Black Dog 17

EllieAnne Been very windy here and overcast but sun came out a couple of hrs ago. Sorry about those migraines. I know you are so unlucky to be pestered with them. Oh dear, your week sounds as if it's been v difficult. You must be relieved to be able to relax so can understand you wanting to skip the bible study meet-up. It must have been nice to get to the park with son and DGS after the tension all week. Hope rest of weekend is ok for you.
HVDY I haven't heard anything about the poor man hit by the car last night. A neighbour knew nothing about it but did text son offshore as he's on Facebook and seems to know everyone in the village. Oh it is nice to see the tubs filled in the garden. They bring me so much pleasure to see them fill out. Ive been great today HVDY. Needed painkillers early but fine after that. 😊 Hope you have been well too. Bit windy here today.
Whiff I don't know how I would cope with such a heartbreaking thing like estrangement from a son. I think the grief that it's caused you must be v bad for your physical health too. Not knowing why must be the hardest thing to bear. I'm sure youve tried so hard to meet halfway and tried contacting him many times. I don't see what else you can do, unless your daughter could intervene but I seem to remember you saying she is no longer in contact with him either. Sorry if I'm mistaken. As you say, once your DGC are old enough they may well make contact with you themselves. I'd love to think so and that some sort of peace can be brought to the situation. You so deserve that PIP. I wish it could be sorted for you soon, its so unfair.
Wyllow I felt fairly certain you said you have bi-pola depression but didnt want to sound like I didnt care by mistaking your MH condition as something else. I'm so glad you wrote that letter to your son and dil. It's easier to convey our thoughts into written words as we get more time to think and use words more accurately. Well it certainly would be for me. I often get tongue tied in conversation and then have afterthoughts--why did I say this or that. You must feel so much better after their loving responses. Hope that back is not getting any worse.

Its been a good day but not only that, I have felt a bit high which is strange. I think my emotions are a bit erratic tbh. Anyway took aunt out to supermarket for bits and a coffee. Heard some new stories and tales though if she tells same ones I pretend Ive heard them for 1st time. Then some v light gardening (mum once said I reminded her of Marg from The Good Life. Its so not true, I never wear gardening gloves). Then I was having a tidy and came across some old music. Real easy stuff which I could enjoy (Ive let myself get rusty). Playing songs from 'Oliver' was fun then I got to 'As Long as he Needs me'. It choked me, thinking of all the abused Nancys and the way she sacrificed her own happiness for the villain. Maybe she believed she could change him. I understand that.
Anyway I hope everyone has managed to cope today. Thinking of all BDs and those reading. X

I went to son 1 this morning and we took little one to the park . But it’s been quite rainy and windy here. I’ve had 2 silent migraine today and though no pain it has left me sleepy.
We were supposed to be having a get together tomorrow night for the end of bible study but for various reasons partly weather it’s been postponed. I am so relieved that I don’t have to make the effort. It’s been such a stressful week because of dd being here.
Hope everyone ok and having better weather than me.

Wyllow Hope today has been a good day for you, MH-wise. Good that your son and DIL understand the way you feel and that they responded with affection.

SweetpeaSue If one or 2 glasses of wine helps you, why not? Any news about the hit and run victim? What a terrible thing to happen.

Whiff Your son was unbelievably cruel in his treatment of you. I hope that, in the future, your grandchildren will want to seek you out and get to know you. Have you still not been awarded PIP? I can't work out how some people get it and others don't. You deserve it. As for your friend (how's her cat?), some people ask for advice and then ignore it. I've had friends like that, but don't give advice now.

How has everyone been today? DH and I bought some plants, so I filled the hanging baskets and tubs, and now it looks pretty on the patio. It's very windy here today x

In abusive rejections one can never quite finish asking "why" Whiff its hard to live with. And the thinking you knew a person but didnt. Well, your friend, MH stuff or not, is a difficult one to accommodate.

I don't go on buses, haven't for ages, as I'm always afraid something will go wrong and I won't get back, so I do understand that. I'm just so aware you need that PIP. Thank goodness for my car I'm fortunate.

So many of you suffering mentally and physically but glad to see you are talking about how you feel here and some of you in person to someone. I think if I didn't talk about how I feel it would only make me feel worse. So I ramble on GN threads mainly the estrangement support thread. Which has been a lifeline for me. I felt so alone and lost when my son sent that email and 3 months later when he sent back all their birthday cards and birth presents and card for my new grandson . The presents had been crushed with his vile letter. This was May and August 2020. Even when I had my diagnosis of HPX last year I text to say I was sending a letter as it was a health matter . I heard nothing no even at least you know what is wrong mom. When my son decided to dump me he knew I was waiting for further tests on my heart. If he had opened his birthday card he would have found out about my hole. I decided a few months ago to give him one last chance . So text him asking to speak to him . Had vile text back so I am done. For 32 years I had a kind and loving son and still love that son. But who he is now I do not love or like . He was raised with unconditional love and plenty of attention. My health got worse when he was 6 months old and my daughter 4. But neither ever came to any harm through my limb jerks and severe pain. I was hands on mom apart from taking them to and from playschool and school . When my daughter started high school she said mom and dad I will take him and fetch him back. So she did. Before that my mom and mother in law took it in turns to do it.

We all reach a point in our lives when we have to call a halt to things that hurt us. With my son he didn't care how much he hurt me. And I will never know the real reason why. He called my vindictive and manipulative 2 things I have never been . Love to know how and when I did these things. Both my children left home permanently in 2006 son to uni and my daughter back to where she went to uni and finally got the career she had worked so hard for. It's what I wanted . Where I lived my daughter worked temp jobs and only came home to help her brother through A levels and support me after their dad died. But I wanted then to live their own lives. I could have been one of those moms who guilt tripped their children into staying close by but that was me or my husband. We raise our children to become adults with good values and have to let them go.

Estrangement is still a taboo subject as people assume it's the parents fault but it's our adult children who decide . I feel like I have been convicted , sentenced and punished for a crime I have no idea what I did. But my son not only threw me away but all our side of the family. So my 3 grandson's with be 7,5 and 3 this year no idea what the youngest is named or his date if birth. But one day there will be a reconning when my grandson's are older and they no longer can control them. But I assume they will be told I am dead. But I will be here if they decide they want to know the truth.

Why I have mentioned all that is because mental health used to be a taboo subject but thankfully it's not anymore. There is help but finding that help seems to be a post code lottery for some of you. Plus also having physical health problems has a knock on effect as it makes your mental health worse. Sadly some of you haven't got a loving and supportive partner and hide your problems from family and friends. But glad to say some have found help to talk about your mental health. I never knew I had anxiety I thought I was weird but talking to others with HPX now realise I have that's why I am a planner and can't relax on bus and train journeys as I get anxious about missing my stop. Also why I have to plan things ahead and hate it when things don't work out. I can do spur of the moment things like in an emergency but it it's sets some if my HPX syptoms into overdrive. But I always willing to help anyone anytime.

My family and friends apart from one understands this. But my friend who should have come the other week who's cat got attacked by a fox doesn't. Says she will come soon but not plan ahead but told her I can't do that . I need at least a month's notice. But she has only had to please herself since her divorce in 1996 had no children. Only looked after her mom for 3 weeks before she died. So only had to look after herself and the cats.

She is a dear friend and love her but she can't make a decision to save her life. She used to ask my advice and gave it then did the opposite but was never happy about it and said she should have listened to me. So unless she takes my advice I won't help her. Harsh I know but I got sick of her moaning when things went wrong. If she had mental health problems I could understand but apart from arthritis she is healthy and 4 years older than me . Drives and never had money worries.

When I read what you are all going through and the courage it takes to face your mental and physical health problems plus those of your family . And all the help and support you give to everyone on BD. Shows my friend has a charmed life. And know if she had to face a fraction of what any of you are going through she couldn't cope. But don't think I don't tell her these things because I do. I don't lie as my memory is shocking and I am a straight talker no waffle. Hence my rambles I write as I talk.

No idea why I have written all this as you all have enough to cope with . But thats me . But this me only came about when I had my wake up call when I found out I could have died in 2017 from jaundice . So I only wanted 3 things in my life and done all 3. Best thing I every did was move here and found me again and finally after my husband dieing in 2004 got to live the life I wanted in 2019 when I moved here.

I know these is completely off track of BD but when I feel I need to write things down I just ramble on.

You are all stronger than you think and you face each day with courage and compassion for eachother. An wonderful strong inspiring group of wonderful women.

Hey Sweetpeasue just ask next time. We can't possibly remember everything each other has said.

Well there are worse things than resorting to wine...

sorry about the horrible incident. x

Best nights, BD's

Wyllow I've just spent an hr and half trawling through previous BD threads as I wasn't sure I was right about the Bipolar Depression I thought you had. I felt awful that I might be wrong. So sorry if Ive not remembered correctly.
This is what I'm like. I live life worried Ive offended people.
Not feeling good tonight. Had to take painkillers again. Plus resorted to couple glasses of wine as just plummeted downhill.
I am glad you managed to reach out to your son and DIL and I'm sure you will feel better about that, and of course their loving response. While I was looking through past BD posts I was struck by the huge difficulties you faced. I know those are v much still ongoing but you have had to deal with so much and you have done amazingly well to just keep on trying.
Totally different thing but horrifying incident happened tonight. Hit and run at the top of our road. DH went out an hr ago and dreadful scene. Hope the poor young
man lives.
Sorry if Ive rambled. Thinking of you Wyllow.

Closeness last year NOT next year of course.

*Sweetpeasue so glad to hear about the better day. Well, next week you can see how you go. Only GP can tell you if she'll refer you to MH access, I wouldn't second guess, tho I'd be surprised of she didn't, as all she does is make the referral and then they would triage. but its actually good you have that assessment next week, as you say you can say "no".

Yes, my strong mood shifts are part of my condition, it's a matter of managing as best I can. All I CAN say is, is that in the past I would have swung into cutting everyone off depression by now, and I haven't. A lot is due to posting here, (as in I am not alone in having MH stuff and feel free to post it) and of course having a counsellor an held onto MH services to date.

One of my main feelings earlier was re family and isolation from after closeness next year, so I finally Wrote The letter to them. Am reasonably happy with the balance I struck which summarised that GP at MOT said I'm not likely to get better CFS wise for long foreseeable, but also I ventured to say MH wise what just said here - that in the past with the triggers I have mostly Ex stuff I would have retreated into severe depression (which of course they have experienced) but I haven't and want to keep contact as best as via WhatsApp and pix. Sent to both simultaneously as Ds doesn't always pass it onto DiL. Both responded lovingly and I had a chat with DGD (the disabled one, who is always willing to say whats she's done with a little help.

It didnt help immediately - I went upstairs bad to hide in bed for 3 hours -

the reality of not being able to carry on and decide about moving and everyday limitations and how much energy I'd spent on stressful house moving stuff only to end up deciding not atm including turning down living near them sort of hit me and needing extra MH drugs as I'd written it down (carefully, low key) to them made it so real. I'd thought I'd try to do without a drink but am having one and just want time to pass till bedtime and no thinking for a while.

A very understandable reaction, *HVDY - prove what you still CAN do and it often works as worst fears are sometimes catastrophising so you feel pleased with what you've done.

I had the tiger cats some time ago and they were with first Ex we always had a brother and sister cat, two lots. Great to have in our lives.
My sis says get a dog or cat but I don't want to have to feel responsible for looking after a pet atm

SweetpeaSue I would only ever have an adult (senior) cat, and only ever a rescue one - Mr Cooper was roughly 7 when we found him. I don't know. I certainly won't be here at 83! So pleased you haven't had any pain today. You must be very relieved about that. Strawberries are lovely - I eat lots of fruit - I got some lovely British ones from Asda.

I think the less I do, the less I'm able to do (saw that happen to SO many people when I worked as a carer), so I hoovered the bedrooms and swept down the stairs. That'll do .

Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening. x

HVDY So grey and drizzly here too. Only 16 ° Your Mr Cooper was lovely and was so much loved. It was such a sad and abrupt end for him but I know how very much you looked after him and he had a wonderful life. You must miss him so much. 64 +19, youd be 83. Still time and I know it would be loved and give back love in return. It's the heartbreak at the end, I understand. I adored my son's Labrador (we looked after him a lot while he worked offshore) and was gutted when he'd to be put down at the end. Your fox is soo lucky.
Scaredycat Thankyou Scaredycat. How much time we spend with worry and fear of this and that and it does rob our self-confidence, you're right. I think many people do it too yet some seem to be born with out the curse of so much introspection and they dont worry as much if they've said this or that wrong. I know you held off from the AD's for a while but really glad you feel they have helped.My counsellor called this morning to arrange an assessment to discuss what type of counselling might be beneficial. Assessment is next week and though she will do that by telephone it would be another councellor Id have session with though not sure how long that would be. I went with that(can always back out) as I'm not sure if GP will refer me to Access yet. I love Quiche and salad, one of my favourite meals. Eton mess sounds divine too, love desserts.
Wyllow Your Quaker friend must love to speak to you and be glad of the info and help you give. Sounds as if she is understanding of your own MH issues too. Oh but so sorry for your extreme black mood after waking. Is this what the Bi-Polar is always like - that can change so suddenly and in such an extreme way? It is particularly cruel. You must have to tell yourself that it will pass, yet feelings are so powerful they can overide logic. Please do ring crisis if your thoughts start to get out of hand. Thinking of you.
Nadateturbe How are you today?

Hope EllieAnne and all BDs are ok today.

My day has been really good with vitually no pain. Went to little market village and brought home the most delicious strawberries ever tasted and a lovely strong cheddar. Pottered about a bit then came home and been thinking about what to do about counselling. Didnt expect an assessment date so soon and thought someone different would call rather than own counsellor. Access, through GP surgery might not come off so keeping foot in both camps might be necessary. If after assessment next week it looks like it mighnt be too long for another set of allotted sessions I might get lucky. I dont know what to do now but will need to see my GP on Monday anyway.
Feel v tired about everything as still not sleeping but grateful for a good painfree day.

Lovely posts, both, full of understanding.

Oh BD's - have hit a terrible low when waking up an hour ago. I knew I had got high and stayed up too late last night and shouldn't have drunk those 2 glasses of wine. Everything "wrong" hit me at once. It's like a wall of black lurking hits me the moment I wake and I have to repeat this struggle most times I wake up tho usually not as bad. Blummin MH. I think only the knowledge I can ring in crisis means I dont think of vv bad stuff.

The cruel thing is it occurs AFTER a good thing ie making it to see friend

ScaredyCat I'm glad the ADs are helping you. Your pub meal sounds lovely. I had sweetcorn & courgette fritters with salad at a pub today.

SweetpeaSue How are you today?
How are all other BDers today? It's been grey and drizzly here today (I prefer that to the heat). Hope everyone's ok x

Wyllow- Tiger cats are lovely- we had one for 20 yrs and my Sis still has one. I,m sorry you lost yours.
I,m so glad you have a Quaker friend who you can talk and relax with. She will have empathy and understanding of MH with her experiences with her brother.
Sorry your back played up,again but it sounds as if the walk didn’t aggravate it. Standing in queues doesn’t help though does it. What a result when the Chemist queue isn’t a mile long!
Take care

Wyllow3 A pretty ginger cat strolls through our garden every day - DH shoos him off - and I often think I'd love another cat. Mr Cooper has been gone 8 months now, and I miss him, but wonder if it would be wise to have another (cats live a long time - he was 19).

Glad you managed to see your Quaker friend. Did you have a coffee? Her brother is daft to take drugs, and his MH will be made even worse by them. I went with DH to a large retail place called McArthur Glen earlier, and he got himself some shoes. I realised that I'm really quite disabled, and was actually walking better than this a year ago. Not easy to accept at all.

Hi All.
SweetPeaSue- you must feel lost without your lovely,kind counsellor,especially as she believed your problems in such a caring way.
Maybe you could call the mental health worker who said you could do that after the sessions ended. Wyllow has given you much knowledgable advice and info and hopefully reassurance that a lot of your fears about counselling are just that - fears. There will be other good ,kind people to help you if you feel up to it.
I can only say from experience that being worried and scared is so wearying and destroys confidence. The low dose of ADs I take now have just helped me deal with those feelings - especially the Health anxiety.
I hope you,ve had a better day todayx
Nadateturbe- glad I rested yesterday afternoon- felt better for it.
Yes we see my friend when we can. As she lives a long way away.We miss her DH too as we had many good times together.
Oh dear I am older than you and Wyllow and agree Old age is not a barrel of laughs- but we must grow old disgracefully!!!!
HVDY- I,m well past my sell by date but in my head I sometimes feel about 15- pity my body feels so ancient.
Your fox must think he’s died and gone to fox heaven- he’ll be bringing his relatives to visit soon
You are a wise GM to give the young people space - Thursday will be a day to look forward to.
We had quiche and salad and Eton Mess for lunch at a very old pub.
EllieAnne- your worries and feelings are not trivial. To feel so sad and alone in your own home is both mentally and physically damaging.
Do hope the family troubles improve soon.
Is there any chance you could get some of the stuff done in your house and your husband just pay for it?
Doodle- hope you are having a lovely day today.
Love to all BD both posters and readers

I know there are foxes, I can hear them at night. Recently a tiger cat has been lurking, but the attraction of an adoptive now and then cat is outweighed by the fact that once I lost a tiger cat who was lured away.

I'm still half asleep as stayed up late to watch Question Time, unwisely as it was a struggle to get up and dressed to meet up with Quaker friend, but made it on foot despite another back twig. But not as bad as previous back twig. It's hard accepting that a 12 min walk there and back was exhausting tho. Still, made it and enjoyable chat, particularly so because I was scared I'd put hereof at last quaker business meeting by having to admit was too MH vulnerable to take responsibilities on.

Her brother has MH stuff not totally unlike Ex, the tendency to fantasise and believe it and also stupidly take drugs that could mess with head so I find each time I see her its easier and we do get on well. Also the dreaded weekly list to Chemist as queues can take half an hour plus and was lucky today.

There's a woman on YouTube (her channel is Debs)who has 4 foxes that come to her house (2 of them go into her porch) every night for food. She hand-feeds 2 of them, sometimes. A badger visits the garden as well.

HVDY Ok Ok. 😅 Make the most of your 10 mths! 😂
Oh it must be wonderful to have a fox in your garden. I have seen badgers a couple of times in holiday cottages. They love peanut butter sandwiches.

Thanks so much Wyllow What an amazing lot you are here on BD. Really. x

PM'd you Sweetpeasue

Nadateturbe It's been so helpful to hear everyone's thoughts. Thankyou for yours too. I do see what you mean. Your posts are kind and understanding. I hope you get a decent rest tonight. x

SweetpeaSue My GP told me that 65 is the official medical for someone who is "elderly", so I've got another 10 months to go although I feel much older. I think Wyllow3 knows more about MH than most of us, so is right in what she says.

I just put some food out for "our" fox, and he was there! Early tonight. He picked up a chicken (cooked) thigh, realised it was too hot, and dropped it. I've left dog food and thrown him a raw thigh and he's eating that now. He's so pretty. Hope all BDers have a restful night x

Snap nadateturbe I'm 72 too. I do know how to modify yoga so it's time to really tone it all down.

I'm extremely bendy (hypermobile or double jointed) so of course in my yoga life have done some pretty extreme stretches - for years, but my body can't take it. (grump, moan, but it's probably loads of gransnetters)

Wyllow3 sorry, got mixed up, it’s HVDY who likes aqua aerobics. I hope the swimming helped your back, and you’re not too tired, after making an effort not to overdo it.
You too Scaredycat. I think it’s lovely that you saw your friend. I think people who have lost their partner need a lot of support from their friends.
EllieAnne it really seems that you have a very unhappy home life. Is there no way you can get out of it? Your problems don’t sound trivial at all. It can’t help needing things done and not being able to sort it out. Can you not broach rhe subject in some way? Do you and your husband not talk?
HVDY I think you’re very wise letting your son and DiL control visits. It’s so good that your husband is going to retire, another wise decision. You don’t have too long to wait for his pension.
Doodle you better hurry before my husband finishes off the crumble.
Sweetpeasue I can understand your reluctance to see someone who deals with mental health. But the person you are seeing now doesn’t believe you are irrational and I think your records would be passed on to the new person. I’m not sure going private is the better choice as it would interrupt the continuity iykwim. But either would probably be better than having no counsellor. I have seen a counsellor privately for different reasons and she was very good. It was great to have someone to confide in.
It’s so difficult for you. In the end I think you have to decide what will give you the best chance of feeling better, and having some kind of peace of mind. I hope the diazepam help you to sleep tonight.
I think Wyllow3 has given some good advice.
Sorry my posts are always so brief.
Wyllow3 it's true about pain. I'm 72 with arthritis in my neck and upper back, and have the same problem. Such fun being older!
Whiff hope you are ok.
goodnight everyone.

Scaredycat I remember you posting about your friend's husband. It must have been good to see her a little better and I'm sure lunch with you would help her. I'm glad you felt a little better today. I feel guilty now about my cupboards. Actually its not so much cupboards as the lrge drawers built under our bed. I tend to put everything and anything in them.
HVDYs 'twerking twerp' made me laugh too. I'm a pear-shape(wide-hips) 😩 You and Wyllow are welcome to some of my bum!
Wyllow I'm sorry you had a bad night. I'm sure the swimming felt good-20 mins is great and you managed to stop after the swimming too.
You really are a mine of info on MH. Youve allayed my fears of the older adult catagory. I know I open up here but I find it difficult to reveal to someone F2F innermost stuff. It's a sign of a good rapport with my counsellor that I felt at ease with her. She treated me gently. I'm scared of being'took over' and of some psychologist thinking there's something wrong with my reaction to what happened when I think most people would feel anxious. I'm just scared of being alone with it all now (the overwhelming feelings) but of course I'm lucky to have DH. He may not feel lucky to have me! Ha.
Its the exhaustion of emotions that make you feel wrung out. I know counselling can be hard work at times as you know too. I dont think I'm up to feeling interrogated yet I know it depends on the counsellor.
She was such a good friend to me Wyllow It really hurts deeply to lose her. You must have felt like that too with ones who help. I'll never fkrget her. Ships that pass in the night--thank goodness for them.
Hope you sleep better tonight and thanks.