Black Dog 17

" I think they very often just don't know what to say tbh."

probably very true, Sweetpeasue.

I do feel understood here by you and all and its the only space really.

it's clear t me I do have these mood swings and got worse

. Psychologist tomorrow (co-incidentaly appointment that day I dont see what she can say as what I really want is a MH worker assigned to me properly and importantly psychiatrist Tuesday afternoon will go in person. (meds, and she is top dog about deciding feel of treatment) But the levels of depression and whats the pointare substantially worse in last 2/3 weeks.

Sweetpeasue I went and read up about Adenomyosis. Now that it's confirmed, what is the way ahead, have you any idea?

How will that effect urologist appointment?

Just had a lovely fresh downpour here too HVDY. No garden watering needed or failing plants to worry, and lovely fresh smell ....
so on Tuesday , will that be it? Will she be induced and you have another little one in the family?

I’ve nearly finished packing. Things take so much longer with one working hand.
EllieAnne thank you. We have had some rain today. Cooled things down a bit. I Hope you see a resolution of your family worries. Do you spend much time in your garden?
Wyllow I think part of the problem is that people can cope with things like diabetes. They can talk about what people can and can’t eat but with MH it leaves so many floundering over what to say. Also MH is very personal and in many cases private. People don’t necessarily want to say what their MH problem is or what troubles them. Others find it hard to know what to say to help. There will always be the “pull your socks up” group or those who say yes I know what bereavement is like, my cat died last year. Unless you’ve suffered yourself you can’t know how others feel and even if you suffer from say depression like someone else, the root cause could be completely different. So pleased you have a good relationship with your DSis.
Whiff so sorry you got bullied at school. That’s hateful especially at such a vulnerable age.
Your yoga sounds exhausting. I wouldn’t have been able to cope at all. Hope you are ok.
HVDY hope your DH and son had a good Father’s Day.
Still waiting for baby news then.
I find your Consultant and his secretary’s manner to be most unhelpful. It’s ridiculous you have to wait so long. Hope you start to feel better when you get off the steroids.
We have had rain too. Lovely, so cooling.
Scaredycat honk 🤣 it’s a cacophony of noise. The geese can be so loud. Glad you had a bit of time relaxing today.
What a lovely get together you had. Glad it went ok and you enjoyed it.
nadateturbe I have always been awful at recognising people. I have had so many occasions when people have come up and chatted to me having recognised me and I have to fluff it by talking in generalities until they give me some clue as to who they are. It happened in hospital the other day. A lovely lady came up and gave me a hug and said lovely to see you again. I managed to bluff my way through it but it was only after she’d gone I figured out it was one of the doctors I used to work with.
Hope your repeat tests are ok, be careful if you have low BP it could make you tired or dizzy.

HVDY You've done all you can and have tried so hard to get Neurologist to contact you. It's so awful, I really feel for you. What a state of affairs. October still a long way off.
Glad it's cooler there. Hoping for rain here.
Wyllow. Remember you talking of this Quaker friend you've met for coffee with. I'm sure she will understand that you wouldn't have asked her to help with Quaker organiser without real cause. I fully agree though that with poorMH being often invisible it's not often given the validity it deserves.
Family often have own issues and I see and understand your concerns there. I think they very often just dont know what to say tbh.
I hope you will be ok tonight and get more rest. Thinking of you and care. X

HVDY It's atrocious that you've been left on all those steroids without any monitoring over the weeks and no one to contact in the event of them not having any affects but adverse ones. So sorry about your loor legs. I was left with capillaries on face with steroids but I didn't take anywhere near your dosage. Hopefully some happier times for you with new DGC. You must be so excited and of course your son. Nkt long now.
Doodle So good for you and DH to have a holiday. Wishing you a relaxing and lovely time with beautiful scenery.
Scaredycat What a great family time for all 14 of you - - blended or not! So glad your sister is making progress gradually but surely. I rather think you and your sister share the bravery characteristic
NadateturbeSo pleased you're feeling better with the awful fatigue youve experienced lately. To be affected by it so strongly must really bring you down. I realised one of the reasons that consultant was funny after I got replica of letter sent to my GP. In first 2 sentences it appears he has thought I was a private patient under previous Urologist for last 3 yrs! Perhaps he thought it strange when DH asked for affirmation this op was on NHS if he thought we were well off enough to go to other consultant privately for so long.
EllieAnneHope your weekend hasn't been too bad. The sky here has been overcast all afternoon and a little cooler. I hope we get a thunderstorm
Wyllow You were awake in the early hrs at exact time as myself. I'm glad you managed to get to Quakers though I'm thinking you are still very low. I hope you managed to meet some friends at the Gym even though you only managed the shower. Hope you get more rest tonight.

Thinking of those not mentioned and holing you're all ok.

I felt all over the place yesterday. Able to take aunt out morning. Lot of stuff made me hurt and angry because of results from RVI scan turning up. Wonderful hospital and scans were done by the radiologist who was the one experienced enough to read and assess them later(as he told me this).
After op went wrong (2020) 7 mths later at complaint meeting they agreed to MRI. It showed I had Adenomyosis. After finding out further evidence of coverup I was in huge stress and led me to....
Left hosp and went to last consultant who told me (of Adenomyosis) can't believe scans. All that time, never trusted, for lots of reasons, not just because I'd been let down earlier by other hosp-I had reasons to not trust this man. He told me untruths. Be unwise of me to detail here but he did. Tried to believe him in spite of knowing my own mind and evidence. I saw the look on his face when I saw him at a pre'assesment at that hospital for Urology op a while ago. He looked panic stricke. Someone asked me here on BD if it was guilt.
Well-- the results from RVI prove again I have Adenomyosis. Always knew it. Anyway - main thing is, now it's mild, probs because of stopping bleeding and HRT as oestrogen feeds Adenomyosis keeping it active and painful.

So sorry for going on but it's brought so much back. If I'd had more evidence for the Adenomyosis than the first MRI, Id have had more strength legally.
Does any of it matter now? Only to me and I know what happened.
Incomplete fibroid resection from myometrium caused my Adenomyosis. I'm certain.
Had such bad night with bladder that DH up with me-in awful state.
Absolutely fine today pain-wise.
Forgive me for this post being so much about my situation. I can never thank you all enough for believing me when some 'friends' and even family at first, didn't. I understand why.
You are all my true friends. X

Wyllow Good that you managed your Quakers meeting. Does this humid weather make you more tired? It does me, I'm usually dozing off by 8pm. I spoke to the Neurologist's secretary last week, told her everything. They're not interested, won't see me until October (I've got 3 weeks left on tablets).

ScaredyCat* What a lovely get-together. I love family times. Did you have birthday cake? DH and I went bowling with his girls, his GF and her son. We all played - Son always wins. I came 4th. Then we had a late dinner at a Wetherspoons. Son2 came to our house at 5pm, has just gone. Both sons bought DH a card, real ales, a shirt, chocolates, peanuts and sweets, so he's happy.

nadateturbe SweetpeaSue, EllieAnne, Doodle, Whiff and others - hope you've all been ok today.

Mum-to-be is apparently seeing the midwife on Tuesday, to have a "sweep", if nothing's happened by then. Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening. It's been raining here for the last hour or so (but it's no cooler). x

I'm glad you made it to the family gathering Scardeycat.

Its the what I could do's if I were better isnt it nadateturbe

I did have a big crash when I woke up after afternoon sleep back into life not worth living. I sort of knew it would happen after the high.

At Quaker meeting we are struggling a bit with organisers group as several cant do it anymore. I generally present well at quakers - I'm happy to be there after all. Trouble is one of the meetings organising group asked me if I would join the group this morning and I unwisely said yes.

He's just had a major heart op and one other similar but my health problems are neither visible nor easy to talk about: I rung another persons who've I've been having coffee with now and then to let on I wasn't up to it. she was practical and fine, but I'm afraid I will have lost a friend in the process, one never knows how people will react to me saying have been in crisis.

Its a barrier between me and my family as MH best kept out of it...it siddifuclt knowing that if I had been in crisis with say diabetes there would be "how are you" phone calls but well things are like that. I can say to my sis oh I rung crisis line and she will carry on trading me the same thats good.

Wyllow3 we all have different words and phrases we find unacceptable. You did the right thing speaking out. We have to be true to ourselves.
You are right about small achievements meaning so much. I try not to think too much about it or I would get very depressed, but sometimes, especially in the middle of the night, you just can't help wanting to cry.
I'm glad you got to Quakers. It was nice you got out yesterday. Shame that many females don't feel confident going into pubs alone. I did it in France once (Brittany) and got shocked looks. Ridiculous. I hope you have a restful evening.
Doodle if you are affected so much too, perhaps it was the heat, unbelievable how it can affect us, isn't it? Its good you're on one level, I'm sure you're glad.
Have to get liver function repeated. Don't think it's anything important. BP was low too. Puzzling, but tiredness and BP OK atm.
I shouldn't, but you made me laugh with your poor memory for faces, much worse than me. I'm sure you made EllieAnne feel better.
Sweetpeasue another good day for me, improved. I don't know what happened to me! Fingers crossed its gone!
Try not to worry, as I said my mum had a GP who was almost abrupt and rude, but a brilliant GP and consultant. It'll be good to have it done and hopefully get some help.
HVDY I hope your poor legs are OK. Another lovely family afternoon yesterday and still waiting!🙂
Whiff I think I would have stopped before I got to that stage. I'm shocked that the yoga teacher didn't suggest it.
EllieAnne I'm sure you'll get more good days, hope you're OK.
Hello Scaredycat Joane123and mrshat and anyone I've not said hello to.
mrshat I hope your sleep improves. Lack of sleep makes things worse. I find this thread very encouraging. Just listening to how these lovely ladies not only cope, but enjoy life in spite of problems is inspiring.
Sweetpeasue I too am very dithery about voicing my views and opinions in case I sound stupid. Good to know I'm not alone.
Doodle the geese fly past - lovely. I bet you watch for it.

I think blended family is the wrong expression😩 I meant stepfamily . Apologies

EllieAnne- weather like that here today - think it will rain soon. Hope you are able to get out today.
Wyllow- I see you managed to get to Quakers this morning despite the midnight oil burning. Do you have coffee together afterwards ?
I,m glad you got out into the country yesterday and well done for not avoiding the inevitable memories. Just being in the beauty of the High Peak is good for your soul.
As for stopping doing too much - you don’t always realise you are doing too much til too late. I do too much often because I know one day I won’t be able to . Right now though - feet up and chilling.
Doodle- those fly pasts must look lovely- do they honk as they fly over?
Hope you’re all packed now - enjoy the new ports.
Whiff- my daughter and I tried yoga years ago. The only thing I was good at was the bit at the end when you lie down and relax. I love your determination.
HVDY- hope your DH enjoys his Fathers Day. Do you all bowl or just the girls?
Yes those steroids don’t seem much good for you- hope when they are finished you can get an alternative treatment to help.

Yesterday we went to a family gathering for dinner to celebrate a birthday . There were 14 of us - less than half of our blended family but felt content that we were all together and enjoying each others company. Not perfect but so fortunate.
As usual I was nervous beforehand but so glad to be there.
Thank you for asking about my sister- she is very gradually improving but has a long way to go to gain strength- she is such an unselfish person and very brave.
Happy Fathers Day to all Fathers and love to allxx

"Wyllow people use language in different ways. And the word nutter upsets you then I am sorry but like I say I have friends with mental health problems who call themselves a nutter."

Indeed, there is plenty of gallows humour in MH. But it's our prerogative to choose to use it of ourselves, not for someone to slap a label on as mockery, which happens frequently.

Not to me, as I can "act normal". But stories from when I was able to mix and meet a lot more people when more facilities. quite a lot of cruelty sometimes.
Accompanied by the finger twisted to the head. or simply, lazy thinking. I can recall talking to a nurse when I was an inpatient, and she said she got a funny reaction just when people knew her profession, ie she must be weird too.

Its doesn't sound as if it's done you much good, HVDY. Do the docs know this? I live within reach of those places.

Whiff I am appalled by that so called "yoga" session. Yes, I am a qualified Hatha Yoga teacher. it's unbelievable what you were put through.
With your group I would have started with chair yoga, for a start, and started with calming breathing exercises and the most gentle of stretches, giving careful warnings to individuals. Quakers was nice but not sure whats going on emotionally yet, I went to the gym just for a shower and just tired out of it atm

Doodle Son1 will be here to give DH something for Father's Day, and he'll have the girls. We're supposedly going to go bowling. Not sure whether Son2 will join us (doubt it, he's waiting for baby to arrive). Good luck with the packing. Do you write a list of things you'll need to take?

Wyllow The steroids were for Vasculitis (inflammation of blood vessels), which, in my case, affects the feet, lower legs and hands at the moment. The appearance of my legs/feet is very much worse than before (broken blood vessels under the skin which look like purple spots which then turn orange-brown after about a week). Glad you were able to go out for a drive. You're in Derbyshire, I think (?). Some beautiful scenery there. Bakewell, Buxton and Matlock are places we've been and loved.

I heard some thunder at 5am, but didn't see any lightning. It rained for about 30 minutes. Hope all BDers manage to have a decent day x

If I remember right you do yoga Wyllow. Hopefully this will make everyone smile . Last week at exercise class we did it in the church again as it was cooler. Our instructor said because of the heat we would some yoga after doing some of our usual exercises. She had a book with the instructions and pictures. So we all stood behind our chairs to hold on to looking forward to learning something new . I think out instructor was trying to kill us. Yoga is hard . Normally I don't sweat by after doing the positions my face was dripping 🥵. We all did then the best way we could and at the end she said well that was harder than I thought. We decided not to do that again . So my hat goes off to you Wyllow and anyone else who does yoga. Gentle exercise my left foot.

But I will be there again tomorrow as usual . Having a pain flare but won't let that stop me going. If I let pain stopped me doing things I wouldn't do anything. Anyway my life as far as I can remember I have been in pain only relief I get is when I am asleep.

I got told off on a GN by someone calling PIP people morons. I can understand why they got in a tiss over the word . An apologised . But I do still use the word and say someone is a nutter I apply that to myself saying I am having a nutty moment. I understand people get sensitive over words especially if they suffer from mental health problems. But I have friends at my craft group with mental health problems but they use words like that and have homosexual friends who call themselves queer. And yet straight people think that's wrong. We all use different words but don't mean to offend people it depends on your point of view. My son's eldest dog is called Spaz when I asked why he said it was after a character in a graphic novel. Like one if his other dogs is called Rory after a character in Watchmen .

Words that are offensive to different generations mean different things to others. Like words mean different things to younger generations. To me being sick means someone is ill. But to teenagers say sick meaning it's good.

Before my move to the north west because I have mobility problems and what is called in HPX terms a strange walking gait. Think Monty python ministry of silly walks. I have various abuse shouted at me from moron, spastic,drunk, defective ( my own father in law called me that but to my face. ) A fat f*****. Told I was to fat to sit on a seat . One man said what does your husband do slap your stomach and ride the waves.

Yes words do hurt and can be offensive to people but not all people think that.

Yes I know I will get flack from some of you. But I was bullied at secondary school until my bullies left at 16. Because of my health problems and falling all the time. I was a perfect target.

But as I got older and especially when my husband died I turned the tables on the people who shouted abuse. And be littled them . Again some will take offense at me doing that .

It's like the use of swear words. I watched the first episode of Gallows Pole and won't watch any more . I didn't like the use of the f word multiple times in nearly every sentence. But that's me. Others wouldn't care and love the programme.

Wyllow people use language in different ways. And the word nutter upsets you then I am sorry but like I say I have friends with mental health problems who call themselves a nutter.

Def not on GM, I would have "modded" it.

You need more light and sun EllieAnne hope it comes after a decent rainstorm to clear the air.

Nowhere for evening coffee except for pubs and don't have the confidence for that, but I get a costa coffee at a garage for when I park up.

This isnt looking good for getting to Quakers as burning the midnight oil.

Wyllow it is not acceptable to use that word .well done.
The weather is still warm but dull and heavy. We really need some rain. The sun really helped me as it kept me outside.
Doodle have a love holiday.
And everyone else I hope you have a pain free night.

HVDY sorry the legs are playing up. Lovely for your son to have his girls for Fathers Day. Will you be seeing them too?
I’m with you on the vodka…..ice with mine please.
nadateturbe we have lots of ducks and geese here. In the mornings and late evening the geese do a fly past in perfect arrow formation 😊
Wyllow that’s awful. It wasn’t on GN was it?
Brave to go out but good you did it. Did you stop anywhere for coffee?
Candy Sweetpeasue Scaredycat Whiff hope you are having a good (at least ok) day

Love to all. Mixed day.

Got a lot of flak on another board as I object to the use of the word "nutter". On this board I could refer it to mods -ie it's an equivalent of saying my granddaughter"spaz". I've met too many people hurt by that word.

Did get out for drive in country of course it was full of Ex but I was glad I didnt avoid it.

Doodle you go and I hoe have as good a time as possible.

nadateturbe so hard to "count" these small achievements and watch others do so much more...

You've had such a bad time on those steroids, HVDY. Was there any gain at all, in your opinion, for what they were prescribed for?

I find the packing harder, Scaredycat, but being landed with loads of washing is certainly hard work. Sigh - how does one stop doing too much....

It was till summery here today EllieAnne, you had horrible weather?

thoughts for all those not in today, I tend to assume its been a tough one xxx

HVDY enjoy your vodka...when all else fails..

HVDY we feed them sometimes. We had geese today and a heron. Coffee out was good. I was actually nervous as I haven't spoken to anyone or been out recently.
I'm sure you're very excited at the minute.
Doodle I'm excited for you. The rest will be beneficial too. Enjoy and you can tell us about it when you return.

ScaredyCat How is your sister now? She must look forward to your chats. Every time I get a message on my mobile, I think it's news that the baby is on her way. Nothing yet.

nadateturbe Did you feed the ducks? We've got some lovely parks with ponds and/or lakes. Nice to have a coffee out.

Doodle No baby news yet. Hope for Son's GF it won't be much longer.

EllieAnne Isn't the weather very good where you are? We've still got a lot of hot weather to come, it's only mid-June. Are you ok?

Son1 came round for a few hours today - he wanted DH to look at his car stereo, then then went to the pub for a pint before Son went to collect his girls (he's got them tomorrow for Father's Day). My legs have been horrible all day - burning, stinging and generally not good. The "rash" is the worst it's ever been. The last 10 weeks on steroids has been a waste of time. Never mind, it's time for some Vodka . Hope all BDers have a relaxing evening x

HVDY thank you. I do think DH deserves this break. We went for a long time thinking it wasn’t going to happen. So much was going on. The week we get back we have hospital appointments every day. Hoping he can relax a bit in the mean time.
Any news in the baby front yet?
nadateturbe good you managed a short walk. Hope your strength builds up.
Ellie Anne what’s happened? Are you ok? I’m worried about you.
Scaredycat we are visiting some new ports which is nice.
It’s hard not to overdo things but we need to pace ourselves if we are getting over tired. Hope you are ok.
How is your sister doing? Hope things are going well.

EllieAnne if I met any of the ladies who have introduced themselves and been so friendly to me at our local church I would not recognise them, never mind knowing their names. Please don't worry so much. It's not you.
My first time at a reading group I was ignored by some ladies instead of making me feel welcome. It was them, not me.

Think our summer is over

Day 12, managed a short walk round the duck pond and a coffee. It's a start. Last ten days have been a struggle.
Thanks Scaredycat. Enjoy your chat tomorrow. It's good to keep in touch. I'm glad the ADS are helping.
Wyllow3 yes, those little contacts are important.
Thank you. Also Sweetpeasue HVDY
Sorry I haven't read everything posted recently. Will try to catch up.

Joane123- thank you for those kind wishes. Nice to see your post.
EllieAnne- please don’t think of yourself so harshly. I think that the lady who you are worried about probably is forgetful and lots of people have trouble with remembering faces. You are not forgettable and without worth - it is only how you perceive yourself when you feel down . We care so much for you and you are our friend
SweetPeaSue- glad you had a good day . Just to feel “normal” for one day must have felt so good.
I hope next week’s procedure will prove helpful and that something will be able to help you with your pain.
HVDY- must have been lovely to cool down in the pool - I did Aqua Aerobics years ago with my friend and you are right it is very Companiable and made us laugh such a lot.
You must be sitting on the phone waiting for baby news - hope GF is feeling ok.
Mrshat- Welcome- do hope you get some better sleep soon- night time can be so difficult when your mind decides to work overtime and it feels so lonely.
Doodle- I,m so pleased you and DH are finally going to have a holiday. I know how much you love being at sea and hope you have some interesting ports to visit. Packing is so tiring but the unpacking is ten times worse!!
Have a lovely time will be thinking of you.
Wyllow- it must be great to be a good swimmer- I love the water but to be near it not in it!! If I could swim better I expect I would enjoy it more.
There are so many lovely places in the High Peak and it would be sad to let memories of Ex spoil visiting there. Making them your own is a good thought and having a chat with people you meet- plus tea and cake!! Wish I lived near I would come with you .
Maybe one day you could take a rail trip to Italy- wouldn’t that be an adventure.
Nadateturbe- so sorry you still feel so poorly- you have a very brave attitude but it is exhausting trying to lift your spirits isn’t it. Hope you feel stronger soon.

I,m worn out today - been doing too much again. The ADs are helping me to relax better but I,m so tired all the time. Chat to my Sister tomorrow - something good to look forward to.
Candy6,Whiff, and anyone I may have forgotten and readers too wishing you as good a weekend as possible.

Sweetpeasue thank you. I'm glad you had a good day yesterday. I'm a bit depressed with this, but telling myself it will lift.
Doodle I hope you have a great holiday, cruise, I assume.