Black Dog 18

Hello all I've been trying to write all day but sick with worry about tomorrow - tho know I shouldn't be - (gastroscopy) and I've been too tired to go out and distract after all yesterdays emotion. Just trying to pass the time, feeling strange and irrelevant, and it's good to come in and read posts, very thoughtful ones too. Back later xx all BD's.

Never irrelevant to us Wyllow.
Decided on Citalopram this morning.
Will take 1st dose tonight--gulp!
We're all with you and think of you. Backk later. x

Wyllow3 I think anyone would be nervous about the gastroscopy. It's understandable that you're anxious. I hope it all goes well.

SweetpeaSue Best of luck. It should help you to sleep.

Thank you both so much and Sweetpeasue well done making a decision its worth a go!

Wyllow3 is there anyone who would come and keep you company for a while? Take your mind off it.
Sweetpeasue Well done. It's worth a try.

DIL sent me this adorable photo of baby looking at her dad. Her little face.....

Oh HVDY she's gorgeous. I love babies. My husband and I spend a lot of time looking at other people's babies when we're out. You're so lucky!

Wyllow I wondered the same as Nadateturbe - if anyone could go with you but perhaps late in the day now to arrange. You will be glad to put it behind you but only natural to feel worried. Will it be morning or afternoon? Will be sending out good vibes for you at the time.
HVDY Thats such a beautiful photo, catching the moment their eyes are connecting. Such a sweet and lovable little face. Hope you got the chores out of the way.
Nadateturbe I'm glad you've not got Glaucoma but wise to keep monitoring the condition. You've reminded me about eye-tests. Its quite a while since my last one. What a lot to keep us going as we get older.
Like having lots of MOTs.
VioletSky It can be worrying when we are waiting for tests and scans. I hope you're feeling a bit more settled today.
Allsorts Husband and myself had Covid last July and was certainly no picnic. Hope you're starting to feel a little better. It can take a while to pick up so be kind to yourself and hope you feel better soon.

Hoping all BDs had best day possible. Phone appt was a bit emotional as Dr encouraged me to talk which meant going over stuff. She was nice and should either see her or get another appt in a few weeks. Going to take first tablet bedtime then if there are side effects I'll hopefully sleep through. Last time I took an SSRI had racing heartbeat extreme agitation and v panicky, which is why Ive been reluctant.

Sweetpeasue I was like that when I took an AD, but if the side effects don't ease, you can try s different one. I think it takes a little while to feel them helping. The phone appointment seems to have been very helpful even though you got emotional. It helps to talk through things.
I was actually wondering if someone could keep Wyllow3 company for a while this evening. But have you someone to accompany you tomorrow Wyllow3?
You're right, we do have a lot to keep us going. A calendar is essential! You really should have eye tests.

Wyllow you son wouldn’t have written it if he didn’t mean it. He sounds nice. I want you to save that message somewhere close to hand and every time you start feeling worthless or not wanting to go on, read it and know that you are loved as you are.
I do Hope all goes well for you tomorrow. It will be a hurdle to overcome but once done hopefully will provide reassurance.
We are always here for you. Remember that.
nadateturbe I say the words to O Lord hear my Prayer before I go to sleep. Sort of sing it in my head. I find it comforting.
HVDY I have one painting by numbers hanging up but the other one I did I abandoned as it was far too complicated and didn’t look anything like the picture. The new one I’m doing is much smaller. It will take me ages to complete.
That’s such a lovely photo of your little one and son. How she’s grown in such a short time. And all that lovely hair. So pretty.
Allsorts sorry to hear you’ve got Covid. Hope it’s a mild version and you are feeling better soon.
Violetsky we can’t help but worry about things when they crop up but the best way to tackle them is get it seen to straight away and find out what you’re dealing with or if there’s anything to worry about, Hope you get checked soon and all is ok.
nadateturbe I love pouring paints. Even people with no talent for art (me) can make something spectacular with them.
I have used them on canvas and ceramics and just stones from the garden . Ah I understand about the clinic now.
Lovely to have nice things to look at on your walks. We love looking ay peoples gardens too.
Sweetpeasue glad you are going for it. Hope over time it helps, Did your DH get any?
Remember you can always try taking the tablets at a slower pace if you need too. Don’t expect instant results.
Sounds like really good chat with nice GP. Hope you get to see her in future.
Scaredycat hope you’re ok. Have you been out at all.

nadateturbe Thank you. I'm not particularly interested in babies, but I adore this one (I love our other GDs, obviously, but their mum never included like this). The other 2 have sent me a couple of videos of them on the beach and at the campsite today. Good idea to keep a check on your eyes. Eyesight is so very precious.

SweetpeaSue Thank you. She's such a happy baby, and has kept all her hair (black, same as her dad, also my other son). Citalopram (like any other AD) takes a while to work. Is your DH on the same one? It seems to be quite a popular one, I know several people who have been on it. I took it for many years.

Doodle Thank you. For a man who for years said he didn't want children, it's so heartwarming for me to know that he's being such a good dad. Just hope he and DIL will one day live together (although he's at hers for 5 nights a week). You must have avery steady hand and a good eye for detail to be able to paint. Now I've got my new glasses, my eyesight is better so I ought to try something like painting or drawing.

Wyllow3 Thinking of you and wishing you well for tomorrow.
ScaredyCat, Whiff, EllieAnne, and all other BDers - hope you have a relaxing evening x

Doodle It's lovely. I sing it after my prayers. Actually I sing it often. It makes me feel that God is close.
I remember you saying about pouring paints. That's why I got them. I'll try when I come home.

Wishing a peaceful evening to all on BD. And hoping you manage to get some sleep.
Thinking of you Wyllow3. xx

Wyllow best wishes for tomorrow. I know it's pointless to say try and relax but if you could think positive thoughts about anything it might help like a beautiful sunrise,flower ,or your grandchildren laughing. It will be hard. Try some of your yoga breathing exercises that might help. I wish someone was going with you. Everything crossed for you . 🌹

You all went straight to the point......I wish there was someone to go with me, but the isolation with ex, family distance, and now CFS and depression mean that there is a Quaker lady collecting me but no one I could ask to go with me. I so wish there was, I feel intensely lonely and you are all very kind to have thought of that and

I so wish I could say, yes, so and so is coming with. And I'm bad at asking for help. I feel nothing it worth it, I'm not worth anything just now.

yes I did think of printing out what my son said cant get it together today.

HVDY that picture is so sweet, yes a lovely baby, but seeing your son bending over fondly - that was so nice.

Sweetpeasue I find its difficult sometimes to go through things "yet again" but they probably have to be really sure, I'm glad to hear of follow ups too

xx BD's thank you all for making the awful that bit easier sorry for not naming individually I always read x

Doodle Sorry I wasnt clear. Yesterday when DH rang GP it was for himself. GP asked him to make a separate appt at our joint appt day before. He picked up his own presc of Sertraline yesterday.
HVDY Was there any reason your AD changed to Mirtazapine? I did have Seroxat a long time ago but yes, I realise any benefits aren't normally felt for 2or 3 weeks at least. Crossed fingers no severe side effects.
Whiff Hoping your bad pain flare has eased. Helpful, kind words there for Wyllow.

Wyllow You are a valuable person even if you can't think so right now.
Prayers coming your way tomorrow.
Wished 1 of us lived nearer. Warm hug. X

SweetpeaSue I was on 20mg of Citalopram for about 10 years, probably more. I ended up thinking I was "cured" because I felt fine. I stopped taking it - something you should never do with ADs - and gradually, the symptoms of depression came back I didn't notice for a month or more, and then realised I was crying all the time, had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, so went back to the GP and asked for Mirtazapine as Son1 was on them (he had a breakdown caused by stress from his ex re the children). I've been on them since, 45mg, the highest dosage, for about 5 years now.

Thanks HVDY Appreciate your experience. x

Thank you Sweetpeasue! Yes wish that too.

Wyllow wishing you the best tomorrow. We are all coming with you in our thoughts. x 💕

Thank you Doodle x

How quickly the little ones grow. She is beautiful.
Wyllow thinking of you tomorrow.
I would go with you if I was there.but it is good that someone is picking you up.
I was very low at the weekend so I emailed the Samaritans. I had a nice email back but they come out with the standard phrases and you don’t get the same person answering each time so. You can’t build up a rapport. I know they do a great work on the phone and face to face but I don’t think email works for me.

Sweetpeasue my flare lasted 9 days worst it's been for decades. But I got through it. Speaking to my GP next week . I had asked for a referral to the pain clinic but think I will see if she agrees to my taking 3 10mg Amptriplyine a day instead of 2 have been on that dose since 1992. And take the extra one when in a flare. At least my GPs are easy to talk to.

Having my boobs flatten today having a mammogram my regular 3 yearly one. But as usual I don't worry about things until there is something to worry about as it's a waste of energy and I get tired enough without living with what ifs . Unfortunately means I miss my craft group but at least we keep in touch via what's app. I decided after my husband died if I ever did get breast cancer it would be lymph nodes removed and mastectomy. Plus any chemo or radiotherapy I needed. Mom had it twice first mastectomy aged 73 second aged 86. It's like when I had my hysterectomy aged 38 we had the children plus my health had gone down hill from aged 29. It was a no brainer total hysterectomy including taking my cervix. Got rid of all worries in one go. I knew the 2 litre cyst was benign but it was all the little ones that could have caused a problem lucky they where all benign.

Can't remember if I said someone from the Brain Charity is going with to my PIP tribunal on 29th. Meeting her on Monday . At least I won't get into a tiss this time as when I went on Friday I got lost . Because of my HPX I have problems with crowds ,loud noises and large buildings. That's why I don't like going into the city by myself apart from going to the rail station. They are lovely at the Brain Charity as I burst into tears once I got there. Never knew before my diagnosis anxiety was one of the symptoms of HPX just thought I was weird. 😁.

Anyway you all have enough on your plates with all your own much serious problems than me . Thank you all for mentioning me. I do read everyday as I like to see how you are all getting on.

You are a very strong group and most of you don't realise just how strong you are . Your courage whatever you face shines through in your posts. As it takes courage to write if you are having a really bad time. You all have the fighting spirit to get through everyday never think for a second you aren't valued or your life isn't worth living. You are a group of very tough woman who support anyone who posts here no matter how ill you feel on the day. Never lose that fighting spirit unless you have a terminal illness and you have death knocking on your door fight on.

I know what it was like for my husband he fought until the end and only let go when I told him to stop struggling and we would be ok. I had to do that for him because of our love . He died few minutes afterwards. But we where lucky to have found eachother we where eachothers other halves. Some people never find that . But anyone here who has had that knows you are never whole again. But I do what he wanted and live my life to the full.

Take care everyone and hope you all have a good day and remember little things help . And try to find a positive out of a negative even if it's a flower or funny cloud. There is always a positive even if it's silly. 🌻

Wyllow3 will be thinking about you today. You're not alone. xx
Just reading your post Whiff.

Thinking of you Wyllow. Hope it goes ok.