Need help with Mum 92 starting to decline

We were in a similar situation with my mother, it took a while but we now have carers going in twice a day. It was a stay in hospital following a bad fall that set the wheels in motion for this. She wasn’t keen on having carers at first. We also found a lovely lady who goes in and cleans once a week, this made a massive difference as she wasn’t coping with her flat at all. Even with all this in place we are starting to struggle with her needs again & are now at the stage where Social Care are suggesting we start looking at residential care but mum wants to stay in her own home as long as possible, understandably. The problem is she is having falls at all hours of the day and night, is very frail & is not taking her medication properly (even though it is in bubble packs) she is not eating much other than at breakfast even though the carers make her something. We try or best but it’s a worry.

As others have said you should check that your mother is getting all the benefits and allowances she is entitled to and then try and get her assessed for help. It’s not always easy to access but there is help out there. As dragonfly46 has said Age Uk can offer help & advice.

SachaMac

We were in a similar situation with my mother, it took a while but we now have carers going in twice a day. It was a stay in hospital following a bad fall that set the wheels in motion for this. She wasn’t keen on having carers at first. We also found a lovely lady who goes in and cleans once a week, this made a massive difference as she wasn’t coping with her flat at all. Even with all this in place we are starting to struggle with her needs again & are now at the stage where Social Care are suggesting we start looking at residential care but mum wants to stay in her own home as long as possible, understandably. The problem is she is having falls at all hours of the day and night, is very frail & is not taking her medication properly (even though it is in bubble packs) she is not eating much other than at breakfast even though the carers make her something. We try or best but it’s a worry.

As others have said you should check that your mother is getting all the benefits and allowances she is entitled to and then try and get her assessed for help. It’s not always easy to access but there is help out there. As dragonfly46 has said Age Uk can offer help & advice.

It’s really difficult and I guess all of us would say we would rather stay in our own homes. My Mum went for a couple of weeks respite first and very soon settled in as her room was lovely - bright and sunny, there was a lovely sheltered garden which residents were encouraged to use (some homes have gardens but don’t use them) the food was excellent and I often stayed to lunch with Mum and the staff were amazingly kind. Also the local Dr was in and out all the time as were the district nurses so she actually got better NHS care than she did when she was at home and had to wait a week to see someone!

My Mum had forgotten how to use her cooker and microwave so was living on what she called “snacks” like cheese triangles, crackers, yoghourts and bananas. I used to take her out for meals or bring fish and chips which she loved.

She admitted to me that she was more relaxed in the care home because she knew there were staff there 24/7. She gained weight, took up knitting again and I visited her every other day and wheeled her out for walks or took her for a drive. She actually saw more people in there than she ever did at home.

Primrose53 What a lovely post. Your mum sounds very happy. I wish my mum would go into a home. I’ve broached the subject many times from different angles but she won’t hear of it. She’s very lonely and depressed, which in turn makes me fed up. 🤷‍♀️

It sounds as though things worked out really well for your mum Primrose53 it sounds a good place, you must have been so pleased and relieved to see her more relaxed & happy.
I wonder if a week or two respite for my mum might be a good start. She might actually enjoy being looked after and having company and we could relax knowing she has 24/7 care.

To katyj and SachaMac sorry I didn’t make myself clear but my Mum passed away at Christmas 2020. She was nearly 97 and passed away peacefully in her favourite pretty nightie, with her hair brushed nicely and her favourite Elizabeth Arden perfume.

As she faded away the staff never left her alone and every time I went in there was someone sitting with her either stroking her hand or playing her favourite music or reading her a poem.

She had given very clear wishes about how things should be at the end and she got exactly what she asked for. She was very clear that she did not want to be in hospital and she wanted me with her. I was with her all morning but as this was during the pandemic I wasn’t allowed to get a drink there so I said I would pop home get a drink and use the loo and have a wash.

I had not been in the house half an hour when the home rang to say Mum passed away and luckily my brother had decided to pop in so he was with her. The staff said often people hang on until their loved one has left and I believe that too because I told her I would be back soon but if she was ready to go then all her siblings and parents would be waiting for her.

The staff also read her the family memory book I made for her when she first developed dementia. She used to tell me little stories and I wrote them down and then typed them up and put them in a folder. All about her family, her home, her school and friends, her pets, games they played, funny things that happened. One of the carers said it was worth its weight in gold because if Mum ever got sad or anxious they would read it to her and she calmed down, smiled and was back to her usual happy self.

So sorry Primrose53 you must miss her. Its good to hear that she had such great care and she got her last wishes. The family memory book sounds brilliant

A day centre one or two mornings a week is a very good idea my mum and dad loved going although had never been big social goers Dad was a quite bit shy man and was very worried about going at first But they loved it and looked forward to it so much
There is one next to where I work and they have so much fun one lady assured her daughter she would never go to ‘one of them’ her daughter cunningly said they needed some older volunteers so she reluctantly said she’d help one day but that was it, only one day, but guess what the daughter can’t keep her away now
She may well have to pay but better she uses her saved money that way
Good luck you sound a great daughter

primrose53 So Sorry for your loss, but how wonderful for your mum. If only more homes could be like this.
I think that’s part of the problem for my mum has heard so many horror stories.
SachaMac if your mum is willing to try a couple of weeks I would definitely give it a go. Nothing to loose. I’m sure they’d all enjoy being looked after and the company.

Primrose53 that sounds like a very good home and I'm so glad your Mum had such good care. The memory book sounds wonderful and must have brought her much comfort.

A friend of mine had her father and father-in-law living in her and her husband's home. It was a big house so plenty of room, but she did get exhausted looking after them and was constantly injuring her back. The FIL died, and her father was adamant that he didn't want to go into a home, even though there was one a few doors away, or to have carers in. She carried on, looking more and more tired, struggling to lift him, but feeling it was somehow her 'duty' to carry out his wishes. He was very bad tempered and complaining too.

Eventually she couldn't carry on after doing it for years, and he went into the care home. Within a couple of weeks he was as happy as a sandboy!
So I think that the suggestions of elderly parents having visits, respite, short stays are excellent, as it must be terrifying for them to contemplate being somewhere new where they might not feel safe etc., and refusing to move in. Once they have tried it, knowing that if they don't like it, it is only temporary, they may discover how much they do like it!

It is frightening being old, forgetting things, getting less mobile and more and more dependent on others. It's understandable that they do not want to move into a care home; the short stay option seems the best way round it.

Worth contacting the local branch of Carers' Association - they will know what's available in your area and can offer some services to you as carer. I found them very helpful when I was looking after my late husband who had dementia.

We have the same situation with my MIL DP arranged a home visit from the gp who arranged for an assessment. She has a carer coming in twice daily to help her get up and ready and then in the evening to help her to bed. She is comfortably well off financially. The council have carried out a financial assessment and she has to pay £65 a week for the carers. She is also in receipt of attendance allowance.

A lot of good advice above. Lasting PofA for both finances and care would be a good idea - forms available online. Applying for Attendance Allowance a good idea - get help to fill in the 28 page form if necessary. Local CAB can also be helpful. Health check also with GP.

Try the organisation called Re-engage. They take small groups of people out for afternoon tea in volunteers' houses.
Also, when my lovely father in law was 92, some friends and I set up a small group locally which met once a month in my house for tea and cake. Yes. I provided the tea and the venue and my friends helped with cake and transport. All our guests loved it and we are still running it.

I have had elderly friends who loved going to a Day Centre, providing company, a nice simply cooked lunch, followed by something at teatime which meant that they could just have one of their favourite easy to prepare snacks for supper.

My mother fortunately never got to the stage when she needed a carer, living alone until she was 88. She loved going out to local cafes and pubs for lunch a couple of times a week and still cooked proper meals for herself and sometimes her remaining friends.

She had always made it clear that she wanted to go into a care home should the need arise, rather than impose on her willing family.

Perhaps ask your GP to refer your mum to either the Community Frailty team or the Frailty/Elderly Care team at the most local hospital. They should be able to Co-ordinate a lot of things as your mum declines and provide a single point of help/guidance for you.
The Attendance Allowance form is not easy to complete but offers around £68 pw towards care costs (whether or not you are actually receiving care). Hope this helps.

It sounds to me as if your mum is going down the dementia route. A visit to her GP to arrange an assessment would be a good idea. Age UK, Caters First can be helpful. My dad has been in a care home since my mum died. It soon became clear he couldn’t cope on
his own. There was a safety issue as he was having falls, he didn’t have the mental capacity to use a personal alarm. I’ve spoken to people where elderly parents refuse to let carers into their homes so it all depends if your mum will accept the help.

About ten years ago I needed help with housework so I advertised on our local Neighbours site and obtained a lady from the next village. She did cleaning, washing up etc. For about an hour daily. WhenI had hospital appointments she drove me there and was on call if I should have a fall. After fiveyears her mother died and she had to look after her father. I got a local, next street, help. She had worked in care homes.
She does all and more than my previous help. My previous helps father is now in a care home so she now helps me when present help is on holiday etc. I can afford to pay them well and do
get lower part of attendance allowance. One has to be unable to walk to get upper end.

Contact social services. They should either offer support or at least direct you to organisations that can give help. Of course your DM will have to accept any assistance, it won't all be down to you. Do hope you find a resolution.

Thanks Bijou

Just because someone cannot cope with housework, gardening etc doesn't mean they haven't still got all their wits about them.

If you apply for Attendance Allowance for her, it should pay for help, SecondhandRose and she will stop worrying about things that aren't being done such as cleaning.

Don't know what area you’re in but in the South of England there is a new organisation called ‘Good Lives Sorted’
It recruits special carers who have to go through quite a rigid process to get selected to help people in their own homes. An hour or more a day/as much or as little as is required. I know they are ‘special’ carers because my daughter is one of them and she loves going in to see and help her clients during the week. I don't think they carry out personal care but they do most other things like a little cleaning or making beds or shopping or even just going in and having a chat. The company try very hard to match the carers they recruit to the clients who need help. Good luck

Contact the ‘Older People Team’ at your local council . They will give you advice and possibly tell you she needs care workers coming in to her. You don’t have to have dementia to get in touch with them ….you just need to be old and in need of help!

See if your GP surgery has a "social presciber" attached to them. They do all sorts of referrals.