Need help with Mum 92 starting to decline

When my mother was in this situation we really had to do a lot of searching to find the right kind of help. There may be lots available but you really do have to look hard. For her we found a cleaner from a local company who had been DRB checked - very good. We also found a lady who kept Mum company once a week and stayed for a cup of tea. Also a charity that organised outings for elderly people at a very low cost. There was a day centre (again low-cost) where lunch was provided. As well as practical help it sounds as if your mother needs mental stimulation. As Mum loves bird-watching you could contact your local RSPB if there is one and explain the situation. It's possible someone might be able to take her to a local reserve for an hour or so. These type of organisations often put on events which are often not well-advertised. Your local Council may be able to help too as we sign up to their emails here and they are full of information about all sorts of local things. Do ask at the library or church as well. I'd advise picking everyone's brains and you may be surprised what is out there.

If you apply for attendance allowance ask Age UK to fill out the form for you as there are many pitfalls. I lost a lot of money for my Dad by not doing that. I was more careful with my Mum and the lady from Age UK did it.

My parents have a cleaner once a week who changes the bed as they find that hard to do and cleans the tiny flat.
We persuaded Dad to employ her when Mum was in hospital by telling him that the cleaner was looking for more work to help with the cost of living. He doesn't think that they need help but that he is helping the cleaner with a bit more money.

SecondhandRose, I could have written this post about my DM who’s 87 , very frail with poor mobility . I’m her carer as I’m the only sibling who’s local and go over 3 x week . Mum has been struggling with house work even washing up for a few years . I do her laundry, housework and finances . We have someone who does her shopping and would do more but mum insists it’s not necessary. Her personal care is getting neglected as well but she insists she’s fine , eg she wears the same clothes for 3-4 days and sometimes doesn’t wash . She stopped showering several years ago due to being frightened of falls .
I did apply for attendance allowance but we got refused due to her being able to do personal care independently.
However she can’t empty her commode or do her laundry nor take her rubbish out.
She’s pretty sharp mentally but I think she has got early dementia as she gets confused very easily . Plus her decline in personal care and around her flat . She’s also a hoarder which has got worse .
I feel for you , I really do and I’m following this with interest

My mother is the same, when I speak to her about it she says that she cannot be bothered with cleaning and doesn’t care what the house looks like. She prefers to just watch TV all day.

Claiming benefits is not going to change how she feels and she will not allow a cleaner in. My mother is still capable of decision making so if that’s what she wants to do then I think it is up to her. I would not like it if somebody else decided what were best for me if I were in my 90s with mental capacity.

My Dad (92) goes to a private day centre four days a week.
He has company, great food, they celebrate any and every event going, provide door to door transport.
Free initial taster day.
Dad refers to it as going to work!

See if there's anything similar locally that your mum could go to, it'll get her out of her four smaller walls and provide companionship, even if it's only one day a week.

Sorry I should also have said she has had lots of health checks recent inc vit B12 as I asked for that, lung xray, ecg, full blood count and a physio visits her. I crack the whip at the GP at every opportunity (in the nicest possible way!).

Thanks all. She only moved to the warden flat at Christmas. She doesn’t need to be in a care home. She has her faculties, eats well, gets dressed, she is just declining. I know she is bored and frustrated too as she loved to walk and birdwatch and hasnt found any fellow birdwatchers where she lives yet. She has a lovely ground floor garden flat. She is finding adjusting from her bunglaow difficult as she is used to more space. I will look into those benefits thank you.

You can apply for self directed support from the local authority
It’s a benefit I receive and I can get an extra 6 hrs payment a week to choose carers either from the LA or you can employ your own carers this benefit is to help me from going into a care home good luck
Ps I also receive care / support four times a day to help me with various things get your mum a social worker

Hetty58
There are some very good homes. I worked in one and my late mother in law was in another.

LRavenscroft, I agree (except for the 'nice residential home' bit - having never found one).

She should have a full check up and blood test - especially checking her B12 and D levels - as there may be a clear cause for the decline.

Is it possible to have a full health check for your mother? Heart, bloods, vitals, mobility if she is happy to co-operate. Then you can gauge the kind of help you need in. The laundry sounds to me as if she is tired and it is all getting too much for her. Are you retired? Do you have time to fill in some of the blanks? If you are working, then it may be wise to get help in to save yourself burning out. Each situation is different as is each elder. Only by balancing the whole lot up can you make a decision that suits and even then you may need to change six months down the line or even three months. I know because I looked after my parents and father in law full time over a ten year period. Look after yourself and your mum's well being and you will both feel better. No offense, but have you considered a nice residential home? Would mum be happy to move? Good luck whatever your decisions.

Just to add to the excellent advice already given - it may be worth checking that she doesn’t have a UTI, especially if her confusion and change in behaviour is a recent thing. If she’s not able to get a GP appointment then you can buy urine dipsticks at any chemist (Amazon do them too).

My mother had a cleaner, gardener, handyman etc. all paid from Attendance Allowance - in her 70s - plus plenty of help from family and neighbours. She found things 'difficult' (apparently) despite no evidence of any decline.

I think others often just struggle on for too long, trying to be independent. Here, there's a service to help with showering - but only weekly - for a small charge. Could she perhaps do some of the 'morning' tasks in the afternoon and change her routine a little?

Cabbie21

Also look into claiming Attendance Allowance which can help towards the costs of extra help.

Good idea.

This could pay for a cleaner for perhaps two hours a week as she is obviously not coping.

She couldn't see the kitchen was dirty today. Worrying about everything
Is her eyesight getting worse, SecondhandRose?

She would certainly qualify for Attendance Allowance, it is not means tested. I filled in the 28 page one for a friend of mine and she received the money easily.

Thank you. One brother and me both have POA for health and finances. Did it years ago. I will look into social services but would she qualify as she has two pensions and savings? I can get other people to help her but ideally I dont want others to do everything for her. She is still with it but declining. She is in a a flat with a warden and communal laundry. I took it all to wash today and used two washers. She got confused later on and wasnt able to sort it out after washing it. I am going back tomorrow and we can sort it out together but it is a concern.

I would second the idea of getting helpers in now eg cleaners, gardeners etc and work up to carers if she needs help getting dressed in the morning.

You say she doesn’t have dementia but inability to organise oneself can be part of this. It comes in so many forms. Even if its just that life is now a struggle (my uncle was like this) may indicate that she needs some investigations or interventions. Maybe a chat with the gp is in order?
Good luck with it all. Keep us posted.

Primrose53 is absolutely right. Social services can be an invaluable help. These services are all stretched and getting help organised can take time because of the shortage of carers so the sooner you act the better. You need to be firm and insist your mum needs help and resist any attempts to get you to commit to doing more.
My one piece of advice to you would be to get a Lasting Power of Attorney in place as soon as possible, if you have not already done so, while your mum is still competent to sign the papers. This will make dealing with your Mum’s affairs so much easier. The forms look long and complicated but they are nor really. There is an online guide and the important thing is to get the various signatories to sign in the right order.

Also look into claiming Attendance Allowance which can help towards the costs of extra help.

Sounds like she needs more help. First contact social services and see what they can do to help. It may be that getting in someone to help with getting dressed, breakfast, shower etc would help. Or someone to help with the cleaning.

Also look at Carers UK site. There is a useful forum too.