Black Dog 17

Ellie Anne you were amazing last night. I truly applaud your support for your friend and where you went. You did well. Yes your husband will never know but you took it on.

Sometimes there are more vulnerable rather than evil people in these situations - you judged well and got in and got out.

Last year there were point when Ex took to extremes because he refused to stay with him mum. (I'd had police support to change the locks on my door). Instead of making nice to me and owning to his problems he kicked off a whole set of situations trying to get me to take him back.

He deliberately got drunk in town and rung me with the no money plea (he's nearly emptied hint accounts and I'd put a stop on them) His mum would have sent a taxi. I said no not bailing you out. His best friend said no I'm not bailing you out.

He ended up at the wrong side of town god knows how and asked me to bring some clothes stuff,

I'm pretty sure I was supposed to say oh come back all forgiven but I didn't but went round - and walked into a crack-cocaine users house - a minor dealer I dont know - the family I discovered had rellies up for murder - but well into the culture.

I went into the kitchen and was left alone with the bloke and mentioned the police were on Ex's case and Mental Health too saying they were watching him.

I'd met people like him as an inpatient when drugs were on the ward and learnt - well -enough.

A number of things like that went on - like him threatening suicide and me getting onto his MH people midnight about it on a Saturday night and I held it altogether

Now look at me. The fall out. Not able to go to the gym, scared to go out a lot and sometimes wishing this man were still around. The effects of abuse when MH gets mixed up in it are profound.

I just wish there were someone who I really felt was there. Days pass and I have come to dread the nights.

How lovely having all these g c and ggc scaredy-cat.
And am envying Hvdy her baby cuddles. I have my three but there won’t be any more. When the youngest is too old for something I give it away. Travel cot going to a charity on Monday.
Saw my friend today. She is ok but tired of it all. She’s 82 and has been dealing with these problems for many years. The only thing time she gets peace is when they are all in prison but only one there at the moment. I was scared last night because we went to a horrible area to help her gs and ended up in a flat with a couple of very drunk possibly drugged folk and the door was locked. The whole area is full of drugs and has a horrible atmosphere. However we got out in the end.
My dh doesn’t know about any of this as he never asks where I am going anyway.

Scaredycat A second Wow! from me. So many children in your family. Your calender must be v full indeed.
You always post in such a positive way yet your AF must be so troubling.Hope you get some reassurance about it in October.
Thankyou for your best wishes for anniv. Oh, these selfies seem so weird. I think a lot of young people who look lovely anyway, seem to put filters on too. I'm with you-hate photos. Hope you are ok today.

EllieAnne Another of your posts you spoke of self-image problems and I understand that so well. I really hate mirrors - so much that it's one of the things why I'm phobic of hairdressers.Hate the self-serve tills where you can see yourself in mirror. You are v kind to be there for your friend like that. You are a good person.
Doodle Thankyou. Yes you're right about yesterday's call. It was a tough day but today has been better. I think it's good idea to reduce medication that causes problems in a v gradual way as your DH has. I think my HRT should have been reduced gradually instead of 'cold turkey' way. Hope your weekend is good. I sometimes think weekends can be strange things-as if everyone is having a great family time and if your own is quiet can make one feel lonely. Dear EllieAnne comes to mind.
Wyllow Oh you sound so low and alone. Hugs for you and thinking of you. Its a long day when you are forced into bed to rest. I'm sure your sis is right about the Naproxen and Lansaprazole. It doesn't suit everyone and feeling and being sick is horrible, as is the bunged up feeling. When my bowel problems were worse I cut down food wise drastically as you don't know what else to do. But yes, be careful about it becoming habit. Vicious circle for you as the little swim could have helped there plus moodwise.
HVDY Thanks (wed anniv) Afraid I dont need excuse for wine and choc but nice to have one. 41 yrs (not without cross words but comforting ones too). Where did those yrs go? Frightening. Glad you got some hands on baby time. Hope you have a nice time later with a family meal. Sunny here today thoughmore than breezy.

We took aunt out to supermarket n cafe. Can't tell you how tiring it was but hadnt seen her for 2 weeks and need to keep in touch-have to keep hold of her round isles as no sense of direction. Been in garden for little while and still knitting. Feels like automatic mode - knitting-bit robotic-but anyway, a much netter day than yesterday. Thankyou everyone for best wishes on anniversary.
Hoping all BDs are ok. x

"In answer to your question - We have 5 children between us, 9 GC, + 2 step GC and 4 GGC at the last count!! Age range for GC andGGC 38-9 months. Lots of cards to buy!!! "

My goodness Scaredy-cat talk about prolific, wow!

Thank you for your kindness. very stuck in the loop of physical pain and CFS blocking activity which would lift mood etc, then finding meds cause sickness.

Yes will do what you say as regards meals. But need to stick to a narrow tum friendly diet. My treat is dry white wine that I know you've had to forgo.

Wyllow- nice you got out yesterday - result a small pharmacy queue.
Closing your account was a big step for you but a necessary one to help you gain your independence . But of course it felt sad too- the end of a chapter.
Ah just seen your last post. I,m so sorry you don’t feel up to going out but your body and mind must need a rest. Can you open your window and let the air and sunshine into your room?
Sounds like a good plan to try your psychiatrist suggestion of upping your main meds. If your other meds help you that’s what they are for- you are very clued up about what you take so don’t worry too much.
Please try to eat regularly. Maybe little and often would suit you better. Get some of your favourite things- don’t count calories just some lovely flavours and textures as long as they don’t upset your tum.
Thinking of you.
Doodle- is it a Kardiamobile you use at home to monitor DH heart rate?
Glad you enjoyed your family get together. You must have had lots to catch up on. Will you see your DGDs in the school holidays when they come back? Are they old enough to visit you on your own?
I take meds for the AF and my heart rate although permanently in the irregularity of AF is within the “normal” range . But of course it makes me tired because I don’t get enough oxygenated blood circulating. It is never in normal Sinus Rythym. Will see what they say in October.
Thank you for asking after my GGS. He is doing ok and can eat most things now. But some days he has pain or upset tummy- so hard for a little 8 yr old to cope with.
In answer to your question - We have 5 children between us, 9 GC, + 2 step GC and 4 GGC at the last count!! Age range for GC andGGC 38-9 months. Lots of cards to buy!!!
Hope you are both well today.
SweetPeaSue- congratulations on your Wedding Anniversary.
Oh that is a lovely Chocolate Shop isn’t it- hope you can enjoy your present later on today.
Your DH must feel helpless to see you in bits it was good that he got to talk to the MH nurse too. I would think she realised just how distraught you felt so it was opportune when she phoned.
Please don’t be scared of the ADs - the psychiatrist will choose one that will be safe for you. It would be wonderful if they help you- they certainly have helped me these last few months. I was scared too.
Take care of yourself - wishing you a peaceful evening.
Nadaturbe- your children must realise you find travelling difficult. I think often our children don’t want to face the fact that we are not as young as we were. I know sometimes I can’t believe how old they are too!!!
Hope you manage to enjoy the weekend despite the tiredness.
EllieAnne- sounds like we all feel the same about mirrors and photos. I,ll do anything to avoid a photo. All these people taking selfies all over the place- I,d rather stick pins in
my eyes!!!
What a lovely friend you are - hope your friend was ok last night.
Hope weekend isn’t too difficult for you.
Love to all

Sweetpeasue hugs for your anniversary.

Yes Doodle DH is doing it just the right way. In the past did similar - used a nail file to rub off a bit more tablet over time.

Sounds like a nice day with the good weather and family times, and HVDY

Today just very bad I'm afraid. No chance of going out. When I posted earlier I thought I might pick up a bit but depression and exhaustion and more seedy than ususal just had to go back to bed. And it's so lovely out.

Rung sis about the Naproxin and we agreed it had to stop, along with the Lanzoprazole you take with it which is supposed to calm the tum but some people me included it upsets it. worried about pain control and everything and agitation so bad and panic.

..decided to to what psychiatrist suggested 3 weeks ago which is to up my main med a bit I'm not coping like this. I'd held off as wanted to minimise side effects of everything but have been on this new dosage before.

I've not been eating properly for some time as it hurt and its become a "thing" (putting food in body when self hate) so need to keep an eye open.

Life has shrunk very small today is "one hour at a time". And its so sweet outside wish I could cry.

SweetpeaSue Happy wedding anniversary. An excuse for a piece of cake and a drink, I'd say. How many years?

EllieAnne You're a good friend, offering to help out if you can.

Son2 and baby came here earlier - he's got her alone for the day , so whilst he and DH were faffing about in the shed, I fed and changed her, and now he's gone to a country park - we would have gone too, but it would be more walking than I'd manage. We're going to meet him for something to eat and drink later, at teatime. Son1 said he's coming here, but that could be any time . It's sunny and pleasant here, with a lovely breeze. Hope everyone's ok x

Sweetpeasue what a day for you and your DH. Congratulations on your wedding anniversary. Maybe it will have turned out for the best that a phone call came through when you were at a low point and they could hear how distressing life is for you and your DH. Hope now you will get the support you need and the appointments over the next week or so will help. Please give the ADs a go if you can as you really do need some help. Sending hugs.
Wyllow DH has been trying for some time to come off one of his meds. According to the internet and patient information at the low dose he’s on now he should be able to stop without any side effects. Not so. So he started by cutting the tablet in half, then half every other day then one third then one third every other day. He is now on one third every fourth day gradually increasing the gap. Sounds silly but it is working.
Hope you get to a point soon when you feel able to start reducing the meds you want to cut down on.
Sorry you felt sick. Horrid feeling. Hope you manage your swim today.
nadareturbe I understand. If you have to travel any distance to see family it can be more difficult. I am blessed that ours live close by.
Ellie Anne it just shows what a lovely person you are to be on standby for your friend. Not drinking yourself in case you are needed. That shows what a caring person you are. I Hope your friend is ok. Drink and drugs (of the recreational kind) not a good mix.
HVDY we have been to Haven for holidays in the past. And Butlins when the boys were younger. We are closer to the south coast so that’s where we aim for.
Have a peaceful day all.

Wyllow Skegness isn't my favourite place, but the beach has improved over the years - it used to be pebbles, but a lot of sand was imported from somewhere (Spain?) some years ago, and it's lovely now, for little kids. Filey is lovely.

Ellie Anne its good to hear you can be there for your friend.

I thought I would be sick in the night again but wasn't, but it was a grim night, woke in pain and exhausted. Problem balancing the anti inflammatories - source of sick feeling and bunged up down there - and pain relief.

If I possibly can I'll go for a little swim later, trying to persuade myself anything is worthwhile, or has a point.

Went to Skegness as a child, HVDY (brought up in Hull, and it was at the time a ferry across the Humber) and found it hard to find the sea. We all preferred splashy waves so it was back to Filey the following year

EllieAnne Thinking of you this w/e and hoping you can get out somewhere and talk to other people.

Nadateturbe, Wyllow, Whiff, all BDers - hope you all manage to have a decent day x

Doodle Glad you had a catch-up with your son and his family. Haven have got some lovely places, both my sons have been to the Skegness one (it's the nearest seaside place for us). Your GDs are quite grown-up young ladies then. I'm glad your husband's PB is ok. Mine is slightly high (average 140/80) without tablets, but the GP seems to think I need to be on meds for that - although they're on strike next week!

SweetpeaSue Don't be worried about ADs - honestly, you will probably feel so different once you've been on them for a little while. As for not being happy with your appearance, I think most women are like that. You could get a mobile hairdresser, a hairpiece, possibly. Other people might notice your hair, but will very quickly turn their attention to something/someone else.

Sweet pea sue I’m sorry that you are having such a dreadful time. It’s good that your dh got to speak to the mh nurse and it sounds like you will get some help. I know how upsetting it is when you are conscious of not looking good. I have terrible self image problems. Can’t bear photos or mirrors.
Doodle I had what was left in my wine bottle probably a small glass and a double gin. I have a measure for spirits because it is easy to pour too much. Tonight I’m having an alcohol free lager because I’ve had a bit of a scary night at my friends because of her family problems. ( drink and drugs involved). I told her to phone if she needs me so I’m not drinking. Watching an old antiques road trip to take my mind off things.

Nadateturbe Please dont worry about me. Looks like I will be getting the help I need right now. Thankyou for your prayers and caring. Sleep well tonight. x
Wyllow Thankyou for that link. Will take a look. x

Sweetpeasue Thank you, but I don't have pain that often just the tiredness. I'm fine. But worried about you. I feel so sorry you are like this. To be suffering so much and no one accepting responsibility for causing it.
I hope the medical people can help you. It sounds like they realise how poorly you feel.
Perhaps ADS would be a good idea.
Sending lots of hugs.xx

Think I'm getting tired, forgot to answer Doodle.
Doodle. We chat a little on the phone. I would love to see my children more but I'm not good at travelling, not sure they quite get that. Im sure it was lovely to see your son and GC. I'm pleased for you.
Like you I pray morning and night and often seek guidance during the day.
The HR gadget sounds like a useful gadget and easy to use.

Sweetpeasue you are in crisis right now and just sending lots of hugs and its so hard being in the place you are,

They will help you, they are clearly involved now, and do ring them when it feels unbearable, your life is hard to bear in the meantime. I'm glad DH got to talk to them too. x

I've popped into MIND Side by Side tonight you can "chat" on there, you register and have a look around. (its moderated mutual support by MIND)

Google MIND Side by Side

Could have worded that better .

Nadateturbe I too am so pleased for you that your son is visiting. I hope you are ok. Your pain sounds awful and must make you so low. X
Wyllow Sorry youre feeling so bad tonight. I'm sure the closing of the joint account will have triggered your sadness. Thinking of you. x

Doodle good point about taking meds.
Why worry if they're helping.
Wyllow3 one thing at a time. Dont worry about the meds.

I'm v emotional so probably shouldnt post. Trying to keep on. DH wanted to take me to Hotel Choc to het treat foe wed anniv tomorrow. I didnt remember which is awful. Didnt really want to go but thought I should. Got nice chocs. Everyone could see my bad hair. Nervous. Just telling him everyone looking at my terrible hair and him saying we'll get mob hairdresser. But I know Id cry. Cant stop.Cried all way home and husband not knowing what to say. While crying phome rang. Was MH nurse. DH talked to him. Then myself. He will call Tuesday to see how I am and also appt with him Thursday. Trying to sort out ADs.He wants Psychiatrist to sort out as I'm on strong painkillers and Amitriptyline. Dr might call me next week, he's been striking. Also assistant Psychologist coming with Occ therapist week after. Given no. for weekend if need Crisis but cant get through easily. I'm scared of taking ADs but I've been sinking fast so must need something. Not right to be like this. I dont understand why the Drs lied. Yet I do--but doesn't seem to help. Just makes me feel worthless as if I didnt already before it happened.

So terribly sorry. You all have your own problems. I 'm so glad HVDY saw her little GD again and fed her. Keep going everyone. If you will I will. You all jave so much to cope with. EllieAnne Hope your weekend is ok and you manage to speak to your Dentist. These things are so expensive and you deserve for things to be right.

Hope all have a peaceful night. X

Aw nice baby time there HVDY

Doodle also you had a family catch up good to hear.

I'm very happy to take the meds lifelong except the quantity of benzodiazepines am on is messing up my physical health. Ie I get no benefit from being addicted to the amount of diazepam, but its a lot and could only come off very slowly and when my life better

But my main med am fine with feel the same as your asthma or people here on anti'd's - glad to have it. Life saving in its own way.
Closing the account down hast given me closure - its given me a great deal of sadness and feeling lost lamb and very low indeed tonight, but I think those feelings were underneath anyway and have to let more time pass and go on getting help. the key MH question they ask, "are you getting pleasure out of life" the answer is rarely because not the energy to do the things - family, gym each day, walk in nature that make it worthwhile.

madateturbe so pleased your son is going to visit. 18 months is a long time. Do you face time or talk on the phone? I bet you can’t wait to see him.
I’ve been to see one of mine today. They are off on holiday soon so we paid a quick visit to catch up with them all before they go. Haven’t seen my DGDs for a couple of months so nice to hear what they’ve been up to.
Wyllow it’s amazing the sort of health equipment you can have at home these days. I was amazed when we went to see the community heart nurses that they were going to check DHs heart rhythm using a gadget I bought off the internet. I thought they would use the normal ECG machine with leads but they were just using a small hand held device.
I wonder what the difference is between being addicted to something and relying on something you can’t stop.
I wouldn’t say I was addicted to my asthma meds but if I stopped taking them I would die. Is it a concern to have to continue taking meds if they help you live a better life?
Isn’t it better to take something you are addicted to if it allows you a more normal life than to come off them and be depressed or unable to cope?
I say my prayers morning and evening but tend to do long prayers in the morning (when I’m awake) and short in the evening (when I’m sleepy) and often something throughout the day as I think of it,
To be honest Gorgonzola is not a strong cheese in my opinion (although it looks it) and the flavour was very mild. Quite pleasant in fact.
I also think a short trip put every day is a good idea. Glad you had a coffe and sorted out the bank.
Ellie Anne I had my front teeth crowned many years ago (one split up the middle). I have never been happy with the, as they stick out like rabbit teeth. Wish I’d done something about it at the time. Glad you enjoyed your walk.
As long as you’re not drinking too much, does it matter if you have a drink and eat chocolate if it cheers you up? When you say too much, I have a rather large glass of wine every night. Probably too much but I enjoy it and it helps me relax.
HVDY funnily enough DH isn’t on any meds for heart failure at all (apart from the fluid tablets) . Now his heart is back in normal rhythm he seems ok and his BP is fine.
My oldest is grown up and youngest late teens. Lovely girls
So pleased your son and his partner seem to have settled down into a routine now. Good for them and her daughter and the new baby. Glad you got your cuddles today and the B-road band sorted too. Success.
Scaredycat is there anything they can do to control your AF or would you rather let it be and just live with it?
You are lucky to have so many of your family around you. How many DGC and GGC do you have? Haven’t asked for a while but how is your GGS doing now?
Sweetpeasue how have you been?

Hello Doodle and Sweetpeasue and Whiff. Hope your day has been OK.