Black Dog 17

Candy "Trouble is, I rely on exercise to help with my anxiety/mood but just can’t do too much at the moment. I’ve struggled the last few days with low mood/anxiety but as you will all understand" nail on head there! Yes, do go and get checked out as much as possible because that swimming matters so much when you can make it.

Thank you for your understanding Sweetpeasue and others. I just wish I didnt swing between feeling blank or low and sudden plunge into those feelings like yesterday, but I dont now f a way.

I actually slept Ok and woke to a bitter sweet dream - I was with my grandchildren happily laying with them. woke feeling strange and wondering who "I" am anymore. It feels a long time till 2pm and I mustn't get my hopes up too much. Maybe hang out at the gym for a while before not doing a lot.

I'm hoping that BD's have the very best day that you can xx

Evening all, I’m so sorry I’ve not been in for so long but I’ve spent some time today catching up with all your posts. As most of you know, I’ve been feeling very tired of late. I know the heat doesn’t help but I honestly feel I could sleep at any time, so I’ve made an appointment with the nurse at the surgery to see if I can get some bloods done, just in case something’s lacking. I was so exhausted today that at lunchtime I went and sat in my car and had a nap using the alarm on my phone to wake me up in time to go back to work! Hopefully, there’ll be something to help. Trouble is, I rely on exercise to help with my anxiety/mood but just can’t do too much at the moment. I’ve struggled the last few days with low mood/anxiety but as you will all understand, it’s a matter of getting through and plodding on. Anyway enough about me, you all have so much to deal with I know.
Wyllow sorry you’ve had a difficult day. It must be so hard for you having to deal with all the emotions and feelings surrounding your ex. I hope the psychologist finds a way of providing you with more ongoing support. You try so hard, it must be exhausting for you. I hope the psychiatrist is of some help too. She sounds like she knows her stuff so hopefully she’ll come up with something that can really help you through this difficult period. I certainly hope so.
Sweetpeasue like others, I’ve not heard of Adenomyosis either. No wonder you’ve suffered so much. It sounds like your pain has been slightly better of late and I hope this continues for you. You will of course be worried about Thursday but do try and relax a little. The consultant sounds like he’s very competent, even though he’s got no bedside manner, but I guess you can put up with that as long as he gives you some answers. I really hope everything goes ok.
Ellie-Anne those slimming pills don’t sound like they’re ideal and I think I’d definitely think long and hard about taking them. I know it’s hard but please stay safe and look after yourself. I hope your weekend wasn’t too bad. I like going for long walks too, but like you said, it’s just been too hot. Hopefully the weather will cool a little soon and we can get back on it.
HVDY hope the ‘sweep’ goes well tomorrow and the baby finally makes a safe arrival. You must all be very excited.
Nadaterturbe I hope you are getting better and feeling stronger now. You’ve had a difficult time.

Hope Doodle has a lovely holiday. Best wishes to Scaredycat Whiff Joane123 mrshat and Namsnanny (hope I’ve not missed anyone). Wishing everyone a peaceful night xx

EllieAnne Although I've vaguely heard of these drugs and the side effects I dont know anymore about them. If those side effects that HVDY has listed are so horrible I really wouldnt want to risk them. I've put some weight back on that I lost at the height of my bowel pains, but I'm just going to have to try and lose it the hard way. I know your self esteem is very low right now and I hope if you decide to go down a route of taking pills you can talk to your Dr or a pharmacist so you can understand what they could do to you. I think wecan often use food for comfort, I know I have, or a drink or two or more. I fully understand.
Hope you meet a friend or two at Bible study tonight.
HVDY Your son's GF must be getting fed up of the waiting and the heat. It's hard to have a needle phobia
Iknow as my son passes out if he needs one, even at Dentist.
Yes, nice to talk to son and we talked a bit about the Urologist and stuff. He goes back to Aberdeen Thursday.
Wyllow What a really rotten day you've had. I hope the Psychiatrist will help tomorrow. So many cut backs with not enough nurses ect--you are bound to feel worried and vulnerable. I hope you can make Psychiatrist see that you need further support.
I wish I knew what to say to make the hurt less about ex but it's a bereavement of a certain kind, as you say, and v complex. Yes, tempting when feeing alone and remembering good times, to ring, but you won't because you know it will hurt you even more, and you need to find and keep the self you had to hide. You are worth it Wyllow. Hang on. See the Psychiatrist tomorrow. Youve had a bad day - tomorrow might feel a little better. x

Hope all BDs are ok. Take care.

Phew the anxiety there threw up a big 'No". HVDY.

problem of abuse bereavement is that a lot of people think oh you are better off without them (son and DiL) but he was the love of my life for a long time - still alive, and out to hurt if I contacted - complex.

From a very good article,
"Abusive relationships require us to swallow our anger, hide our feelings; they can be mind-bending and crazy-making. We can end up losing access to our feelings, our voice, our likes and dislikes, our values, what make us ‘us’. We are either shamed out of it, or we have to hide it in order to survive (or both).

Your grief may also be complicated by trauma, the blows to your self-esteem from repeated criticisms, the blame that you have usually internalised for any problems in the relationship, and the social isolation that often develops as the result of the abuser’s controlling and possessive behaviour."

But understanding and feeling my way through are very different.

Orlistat side-effects -

oily spotting on underwear or on clothing
gas with oily spotting
urgent need to have a bowel movement
loose stools
oily or fatty stools
increased number of bowel movements
difficulty controlling bowel movements
pain or discomfort in the rectum (bottom)
stomach pain
irregular menstrual periods
headache
anxiety

Just Google side-effects for Saxenda -

The most common side effects of Saxenda® in adults include nausea, diarrhea, constipation, vomiting, injection site reaction, low blood sugar (hypoglycemia), headache, tiredness (fatigue), dizziness, stomach pain, and change in enzyme (lipase) levels in your blood.

SweetpeaSue You've had a productive day, then, and talked to your son as well. Try not to worry about Thursday (easier said than done), just get through one day at a time - I suppose a lot of do that. Glad your pain didn't last too long today.

I once (years ago) asked a GP about Orlistat. He said the side-effects are unpleasant- frequent, oily diarrhoea which can come on suddenly. The latest thing is Saxenda, although I think the side-effects are similar. I'll stay fat. Mum-to-be is terrified of needles - every time she has blood taken, she applies an anaesthetic cream an hour beforehand, to numb the pain. She's already got a child (almost 13).

Wyllow3 Son's GF will have a C section on 26th if baby isn't here by then. Hope it won't come to that, as it's major surgery really, isn't it. The loss you feel over the happy times you had with your ex must be like a bereavement, in a way. Not something to come to terms with easily. Have a glass of wine (or 2, 3, 4, if it helps). Yes, putting on any front is a strain.

Hope all other BDers have been ok today x

Just caught up. The poor girl, HVDY. I had no idea. I'm glad therefor she's having a C section. Well done for aqua aerobics.

EllieAnne they are unknown to me. I'm just hoping you get a weeny tiny bit of reassurance tonight that you do count (cos you very much do).

It's bound to pre-occupy you this week Sweetpeasue totally understand, post away her! Just glad you had a bit of a "day out" of the pain.

In a pretty bad state. Pshcyologist got the picture tho and was very different from before when she realised that looking for "helpful do this or think that" I was past that. Discussed problem of information liaison between my counsellor and MH (or complete lack of, except what I say, which confuffles my mind

I'm not well enough to be my own "link person" when it comes to assessing serious depression.

We did discuss?? of having a worker she said whats best and I just cried I dont know!!!. They are so short of nurses to allocate - waiting lists and so on..
So having seen psychologist am seeing psychiatrist tomorrow. She can triage help.

(The meeting with the psychologist triggered an afternoon where in great agony of mind and unable to rest I just howled and grieved about the good times with eX. Oh how much temptation to phone but the man I thought I knew has gone. He was good for and too me for 3 years but wanted me to be under his control Be the great rescuing hero (I was MH poorly when I met himself)
but keep the role but both his own illness and his personality stuff were bound to come out in the end he couldn't hide it. The trouble is it feels intolerable both th repress it and to feel it due to my own MH vulnerabilities which lead to serious depression as in now.

The Psychiatrist is the best I've ever had - but her resources now, slim. I hope I get some good advice. Just have to get though till then

Yes am going to have that glass of wine now. Unbearable tension and not going to take more tranx.

sorry cant comment on others I'll be back and have read you xxx just now. (ps have sorted the computer lead - had to hold it together for when he came. "You're looking well" he said. .

Its a big strain to put on the front, isnt it.

Definitely wouldn’t cope with an epidural then. Let’s hope baby arrives soon.
Doodle have a lovely time.
Sun is back today but not so warm.
Going to my bible study group tonight though I still feel I don’t belong. But will be stopping for the summer in a week or two.
I’m thinking of buying some pills from chemist to help lose weight. Orlistat or something similar. Have any of you tried them?

Whiff What you said in your post was so kind and I understand when you said BD feels a safe place. No one is judgemental and are there to support. It's amazing that a few kind words can make such a difference. I think we understand each other's fragility even though our circumstances can be so different. Hope you have been ok today and have had a good day.
Wyllow When we are weary it's hard to cope with practical things going wrong and you are right to be annoyed when youve not got a replacement. We rely on technology so much now. Such a relief for you to manage the temporary fix. Hope your Psychiatrist could offer the help you need and reassure.
EllieAnne Back then does seem like the 'olden days' now doesn't it. Days of soaking towelling nappies in buckets and routine episiotomys. 😩
All mothers on our ward given a bottle of Guinness!
HVDY Hope you had a good time at aqua aerobics and with friend. After shopping for a few bits had a talk with son and then washing out and in garden - 15 mins later black cloud and poured down for 5mins then nice again.

Painkillers relieved early morning bladder pain then been fine all day apart from usual bladder discomfort. Washed bedding, changed bed and phone call with sister. Trying not to think about Thursday but it's difficult. Pre-assessment at hospital tomorrow so early morning. Hoping everyone has had a decent day.

SweetpeaSue Keep posting, we're all friends here, and we all support you (and each other).

Wyllow3 Best of luck with your Psychologist appointment today.

Doodle Have a fantastic holiday. You and your husband so deserve it.

EllieAnne They will do a C Section under general anaesthetic because of her health anxieties/phobia of needles. She sees a Psychiatrist about those problems. She's apparently convinced that she's going to die in childbirth . Obviously, all the health professionals have told her she'll be fine. No logic to any of her worries, it's just the way she is. How are you today? What's the weather like? It's humid and sunny here.

Did aqua aerobics, went for brunch with my friend, and I'm going to have a lazy afternoon. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

Be back later.
Just wanted to wish Doodle and DH a womderful time away. Thankyou so much for reassurance Doodle. Whiff and Wyllow. I fact, everyone here.

Going to be leaving shortly. As I mentioned, wi fi connection will be hit and Miss but I’ll be here whenever I can. Take care all and I’ll be thinking of you xx💕

Hvdy I hope the sweep works. Don’t understand why a section under g a . Usually it’s induction. Or if a section it’s with an epidural. My d in l had that. I had an emergency section under ga. But that was in the olden days 😂😂😂

Just at bedtime I tried to plug in my new recon computer in for this mornings Zoom, the charger has been dodgy from the outset last week and they’ve failed to get me a new one. Cue…v bad night as angry and yet another thing … this morning I somehow bodged a connection by propping plug up with Tupperware. Just believe psychologist will tell me I’m not trying hard enough and seek to carry on lengthening the gap between appointments and not enough help. After last major depression 2017 to 2020 said I’d never cope with these feelings again. We’ll see.

sweetpeasue it’s OK to post xx

Doodle are you off today? Best break wishes.

Sweetpeasue because of your posts I have learnt about a condition I had never heard off. And like others looked it up. No wonder you have been going so much pain. Like Doodle I feel I care about everyone here. This is a safe thread where everyone gives unconditional support, kindness and understanding. That's the lovely think about BD not everyone agrees with what people say but no one is ever nasty and for me I have learnt so much that can effect your mental and physical health than I knew before.

Wyllow and everyone with appointments this week hope all goes well for you.

Sweetpeasue we are all equal and that includes you. As I’ve said before anyone can post as much or as little as they choose and want to share. There’s nothing wrong with what you’ve posted. No need to feel bad. Please don’t be so hard on yourself. We know you care as we do for you now rest easy please x

I have just re-read my posts. I'm really sorry if I've been too desperate in needing help from fellow BD's. I don't mean to monopolise and as Doodle says we are all equal. I feel awful if it comes across differently.
I feel so bad and I know you are all suffering in many different ways but all the same MH wise. I really care about you all.
.

Doodle Sorry, yes we crossed posts but I didn't see your latest.
When I had that appt at RVI with Gynaecologist he said as long as Id stopped bleeding I could restart on v low dose of HRT, half a patch. Though I'm not sure what to think about that now.
Just looking at letter and he just says as bleeding has settled no more investigation required.
Last September MRI found 'bulky' uterus, which is sure indicator for Adenomyosis yet that Gynaecologist wasn't interested.
Uterus back to normal size now so that must be why the Adenomyosis not causing me the pain too aswell as not bleeding.

Hope you have much needed rest afyer all your packing in preperation for your we-deserved holiday. Sending love.
X

HVDY So glad the cool shower has helped even so briefly but you cant douse your legs in cold water all the time. Hope you can sleep.

The Adenomyosis is not giving me pain anymore and I believe it's partly because of stopping the HRT on 5th March. I didnt want to stop it at the time because I hadnt bled for 3 mths but think stopping ithas contributed to continued lack of uterus pain.

,Wyllow I hope that despite doubts of help tomorrow Psychologist may have some assurances that may comfort. Though crossed fingers for Tuesday that Psychiatrist can give more concrete help in a way forward for you with meds to help and turn around your sinking into further depression and apathy. I do hopeshe can reassure you of further help.

This Gynaecologist doesn't think I will need anything done about the Adenomyosis unless I start to bleed and I get further uterus pain. He at first said, before this scan, I could go back on a v low dose HRT, though I'm not sure about that now. I dont want to set off bleeding and pain by having extra Oestrogen. Only cure for Adenomyosis that causes severe pain is Hysterectomy,( or in younger women that havent been through menopause , waiting for menopause itself, which brings oestrogen drop).
My GP, at the time, when I first had MRI that diagnosed Adenomyosis was astounded as it doesn't happen ina woman my age. Obvs, reason itdeveloped was the trauma to womb of incomplete fibroid removal. I researched thoroughly the causation theories.
I dont think Urology procedure, Bladder Distention, will be affected at all as the bladder Pain must be because of IC/BPS,. Although Urologist had said in Drs letter that my pain could be Chronic Pelvic Pain - CPP- with bladder involvement or primarily the IC. I hopenow the Urologist will realise that my severe uterus pain after op complications was Adenomyosis and rule out this mysterious CPP, now Gynaecologist has found that out.

Oh dear, I'm sorry if I'm not explaining it v well.

Do hope everyone has a peaceful night.

SweetpeaSue I had to Google that condition - Adenomyosis. It sounds awful, and would explain the symptoms you've been experiencing for such a long time. The question now, though, is what can be done/what will be done? One of the treatments on there is apparently Tranexamic Acid (I had that, years ago, for very heavy periods). Have you ever taken that?

Doodle Talking of not recognising people - I once MIS-recognised a lady. I chatted away to her, in a shop, asked her how her daughter was, etc. She looked very bewildered and said her daughter lives in America. It was a completely different woman (a total stranger) to the one I thought it was .

Wyllow3 Appently, a "sweep" often starts labour (in 50% of women), so baby might be born on Tuesday. They are going to allow her to go until 26th, and if no baby by then, they'll do a Caesarean, by general anaesthetic, it seems.
I hoe your appointment tomorrow goes well. Is it a Zoom appointment?

I've had a cold shower on my legs for 25 minutes, which relieved the pain for all of 5 minutes. I'm not resorting to Vodka and Ibuprofen, so I'll say I hope all BDers have a good sleep tonight x

Sweet pea sue I have just looked it up too. It sounds nasty.
Doodle if the weather is good I spend most of my day in the garden. I do a bit of work and sit with a book.
We had a heavy shower earlier but it’s gone off now.
Although I love warm weather I find summer difficult because most of my activities stop. I don’t go to my sons in the school holidays as d in l is off. I need to get back to long walks but have been too tired in the hot weather.

Sweetpeasue I missed you again!
Not heard of Adenomyosis before. Like Wyllow I will have to look it up. Will it change your treatment plan.
Sorry you had such an awful night again. Glad today has been better.
Yes I can understand why your consultant was confused if he thought you were a private patient. Hope all goes well with your treatment. I will be thinking of you.