Black Dog 17

I adore massages. Very soothing and relaxing.

A nice consultant is good news.
I think you re wise about the googling. I'm sure the consultant will have told you of any "signs" you should report if they occur?

Oh I'm glad you're not so bad tonight Sweetpeasue.
I made my appointment, thank you, 40 mins late. Consultant was very busy but so nice, and took his time. My head injury is healed OK, which is great. The MRI revealed that brain circulation could be better. I won't think too much about that. I can't change it. He gave me a printout of the scan analysis. It was like a foreign language. I googled hyperintensities and then gave up 😁.


Wyllow3 Glad you have a referral for your tummy problems. That's what you need.
Hopefully not too long a wait.
I'm pleased you like the music. I wasn't sure about mentioning it.
I don't circle dance now unfortunately but it is one of the most memorable periods in my life.
I'm surprised that people seem generally to not like massage.
We are all very huggy people where I live. My friends hug each other. All my family are huggers. When you leave a family gathering it takes forever!

Goodnight everyone, hope it's a peaceful one.x

Hi Sweetpeasue I think the thing that keeps my knees/back going is shopping and going up and down the stairs sometimes - with knees and backs its weight bearing practice.

Easy to say, hard to do when there is a lot of pain. 'Like being motivated to do physio exercises. But being depressed/and/or CFS often means you don't want to move around.

There are other MH options to anti depressants, and also SSRI's are not the only ani depressants - maybe see what they come up with? Despite my difficulties, its been the right meds that have made the difference- despite a diagnosis of depression for so long it turned out anti'd's were not the best helper,

Whiff that unconditional love from Mum probably saved most of a whole family. I just hope for you one day your son will "come back" never give up.

After I'd posted I kept trying to ring the phone line for booking my "within 2 week" endoscopy, but the lines were constantly busy, so its up early to keep trying. Hoping it gives some clues as to what I thought was all bowel stuff but my be stomach related. its the cancer path but I don't think and sis doesnt think its that more a "fast forward" Ulcer? Bacterial long term infection?

Am a bit more "here" today. Several things with the counselling were helpful but one things that stands out

diary entry: (edited)
"Counsellor said that in the 24 years of her experience working in local Mental Health authority as counsellor - many different MH conditions - she had NEVER met someone (my Ex) who she’d met/worked with, could have down what he did, said what he said, so extreme, last year, given what she'd previously known of him". that's the point - there had been signs of controlling abuse, but last year was involving illegal matters/police and bizarre and immensely troubling stuff, I'm only processing a lot now.

Jekyll and Hyde.

I think I've already said when he defrauded his mum, he got the police round here to do a search and arrest warrant on me?

She said I was right to have kept a lid on my reactions to him last year (like standing up for myself) whilst the divorce went through as he could have made it far worse, but my "making nice" to an abuser has had its cost.

Nadateturbe Just seen your post. Sorry didnt mean to mislead at all. I'm alright at present, was meaning last night. I know others have their own pain here too including yourself. Do hope you sleep tonight. Such thoughtful posts to everyone.

Sweetpeasue just wanted to say your family must enjoy your cakes. You obviously like baking. But then I saw your last post. You're in such awful pain again. I feel so very sorry for you. I hope you have taken some tramadol and are lying down.

Scaredycat you had a lovely time with your family on Monday and out yesterday too. No wonder you're tired. But it's hard to accept not being able to do what you used to, isn't it?. We have to really think about how we use our available energy. Our pharmacy is the same with queues. It's the standing that is difficult.
I didn't know children in GB do the 11 plus. I thought it was a NI thing.
We, too tried camping with the children, unsuccessfully, as a gale suddenly arrived and the tent almost blew away. But at least we both tried! I enjoyed camping later with my husband. So peaceful.
I hope you enjoyed your cake at WI.

Whiff what an awful life your dad had as a child. What a sad story, and yet he never hated his parents. It was good that your mum was able to show him what a loving family was really like and that you all had such a happy home life together. He sounds like a wonderful father.
It must make you so sad that your son isn't in contact with you, when you have been a loving mum too. Don't give up hope.

Candy Heavens your workload from day to day sounds so stressful. I hope your extra hrs get the appreciation you so deserve. I know people who prefer the busier surroundings and others like quieter areas. We're all different and I dont think one is better than the other. I thought I liked quiet environment until I realised DH prefers even quieter-being interested in property for sale in graveyard! Just no. 😳
Tbh mild ADs sound good to me and I'd be interested in.
EllieAnne Ikwym about friends /acquaintances that envelope you in huge hugs. I don't like that either. Seems way over the top but I sort of freeze a bit till it's over with. Hope your day hasnt been too bad and your aches havent increased with the day. It must have been quite a fall.
Doodle How have you been today? Hope your DH has been ok too and not suffering with balance problems.
I think I'm wary of ADs after having to stop SSRIs last time after only 3 dys. They made me quite ill with severe dizziness and nausea. Plus havimg the painkillers and Amitriptyline and gut problems - dont want to be worse. Could even be the abrupt stopping of HRT thats made depression worse but more likely it's the realisation that Drs not finding solution to pain.

Hope not left anyone out. Restless agitated night again and back, low tum and shooting pains down legs.
My knee pain is getting worse. Have to hang onto washbasin to lower myself on loo. Both knees. When it started it went from completely fine to hardly able to bear weight when first standing, all in a week. Back pain is much worse too. I need to see GP about it but dont want to face the interrogation by receptionists.
Aunt 89 tomorrow. Her DD taking her out with GDs. so took present today, she was over the moon.
Hope everyone has a peaceful night.
X

Nadateturbe I went and bought the Taise song straightaway, and it's so nice am going got download the whole album from Amazon for my music software. nearly all are "new to me" Taise. Sorry for the dreaded car park hold ups.

Sweetpeasue wise to wait for Psychiatrist firstly as you say the drugs you take already could affect new meds but also becuase of something I've not mentioned yet - there are other MH meds that might help better than anti-d's for you especially and that is very much not a GP thing. More thoughts on OT: sometimes OT's can help as in talking through what you do with day maybe stuff like hairdressers and everyday encouragements. Has to be worth a try. You say, "Just trying to keep muscles from deteriorating" yup, thats a big one here too. Very important, very hard to do..

HVDY it's very hard to live with what you are and not get the help, the endless waits. Yes: there have been times when I have hated Augusts cos of "holiday helpers" and of course it's worse now.
Good for you to even get to aqua-aerobics - and yes go for mammogram - helpful post there Whiff.

Scaredeycat I'm glad you got out for cakes and natters at the WI. And oh yes sympathise with the pharmacy queue, mine is like that too - and it's unpredictable. Dread it weekly. In theory, ours delivers - thats if they pick up the phone - I haven't tried it out yet.

Ellie Anne warmest waves. Massages etc are a very marmite thing. Good idea to "Stay with" the hugs - it's hard atm but in the long term you may appreciate them more one day. I only like them from some.

Candy I read your change of work routine with interest. I hope the split week eases the level of stress and they accept the change. Yes very hard to say “no”. Sigh.
But was very interested in you remarks about community and people needs as yes it does match my feelings. People around, but not on top of you, and a bit of life passing by to look out on I think is what we are talking about.

I’m so tried now cant say much: will pop in later or tomorrow, I ended up having counselling last night and the GP was good this morning 20 mins seeing the whole person type session (I made sure of that a bit)
But have got to go for a 2 week endoscopy for tum. Probably put on it for fast forward sis says not dangerous but its for stuff like ulcers or bacteria too. First, I have to get through to them for appointment, it's been “sorry too busy” on appointment line.

Laters.

Well Ive never had or wanted a body massage though DH will massage feet, if asked. I'd be too self conscious too but everyone is different.
HVDY I'm amazed at the lack of follow up you've had over your spreading painful condition. It's so disgusting and you must be concerned. You've tried so hard to get someone to contact you and you'd think someone would be covering consultant's holidays. As you say it can make you feel resigned to go it alone. How many others must feel the same? Glad you got to aqua aerobics. Those foxes aren't going away any time soon with such good feeding. Ah of course can't take plave of your dear Mr Cooper.
Scaredycat Its rained heavily for most of the day here. Dont think Ive ever seen so much rain. Good you got out for WI tea n cakes. Made DH a Lemon Drizzle yesterday but think I should have drizzled in bit more lemon. Took aunt some with her Birthday present this afternoon. Yes I must keep walking though knee was nad last night. Just trying to keep muscles from deteriorating. Ive noticed Pharmacies being short of things for a while. Maddening if you've queued for ages.
Nadateturbe Oh Nadateturbe you've had to wait so long for your Neurologist and then the hold up in car park. Grrr. I hate things that make you late for appts. As you say, many more patients would be too. Incredible the Neurologist from London having to cover your NI hospital. What a state everything is in. The Circle dancing to your lovely music looked very calming. I would try that if I could go with someone though I'd not dare to walk in to room of strangers. Used to love going to dance classes in my late 30s. Seems many moons ago now!
Wyllow I do hope your GP was helpful today. Your tum and the feeling sick must ne horrible to put up with when you are so very down. I'm so glad you got to talk to your counsellor last night. You must have really needed to pour out all those pent up feelings. Thanks for thoughts about OT. I felt like cancelling yesterday. MH nurse rang just for few mins yesterday and said trainee psychologist will be there too with OT. I tend to 'go with' what others want me to do for fear of seeming 'awkward' but you're right I can say no to group stuff. It's not for me right now. Been bit disappointed with MH stuff. Would have preferred female MH nurse even though young man is kind enough. Ive not refused any ADs at all. He told me he's waiting gor Psychiatrist and keeps saying he can't get in touch because he's busy. Says because Im on Oramorph and Amitriptyline, Psychiatrist will know best ones to take. I could have had some from GP but thought I should wait for Psychiatrist.
Whiff Your mum lived to a good age and I'm sure you did the very best you could for her. I know we should take advantage of these tests and scans though I admit Ive not had any Mammograms at all. I did have the smears though hated them in latter yrs. My word, you have been put through the mill with them.
EllieAnneCandy will need to come back later.
X

Whiff goodness, your dear mum went through so much, she must have been a very strong person. But yes, your stories demonstrate how important it is to get checked.

EllieAnne I had a massage, years ago, on holiday. Hated it and felt very self-conscious. Like you, I'm not demonstrative - obviously, I hug my sons, their GFs, and the children - but it still doesn't come naturally to me. My parents cared for us (nobody ever mentioned love) but were quite reserved, so I suppose that's where I get it from. Have you been out today?

Whiff Sorry to hear about your mum. She lived to a big age, though. Awful to have dementia. The last thing I'd want is that. I suppose I ought to find out about getting an appointment. I'll ring the breast clinic part of the hospital.

ScaredyCat I'm glad your GGS is able to enjoy some proper food. Hope your GGD gets to grammar school. If not, as you say, all that really matters is that she's happy. Yes, baby has got a chubby face (chubby all over and so cuddly). My legs are better in the water, but ankles and feet swollen (which only started about 3 weeks ago). Your afternoon at W.I. with cakes sounds good

Wyllow3, SweetpeaSue, all BDers - hope your day has been ok x

HVDY- yes GGS can eat normal dinners but sometimes tweaked a bit according to,what it is. The 10 yr old GGD will go to,Grammar if she passes 11 plus - as long as she’s happy that’s all that matters.
The baby is adorable I love her chubby chops and now you have October to look forward to- it’s lovely for you.
It’s so nice that you have such a good relationship with DiL- have a nice time tomorrow.
Glad you managed to doAqua Aerobics - how,do,your,legs feel in the water?
Wyllow- hope GP was a good listener today and able to help you with your tummy problems.
Putting on a front has exhausted you after all these years - you are not unacceptable to other people - you just feel like that inside yourself I think. You always seem like somebody who would be a fun friend to be with .
SweetPeaSue- hope the MH nurse can help you on Thursday. Please reconsider the ADs .
Walking on the beach will have helped you even though it doesn’t feel like it. So good that you made the effort.
EllieAnne- life sounds so bleak for you at the moment- have things deteriorated since retirement?
I expect you are a bit bruised after your fall - it doesn’t always come out the first day does it.
I,m with you over feet- horrible things except babies feet. But you can’t have enough hugs - glad you are starting to feel more relaxed about them so I,ll send you one!!
Nadateturbe- glad you had a good time with your friend - it’s a long time since you last got together. What a great day it turned out to be- a good sort of tired I think.
Hope you eventually got to your appointment- what a performance!!
Candy-=hope you manage to rearrange your working days - hopefully your week will be less stressful.
We too like a bit of life around us-we live in the centre,of our village and there is always somebody around but,would also love Doodles beautiful river.
Doodle- hope today your DH is not so wobbly .
We walked to the pharmacy this morning and had the dreaded queue followed by not everything being there etc. I know they are so busy but it’s a pain isn’t it.. On the way home it poured but at least we got a walk in.
This afternoon was WI tea and cakes. So many lovely cakes - it should have been outside but the weather is still pants.
Whiff- Ah your poor Mum but what a long life she had despite all she had to go through.
Love to all BDs and others visiting.

HVDY my mom went to the GP with pain in her left breast . He sent her to the rapid access unit. Examination could feel anything. But a mammogram found a deep buried tumour in her right breast. Mom was big breasted. She had a mastectomy and lymph nodes removed and on tranoxifen ( not spelt correctly) for 5 years. She was 73. Her op was in the April her consultant told her if she hadn't had it removed she would have been dead by Christmas. She had cancer in the remaining breast when she was 86 she was staying with me and I noticed her nipple was lumpy. Grade 3 breast cancer mastectomy and lymph nodes removed. 15 radiotherapy treatments. Mom lived to she was 90. Unfortunately she had dementia as well as cancer . But she got to see my son and brother get married and held her first great grandson.

My friend had a my lumpectomy and 15 radiotherapy treatments after a routine mammogram found the cancer she didn't know was there.
Just because you don't think there is a problem doesn't mean there isn't.

I hate anything to do with feet. Won’t look at them unless I have to. In fact I don’t like being touched at all. My dd once booked me a massage and I didn’t like it. When I was in at my friends the other day she had bare feet and they are not pretty so I was looking everywhere else!
I’ve a couple of huggy friends and used to stiffen up if they came near my but I’ve got better.

Oh Whiff I'm sure you don't look forward to that!
HVDY I know others who don't like their feet being touched. It's the only place I can have a massage that won't hurt. 😁
I think we're all becoming a little cynical.

nadateturbe Thank. I don't like "bothering" the GP, but I haven't got a lot of faith in medical people (long story) in general. The Neurologist I saw in April wasn't very empathic - he didn't even give me a leaflet or anything about the condition. He was one of the Consultants who were on strike recently, so I don't know about the department being overwhelmed. Just noticed you said your husband gives you foot massages - I've had my feet massaged once in my life (a couple of months ago, during a pedicure Son2 had paid for) and hated it .

Whiff I know mammograms are meant to be every 3 years - my due one must have been overlooked. I'm not inclined to mention it to anyone unless I feel concerned about something. Glad to not have smear tests any more .

Did aqua aerobics. Could tell I hadn't been for a couple of week, as my legs feel quite weak now. Must start going regularly again. Nobody from Neurology has rang (I didn't expect them to - yes, am becoming cynical/worn down/resigned to the situation.

Since I was 50 had a mammogram every 3 years had my appointment come yesterday for the 17th. It's a Thursday so will miss craft group but having a mammogram is more important. Hope this makes you smile my nipples and areola are the same colour as the rest of my breast and they always have to man handle me to get my nipple in the picture. Just another weird aspect of my life. 🤣

Not to mention those needing the loo!

Just having a moan. Stuck in a very long queue for hospital car park. There is a sign apologising for the difficulties. Might have been an idea to warn people . Have had to ring neurology and say I'll be late. But lots of people will be late. What a shambles, especially at the minute.

Candy I don't envy you. Mammograms are horrible. I always take a painkiller before I go!

Please excuse my short replies and any mistakes, I really am very slow at this.
Doodle It’s great that you aren’t both up walking during the night now, I remember those nights. And nice you got out for a walk, but I’m sorry to hear about your husband stumbling. Poor man, he has such a lot to put up with. Does he use a walking stick? Might help. My husband stumbles occasionally and sometimes uses one.
HVDY Your legs sound so painful. And spreading so much. I hope something can be done for you. It must depress you. And this awful weather definitely doesn’t help. And yet you are such a positive person, still thinking of others (including your very spoilt foxes). Just noticed that Candy has given some very helpful information. It’s just a shame you have to wait so long for your appointment. I’ve had to wait a long time for a neurology consultation too. In NI we have had a neurologist travelling from London every week to help out, as the department is overwhelmed. I wonder could your GP contact them and say your condition has worsened.
Candy Fingers crossed you get the change you’ve requested. I think continuing to have a day at work is a good idea. I think the social interaction is important. I’m glad you feel more relaxed now where you are. I understand your comments though. We live in a busy school street. Our immediate neighbours don’t really bother with each other, but I’ve met friendly people on my “round the block” walks. Also we see everyone out walking dogs, children going to and fro, and life in general. It’s noisy at times but interesting. We would like a bungalow, and had thought of how peaceful a quiet cul-de-sac would be, but I know we would miss watching life in our busy road. So I think people really need to think carefully before moving.
EllieAnne How are you now, after the fall? your home life seems intolerable. Is there nothing you can do about it?
Wyllow3 I hope you slept better last night. Your appointment sounded stressful, but sometimes crying helps to give you some release. Taize music is so calming, I think. Nade te turbe is on an album called Laudate Omnes Gentes, which is available to listen to on Youtube, in case you are interested. I also listen to Hildegard von Bingen, usually when my husband gives me a foot massage. Bliss. Have you tried massage, it is really good for stress. (I hasten to add I love other kinds of music!)
Hope your GP appointment was helpful.
Sweetpeasue life sounds very bleak for you atm. I have no idea what OT will suggest, but you don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. From personal experience I often don’t feel up to seeing people or socialising. But the less one does it the more difficult it becomes. So sometimes, I force myself. And hope and pray for the best. I think Scaredycat’ssuggestion of a brief outing is good. Every little helps.
I wonder would ADs help you at all. They won’t cure the pain, but they just might help you to feel less depressed. You have said I have a good understanding, but I don’t really although I do sympathise so much. I’m reluctant to give advice in areas I know little about.
Scaredycat and Whiff talk later, must rush to neurology review

Candy6 Rang the Rheumatologist's secretary, got through to a very nice lady (there are 2 secretaries so I must have got the other one last time). She made a note of everything I said, said she'd email the Consultant (although he's on holiday until 14th, so she hoped someone else would respond). That was at 9am, so we'll see...... I had my last mammogram when I was 59 - I'm 64 now - and I haven't been invited to go for another one. I'm not bothered . Hope work goes well for you.

How is everyone today? It started off miserable and raining but is now sunny and warm. Aqua aerobics at 1pm. Back later x

‘Mab’ not man

HVDY ah I was right about the ‘man’ then. They are really good drugs so I hope you get offered it. Pity your appointment can’t be brought forward. I don’t why some staff have to be so unhelpful they really should not be in that field if they don’t want to help. It’ll be lovely for you to look after your GD overnight. I always think it’s such a compliment for us to be trusted with our children’s most precious possessions (not sure if possessions is the right word!) but I’m sure you’ll know what I mean. Just been for mammogram (routine). Oh the joys! Work for me from 12. Hope everyone has a good day xx

Candy6 Thanks so much for your suggestions. My appointment with the Neurologist isn't until mid-October. I've asked his secretary about getting an earlier appointment, but she wasn't at all helpful. I've joined 2 Vasculitis Facebook groups, and have seen that quite a few people are on Rituximab, so I don't yet know whether I'll be offered that or something else. I hope you manage to get your working hours reduced. Working from home would be one less stress.

Thanks for all the compliments on my GD. She's a lovely baby. We're lucky that her mum is so friendly with us and involves us like she does. She's asked if I'll babysit in October (she, DH and both sons are going out) and have baby overnight .