Might I retrieve mine from loft someday?
We rarely find others who will reveal their inner selves. I'm sure I reveal too much but, I think Wyllow it can sometimes help if others can identify and not feel 'abnormal'. Thankyou.

Candy6 Thank you. Glad the holiday is going well. How's the weather? It's turned cold here, wet (Nottingham) and windy. I'm glad your appointment went well. Best of luck with the HRT. It's good that you haven't got to go back for a while. Hope the bleeding subsides altogether.

nadateturbe Sorry to hear about your sister. Hope whatever it is that she recovers ok.

ScaredyCat Your AF sounds horrible for you. How are you today? I take Bisoprolol for a fast heart rate, and it seems to be fine. My legs are sometimes painful, sometimes not, and activity doesn't seem to play a part (often they're painful when I've done nothing).

SusieWakie How are you feeling today?

Whiff I'm glad you're happier since moving house. Are the neighbours nice? I'll have a look at that brain charity website, it sounds helpful.

Wyllow I've got a built-in satnav (came with the car), never use it. The ones on mobile 'phones are perfectly adequate, anyway. Not worth paying all that money to have one installed. Does your gardener plant things for the summer?
I've been lazy today .

DH's sister treated us to a pub lunch, which was very nice. We picked her up, and later went to a garden centre then came back here for a cup of tea. I've done nothing today except paint my nails . x

I recognise so much Sweetpeasue.

Last time I saw family was in the end a wee move forward. Maybe, although it was so painful, yours might be. So - Mum cried?
Well - as my DS said to me "you analyse much more than we do, we don't notice as much or its doesn't "mean" so much." (but we still accept you..)

Maybe we'll always be vulnerable...maybe others don't mind as much as we do! Maybe others just hide it better too.

I did 30 mins treadmill without doing silly back provoking wiggles. Phew. Got to keep moving, feel less stiff than before.

Sweetpeasue I've never felt as though I've fitted in - I was painfully shy at school, never fitted in with a crowd. Same when I worked in offices - I always felt on the outside, looking in, somehow. It was only when I started doing care work at the age of 37, worked alone, and went to people obviously with health/age needs that I felt "myself". I'm always self-conscious about my appearance (because of my weight), although I dress as best as I can, and always do my hair and wear make-up. People assume I'm confident. Strange how people see me but don't really know me, if you understand what I mean. I mentioned PTSD because the Neurologist last week thinks I've got it. I certainly wouldn't entertain the idea of more meds, and counselling was a waste of time for me, so I carry on. I think/remember things from being in hospital - things that happened, neglect, conversations, lack of care, etc., every day - but I try to keep busy or go out so that I'm distracted from my thoughts.

EllieAnne Hope you've had a nice time with your daughter.

[url=https://postimg.cc/d7hSN3t1][img]https://i.postimg.cc/7L986JFg/Screenshot-2023-04-12-at-6-45-37-pm.jpg[/img][/url]

Interesting HVDY. What helped me was when I was in care with MH from 2002 onwards, the people I met all backgrounds all sorts of issues.

I wasn't alone! Much less chance of that in MH care atm but the lesson as you say is to find others so you realise how many of us are "different". One choice I did make like you is to always look presentable, partly pride, partly seeing how people who "looked" really ill got treated in the Outside world.

I found this, there is a discussion on another thread in this inspiring book.

Wyllow I've always worn a full face of make-up, probably because in offices in the 70s, all the women did. Now, it's more to do with me having Rosacea (always look flushed) and very sparse eyebrows from plucking them in the 70s! I loved care work, I always found it so rewarding. Very enlightening and humbling, too, as I saw people who really needed help.

HVDY Sounds like you've had a very pleasant and easy day. You certainly deserve it. I remember, in my 40s, thinking what does my mum see in garden centres? Now it's our turn! They do my kind of simple straightforward food.
Sorry your legs are still painful. Are the steroids meant to help with that?
Maybe takes a while to get into system.
Wyllow Ive always been 'odd one out' in my siblings too. Yes, my sons do accept me for whoever I am. I think the coming of HRT is also affecting me.
Youve been on treadmill. I should go on exercise bike.
Scaredycat I think I might have done it! Photo.
Quite fun to find it but on local news it mentioned an ongoing problem - finding dead starfish and crabs on beaches around our stretch of coast(ongoing investigation) - so quite sad really.

HVDY Thats so interesting as I was hugely shy at school too. It's also imteresting that we try to hide it in different ways.
Mum told me when I was very small if anyone said hello to me while out with her Id burst into tears or hide behind her.
Your care work was such a great thing to do and suited your needs as well as others. You are a generous and kind person. You must have really pushed yourself to put yourself out there to achieve that.
What happened to you in hospital will have affected you hugely. Such significant memories are difficult to fade into background and, even though these events are momentous they can never be fully explained to anyone.
I couldn't go out without make up HVDY. I'd frighten the children. 😭😂

Wyllow Loved that book and the excellent TV animation. The book is beautiful. Thankyou.

SweetpeaSue It's strange because my legs aren't painful every day, just some days. Because it's due to inflammation of the blood vessels (Vasculitis), the steroids will help (not sure when) to reduce the inflammation. I found, doing care work, I'd "put on a front" when I went into someone's home, be all cheerful and bright, chatty, etc., then I let down the "front" when I got home. I'm good at that, which is why people assume I must somehow be outgoing. I don't need to pretend any more. I'm an introvert, and that's fine. Love your photo. Yes, it must be sad to find dead creatures. It must be lovely to be able to walk along a beach, though. Do you go/have you ever been swimming in the sea?

SweetPeaSue- thanks for the photo - well done!! What a whopper - it’s lovely. I love sea creatures. When we went to the seaside when I was little my Dad and I used to spend hours in rock pools lifting up rocks and seeing if there were little crabs underneath. It is sad to hear of all those little dead creatures- wonder why it is.
Sleep well allxxx

You must have brightened up many a person's day in your job. Your posts are always natural and chatty. It doesnt come naturally to me but I try.
Swimming in our North Sea 😱🥶
Nah Im far too soft. Id need to be covered from neck to ankles to hide all my bits, I'm so self-conscious.

Hvdy I am going tomorrow.
Sweet pea sue I don’t feel I have any identity or personality. That’s why I used to drink too much. I thought I was different and more interesting. I’m sure I was just a pain.
Wyllow my car is my safe place too though I don’t like driving in unfamiliar places or busy roads.

Scaredycat What lovely memories- I hope your sister shares them too.
Ivestigation seems to have a few theories - - could be chemical polltion from industrial works, resurfacing by dredging. Others say could be a parasite infecting the sea life. Jury's still out. Hope you sleep well too.

Dear friends. DH’s tests today didn’t identify any problems so 3 more scans and tests book to try and find out what’s wrong. We were up at 6am and got home at 6pm so very tired now.
Please excuse flying visit tonight I am so tired I cannot concentrate. Thinking of you all and back for catch up tomorrow. Sleep well. x

EllieAnne Best wishes and good luck for tomorrow. Haven't we all a lot in common. You're not a pain. It's just difficult to cope with the hand of cards we're dealt in life. You are you here. We have many roles. You have a long journey tomorrow. Not everyone can drive so far and alone. Not everyone can drive. x

Doodle Good of you to come in and update us. Youve had a hugely long day. So more scans and tests. They are being thorough. I just hope you can both get peace tonight. We all send love.

Doodle hoping for a peaceful night for you both. xx

All the very best for further tests, Doodle. Exhausting - just glad they are "on the case".

Want to see the sea. Must put on the agenda (miles away, its bit closer to where my family live, but here, not a day outing.).

EllieAnne Sorry, got the day mixed up. Hope you have a nice time with your daughter. Some people hide behind drink, drugs or other things (me, make-up and my "front"), but we can all be ourselves on here, we all have some problems.

SweetpeaSue I bet you're slim. I do the walk of shame at the swimming baths, but so what? Everyone there has seen me and knows what I look like. There are some bigger ladies (and the odd man) at aqua aerobics. I wish kaftans were fashionable, I'd wear one every day .

Doodle Although today's test didn't find out what's wrong, your husband is on the system now, and hopefully, the problem will soon be found. You've both had a very long day. Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

I'm off to bed soon, so hope all BDers have a restful night x

The very best for tomorrow Ellie Anne

How is everyone this morning? It's very cold and windy here. The day centre is shut for Easter, so DH and I are going to meet my brother and his wife for coffee and/or a snack, later. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x