Black Dog 17

Thank you for my hugs. In the middle of another panic attack. I can discern its related to Ex (as well as general anxiety of just coping with my life because I constantly have to meet challenges with low energy and lack of confidence I can do whats necessary just to get food in, and similar everyday needs).

I cant help my mix of grieving and hurt and anger over Ex, so many pictures of thee early days, things still in the house and in my heart, but the things he said and did especially last year.

I wrote this in my diary I have to get it off my chest

"X (my counsellor) and I had worked out at the start he had genuinely to best of his ability loved me.
But last year, it's not so much the threats, fear of stalking, although they were frightening for a long time.

No, its the maliciousness and the punishing
.
The making me feel worthless as a woman or person………Because although on the surface I made the split happen,

…….rejection and cruel words to me run right through his messages and words (and occasionally the opposite, I was most wonderful person ever).
And all his actions pushed me away, not tried to make up, ever. Or tried to, “discuss”. , tho blaming me for all.

The things he did were often abhorrent, some illegal, and he knew I’d find them so, and they were the man he he actually had managed to leave behind before he met me (by isolating himself) had turned - the off grid money, the boastful drinking, the “Ive found this great business opportunity…” and at one point when he went to his brother in 2.5 weeks, brother said he was actually dangerous to his family…

And what gets to me is that I loved him deeply enough that I could never be that cruel, to try and tear him down to his very soul, indeed to ever do that to anyone (whatever I might occasionally think) ….someone you’ve loved that much

..and the torture that he is still alive, but beyond any reach to do any “repairing” that would help.

I wish I were Weller to process this to move on. Will make a call if its too bad.

HVDY you are just wonderful with your family. Like really keeping in touch with son's g friend. Yes, do get some bright plants. I've contrasted some cheap small pink geramuins with a cheap silver leaved plant which goes well with red geraniums too.
Now I understand the rash, can imagine it. Sorry to hear about Mr HVDY. You, a burden? You carry your family on our generous shoulders but I expect DH felt better telling the doc he cares...

So we do, Scaredycat (wobble there) I did go to the gym. Well done on the plants out, but they do get thirsty quickly. You say, "Trouble is once things start to feel improved we just want to do stuff" yes..what are we like......

That's difficult for you *Doodle's the can't do's with one arm out.So glad an ointment has been found for your DH.

EllieAnne so hoping it has gone well enough with DS to ease your mind.

Sweetpeasue another hoping your day hasn't had too much pain and warm thoughts for Candy Whiff,* Candy,Allsorts and our other readers and listeners.

I saw my girls so that was nice. Son was not in a good mood but he rarely is. He’s always been difficult starting with the birth emergency caesarean . Difficult child horrible teenager and not much better now.I love him but don’t always like him. I didn’t wait to see my d in l because I was helping at a church thing but think that was for the best.
Hope you all have a peaceful night

Scaredycat you have been busy. On a warm day too. Not surprised you rested this afternoon.
Yes I’m hoping the ice packs help. Either it’s me doing more or the hot weather that’s making my wrist hurt more. Probably a combination of the two.
No DHs legs don’t really itch. He won’t scratch them anyway as he has to make sure he doesn’t cut the skin or get leg ulcers.
I use Aveeno cream too. It’s good for my hands and arms.
HVDY hot curry in this weather. 😲. That baby will be making its way out at great speed. 😊
No time for sitting today. Been trying to sort out some packing. It’s taking twice as long to do stuff because of the heat.
My DH and son are quite laid back too. Not me, I fret about everything.
Wyllow only by reading all the things you have written about your Ex am I now beginning to understand the harm that people can do to others with their words and actions.
I have something similar in my family but from outsiders not from within the family.
It’s not within most of us to behave in such a way. It’s just awful you had to suffer his manipulation and deceit.

Really upset tum tonight. DH the same so think it’s what we ate yesterday was a bit spicy. The heat is making me feel so tired.
Been thinking a lot about another GNetter today. Just so sad for her situation..

Ellie Anne mothers love. It says it all really. My friend had similar with her son. Loved him to bits despite the way he was with everyone. Hope things will be ok with your DIL. I believe you quite like her. So pleased you got to be with the girls they must like having you there. Hope the church event went well.

HVDY- we bought petunias of pretty pastel colours and our favourites fuschias. The large fuschias were so expensive so only bought little ones but they seem nice and healthy.
Poor Sons GF- i know it’s hot but sometimes a warm bath can help kick start things. Maybe followed by the curry!!
My DH is like yours so laid back and doesn’t worry - so I do enough for both of us!!
Wyllow- oh I feel for you the damage that your ex has done to you. You are worth so much more than that.
You have an enormous capacity for love to still feel how you do but it is time for you to start healing and a visit with your sister might be a good start.
I,m glad you went to the Gym - companionship and gentle exercise are so good for you when you can physically manage it.
Your flowers sound pretty - a lovely colour scheme.
Hope you have peace tonight.
EllieAnne- pleased you saw the girls. Nobody’s children are perfect but we love them no matter what. Has your GD done any more riding?
Good night allxx

Just a quick post so sorry can't address individually. V bad day yesterday. Not too bad this morning so went to book group and felt dizzy and pain coming on so left halfway through. Feeling v sick and bladder pain but wanted to say Ive read your messages and sending love to allx

Sweetpeasue it’s good to hear from you. Thank you for letting us know how you are. Hope you have a comfortable night and feel better soon. Love from us too x

Scaredycat we’ve got petunias in our hanging baskets. Love the purple ones. Like fuschias too. Hope yours survive the heat. Ours have just had a good soak.

Wyllow3 Your ex has harmed you so much, emotionally. It must be very difficult to move on from such abuse, and I don't know how that can be achieved, but I hope you will, with the support of your counsellor. You certainly deserve to have a happy life.

EllieAnne Glad you had a nice time with the girls. You love your son, and that's all we can do, as mums.

Doodle Hope your stomach settles. The heat doesn't help. I've been tired all day, and I think it's mainly due to the weather. Hope you have a comfortable night.

ScaredyCat Your plants sound very attractive. I love Petunias.

SweetpeaSue Hope you have a pain-free night. I wonder if this hot weather plays any part in it?

Hope all BDers have a restful and not too warm a night x

Thinking of you all. Won't be posting until I feel better. Cant concentrate enough. I'm OK until I get up! Extreme fatigue and feeling faint all day. Lying down most of the time Doing puzzles and jigsaw to distract myself. Dreadful.

Sorry you are all having so many problems . But needed to off load. I wet my bed tonight and so ashamed. I have the odd little triggle if I can't get my balance but stopped it before it got worse and got to the toilet. I normally wear a thin tena lady in my PJs I forgot tonight and woke to very wet PJ's and had to strip off the sheets and clean the mattress with anti back wipes and blot all the wee up with kitchen roll. I have put 2 thick towels under a fleece so I can get to sleep again. Will check it doesn't smell in the morning and it should be dry. I will have to ask my daughter to put on a clean sheet as I can't put bedding on as my mattress is to heavy to lift.

I feel awfully ashamed that I have done this all because I forget to put a pad on last night. Both children where c section so had good control over my pelvic floor. Feel like crying . Sorry this is trivial compared to how some of you are feeling. It it's really upset me to think I wet the bed. 😢

Oh Whiff, please don't worry, we're all only human

I can't change the sheets either, so I can imagine you are exhausted with all this now.

Hope you sleep ok.

nadateturbe

Thinking of you all. Won't be posting until I feel better. Cant concentrate enough. I'm OK until I get up! Extreme fatigue and feeling faint all day. Lying down most of the time Doing puzzles and jigsaw to distract myself. Dreadful.

Some times a positive word or two can help, so well done for trying to distract yourself from your difficulties. I hope this passes soon

I do wish everyone here a peaceful night

Namsnanny thank you. I did get straight back to sleep and glad to say mattress is bone dry and no smell. Will get my daughter to put clean sheet on when she comes. I haven't been able to change my bedding since last year. At least all I had to do was pull the wet sheet off. I still feel ashamed but also angry with myself for forgetting to put a pad in my PJs. But after this I won't forget again.

Hope all who are feeling down find something to make you smile today even if it's something silly. Sorry so many are suffering mentally and physically plus this very hot weather isn't making life any easier. I know it's making me exhausted . It was 28° in my living room at 10 last night it's already 25°.

Keep cool everyone and hope you can feel a bit better today.

Aw Whiff, don't feel ashamed...so hard, as its a reminder you need help with the bed, and all the hassle of having to remember pads and so on course it makes you want to cry.

Nice to see you in, Namsnanny.

Understood, nadateturbe so hard to pass the time and will be thinking of you till you feel up to it.

...and same warm thoughts Sweetpeasue, "when you're ready".

EllieAnne I'm just so glad for you the girls are around.

thank you for your kind words Scardeycat (and others!)

After posting here last night I decided to ring the Crisis Line. Felt no way out and the constant depression and agitation levels pushed me over the line.

I knew I'd have to wait for the call-back and it was 3 hours and I got a lovely woman (clearly allocated to me as she had taken a crisis call from me last July in the thick of some Ex stuff.)

Bless her I got over 40 mins and spilled it out.

I'm OK atm as I went and triggered my back badly later and a bit high on Tramadol (it lifts my mood) The back will always be with me but I'm doing my physio exercises.

What I need to find out is which movement triggers it, as its something small - hopefully when I next see the physio she can say, "oh, THIS" is the movement you need to avoid.

Cleaner here this morning, she is cheerful and helpful putting stuff in the attic etc.

No "answers" except reassurance that its not surprising to feel as I do and of course more importantly it will all go over to the team that I'm with.

nadateturbe we understand. Perhaps the heat isn’t helping you either. Thinking if you and hoping you feel a bit better soon.
Whiff it could happen to any of us. Certainly me. I have often had times when I’ve made it as far as the bathroom but not the toilet. Sometimes not even as far as the bathroom. I’m just sorry it meant you had all the trouble of changing the bed. You must be worn out. We all forget things at times. I am supposed to take a tablet for my asthma at night. Despite the fact it’s important I forget sometimes. I can’t take it in the morning as I’m not supposed to have two in 24 hours.
Glad to read you managed to sleep after and the bed is ok.
Hope you manage a good sleep tonight.
namsnanny that’s so nice of you. Thank you.
Wyllow so glad you reached out to Crisis and got some help.
Good idea to find out what’s triggering your back pain.
Your cleaner sounds energetic and jolly. Good she’s helping you sort things out. Hope today gives you a rest from the BD .
Sweetpeasue thinking of you and hoping you’re having a better day.

Whiff That obviously upset you, but I'm sure some of us have wet ourselves - I have, on the odd occasion. Glad your bed was ok.
nadateturbe Hope you soon feel more like your usual self.
Wyllow3 I'm glad you had someone to help and listen. Your cleaning lady sounds very nice. I hope you manage to find out what starts off your back pain.

SweetpeaSue, Candy6, ScaredyCat and others - hope you're all ok. x

Nice at the day centre - quiche, salad and new potatoes, then chocolate sponge with chocolate custard. Our table won the quiz, so we got a chocolate bar each. Coffee with Bailey's. Aerobics, Bingo. A good day.

What a brilliant day centre HVDY. is it voluntary run? Years and years ago I was a community worker and we were setting them up, part funded by SSD, and worked with churches given spaces, kitchens, and aa start with the volunteers. some ladies who ran it cooked from scratch, sounds like yours is.

I was surprised when cleaning lady came as her being there got me going on packing up loose books/notes etc into neat cardboard A3 boxes.

Then another surprise - I got a call back from my own MH people. result of that was nothing short of a miracle - the Psychiatrist whom I specifically wanted for a meds review had a cancellation next Tuesday, or it would be end July. Said yes. It meant postponing physio for two weeks but priorities. Actually had a sleep and black dog was not there on waking. Tired out, tho, nothing has to be done else today except some thought into the GP phone call tomorrow which is a "review all MOT" and need to get ducks in row as time limited.

Doodle what you have been saying about ending up somewhere where I'm not alone and there is a measure of support reinforced by today's thoughts.

I just don't want to end up in a small gossip rife place as not good in those situations. so more thinking through. There is just one place that is spot on as to where it is and facilities but unlikely to hit lucky with as they stupidly dont have lifts to first floor. However there is a bigMc and Stone which has enough people and space in to minimise this. But the service charge -have to be really sure.
.

Wyllow It is owned/run by The Wainman Trust. The Manager, Assistant Manager and Cook are paid, and there are 3 volunteers (all between 45 and 65). It's held in a Community Centre. I used to run something similar, 2017-2019, on the other side of town. I loved it but the Finance Officer was unable to secure more funds - it relied on donations. That's great service, to get an appointment for next Tuesday, particularly with the Psychiatrist who knows you. The nap you had obviously did you good, as well.

SweetPeaSue- so sorry you,ve been suffering so much again. Well done for attempting Book Group - hope your sickness and pain abated and you were able to relax when you got home. Hope last night was peaceful for you.
Doodle- we,ve just watered our plants - they must have been thirsty it’s been another warm day today.
Nadaturbe- I,m sorry you are feeling so worn out I expect the heat isn’t helping . It’s hard when concentration is not good as you can’t read or much else when you feel lightheaded .
Whiff- please don’t feel ashamed I doubt if any of us haven’t at some point had accidents. I have lost count of the number of times the last 5 minutes of a walk have been very dodgy and not always without mishaps. That was a lot to have to cope with
In the night . Hope you have a good sleep tonight.
Namsnanny- thank you for your kindness.
HVDY- another lovely meal for you today- it really does sound like an excellent place and run by very kind and capable people. How’s Mum to be?
Wyllow- so glad you have had a break at last and will see someone who knows you next week. That sleep was just what you needed.
I think Doodle is spot on with her observations re your future living requirements. You need somewhere where you can be private but with people to mix with when you feel like company. You might strike lucky with the good place - can you put your name down for if a ground floor place comes available?
Hope you have a restful night.
Nanny- thinking of you
Goodnight to allxx

HVDY what a lovely meal today. I haven’t had chocolate custard for years. Glad you had a good day. That should lift the spirits.
Wyllow such good news about your appointment. Good idea to think about what you want to discuss with the GP tomorrow.
You are wise to think carefully where you might go. No don’t want a place where you don’t feel comfortable. Yes service charges can be very high. Need to be very careful of how much they go up. Who has control of increases value for money etc.
No easy answer.
Scaredycat do you have a large garden? Is there lots of watering to do? Can be a relaxing task if you do it in the evening when the sun goes down.
Good idea about Wyllow putting her name down for ground floor place.
I’m melting. I have some small ice packs for my wrist…..got one on my forehead now 🤣
Sweetpeasue hoping you’re ok. x

I think it's cooler here than where you are, Doodle - what a good idea for the forehead. I'll give the manager of the place a call - I dont think they are up to Mc and S apparently HQ says, "here's the number the manager changes" I need to do a drive by but no rush.

Scaredycat waves, I hope things are as well as they can be for you

Another hoping you are OK, Sweetpeasue.

sigh - funding often a problem HVDY, but having the paid workers makes all the difference.

Best evenings and nights, all BD's.

Scaredycat I have some deep purple petunias in the same pot as the violas. They are looking v pretty right now. There are some pink flowers in and some purple verbena too. Isnt it lovely to watch them develop?
*HVDY *I love quiche, salad and new potatoes though I always have to add coleslaw. Hope the burning in your legs isnt there too much. What happens now with your DH? Had to smile about the hot curry for your son'girlfriend.
Doodle Hope you are managing to stay cool. I dont remember ever struggling with hot weather when much younger. We have bran flakes too. Iget a v reasonable pkt of 'Trail Mix from Tesco and add some to flakes. It has almonds, raisins, apricots, papaya, and banana flakes in it. Hope your wrist isnt aching so much now.
Nadateturbe So sorry you're having such a bad spell. Do you think you have overdone it in some way? It must be so awful having to rest so much. I understand when you cant do things that you want to do. It can feel like you're missing out on life. I expect there's only so many puzzles you can do before boredom sets in. I hope this resting spell doesn't last too long for you.
Wyllow So glad that you didn't wake today with the deep depression. Relieved you rang Crisis the other day though of course, v sorry you felt so bad. Thank goodness your Psychiatrist can talk to you next Tuesday. Perhaps that will help you get thoughts about your ex that keep haunting you out into some order again. It was so awful to read of the way you had to live and you must have had to squash down all your own feelings at the time. I think it must have been like splitting your mind in two.
How good to have a friendly cleaner you feel so comfortable with.
Namsnanny Hello and Thankyou for your caring words. I hope you are ok today.

Bad night needing painkillers but sick of feeling full bladder, cant go and pressing tummy to start urination. Son asked us for tea yesterday but couldn't go. After v uncomfortable day with bladder, started to get pain so took Tramadol and managed to make it for T today. I couldn't disappoint him but tried to eat some of barbecue stuff but only a little. I'm so scared of pain. I felt past caring and just took swigs of oramorph the other night. I dont think my posts help anyone as I'm feeling so down so sorry about this.
Positive--my DGS was so loving tonight at the barbecue and showed me his moves on the trampoline. So glad I managed to go.

Sorry if Ive missed people out but wishing everyone a peaceful night.
Oh Whiff I hope you're feeling better now. x

How lovely to hear about your DGS Sweetpeasue.

Sharing our pain is as important as sharing small triumphs - and is contributing - coping, not coping, overcoming or being stuck, nearly going under and how we've been helped - all matters.

We all need this space to be heard. It hard to find spaces where its possible.

I found those words so v meaningful Wyllow Thankyou.