Black Dog 18

I have wonderful friends but I just haven't been able to do it... Apart from when I estranged my mum, I just don't have drama, it just isn't who I am and when it was all small, it didn't seem worth it and when it got big... It was too much to explain

sorry sent too early.
VioletSky... no one to talk to and that can make us worry more too. Do feel you can come here whenever. I hope if you are anaemic you have some sort of medication to help with that too.
Doodle I looked at my post a while back and was upset when I posted it. I see I misled and the Urologist didn't say it was nerve damage but nerve related, at least his words were actually nerve disruption. Well since the only time the nerves in pelvic area were 'disrupted' was in that hr long op that went wrong it seems hthat was what he was saying as we had told him about that in first consultation and he has mentioned that in first GPs letter. As far as I understand CPP is quite a loose description of long standing pain in pelvic area. He had said in 1st letter to GP he thought it would be primarily the bladder (BPS) or CPP with a bladder element. This Urologist does not accept that IC/BPS can exist without Hunners ulcers in bladder. He's, in his own words in that letter, of the 'old school'. The IC Association say there are 2 types of IC-classicalIC (ulcerative) and nonclassical (nonulcerative). They say less than 10% have classical. So you see I'm not at all convinced that this Urologist is right at all. Though I do know my pain is now bladder pain and not what I had before while bleeding. Sorry if I'm not v accurate at times. I dont think there are any definite ways to diagnose IC apart from looking at the symptoms.Hoping when I get to Pain management clinic they will know more and I can tell them. So many discrepancies in these consultants letters. Hoping your wrist nerves will settle in time.

Yes Violet Sky understand that - the illness that means it's taken out of your hands. It's no wonder minds go there when it all gets too much. Warm thoughts for knowing you need to fight back in the best ways you know.

Hello Violet Sky Glad you came in and yes do come in to talk as you wait ....
we all need a place to share.

That's true about faith, Doodle. (FODMAP says if you just eat the very tops of broccoli but I eat more green beans). Hoping you get the car back, and I really "heard" about being in a flat and the feeling of others around you. May your wrist get a wee bit better over time.

I shall try your ideas, nadateturbe. You know how it is - sometimes the fear or anxiety override it, other times I can listen to music or meditation tape.

I suspect you are right about family rather than the cancer test, I shall find out, I feel a bit crazy with levels of anxiety atm. And a trigger in a story of gaslighting triggered the time Ex came in and out of my house overnight and moved stuff around maybe looked in on me sleeping - need to be careful what I read or watch really.

Like I'm not really here. its easier for me to relate to people right here than anywhere else as I know others understand and I dont need to pretend..

btw, Sweeetpeasue I have two little cardi tops like that! Its really pretty.

When it gets really bad, I can't talk about it, and the worst part is that at one point, I wanted everything to go away. I would never leave my family on purpose but when my brain was looking for a way out I thought about getting ill and it not being my fault. Then this. I have hit the bottom so I know I have to fight my way back and I will

Love the cardigan. What colour are you knitting it in?

VioletSky I'm so sorry you are feeling so depressed and worried. As Doodle says these tests are often to rule out those things first, as is necessary but all I can say is, although concerning, the 'worst' is very rarely the case at all. Its really isolating when we've no one to talk to

Ellie Anne will you be helping look after your DGDs when they go back to school?
Many will say you shouldn’t drink to much wine and I can understand that but if it’s all you have to look forward to at the end of the day then who’s to say your shouldn’t.
It could well be that your DH has a form of autism. Not understanding others feeling or showing emotions. Difficult to know what to say if that’s the case as he won’t be able to help himself. He won’t understand why you get upset or be able to help you. Doesn’t make life easier for you but you could read up a little on autism. Might help you understand him a bit better.
Hope you get to see your little one soon.
Wyllow do you follow FODMAP for your eating? DH and I tried it when he was having problems. Do you think the broccoli might upset you?
Car is being serviced which is why I don’t have it. Hopefully get back to church soon.
I’m pleased you went to Quakers and gym without hurting your back. Might not feel like much but you made the effort.
I expect it is your family arriving soon that’s making you concerned. Wanting to spend time with them but being worried about not being able to do too much. Hopefully, they will have plans of their own and you can join in when you feel able. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself.
I Hope they have a lovely visit.
nadateturbe do you worry about being in your own when your DH is visiting his daughter? I feel happier having moved into a flat and knowing my neighbours are close at hand.
Yes I do watch services online. I have a link to the Church of England Sunday services and watch them on YouTube. I found today’s particularly helpful so may go back and watch bits again.
Nerve pain in my wrist isn’t so bad now. I don’t take any pain killers. Sometimes it aches a lot and the whole of the part of my hand around my thumb and index finger is totally numb most of the time then pins and needles the rest. I think I just have to wait for the nerves to grow and heal themselves.
HVDY isn’t 15 a bit young to be left in charge of 2 younger siblings? Glad the girls are with you and the other girl has a friend round. I’m sure the girls enjoy being with you. Mine always thought it was a treat to come here.
Your brother sounds like one of those people who feels entitled to have everyone else pandering to him. I can fully understand you not wanting to get involved in rush hour traffic. You’d think he would be grateful that you’d take him at all,
Sweetpeasue so if the urologist who said CPP is the same one who now said nerve damage then I suppose that means he’s changed his mind. Hopefully, when you get to the pain clinic they will understand about nerve pain and be able to help you.
Well what a wonderful encounter you had on your walk. I’m sure it was meant to be. Im a great believer in things sometimes happening that are meant to help us. Someone who has experienced similar things and could relate to you. What’s the chances of a strange encounter like that. Plus the magic of the skies. Perhaps it was meant to help you both.
Sometimes I feel closer to God than others. Who’s to say what lies beyond. Faith is difficult to hold onto at times.
nanny can’t remember if you have faith or not but I do believe that those we have really loved are not far away. Good you have a lovely garden to enjoy. I bet thé people you work with appreciate your baking for them. Does your son like cake too?
Violetsky haven’t heard from you for ages. Hoping that was because you were doing well.
I’m sorry about the news from the Gp. Just remember that being tested for cancer is a routine thing that happens often. Doesn’t always mean there is something to worry about, more a case of ruling things out. Do you have an appointment yet?
You are more than welcome here. Please let us know how you’re getting on. Do you have anyone you can confide in or go to the hospital with?

Wyllow3 you made it to Quakers and the gym. That's good. I don't think you realise how well you do. you are strong.
It's difficult not to worry about tests, and the outcomes. When I'm worried about a particular health problem I just pray for strength to cope. And listen to music that will help calm me. I have a playlist of comforting music. Doesn't always work, of course, we are only human.
I can't advise about all your anxieties from the past. I'm not qualified, but I do sympathise.
Your family aren't coming for 12 days. I have used this strategy for worry about flying. I tell myself I am going to worry about it in the airport on the day. and then I mentally put it aside. Sorry if it sounds stupid but it mostly works for me. Can you not cut down those 12 days of anxiety?
I know you don't meditate, but just ten minutes might help you to be a bit less anxious about the visitors.
And remember you are not alone. Ps 23

OOH, sticky toffee pudding! what a treatv HVDY.
The cardi is lovely Sweetpeasue. You are very talented!
I am so glad your husband was able to talk to the lady. i hope you aren't in too much pain today.

Ellieanne I understand what you say about if this is all there is to life.... and life is just trials. God will not leave you on your own to cope. I do think though that you are feeling very depressed and that ADs might help.

Ellieanne i wouldn't take it to heart about your daughter not visiting. As someone said, she may have been tied up with work. but even so, our children lead busy lives, much more than we did, and I'm afraid we are not their priority. they often live further away too from their parents than we did. different world. Doesn't mean they don't love us. Difficult to always remember this. I often feel neglected, and have to remind myself. I think if we felt well and were busier in our own lives, it wouldn't bother us so much.
People with AS can be difficult to live with. I read years ago, you either come to terms with it and learn to cope, because you can't change them, or you leave. It can be stressful. But it does explain behaviour that is odd, and it's not their fault.
Your diet today sounds delicious

HVDY I made a dinner! My husband usually cooks, I find it much easier to clear up after.
Last night's dinner was 3 fish fingers, a slice of bread and mayonnaise, tinned peaches and yoghurt. Lunch , a slice of toast and cheese. Same the day before. I like baking when I have the energy, not so keen on cooking.
Walked to post a letter to the consutant for more info. ("Oh no, not this lady again!")
tired but ok.
I too, would not travel at rush hour, a definite no. No need to feel bad. The taxi isn't expensive.

Hi all, I've stayed away for a while

I've been going through a lot, fighting depression because of other things and other people, not anything to do with me.

And I haven't been talking about it

Just when I thought I had everything and everyone at least going along ok, I went to the doctor for a small issue and now I am suddenly needing to be tested for cancer.

I haven't told anyone, I just can't handle it. I haven't recovered from everything else and I am run down, anaemic, exhausted.

I just wanted to say it somewhere or just have a place to be where I can talk about it if I need too

Feeling very bleak, but very much wanted to come in. I went to Quakers and *was lifted up a bit at the time*: I also went onto the gym and did a little bit and didn't twig my back, but they haven't had an impact on my mood when I wrote earlier and now tho feel I can speak.

so I understand how you feel Ellie Anne about it just going on: I will share one thing with you which is I recalled in the meeting a chaplain when I was in hospital (operation not MH) talking to me about first reading Psalm 22 and then onto Psalm 23, and that did mean something to me, which is that there is good and love and Love in the world, but not always there for us when needed. I'm sorry to hear about tomorrow.

At the end the Taise song you alluded to went through my mind nadeteturbe: it includes, fear not: this too will pass: patience. Hope DH is back soon.

Nanny my heart went out to you when you described looking out at the garden. You dont know my circs too well but for various reasons it's the same for me in certain ways, what was loved, what was lost, and its powerful reminders.

Sweetpeasue I sometimes think that encounters as powerful as yesterday can only happen when it's a stranger, and perhaps, not to be repeated. A wonderful encounter sharing suffering, we are not alone.

HVDY: it's a tough one with your brother. I think its both right to help him out, (especially until he gets used to finding his way to the right ward and say be dropped off at the right point on the hospital site)....
....but also to draw boundaries, because what lies ahead is uncertain, and he may wish for you to "sort out" a lot you may feel is too much both for you and your current family commitments, for SiL in the future - and only you and your DH can work that out how much is too much.

Ica not work out f my current state where I am anxious to the point of fear gripping my throat os Thursday’s endoscopy (not the procedure, but wanting a result that will help)

Or is it fact that my family appear fairly locally in 12 days or so and I feel overwhelmed by not being able to be any kind of gran that I’d like to be, afraid they will see the depressiveness (I cant hide them for too long) and also I’m lacking so much confidence about even driving to where they are atm, (I think the car breaking down didnt help although its back on the road properly.doing stuff like that on my own, it took a mountain of effort to get to the familiar local Quakers and then the gym.

Probably, both.

Oh how we must all wish for someone to come along to “make things all right” in these fears and losses!

Lovely cardigan, SweetpeaSue. I think a basque would look good with that .

SweetpeaSue Cardi . You could wear it with something from Ann Summers . My brother is so self-centred, no commonsense. I get angry just thinking about him. SIL is fine, thanks. She's being looked after and has got a view from her bed on the ward. I hope you do somehow see that nice lady again.

HVDY Forgot pic.

Wyllow Thinking of you and hoping you're ok.
Nadateturbe You're right of course about concentration. We need to try koko, as * Wyllow* says though can be difficult if heads are foggy. I won't try to see lady again but hope we do meet, which could be likely if she goes there to clear her head, as I feel concern for her and DH. I think we both benefited from shared experiences, and know my own DH did and hadnt realised how much he's been affected until he talked to her.
HVDY Hope you get photo of cardi. As you can see not really kinky-though I guess depends what you wear it with. 😂
Oh 5-30 is silly time isnt it with the traffic build up. Dear, you must have to bite your lip a lot. Hoping SIL is recovering ok.
EllieAnne I honestly believe you are right. We never go there so late and it looked so much like rain we felt stupid setting off. Yes it did help us both. Oh I'm sorry you wont see your DIL and GC tomorrow. Might she visit another day? That was a very honest open prayer and I so hate that you feel so bad in your life and I would too in your circumstances. You will feel worse and worse about your eating because it makes us feel miserable when we fail at what we so much want to do. The banana was good. Tomorrow is another day but try not to be so hard on yourself. I think we can punish ourselves, be it food or other ways, when we feel wretched about ourselves. I think it's comfort eating which is v understandable. Take care.

EllieAnne I wish there was a way you could either get your own place, or find some way to live with your husband in a more pleasant way. Sounds similar to my brother and his wife (I hope she doesn't go back home but goes into care). You haven't eaten much at all - I've eaten too much - I had cornflakes and a banana, then a roast turkey lunch (which I didn't finish or enjoy), sticky toffee pudding, and a pear. That's it for today.

Sweet pea sue I think that meeting was meant to happen. It helped you both. Maybe you will see her again but if not some good has come from it.
I’ve not had a good weekend. Was hoping I might see d in l and the wee one tomorrow but that’s not going to happen.
I said to God this morning (I know we are not all believers)
That if this is my ,life till I die I can’t handle it.
Nadateturbe some people have said dh has Asperger’s traits. My d in l s sister has Asperger’s and other problems and the first time she met him she said he had it.
I don’t know if it’s true but he doesn’t relate well to others unless there is a common subject like golf .
Anyway I m rambling.
Willow I wish I could help but am thinking of you.
I’ve only eaten rubbish today. Won’t help my weight.
Toast, mint aero, cornetto and a banana.
Oh well can try again tomorrow.

nadateturbe Thank you. How are you today? Have you been out? It's rained on and off a lot here today but then brightened up.

Wyllow3 Thinking of you and hope you're ok.

SweetpeaSue That lady was right in what she said about accepting things and living for the moment. Easier said than done a lot of the time, though, isn't it? When I read about you buying some wool, I though at first you'd said "kinky cardi". My new glasses will be here in a few days - my eyesight must be worse than I realised!

Doodle, EllieAnne, Whiff, Candy6, ScaredyCat and others - hope you're all ok.

My brother's asked me to take him to see his wife on Wed. (he's going tomorrow though) He lives 3 miles from the hospital, I live 13 miles away - He wants to go at 5.30pm. I've said I can take him at any time during the day (visiting starts at 11am) but am not prepared to get stuck in "work" traffic at teatime. He's not happy . He could get a taxi there for about £6 but won't. Sorry for another rant, he drives me to it x

Sweetpeasue sometimes I force myself to concentrate, in case I lose the ability. My mum stopped reading when she was older. I felt sad about that, as she loved reading.
i wonder would you think of trying to meet that lady again. in any case, I hope she has been of some little help.
Wyllow sending big hugs and prayers. Perhaps write down how you are feeling.xxx

HVDY No we didnt exchange nos. Poor lady looked quite ill, did have health isues and her DH was still in v bad way and having to make extreme decisions on futher operations. By comparison I'm v lucky. There was a big transformation in her visually after our talking, we both noticed.
Hope you had a nice lunch out. Your GD's must love to come to you HVDY.
Nadateturbe How are you today?
Thankyou for your prayers. The meeting on the beach was extraordinary. She had also worked as a Therapist and her and her DH were almost our ages.
Wyllow Oh I hope your spirits have lifted a little or will do so soon. I wish I knew what to say to help, though I know words don't always have power to help. Might you be having a Quaker zoom meeting today? Hugs for you and thinking of you.

Had wander around shops. Have got some wool to knit chunky cardi though whether I'm up to it to concentrate I dont know. V simple pattern and I'm not expecting result to be flattering. I'm grateful for yesterday's encounter and its helped. Just want my brain to change my bleakness.

Hoping all having a decent day.

Love to all but finding to hard to feel real and speak atm.