Black Dog 17

HVDY how lovely to have some alone time with the baby.
Hope you had nice get together with both your sons later.
Wyllow never thought about attacking the tablets with a nail file. Good idea.
Sorry the meds are making you feel so rough. Hope your increased main meds help you feel better. Good your DSis is on hand with advice.
You had some scary times with your Ex. I didn’t realise the trouble and danger he got you into.
Scaredycat yes it is. A tiny device isn’t it. I was amazed to see them using one in the hospital too. The things they can do these days.
Yes my DGDs are old enough to visit but one is working so she will be moving back to her lodgings after the summer holidays.
Good your GGS is coping but a shame he has tummy upsets. Must be difficult for him if he’s going out somewhere or at school. How lovely to have such a range of children, grandchildren and great grandchildren between you. Young and older. Best of both worlds. Do you get to see the little ones often?
Sweetpeasue glad you are feeling a little better today. Your Aunt must enjoy your visits so much. Glad you’re continuing with your knitting. Hope you have a better night.
Ellie Anne your poor friend must have a difficult life with her family. How sad there’s only peace for her when they’re in prison. Your friendship must mean so much to her.
Wow. Just read the end of your post and am in awe of how brave and supportive you are to help her with her grandson.
That sounds so scary. Glad you got out ok. You truly are a good friend.

Oh Wyllow that is scary. No wonder you are left with mental scars. I feel a bit of a wimp for being scared last night but I live such a quiet life so noise and violence scare me. I was in her house once and her gs was threatening someone with a k nife and she was holding him back. She wouldn’t let me phone the police so I went into the garden till it calmed down.felt really guilty about it. When her gs is not drinking or taking drugs he is a nice lad. I ve known him since he was little.

Ellie Anne you go to the heart of it. There is violence but more there is vulnerability and all so sad and lost souls.

You did instinctively just what was right, and I'm sure would do it again if called to (tho not seeking it out). As long as your friend can talk to you you are doing something very special - walking with her through troubled times.

Night night BD's - best nights possible.

Wyllow3 what dreadful time you have had with your ex. No wonder you are affected so badly. It must be so difficult being alone at night with your thoughts. Will be thinking of you.
*Glad you're a little better today Sweetpeasue.
Doodle Scaredycat HVDY EllieAnne and others on BD, hope you have a peaceful night.xx
Talk tomorrow.

EllieAnne What a horrible situation for your friend to be in with her GS. You were brave to have gone there in those circumstances. I've never known anyone who takes drugs. Like you, I've had a quiet life. Hope your day goes well today.

Wyllow If you don't feel up to going anywhere, could you sit in the garden? You're going through a low phase, and I hope you'll soon feel differently again. You had some very awful times with your ex. Remembering those bad times is bound to affect you. Be kind to yourself.

SweetpeaSue Glad you felt a bit better and managed to see your aunt. She must love your visits.

Didn't see Son1 in the end - he was busy, but we'll see him tomorrow, on his birthday (he's got his girls all next week), and we had a lovely time with Son2 and baby. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

thank you HVDY and *nadateturbe

No feeling sick last night - panic in the middle but breathed through it. Yes I have had an "ordinary safe life" so had little idea just how much Ex had "walked on the wild side" as he hid most of it when I met him. And maybe, if I am honest, there was a bit of a thrill at his half alluded to past.

Last night I thought, "BD's must think I am inventing stuff" so I was glad to come in and find thank god was believed, for it was all true: but more time needs to pass and the support I get until I can work through it. And how many spaces are there for me to speak my truth? Family don't want to go through it. Quakers know bits and bobs but looking to the long term I didnt ever want to reveal the worst bits as in keeping that space as peaceful as I could for myself.

Had I been less MH vulnerable when we met I doubt I'd have been taken in so much, or not stayed with a clear misogynist and fantasist despite the charm and apparent devotion - living on my money till it ran out. (tho as I have said, we had some good times - even with me it wouldnt have lasted without them).

Ex didnt actually cope well at all in his life with the encounters he had - he kept crashing - but Mum mopped it up and shelled out until of course she was unable and that happened to co-incide with what happened last year.

At 72 one doesn't bounce back as one might earlier in life. It's quite likely had I been 40 I would have looked for "someone else" in time but its left me over wary of people and just feel too tired. I do still play around with the idea in my mind of the more high support retirement living, but am making no decisions!

Hope BD's have a reasonable day, and "get through" keeping on keeping on.

EllieAnne how thoughtful to go without a drink so you would be able to help your friend if she needed you. You’re a very caring friend and very brave going into those places. I feel sorry for your friend having to deal with all that. Sounds scary.
Doodle your husband has managed withdrawal very wisely. I hope you are both ok today and your wrist is getting better. Both our daughters live near the South coast. What a great area to live in, I would love to move there. Unfortunately house prices are much higher (3times at least) than those in NI.
HVDY your BP isn’t all bad. The 80 reading is good but 140 is a bit high. But tbh I don't know whether that warrants pills or not. Sounds like you’re having another good family day. Men are good at “faffing about”, aren’t they 😃. Hope you had a nice meal. It’s lovely how your family enjoy spending time with together.
Wyllow3 I’m sorry you get those feelings that life isn’t worth living. I’m not qualified to help but I know that feeling- that life has shrunk. Yes. It’s horrible. But the feeling passes. . Some time ago I told myself to see being stuck in the house as an opportunity to try things I wouldn’t otherwise do. It hasn't made it ok, but it helps. Often I live one hour at a time too. It’s difficult to make plans. I just try to make the best of it, not easy but less stressful than not accepting it. But I haven't given up. Some days I drag myself into the shower or out for a walk, refusing to give in. Today is mostly a relax in bed day, but I have had a few days where I was semi-active iykwim. So I’ll just go with the flow, as I want to meet my BF tomorrow. I know your problems are much more complex, but I hope you get to the stage where you come to terms with CFS, withut giving up hope of improvement. I know I have definitely improved.
No one thinks you’re “inventing stuff”. And I agree, 72 it is harder to bounce back, but a little at a time. Sometimes I think if you write a diary/journal, it helps to look back and you can see what progress you have made.
You need to eat. Maybe just think of what your favourite foods are, as long as you eat something. Even a pot of yogurt.

Scaredycat It’s kind of reassuring that your AF is considered in the normal range. But that doesn’t help the blood circulation and tiredness. I hope you get more information in October. What a huge family! And such an age range. So many birthdays to remember. You must have some fun times together. I'm glad your little gs is learning to cope. Its difficult for someone so young.
Thank you for your kind comment. You are right. I told my son the problem with visiting him and he rang back immediately to sort out a plan for how we could manage a visit and telling me places he could book so I could rest as much as I needed, if I felt that was better than staying at his. He was very understanding. (He’s lovely).
Sweetpeasue it's good that your aunt has you both. I'm sure she appreciates your company and help. I think many of us don't like photos, especially as we get older and can see ourselves aging. But getting my hair cut always improves how I look and feel. I think you should try to get a mobile hairdresser.
I love Hotel Chocolat batons. Belated happy anniversary.

Hello to Whiff and others.xx

EllieAnne. You say 'noise and violence scare me'. That is a natural reaction for most of us that have not had to get used to such an environment. But you walked into it for your friend, not knowing what the outcome would be. That is the most brave thing ever. Such care and love for a friend and understanding the child you knew who is now an addicted adult. You really are a remarkable person. I wish you could see that. If mirrors showed the inside of a person, I think we would be amazed at the truly beautiful people. I still think the eyes are the windows of the soul, and I'm sure you must have beautiful eyes.

SweetPeaSue- your Auntie must have been so pleased to see you- glad that you were able to get out together. You need your Auntie on a piece of elastic by the sound of it!!
Knitting in the garden sounds a really relaxing thing to do - so pleased that you had a better day.
Have you started your chocs yet?
EllieAnne- what a brave kind friend you have been. What a very hard life your friend has had and is still having. She must value your friendship very much . What a scary experience it must have been.
I never for a moment thought we would have GGC - one day you may have your own.
Wyllow- what traumatic times you went through with your Ex- no wonder it is taking you time to recover and trust again.
Yes at 72 it is not so easy to bounce back but you have a lot of life left in you - baby steps. As you get stronger you will see more clearly the type of living arrangements that may suit you better - you are right no need to make decisions yet.
HVDY- hope you have a nice Birthday day with your Son1 tomorrow- I expect cake will be involved. Hope your legs are not being too uncomfortable today.
Nadaturbe- you have a kind and understanding Son- you will feel less stressed next time you get together wherever you stay. All our GC are grown up and scattered about either still at home or in their own homes. 2 GC and 2 GGC live very close so we see them the most. Yes being with them is fun.
Doodle- we see the ones who live close and try and see others during the year. Love them all to bits. Tomorrow we are seeing the closest ones - GD and her 2 one of whom is the GGS who has the problems.
We too live in the South although you wouldn’t think it was Southerly this afternoon as it’s dull,cool and rainy😩
Hope you are having a good day

Whiff,Candy,Allsorts,and any I have forgotten and those that just read hope your Sunday is treating you kindly.

Wyllow Your abusive relationship with ex has scarred you. I can't imagine the reality of your past situation. Ive never seen up close what recreational drugs can do. I saw what Ketamine did to my mum just before her death from pancreatic cancer. It was stuff of nightmares. Ive a young relative(obvs have to be careful here ) and its heartbreaking seeing him dragged further n further down until he's separated himself from a 'normal' life. It's terrible for their parents who are helpless but, as in EllieAnne's friend and your ex's mum, feel an ongoing maternal pull of love but must also feel the opposite at times. Love/hate, Im thinking with your ex and trying to 'save' him. Drug addiction is a formidable enemy and, on top of MH issues, you must know you did your best. You really did Wyllow. There may still be 'someone just for you' out there. You will go to your gym, not as often as you'd like, but you will go. You will, in time get stronger in body when your heart has healed and scars are less noticable though still there. Just wishing/praying you well again.
Nadateturbe To live 1 hr at a time is a good plan when we feel overwhelmed with our situations and problems. I think the 'this too will pass' can be hard to believe when suffering seems to go on but nevertheless it is usually true. Not being able to plan is, I think, one of the main bugbears. Or having a plan then having to cancel last minute so you stop planning. Been caught out today with pain again but glad it didnt happen yesterday when I phoned aunt to say we'd pick her up.
You have such understanding of people here and I'm sure you are such a help to Wyllow. You must be so looking forward to seeing your son, so pleased for you. Yes I must get hair sorted. Have added problem of white roots showing again so keep saying I'll get hairdresser when Ive had it dyed, then it's Dr's appt or something. I just make excuses because I'm ashamed of it and afraid of meeting new people.

Sorry, will come back later. Out late morning for cafe visit and walk to 'The Works' for DH to get canvas. First thing bowel pain and frequent loo visits. Started again while out. Came back and eased off then started full on with pain travelling through back into lower tum through urethra and down legs. Taken Oramorph and a Tramadol so at peace now and hope I'm making sense.

You are making sense Sweetpeasue and said many wise and kind things.

You say, "Not being able to plan is, I think, one of the main bugbears. Or having a plan then having to cancel last minute so you stop planning." That I think is nail on head. Not knowing when the pain will come and therefore....that rings a bell

And you say, " I just make excuses because I'm ashamed of it and afraid of meeting new people" yes, that's another vicious circle. Really understood. empty diary ahead, and some indifference to putting anything in.

I think that it helps me that I've always managed to be just about"presentable" although it takes more work these days - I don't dye my hair, but I do keep hairdresser appointments. I also look after my skin tho it does seem a huge effort sometimes.

It definitely helps knowing best foot forward if you can manage it. I never linger at the mirror but do keep those dark hairs off my face too.

However, atm you are crowded with appointments. I hope you will soon feel you can do those roots and see a hairdresser.

Nadateturbe thank you for the insightful and detailed description of how you pass your days and manage them. Saying at the end that things are improved because of that degree of acceptance is very helpful.

Thank you for the thoughtful words as ever Scardeycat and may you enjoy the family tomorrow. Do you live within reach of the coast? I realise planning needs to include special measures for GGS (like we do for DGD)

Today has been the first day without the anti-inflammatories which were making me sick and extra constipated and my back held up through Quakers and a 15 minute swim and little CFS pain. More cautious days like this would bring more confidence. I think the extra meds may make me feel more flat tho worth the trade off if it reduces anxiety and panic but a lot of the panic has been the unpredictable physical stuff.

If I can reach a point where I dare to go out more by losing the fear of attack of pain that needs lying down and several hours to recover I'll feel more confident. (yes Sweetpeasue I know thats you).

Must proceed slowly with this.

My family are due in the area for a week in late August - staying in one of those woodland Cabin places - and currently fretting about what to suggest that can do altogether thats not too long, but DiL is imaginative.
Best bet for me is trips to soft play areas or swimming or stuff like that, or very short walks and Macdonalds or similar. Must get car sorted by then!

Doodle Hope you and DH have both been ok today. Did you go for a walk? Not sure what weather was like there, though been changeable here, few showers but mostly warm n windy. Not heard of a cardiomobile before but its really reassuring to be able to monitor problems like high BP at home. Hope you feel the same about the heart monitor. My sleep has been better lately thanks. Do you have any hospital appt this week? Not sure if you have any physio follow up on your wrist. Dont remember if I told you but DH once had hands dipped in warm wax in physio appts. He said it was soothing at the time but didnt have any long lasting benefits.
HVDY How have your legs been, are they just the same? October seems a long way off for you to be able to talk to the consultant. Hope you have a good visit from your son tomorrow. I admit I sometimes have to count back from their birthdates sometimes to determine their ages. I can't believe that when I was in my early 40s I felt 'old'. Wish we could appreciate our age in the moment, instead of wishing ourselves younger.
Wyllow What you suggested for things to do with fam in August sound great ideas. Swimming would be good as the children could expend their energy while you could take it easier by just watching too.
CandyWhiff**Allsorts and Nanny hope you're all ok.
Sorry if Ive left anyone out.
Hope everyone's weekend has been ok. Wishing all a peaceful and restful night. X

I wouldn't worry too much Wyllow3. My daughter usually researches what there is to do. Your DiL will probably do the same. You can just join them when you feel able.
Sweetpeasue I have to count from their birth date too! Im sorry you were in such
pain earlier. It sounded awful. I hope the pains stay away and you have a peaceful night.
Praying for a peaceful night for all of you.
Candy, Whiff Allsorts Nanna hope you all right.

Ellie Anne you are far from a wimp I would be very scared in the same situation. I think you are very brave.
Your friend must appreciate your support so much. She is obviously trying hard to keep her DGS safe. You are a good friend.
HVdY happy birthday to your son for tomorrow. Nice he’s got the girls all week. They will enjoy that. Bet the baby changes so much week on week at that age.
Wyllow I certainly don’t think you’re making things up. I wonder sometimes if people think I am making up my DHs health problems. Every time someone mentions something I say of DH has had/or does have that. 🤣
Glad you didn’t feel sick last night. Sounds like your Ex always had someone to live on financially and took advantage of that.
You’ve still got plenty of life left. Just take your time and decide what’s best for you.
nadateturbe we aren’t actually near the south coast but it is our nearest coast. We love going there for some fresh an air and coastal walks. Your Dds must love it.
Hope your relaxing day helps and you have enough energy to meet your friend tomorrow.
Sweetpeasue what a lovely post to Ellie Anne and so true.
Scaredycat don’t know about you but we have had rain all day today. Where is summer I wonder.
Good your GD lives near you must be nice for her to feel close to you. Must be lovely to see your GGC growing up.
Sweetpeasue so sorry about your relative. Must feel helpless to see what’s happening.
Sorry you’ve had all that bowel pain again. Glad the oromorph and tramadol have helped. I understand how hard it is to make plans when you don’t know how you’re going to feel from one minute to the next. Hope the pain stays away now.
Wyllow so glad you have managed today without the anti-inflammatoires. Please take things gently and try and keep your back safe. Hope you can manage without and gradually your tum and bowel will become more relaxed. Glad you are making tentative plans to be with your family during their visit in August. Sensible ideas and I’m sure the children will love doing things with you like that.
Sweetpeasue we did plan a walk but it has rained all day here today. The gadgets they have these days for monitoring your health. The Kardio one is tiny. Just a few inches long and just over an inch wide but, linked with your phone it can tell you if your heart rhythm is ok or not.
Yes I have physio again this week. She won’t be pleased with me as I haven’t managed to do half the exercises she wanted me to do. My hand is too stiff and if I do too much it aches and stops me sleeping. I used to have physio years ago as a child where I had my hand in hot wax too. Very relaxing but awful smell as I remember. Glad you are sleeping a bit better.

Wyllow Glad you managed to have your usual Quakers meeting and a swim. You know best when you can and can't do things. I know yours and my health problems are very different, but I've learned to think smaller, and even though it frustrates and saddens me to not be able to do things I did even one year ago, I try to have days when I can do some things. As for wondering about what to do in August with your family, perhaps it would be best to play it by ear and join them for things when you feel up to it.

ScaredyCat We're going to take Son1 and his girls out for lunch (unsure where yet but I asked him to choose somewhere decent and we'll pick them up). I'm glad your GGS is now able to eat a more varied diet.

SweetpeaSue I hope your pain has gone now, and that you have a good night's sleep. My legs still have the burning sensation (they're not hot to touch), and the tops of my feet still hurt a lot. Not sure what I can do, nor what the GP could do. Stayed in today.

nadateturbe (Where did your username come from?) Hope you've had a good day.

Hope ALL BDers have a restful night. x

HVDY your legs sound very sore and uncomfortable. I don't know what your GP can do, but I hope he can do something.
My name means Let nothing disturb you. It's from my favourite Circle Dance music.
There are lots of Circle Dance groups in England, and it's so relaxing and those who go are usually lovely people. I recommend it to any of you who are able.

Just to give an example. In case anyone is curious.
youtu.be/vfzQZwe-iOs

What a lovely choice of name!
The circle dancing was lovely. I'd have a go.

Doodle whats been happening to your DH was off the scale and I certainly believed every minute. Can you catch me up. how is his RLSyndrome? Neither of you was getting much sleep then.

HVDY ah adjusting.
Definitely "its not fair"!

Good night BD's present, reading, travelling similar journeys.

Evening all
Not had the opportunity to read for a few days but all caught up now. Had a rare weekend at home so have been busy catching up on things, mostly boring household stuff but quite satisfying now it’s done. It’s made me realise though how I’ve come on - pre AD’s I just couldn’t bear to be at home for any length of time and like Scaredycat said, now it’s easier to just “be” and for that I’m grateful.
Whiff good luck with your PIP tribunal and I hope you get someone to go with you. I’ve had experience of those with a close family member, not easy but be determined and you’ll get there. It’s frustrating how some just “get” whilst others have to fight. Keep on fighting.
Wyllow you have been through even more than I’d imagined it’s no wonder you’re traumatised. It will take time but you will get there I’m sure. I hope the increase in your main med helps you and then maybe, when you’re stronger, you can look at withdrawing the benzos. When I’ve used them , I used to think it’s such a shame they’re so addictive because they work beautifully but now at least they do know more about them so prescribe them more sparingly. My older brother remembers being sent across the road from our family home to get “some little white tablets” from a neighbour for our mum who suffered badly. This neighbour used to just hand them out whenever. Not a good practice. I hope you are calmer and have managed to do a little something today.
Nadaterturbe I’m glad you are getting a visit from your son. He sounds very understanding. It will be something for you to look forward to. I’m glad your faith helps you.
Sweetpeasue I’m sorry you are in a bad place but glad you are getting some help from MH services. Please do not be scared of taking ADs. I understand, I was scared too and put it off for years. I spent a fortune on therapy, private treatments, natural remedies, etc. and whilst these may work for some people, the didn’t for me. The turning point was ADs. I’m not saying these are for everyone, but maybe worth a try. I hope you are more comfortable now. It’s so good of you to take your aunt out and about. She must be so grateful to you and I expect she enjoys it immensely.
Ellie Anne What a terrifying position for you to be in. You must have been very scared but also brave at the same time. It’s a shame your friend has to put up with all that but she is lucky to have a good friend like you. I hope you are ok today.
HVDY glad you had a nice time with Son2 and new baby. You must have been in your element looking after her. Hope your legs are ok and you’ve had a good day.
Scaredycat my, what a big family! It must be lovely for you. Im glad your GGS is doing well and long may it continue. Hope your AF is stable and not playing up.
Doodle hope you managed to get out for walk today. It was nice here until late afternoon when the heavens opened unfortunately. Feel sorry for my DD and family who are away in our caravan. I would have hoped they could get on the beach but doesn’t look like they will. You asked the other day how long I’ve had my caravan? This is our third season and we love it, although like everything else, fees etc have gone up a lot. I hope we can manage to keep it. Haven’t been for a few weeks though, mainly because of the awful weather. Hope your wrist is ok and you’ve had a good day.

Goodnight everyone and thinking of you all and of course those not personally mentioned xx

Wyllow because of your talking about how much you suffered at the hands of your ex and the long lasting effects made me think about my dad.

Dad had a brother their mom died when dad was 3 and his brother 18 months. Their dad married again within a couple of years and had 5 other children.
Dad never called it abuse he used to stay he's dad and stepmother didn't spare the rod. Even at the table which had newspaper as a table cloth his dad had a switch to hand and anyone caught reading the paper got hit. My dad protected all his siblings and took beatings meant for them . Plus the children apart from the youngest where malnourished. That's the only good thing about his dad and stepmother. Dad's youngest sibling was born in 1950 with Downs but he was well looked after at home and went to special school then on to a workshop where they made things to sell for the charity. He was give his wages of a Friday . It was just a bit if pocket money and from the age of 8 and my brother was 7 we took our uncle to get his sweets and comic. In those days lot of front rooms where shops.

Because of the beatings my dad had a hole the back of his right ear and was deaf in it. Plus being malnourished as a child and in the army had an ulcer which had to be operated on when he was 28.

With his siblings encouragement and the beatings getting worse dad joined the army when he was 17 and went to war. It's horrible to think my dad would rather face getting killed by the enemy that at the hands of his dad and stepmother.

Both my parents where born in 1927. Dad never knew what a real family was until he met my mom in 1948. Mom was the eldest of 5 and her upbringing was filled with love and attention . Little money but rich in love. Because of my mom dad found what he had been missing all his life and because of my mom his siblings got birthday and Christmas presents. Only my uncle with Downs ever got those before.

Dad never said he hated his father and stepmother he used to say it was what happened to lot of children in those days. His brother became a functioning alcoholic and worked as a hospital porter he died in his early 60's through the drink . He married the sister of my mom's brother in law who was married to her first sister.

Dad never talked about things what happened during the war as he said they did what they where told to do and hated people who revelled in things they did during the war. Dad only said funny things. He only admitted he was stabbed when I had our daughter but would only said it was in Cario. Took years before he said it was in his shoulder.

I will never know how may dad felt. But my brother and me where brought up with little money as both our parents worked on the factory floor. But dad never laid a had on us . We where rich in love and attention. Things my dad only got from being with my mom and her family. Our life was filled with love and attention from a large extended family. I knew all my great aunt and uncle. Mom made sure from when they where married to visit dad's family every week. I never knew dad's dad as he died a few months after I was born but knew his stepmother my brother and I hated going to see her but we loved our uncle . Because of the care he got he lived until he was 57 by then his eldest sister looked after him as their mom was long dead. He lived his whole life in the house he was born in . The council let my aunt take over the tenancy of it. My aunt said he only died when he did because he gave up when she had to tell him dad had died. He hero worshipped his big brother he died exactly to 2 months to the day after my dad.

I am so glad there is mental health support for people who have suffered abuse at the hands of those who supposed to love them. Dad always said mom and having us was the best things in his life. My brother and I where told every day we where loved and proud of. We told our own children the same thing. And still tell my daughter and grandson's I love them . That's why I will never understand why my son dumped me like a piece of rubbish. Thats another story .

Wyllow thank you. I know have an understanding what my dad must have gone through. But so glad you are getting help and everyone else with mental and physical health problems. X

Wyllow3 As you often say, we must all KOKO. Hoping you have better days.

Nadaterturbe That's really interesting, thanks for that. I hadn't heard of Circle Dancing, but it looks good fun and not too energetic (I used to do Zumba up until 2 years ago but can't now). Looking at it, there's a group in Nottingham. I might ring the person next week.

Candy6 It shows that the ADs are of benefit to you, then. Good. Housework is boring, but it's a good feeling when everywhere is clean and tidy, etc. I hope the weather improves for your DD's holiday. My son had hoped to take his girls camping this week, but that's not looking possible. I must say, I prefer the rain to hot weather, but it's a bit miserable for families. Indoor activities are so expensive. My legs are very painful (I wish I knew if something triggers it but haven't found anything yet).

Whiff Your dad had a very tough childhood/early adulthood. I think perhaps physical abuse (that's what is was and is) went on a lot behind closed doors in those days. My SIL was one of 11 children, and they were all beaten with a leather strap, "to keep them in line". Terrible. I'm glad your dad had a happy life with your mum, and that they treated you and your brother with love.

SweetpeaSue, Allsorts, Doodle, EllieAnne, ALL BDers, hope you're all ok and that everyone has a decent day. x

I was so glad to read that's its a bit easier at home, Candy. Yes I can remember all to well before the anti-d's kicked in you were talking of "would it help to move house" even. So an "ordinary weekend" is a triumph.

The past has a long reach Whiff. the more we understand I think the more we can work out where we're are now. You describe heavy weights looking back.

The point where the unconditional love and hugs enters is the point of healing because it simply says "it's OK to be who you are, there is comfort in the world". My first Ex and I tried to give it to DS, not having had it: we have discussed it and still do: on the whole, we got it "good enough".

I rarely feel "good enough" in myself like this morning I felt useless to people and so alone again and useless to myself.

I need to learn some self-sufficiency because over dependence on others opinions of me - is always a rocky road. I've made bad choices about relationships because of wanting approval and love. But I'm bound to feel wary atm.

Wondering what sort of a weekend you had "*Ellie Anne* and what the week holds for appointments for BD's. Aware of yours, Sweetpeasue, and doesnt MrD have something coming up Doodle?

Bests to all - I need to get out and not be alone on this grey day so will go to the gym and try and sensibly limit what I do.

In bad black hole tho went to gym. Decided to try and reach out of it. Life seems endless grey.

Bests other BD's.

Oh Wyllow endless and grey is exactly how I feel just now.
I went for a walk in the pouring rain this afternoon because I couldn’t stay in.
I tripped and fell fortunately on some grass but was soaked through and covered in grass.
Had to change everything when I got home.
This morning I cleaned downstairs did the shopping and visited a friend who is upset because she has just put her dad in a home. He’s 90 with dementia so there was no choice.
Dh has read his paper watched tv and played on his laptop.
Now he is eating the dinner I have cooked for him and will watch tv till 10.30 then go to bed. He will do exactly the same tomorrow.
I am going to see about a new iPad tomorrow. I’ve made an appointment at the Apple shop and hopefully they can help set it up. Dreading it but definitely need a new one.
Sorry I’m rambling. Hope you’re all ok and having better weather than me ☔️☔️☔️

So, I can’t answer everyone right now. I am exhausted! But have had a lovely afternoon. Maybe later. Just wanted to ask EllieAnne. What would happen if you didn't make his dinner? He sounds totally selfish.