Black Dog 16

*doodle glad you got out, Is disappointing not being able to go far. Thank goodness you have your lovely flat.

"Could you stay in a hotel in your target area and visit some local places, parks town centres etc to get the feel for it."

That was my idea a month or so back. I think I've ground to a halt and lost courage to venture so far out of my small comfort zone. I'm going got talk to my counsellor tomorrow about my family. I want her honest appraisal. If I had suggested to my mum years back, "come and live up here" I would have expected to follow up, not no feedback at all. Worst option would be to make this huge move and find I am marginal.

There is a back story Doodle you see.

In the years 2002 to about 2011 I was consistently so ill with depression including suicide attempts I kept them at arms length. I literally did not leave my current town to go anywhere at all, the only nights I spent away from home were as an inpatient. During that time DS and DiL were growing close and seeing a lot of DiL's family. DS and DiL came for short visits: I was also breaking up with my first husband in this time (amicable) but realistically I was on no state to know them and become part of their lives. My world was one of MH resources and top in centres and support (and amazingly, my loved gym).

So then I re-enter there lives in a small way when I met Ex in 2011 and we'd visit together. But I had another 3 years of withdrawal and depression 2017 to 2020. Then...Ex stuff at its worst kicked off and Ex was abusive to DiL as well,

so well.....its not exactly been a long term solid history to rely on, is it? Ds is sanguine about it, but I think DiL has experienced me as very "on and off".

Its a matter of some pride for me that I never drew them into my MH illness, as I have seen other parents do, making off spring responsible and worry all the time, but the cost has been as I describe.

It does feel a big risk to move all in my life on this basis unless I get more active vibe. Put simply, I'm not a constant nor reliable in their lives and haven intention of possibly wrecking what I do have currently..

I’m so inadequate when it comes to energy to post. Apologies.

Nanny thinking of you.

Wyllow3 I’m sure your family will drive you around for a bit in the town if you ask. Sometimes our children don’t realise what we need.
As regards moving, if you found out you couldn’t move, what would be your gut reaction, relief or disappointment?
It’s so difficult moving. We’ve been looking for maybe 2 years. I’m sure if we really wanted to move we would have done so by now. I just tell myself if it’s meant to be, it will happen, and don’t think too much about it.
I agree it's difficult to accept limitations. I did some “gardening” recently, if you could call it that. I sat on a stool for a half hour and weeded a few containers, and planted bulbs and washed 2 hanging baskets. And grunted as I stood up. . I hoped the young neighbours weren’t watching! What a change from years ago. I try not to dwell too much about how I've changed and enjoy the things I can do. The alternative is to make myself miserable. I love jigsaws, would never have done them before M.E.
HVDY I’m glad you decided not to go. I think you would be stressing your body too much, while it tries to cope with your bowel problems, I do hope it eases soon. If not maybe check with the doctor. I hope you’re resting now.
Sweetpeasue your appointment seemed to go well. I think we all come home wondering did we say everything we wanted to. I hope you get your scan soon and pain appointment. It’s so very hard living continually like this. With no answers. I too use Google, I think we’re wise enough to assess information usefully, and not automatically assume we have the worst thing possible.
Whiff I’m sorry you’re still grieving so much. You lost your husband at a very young age. But of course no matter how long you have been together, it’s heartbreaking. It’s such a shame that people drift off and don't keep contact after funerals. I've heard other people saying this too.
EllieAnne I bought plants in our local garden centre and then found a great selection in Lidl for half the price.
If things are so miserable for you with your husband, and leaving isn’t an option, could you make some part of the house just yours? We both love our own space, I have my art stuff, desk, TV and bookcase in my bedroom. OH has his den. We love each other but like a lot of time alone.
Scaredycat your photo is very pretty, I did a bluebell painting recently. It’s strange having AF all the time and no treatment. I thought they might have suggested a pacemaker (of course I’m no expert and you may have explained this and I missed it).
Candy I’m glad the funeral went ok. I’m sure it was nice to get to the caravan. We have one too, and it’s lovely to escape to it. Your walk sounds so refreshing. There’s nothing like being out in the fresh air and sunshine.
Doodle your flat sounds perfect, with views over the river. It’s good you have somewhere nice to sit and watch all that’s going on when you can’t get out. I hope you have managed to have some sleep the las few nights. I must see if I can listen to that service.

IWe had visitors last week and the young baby kept wanting me to lift him and bounce him on my knee and sing. I loved it, but I think I it was a bad idea. He was very heavy, and it wasn't a good idea. more pain and exhaustion than usual - I spent the next day in bed and just feeling a bit better now. We went for a lovely sunny walk today and also called at a protest against gas caverns to lend our support. It was so good to get out for a couple of hours, getting out really does help.
Hoping for a peaceful night for all of you, and to anyone I haven't mentioned personally. xx

HVDY are you sure the shower isn’t just your sons excuse to come back and be with his mum for a bit 😊
It’s nice how your DH and your sons work together.
Sorry you are still not feeling 100% . Sometimes these bugs take hold for a while.
DH says the same thing as you. He wants to get back to life as it was before all this kicked off.
Hope you have a better night tonight and your stomach settles down.
Sweetpeasue it’s hard not to give up when all you have is pain day in and day out, You do need some answers and surely somebody is a specialist in your problems.
We did go for a walk again today but both of us felt really exhausted. I think it’s so long since we have been walking regularly that our legs have forgotten what to do.
Yes I research a lot too. Even reading medical articles, anything that might explain what’s going on. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing but if you have some knowledge then you can ask sensible questions and hopefully understand the answers better. Perhaps pain management secretaries will be back on duty tomorrow. Hope you get to sort something out soon.
Wyllow perhaps you family aren’t trying to push you but letting you take things at your own pace. Also rather than just driving around maybe you need a few properties to view even from the outside. I wouldn’t necessarily offer to drive someone around looking at places. Possibly not something I would think of. Could you stay in a hotel in your target area and visit some local places, parks town centres etc to get the feel for it.
Perhaps a trainer at the gym would be a good thing to help you get some fitness back. You often seem to hurt your back and maybe it’s certain exercises that cause it.
Coming to terms with not being able to do what you used to is hard, I remember how my dear Dad wouldn’t accept he could no longer do what he used to after his heart attack. It too, him a while to accept a new way of life. I haven’t been I’ll like many of you but because DH hasn’t been out walking and doing things I haven’t either and I have slowed down a lot. I can no longer have a good housekeeping bash, I get too tired very quickly.
Scaredycat it did feel good to get out, DHs legs were ok after but not so good today. I think muscular aches often take a day or so to come out.
Yes we love our view from here. Sometimes I just sit and watch the wind blowing through the tall trees or the clouds going by.
I quite like being two floors up. The perfect height to see what’s going on at ground level but also to see the trees and sky too.
Glad your sister is improving little by little. Hopefully with summer coming she can spend more time in the garden.
Ellie Anne you sound as though your weekend was better by being kept busy. Do you get involved in lots of church things?
Not a great fan of whisky myself I’m more of a wine drinker but I expect like me you find a drink relaxing. Hope you’ve been ok today. Are you feeling any better?
nanny I’m so sorry. Things must be so hard for you. Is your DHs funeral soon. Do you have any family to support you?
It’s bound to be hard for you. I know your animals will give you comfort but it’s the company of your beloved that you are missing. No words can help but we are thinking of you,
Whiff what a beautiful and moving post and a tribute to your love for your DH.

Hvdy I always make porridge with water!

Nice family contact there HVDY.

Scaredycat good to hear your sis can go out into the garden! How is she managing with the stairs - I recall discussions about stair lifts and her not wanting them. Hope you got out today yourself. Sunny here now and the garden is beginning to look lovely as the acers are out with the varied leaves.

Yes, I could do with doing some light weights to strengthen core - I know what to do, was shown it once, its just doing it, but they are to hand at the gym. Probably yoga isn't enough. I'm just hoping to get my walking energy back.

thinking of you all BD's x

Doodle, SweetpeaSue, EllieAnne, Whiff, Candy, all DBers - how's your day been?

I didn't have a sleep (I want to sleep properly tonight), so instead moved the dining room furniture around and wiped all the chairs, table, etc. That's enough for today . DH and our sons had a pint after all their work, then Son1 came here, fixed my speakers to the computer, so I'm enjoying listening to my music on the headphones. Gave him several books he'll like reading.

I meant I've been writing down what I eat

ScaredyCat Thank you. I've been all I eat, for the past 3 weeks. Today - porridge made with water (horrible), a chicken breast, a dry cob (roll), an apple, 2 plain biscuits. Not great, but tomorrow will be cutting out the carbs again.

whiff thank you for your kind words xxx

Doodle- I,m so pleased you were able to get out and have a walk together. It must have felt so good. How did DH ,s legs feel afterwards?
Your balcony view sounds so beautiful. We would love that both being near the river and people watching too. So glad you have it for times when you can’t get out and times when you just want to sit.
Wyllow- Unless you ask your family if at some time they could drive you around your new city you won’t know. I think you are right and that they probably haven’t even thought of that. Don’t worry you,ll know when it’s the right time. The hotel is nice and close isn’t it- a bolt hole if you need a rest or just some quiet time.
Hope the trainer at the Gym can help you with your back- maybe light weights might help. My DH has a bad back and they always help him.
Just seen your other post- yes it’s sooo hard to accept that we change and there are limitations to what can be done now. Like HVDY I miss the old me😩 Your Quaker writings make a lot of sense.
Nanny- what you re going through is heartbreaking- there are no words to make it better. Everyone grieves in a different way - you just have to do what feels right for you. I hope you have some support .
HVDY- no wonder you are shaky - you haven’t,t eaten properly for a few days and the nature of your virus is extremely debilitating. I,m glad you are resting I was a bit concerned about your plan for today.A little sleep will do you good and then you can hear all about the day your men have had.
Are you eating again now? You need to get a bit stronger for your outings later in the week.
I understand so well what you say about wishing to be like you were - me too!
Take care of yourself.
SPS- when I said my sister was “the same” I meant her tinnitus is exactly the same as mine !!! Actually she makes a little progress each week but is a long way from being fully recovered. She can walk into her garden now which she enjoys.
I am so sorry you are suffering more pain- you are right you cannot go on like this. Hope you get some help on Tuesday.
I too look things up as I feel more anxious if I don’t- although there have been times when I wish I hadn’t!!!! Hope you have some respite so you an get some sleep tonight.
EllieAnne- Glad you had church - at least there you are with people you are familiar with . This weekend must have seemed everlasting for you- hope today hasn’t been too bad.
Take care allx

"too much wishing I was like I used to be, in physical health, abilities, looks, etc"

Yes, ID with that. Tho I've had severe MH stuff on and off for over 20 years, never had the levels of CFS to stop me enjoying bike rides and walks and seeing people.

Yet people endure so very much, with worse, and finding a level of acceptance and gratitude with what they do have! Work in progress.

Today's inclination is to say to myself, "Wyllow! Stay in your area with Quakers and gym and known support services and culture and such lovely countryside so close....!"

Wyllow I haven't had a sleep yet, though feel really tired (I'll have a doze later, perhaps). I've found it very difficult to accept my limitations of the past 22 months, but haven't yet found real contentment. (too much wishing I was like I used to be, in physical health, abilities, looks, etc). That's one of the reasons I used to enjoy care work - it made me appreciate how fortunate I am, compared to so many others. I need to get stronger this week - a day out at a skittle alley with afternoon tea, on Thursday, then a coach trip on Friday.

Yup HVDY just had a 2 hour nap - downstairs then back to bed! Definitely listen to your body.

I'm sure its all the conflict and busyness re house/valuer stuff coming to bite. I have bitten off more that I can chew and not taken CFS seriously - again.

How does one be content with so much less than "used to be/do? We actually discuss it quite a bit in Quakers including the last meeting as in Quaker writings there is a lot about accepting things with grace and that a life spent in contemplation and small acts of kindness is as valid as great busyness.

(Ah, easy to say...)

Wyllow I though I'd feel up to doing some things at son's house, but actually, I feel so very weak and shaky, I've decided to stay at home and let he blokes get on with it. I hope you're resting, too.

Time for a little sleep later . x

nanny2507 I have been widowed 19 years . You are expecting to much of yourself. When our other half dies we lose half of ourselves and are never whole again. The moment my husband took his last breath my present and future died with him . It doesn't matter if you have been with the other half of yourself a year or 50 you are never the same. I was with my husband for 29 years married 22. He was 47 when he died me 45, our daughter 20 and son 16.

I can't say grief ever dies as it hasn't for me it gets worse as the years go by but the love for my husband has never died . You learn to cope. I call early grief 10 years. As it took me that long to come to terms with it.

Look on the bereavement forum and read Does it get easier.

Even now grief overwhelms me and I just cry . Please don't fight the feelings that you have don't think you have to be brave you will only hurt yourself. I did that and I was a fool. And when the rage and anger hits you go with it as it all part of grieving. I wish someone had told me as I thought I was wicked being so angry at my husband for dieing. It's part of the grieving process you have to go through. If you want to cry,scream,shout hit a pillow do it. It will make you feel better. Talk out loud to your husband everyday it helps. I still do that . It gives me comfort.

Life will be a whirlwind sorting everything out and after the funeral there will be a lull while probate is sorted out.

Unfortunately I found after my husband's funeral people disappeared. Anyway I have written on various threads on bereavement forum. But it's from my own experience only. Others have a different take on grief. You have to find a way to cope that suits you and it's bloody hard and unfair but you will but it will take years. Take each day as it comes the good ,bad and down right awful.

I haven't forgotten everyone else but though nanny2057 needed a few words just hope they help.

HVDY I hope your tum settles enough as that's a very busy day ahead.

I had a decent sleep but woke totally utterly drained and painful to walk, so have changed todays list to admin stuff only and will take it easy.

You are right about asking, its just that a 'no" would hurt a lot so chicken out.
I'll see how it goes when I go up in 3 weeks. Must book the wee hotel round the corner to see how that works out.

SweetpeaSue Googling it, stomach bugs can take 5-7 days, so that seems likely. I was ok all night, so hopefully I'll be ok today. I haven't dropped a size yet but my clothes aren't tight now. I'm sorry you keep having so much pain. Like you, I Google things. I like to know every possible outcome. I hope you can get through to someone tomorrow, perhaps.

Wyllow The family perhaps haven't even thought of driving you, but it doesn't mean that they won't/can't. Ask them? You did quite a lot of exercise, and I hope your back eases off today.

EllieAnne I hope you can get through the day ok.

Nanny2507 It's to be expected, it's very early days .

I slept for 7 hours, feel quite shaky, but seem ok so I'll try some porridge soon. Busy day later - Son1, DH and Son2 are doing things at Son2's house (assembling furniture, mounting TVs on walls, changing locks, putting in new sockets. I'll do the tidying . Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

Nanny
Not surprising x

Dear Nanny2507 I can only imagine your pain as I've lost parents though not OH. I'm so very sorry, though realise that doesn't help. Please continue to talk here whenever you feel you want to. I will be holding you in my thoughts tonight. I'm not very good with words but continue to post here if you so wish. Much love. 💐

Hello all, bad day today. DH flowers ordered, Order of Service booklet ordered. Took the dogs to the park. Cried all the way home. Life is so empty right now.

Sorry it’s been a bad pain day Sweetpeasue Here's the full song “ring the bells that still can ring” www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wRYjtvIYK0

And Ellie Anne I hope you get through the bank holiday OK.

Doodle you landed up in a lovely flat just what I want (well not the river but a view.) Glad you walked. I listened to that service this morning too. The “thought for the day” bit after was very moving.

Yes they are catching up on tests HVDY its the results that are taking a long time - unless they find something very serious, which I hope isn’t the case. Heck... it is a bad bug!

So frustrating - at the gym I did 40mins yoga, 10 mins bike and just 5 mins walk. Tonight I decided to do a little treadmill walk 15 mins and twigged my back again badly despite all the core work at the gym. (lower back strengthen)
I really need to be able to walk for more than 20 mins. I might try and see the trainer at the gym again to ask, what is it about walking that’s doing it.

Here’s an AIBU for BD’s. thought family have encouraged a move, they know how limited it is for me but no offers of say driving me around for 3 hours in my target city.

They are very busy but…..probably when i go up I should pluck up courage to ask! It may simply have not occurred. I don’t want to put a foot wrong…

You are in my thoughts*EllieAnne * Hope whatever tomorrow is bringing you will be ok-it being a Bank Holiday. Sleep well. x

Been a busy weekend but a lot of stress.a few special things on at church. Put my happy face on and got through. Just finished my whisky. Would like more but bottle is empty. Will n
Buy more tomorrow. Have been falling asleep in front of tv Tonight. Will go to bed soon. Thinking of you all.

Doodle I had a feeling I would miss your post. I'm glad you managed a walk by the river. It's been cold and overcast here too. I think we need to look things up when there's information out there. I'm well aware of the anxiety its able to cause but so can not knowing. I'd rather be aware. I'm sure you feel like that too. I dont rely on anecdotal info but keep to medical scientific stuff. We cant expect Drs to'know everything outside of their area. Ive looked at the head Pain M consultant at the big hospital NHS here and he has private consultations in another hospital in 4 weeks. I' m thinking I must do something. I cant get through to the Pain Management clinic. I get a pre recorded message giving numbers to call for various equipment. Just wanted to find out where I was on waiting list.
You must be so tired of watching your DH go through it all when there's nothing you can do. I do understand and I'm sure my DH would too. Best wishes for a peaceful night. x

Candy Those trips away to caravan are a godsend for you both. Its good that you can have that time with out from your busy lives and let nature and your walks lift your spirits. Good physically and mentally. Wow! 7nhalf mls. We used to do long walks some yrs back. Not 'outdoorsy' ourselves then sort of fell into it after getting a little book of local walks. Don't do 'pre-arranged' walks now but I understand your enthusiasm. Thankyou for the tip about the gel. I'll have to ask GP about that when they're all back at work.
HVDY I wonder what's causing this queezy tummy and diarrhoea. Usually a tummy bug isnt as persistent so I hope today is the last of it. You must feel a bit wobbly. Your clothes must feel quite different after all that weight loss. Hope it wont be long before your DH gets results from scan.
Scaredycat You do so well to keep on walking and I'm glad the AF is not winning and stopping you. I'm sorry about the tinnitus too. But of course much sorrier to hear of it's cause. It is awful that the tinnitus has never retreated and disappeared. It sounds as if your sister has stabilised in her recovery if she's 'the same'. Stable is good, if so. I hope she will get stronger as the weather improves and she can go out. About my appt yesterday, there was never going to be enough time to say everything but I always think why did I say this and not that. But I told him the main stuff.
Wyllow You are bound to swing back and forth about the moving, as its such a big decision and you want it to be right. I imagine it will be hard and whatever you decide there will be the cons as well as the pros. You will have made quaker friends and those at Gym. Its a good idea to spend more time in the other city to get a 'feel' for it. No need to apologise for indecision. It will take time. Glad today has been less anxious for you.Finally ditched the book I was trying to get into and started on Still Life, which has a note from the author and she quotes those words 'Ring the bells that still can ring'. Lovely words.
EllieAnne Hope youve been ok today and you saw friends at church. I'm sure you will feel some relief when better weather comes and you can be out and about more easily.
Doodle Hope your DHand yourself have had a decent night. Have you been able to get out and sit by the river again today?

Really low I'm afraid as have had pain all day. Took pain relief this afternoon and managed an hrs sleep. I dont understand why the bowel is affected with the bladder. My IC neber came with bowel aswell and pain flare never lasted as long or as severe. Have just got book about IC and it mentions Bladder Hydrodistention and the superficial tears that develop in bladder lining when distending.( they do heal but..)
Mentions only 3 mths of temporary pain lessening if at all. I shouldnt read so much but its not something GPs know much about and my Urologist is man of v few words.

I will have to get back in touch with his secretary on Tuesday. I cant go on with all this pain. I need hope and mustnt give up.

Nadateturbe Hope youve been ok today. Whiff Sally and any not mentioned.