Black Dog 17

Wyllow3 Oh, Wyllow, sorry you're having a rough day. Life can seem endless and grey at times - and when it's like that, sleep is welcome. This miserable weather doesn't help, and there aren't so many people about, so nobody much to chat to.

EllieAnne I hope you didn't hurt yourself when you fell. What a day you've had . Does your husband ever cook? Or would you ever have a takeaway? It's poured with rain here (Nottingham) every minute of the day.

Doodle, SweetpeaSue, and all BDers - how have you been today?

I've had a lovely day (eldest son's birthday), but my bloody legs have been SO painful. Gravity has a certain amount to do with it - I haven't managed to put my feet up at all today, but will do so now. Hope everyone has a good night's rest x

nadateturbe good to hear!

EllieAnne I dont know how we manage to carry on walking through the greyness and black holes either we just do.
You are so supportive to people in need tho good for you.

Yes....why don't you leave OH to cook for himself or ask to clean? It may be that potential conflict feels worse (which, god knows, I understand all to well)

Aw, HVDY feet up and more feet up tomorrow.

Thank goodness for here where I can just say I'm fed up living my life like this often pain depression levels very high. Counselling Wednesday a chance to talk and hopefully feel some support tho solutions I think are somehow managing to hang in there dontknow how. In my Bi-polar 2 life I've had 5 episodes of Major Depressive Disorder when I just stop contact with people at all and think of how to die and the % of probability for for another episode is over 90%.

(dont worry moderators I have access to crisis lines and do use - if Im posting, I'm not there yet)

xx to other BD's
place where we can tell it like it is

HVDY what a shame about the camping. It’s not much fun when it’s raining though. Could he do a pretend camp in the garden or something?
Sorry your legs are still bad. Awful you are having to wait so long to see the consultant. Hope you had a nice meal with your son.
Wyllow thanks for asking. One positive thing from all the trouble the tablets caused is that DH had an iron infusion which we have known for some time might help his RLS. The difference it made was amazing and he is no longer walking the floors at night. Only problem is that it wears off after time and haematologist concerned about other effect it may have. Bit of a balancing act but hoping we may be able to see her to discuss it soon.
I’m sure you and your first Ex did a good job with your son. I think we all think we could have done better but that’s easy to say with hindsight. We do the best we can at the time.
Glad you made it to the gym. Wish I could reach out and help you out of that black hole.
I think you need to try and concentrate on your well being now. Put yourself first.
Candy so good to hear how the ADs are helping you. It must be lovely to go to your caravan but there are always things to do at home aren’t there. We seem to be inundated with paperwork at the moment. What a shame the weather isn’t good for your DD. I used to love caravan holidays. Hope they manage to find things to do to keep occupied even if it’s raining. Yes the rising fees must be a problem. Like everything else it costs more year on year.
Whiff what a terrible start your dad had but how lucky he met your mum and had such a loving relationship.
It’s good your Uncle was so well looked after. Living all his life in the same house with family must have given his a lot of stability.
My father’s father was a violent alcoholic but not very big. He had several sons who soon stopped his punching when they were bigger than he was. By contrast, my dad was gentle and loving.
Ellie Anne my heart was in my mouth when I read you’d had a fall. So pleased you are ok even if you got wet and muddy. I’ve been so much more wary since I broke my wrist.
Nice of you to visit your friend. She has made a hard decision but it is for the best for both her and her dad. Trying to cope with someone with Dementia is really hard. Hopefully, he will be somewhere now where he gets the support he needs and is kept safe.
Do you watch TV on your iPad? I hardly ever watch the actual TV now just watch programmes on my iPad with my headphones in. I find it easier if I’m watching things with subtitles as I can read them better than on the TV.
Hope you get the help you need to set it up.
nadateturbe I wondered about your name too. It is unusual.
Let nothing disturb you would be a good motto for Black Dog.
Hope you sleep well.
Sweetpeasue and Scaredycat how have you both been today?

Wyllow just read your last post.. please don’t stop talking to us. I know we’re only virtual friends but we do care.
Glad you have Crisis to contact if needed and hope the counselling on Wednesday helps.
Sending a hug your way. x

So sorry but just to say I'm not good. Painful afternoon and taken painkillers so feeling sick and dizzy.
Sorry for all who are feeling so bad. Wyllow in such black hole. EllieAnne Sorry for your awful day.
HVDY Sorry too for your leg pain. Hope you can sleep with it tonight.
Just can't write too much but wishing all BDs as peaceful night as poss. Xx

Evening all
Whiff your account of your fathers life was insightful, what a difficult life he had. How lovely he had a happy ending though by meeting your Mum. I think by having a difficult upbringing it can ultimately make you a better person. Might sound a bit corny, but it was certainly the case with my husband. He learned how “not to do it”. I’m glad you had a loving upbringing, I did too, not much money, but very loving. It’s interesting that you say your dad didn’t speak about the war as my dad didn’t either. He’d occasionally recount funny things that happened between him and his comrades, but nothing sinister.
HVDY I’m glad you’ve had a good day but sorry your legs are so painful. Put them up now and rest. I’m lying in bed listening to one of my favourite radio shows on catch up. I’ve had a busy day so finished work, went food shopping, made tea, made my lunch for tomorrow, showered and here I am and enjoying it too. Hope the pain eases and you can sleep.
Wyllow yes, I do feel more relaxed here now thanks. I occasionally think I would still like to move but it’s not as intense as it was. Well done for going to a the gym. You do try really hard and I admire you for that. I’m so sorry you feel so bad. Please keep going and ring your crisis line if you need to. That’s what they are there for. I’m glad you at least get some sort of comfort here. Remember you are loved and cared for and we are here for you. Stay strong, you can do it.
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you too have had a difficult day. I hope you didn’t hurt yourself when you fell. I hope you have had a better afternoon.
Nadaterturbe I’m glad you have had a nice afternoon. You don’t need to answer everyone personally. We understand.
Doodle good to hear from you. Nice post. Hope your day has been ok and you have a restful night.
Sweetpeasue sorry you have had a difficult day too. Side effects can be horrible. I hope you manage some rest tonight and you have a better day tomorrow.

Sending everyone much love and hope a better day tomorrow for all those in pain and turmoil. Love to those not personally mentioned too xx

it does count what people say here xxx

Hugs for Sweetpeasue for difficult day.

Doodle thank goodness the RLS had a solution just for now, and hope you get to see the haematologist as soon as possible to discuss those difficult meds balances.

Candy well if the wanting to move feeling keeps on surfacing you could consider it. I've been wondering if you did decide to change your work hours, I think if was from 2 to 3 days.

Still of course wonder that for myself - I've a lot to escape and would be better with more people around not a house out in the totally quiet suburbs with no one ever passing etc and no local cafes or shops without a car and so on.

I have read all your posts. Sad that so many are suffering so much today. Sending love and hugs to all, and saying prayers.

Wyllow3 Loneliness must be very difficult. Are there any groups you could join? Do you ever see your neighbours? We're all here, and although it's not the same as being with someone, we all care. Hope the counselling tomorrow will help you.

Doodle It's great that the infusion helped your husband such a lot. Perhaps when he's been seen again by the Haemotologist, he'll be able to have the infusion again.

SweetpeaSue That's a real shame. I hope the painkillers allowed you to sleep.

My damned legs are a real nuisance - they weren't anywhere near as bad as this 6 months ago. I can't stand the thought of being like this, and worse, for the rest of my life. It's limiting my life/independence in so many ways.

Hope ALL BDers have a decent day. TWO foxes came last night (obviously siblings). I'd better do 2 lots of chicken portions each night x

It is scary and a real downer HVDY the thoughts, it is limiting. My warmest thoughts regarding your legs, and still hoping they could improve - is there any hope by losing weight it could be better? I dont. know enough about your condition

I dont have the energy anymore for groups and I dont really feel like contacting people. Dont even want to see my family atm. I do know loads of groups just not suitable for now.

Decided in the night to ring GP for tum/pain/laxatives/gastro stuff as still feel sick most of the time or cramps just even when I eat or drink - and got a 1 2 1 tomorrow.

Took it seriously I should have made more fuss after being sick last week

Rung MH people and they are ringing back this afternoon as had Had Enough overnight

just hope for kind listening - its my psychologist ringing tho and I know hasn't got long/better not expect too much she tends to try and rush me

(counsellor is tomorrow not today)

Wyllow3 Thanks. The puffy ankles would be lessened by my losing weight, perhaps, but the burning, stinging and petechiae rash is Vasculitis, an autoimmune disease (that's what the steroids were for, which had no effect). The tenderness on the tops of my feet is also due to Vasculitis but is a new symptom from a couple of weeks ago. It could be worse, of course, but I'm fed-up.

I hope your appointment tomorrow goes well, and also the counselling.

Forced myself to do some housework (boring but necessary). The less I do, the less I'm able to do, so must keep going (KOKO as you say).

Of course you're fed up!

Psychologist was understanding but no magic solutions but at least they know.

Every time I feel fed-up, I look at recent photos of our littlest GD. I love the other 2 GDs too, obviously, but aren't babies adorable

HVDY- Vasculitis sounds such a debilitating condition- yes,it is a daunting thought that it might be permanent or get worse. Sometimes though things have flare ups but respite in between - hope that is so in your case. Better still it just goes away.
Word has got round in your Fox World about your fantastic catering- you,ll have to take bookings next.
Don’t overdo,the housework but I know how you feel if we don’t use it we,ll lose it!!
I,m so sorry you feel fed up but it’s totally understandable.
Doodle- I,m so glad to hear that there is so much improvement in DH RLS. Hope that he can continue the infusions and that there will be no adverse effects from them. Must be lovely for you both not to do the midnight walking!!
We had a nice visit with GD and GGC yesterday. They are growing up so fast - 11 plus for the eldest this year ! My GGS looks really well and seems to be enjoying his food at the moment. Just love to listen to their news and comments on life- love them so much.
We,ve been out for the day today - can’t believe how tired I feel- as you have said before less than a year ago I could do so much more- have to KOKO. Hope you are able to get out and about a bit more.
Wyllow- I so feel for you at the moment . It’s a catch 22 for you not wanting much to socialise but feeling lonely at the same time. You do need some human contact if possible even if it’s only a brief time. Are you able to just pop out on foot for a coffee or paper etc?
I,m glad the MH people are aware of your distress and ready to help you if needed. I hope the GP can help you tomorrow. From experience sad, worrying , hopeless situations make eating very difficult- just swallowing is an effort. It will pass.
You will always get kind listening from all of us in BD and please believe you are often in my thoughts as we all care so much for you.
Candy- another busy day for you -;glad you could relax eventually. So glad the ADs are helping you as they are me.
I,ve never had a caravan holiday but when my children were little we had many a camping one in 2 horrible little tents!! They have never camped since 😀
SweetPeaSue- I,m sorry yesterday was so difficult for you- hope today is being kinder.
Nadaturbe- hope you have had a restful day. I too really like your name- is it Spanish?
EllieAnne- what a nasty shock to fall over whilst walking - so glad you were not hurt.
Yes a good idea to have the odd takeaway to give yourself a break from cooking. DH needs to step up sometimes - does he Barbeque?
Whiff- your parents sound a loving couple . So glad your childhood was full of love and kindness. Your daughter will remember her childhood fondly like you do and sometime somewhere your son will too .
Take care allxx

HVDY she’s lovely. So sweet and all that hair too. Both my boys were bald.
Sweetpeasue sorry you felt so bad yesterday. Hope today has been better. When do you hear from the MH team next is it Thursday?
Candy glad you feel happier where you are now and the urge to move isn’t so strong. You sound more in control.
Wyllow I’m sure in time you will move to somewhere with more life. Difficult if you’re not up to doing so at the moment.
Good you got to speak to your psychologist. Hope the counselling helps tomorrow. Is the GP taking your stomach upset seriously. Hope they can change your meds to help you.
HVDY you sound a bit like DH. 6 months ago things were fine then all his problems seemed to come at once. Same with your legs. Sorry it’s so painful.
The word has obviously got out that your foxy restaurant has good reviews 🤣
Went for a walk in the sunshine this afternoon. Biit concerned with DHs balance. He’s very tired and almost fell over a couple of times. Early night I think.

HVDY Your legs never responded to the steroids and its awful that you're having to wait. Do you use painkillers much for them while you're waiting for consultant? I so understand those worrying thoughts of wondering how long you'll have to put up with it. Its worrying that the rash is now on tops of feet too.
Ah thankyou for lovely photo of baby. She is indeed adorable.
Wyllow Glad you have a GP appt tomorrow. I know how horrible those cramps can be but its horrid bein sick all of the time and after eating.
Ive just had a few mins with MH nurse. Told him I was real upset getting appt with Occupational Therapy. Reason is I'm feeling like yourself as in not wanting to contact people. So depressed no energy for 'mixing' in groups if thats what its all about. OT calling with trainee psychologist next week. Said in letter this morning they will go through my day from morning until night. I dont want to be cajoled into anything, I'm a private person who is depressed and its because of Drs causing pain.
I really get that despairing tiredness Wyllow.

Kept being jolted awake suddenly all night. Never had that before. Got up 3am for a while. Had walk along beach but knee hurts and still feel black.

Hope everyone isnt too bad but I think many of us in quite a pit lately.

Scaredycat Such warm words for everyone thankyou. You're right about the GC they can be so uplifting. I wish I felt well enough to have mine on their own but I'm so tired.
Doodle Oh so sorry about your DH you will be concerned. We all seem v tired and I hope everyone can have some restful sleep tonight. Hope your wrist hasn't been too bad today.
Yes I see MH nurse on Thursday for proper appt.

Love to all not mentioned. X

HVDY- what a beautiful baby she is.thanks for the lovely pic
Doodle- do hope DH is Ok xx
SweetPeaSue- hope you have a peaceful night

She is a beautiful baby.
Enjoy your time with her.
Dh canmake his own meal no bother but if I am at home I just do it. And he will help with cleaning but I. Can’t work with him so there is no point. He can’t help in the garden because it hurts his back.
We don’t eat together often because I can’t stand the silence it makes me too stressed to eat. And we eat different things most of the time.
I’m a bit sore today after my fall. Didn’t sleep well last night.
Wyllow I understand you not wanting to go to groups I feel the same. IT’s putting on a face and risking hurt.

Hello everyone. I visited my friend yesterday and had a lovely 3hour!! visit. much too long, but we so enoyed it. haven't seen her for four months. We've been friends since we were five. and today had to go and buy some warm sweatshirts as it's so cold. And then a friend called unexpectedly. So I am much too tired to post very much.
Thinking of those who are feeling really bad, hoping for a peaceful night for you all.

Because a couple of people have asked about my name, This is a link to the song I got my name from. Not keen on the intro, but it was the best version for giving the lyrics. I find it calming. If you're not religious it won't mean much, so feel free to ignore. And yes, Scaredycat it is Spanish.

youtu.be/fvfTVxgkWpo

ScaredyCat I'm so pleased your GGS is enjoying food at the moment, bless him. Does he have normal dinners with the family? Will your 11-year-old GD go up to secondary school next year? Vasculitis is a lifelong thing, but it's nowhere near as bad as some people get it.

Doodle GD has got a lot of hair, like her dad (Son2) had. My eldest son was bald, then got blonde ringlets from being about 1. He looked like a girl [ grin]. His hair is black now, as is Son2's. Hope your husband feels better after a good night's sleep. Does he use a walking stick or anything?

SweetpeaSue The rash has been on the tops of my feet since last year, but it's now up to just below the knee, and also now on both lower arms - it starts as pinprick purple dots, which then turn orangey-brown (luckily looks like very close-together freckles). It's the pain that's the trouble. I take I buprofen (not much use). The low mood many of us experience is understood. People who haven't had depression can never really know what it's like, no matter how professional they are. This miserable weaher can't be helping, either.

EllieAnne You and your husband are 2 separate people who happen to share a house. Not good. Are there any things at all you could salvage from your relationship?

Our little GD is visiting on Thursday, with mum (DIL). We get on so well with her, which is great.

The foxes have got a feast tonight - ham, chicken thighs, dog food and jam sandwiches. Can't you tell I miss my Mr Cooper . Hope all BDers have a restful night x

HVDY your little granddaughter is gorgeous. Yes, babies are lovely. I love when I see new parents holding tiny little babies when I am out. It makes me smile.

What a beautiful picture HVDY. it it truly wonderful you get on with DiL after the initial troubled time. And its been your efforts and helpful approach.

Scaredycat I was so glad to hear about the visit with GD and GGC yesterday.Not surprised activity today as well tired you out, but oh yes the frustration. (My first Ex and Ds went on those posh standing tent holidays in the Dordogne but everything was mod con.)

Thank you for your caring. Couldn't have got out today: too under the MH cosh, needed extra meds, but I was fortunate enough to have my counsellor switch to tonight at 7pm, which helped explain myself to me and some important stuff about Ex and his effect on me.

Also some guidance to approach GP tomorrow morning. Cried a lot of the way through (and that means a lot as rarely can).

Yes Doodle this is the first proper look at my tum ever F2F with a GP from a gastro POV so matters a lot in term so of best meds. I'm sorry to hear that DH stumbled today on the walk that's dispiriting for both of you.

Yes I do understand Sweetpeasue. OT can just be about how you spend your time not all about Having To Join In but if they try, say no to groups for now. Have they mentioned meds? I'm curious.
You say "Kept being jolted awake suddenly all night. Never had that before. Got up 3am for a while." Yes I get that. I do what you did, go with it for awhile, getting ups for a bit sort of breaks the anxiety that jolted me awake - little read, hot choc.

EllieAnne one of the things I wept about to counsellor was this having to put on a front and the utter exhaustion of it! done it for years, feel I must be unacceptable if I dont.

Personally I think you could get DH to do some stuff. Get him off backside for a bit x

Nadateturbe was delighted to find another Taize song. I listen to them a lot, I have a list on my computer. that is a particularly beautiful one. Great friend report, but one of the only realises that one has gone on too long afterwards....

Evening
Wyllow I’ve made a request to work 2 days but on different days to what I do now. I’ve asked for 1 day in the office and one from home. I like the social contact of the office but it’s a bit more relaxed at home and it will fit in with my childcare responsibilities. I’m doing extra hours too at the moment to help out whilst they’re short staffed, I hoping to gain some brownie points and I’m a people pleaser too so find it hard to say no. Not sure if and when it will be approved though. I’m a bit like you with regard to where I live. I live semi rurally. It does have nice walks and nice pubs/restaurants but I don’t see anyone passing the house either. I like cities with lots going on and noise. Sounds weird as most people like quiet but I’m the opposite. Even my counsellor thought it weird! I’d love to be like Doodle and have a river to look out on and watch things going on. I have said that if I’m ever left alone, then I will look at community living but I think the type of place I would want would be expensive. I suspect you’re a bit like me in that respect. I hope your appointment with your GP offer some relief for the pain you are experiencing. Hope the MH people helped this afternoon
HVDY was thinking about your vasculitis. You say it’s an auto immune condition and a lot of auto immune conditions can be treated my drug infusions. The drugs they use usually end in the word “mab” eg infliximab. I’m no medic and I’m not sure if this would apply to you but it was just a thought. I know someone with rheumatoid arthritis who injects drugs daily so this could be an option too. I had an interesting conversation too today with a lady at work who had seen a programme on the benefits of castor oil treatments for various conditions, including skin conditions, even pain relief. Might be worth googling. Her daughter uses it for IBS symptoms. You don’t take it orally but wrap it on the affected area apparently. Sorry to rabbit on but just might be options to look into. Beautiful baby too. Must bring you some light relief from your problems. Your fox/foxes are very lucky ! You have a nice day to look forward to on Thursday too.
Scaredycat nice for you to see your family. I’m glad the little one is doing well, bless him. Glad you had a nice day too. Rest now. I haven’t been to my caravan for weeks what with one thing and another plus the weather being so awful. Will be going weekend after next so hope the weather perks up by then.
Doodle thank you and yes, I do feel more in control. Glad you had a nice walk. Hope DH’s balance is better after a rest. I suffer from vertigo. Does he feel dizzy?
Sweetpeasue sorry you’re still not good. I hope your appointment next week helps you. Perhaps discuss a mild AD with them?
Ellie Anne is your DH depressed? Could be why he’s inactive and doesn’t converse? Again I’m no medic but the signs seem to be there. I hope your soreness has eased and you get a better sleep tonight.
Nadaterturbe so glad you had a good day. It will have done you good and you can catch up with some rest now.

Hope everyone has a restful night xx