Black Dog 18

Nanny it must be very hard for you, so very sad, thinking of you.x
Thinking of your son. My husband (who I am sure has Asperger traits) loves a list for jobs. He does much more and enjoys ticking them off.

Sweetpeasue I had goosebumps reading your last post. how extraordinary. You don't usually go out that late. I don't believe it was just coincidence. (I know some will disagree).
It was what you needed to hear. I know you need relief from the awful pain you are enduring, but you need to be able to find some kind of acceptance, some peace of mind, hard as that is. And I know it's easy for me to say that. And I do pray hard that you get some proper help.
Doodle you mentoned nerve pain in your wrist. Just wondering how you treat it.
Enjoy your lunch HVDY.
Wyllow3 I hope you manage to get out for a nice drive today.

SweetpeaSue What a surreal experience. Glad you found someone who properly understands what you've been through regarding hospital errors. Did you exchange phone numbers or anything? Hope you bump into her again some time.

The girls have just gone - their mum picked them up. Their mum told them they were going to go out, so they chose to go home. Then she's said they were going to stay in because of the rain. Just DH and me for a pub lunch later then . Hope ALL BDers have a better day today. x

Nanny2507 Ive never baked a Rhubarb sponge before , and Ive a few sticks of rhubarb in a bit of soil at side of house (it is mostly in shade). Not much else grows there. Whoever eats your cake, at work, is lucky indeed.

Nanny I'm so pleased your garden looks so lovely, but so v sad your husband isn't here to enjoy that with you. You must ache just to want to share that. I just want you to know I'm thinking of you and will be , every time I wake tonight. x

Glad it happened, Sweetpeasue.

sweatpea lemon drizzle is my favourite cake. I made my first one a couple of weeks ago for work. It tasted delicious. I'm such a bad cook but it was perfect. I'm going to make a rhubarb sponge tomorrow I think. Funny isn't it..I cant cook food to eat but I'm looking forward to making another cake for work.

Good evening all. Hope you are all well. I had a busy morning. Tidied the garden made my son take loads of junk to the tip and swept up. Sheets dried lovely on the line....Sat looking at the garden and a wave of sadness hit me. The garden is looking lovely and DH would have loved it.

Hugs indeed Wyllow3. Husband being away has made me realise what it is like for many others all the time.
HVDY I take as few painkillers as possible. Because of having CFS/M.E. painkillers make me even more tired, foggy. I'm lucky as I rarely get strong pain, like some of you. It's not great atm. Thankfully I love reading. But it's lonely at times.
HVDY I think you are such a thoughtful caring family person.

What a shame you can't get to church Doodle.
Perhaps you can watch online. I do that.
I love Oh Lord Hear my prayer. The video is lovely too. Beautiful nature.

Sorry if cant address all as well as I'd wish.
Wyllow Hope you're ducking!
Enough for all.
Depression v tiring and affects physical too I think-which could exacerbate your CFS. I believe you're right about both in a way yes, we need to make some effort, not move away from others but also realise others cant make everything alright for us.
HVDY Agree with Doodle.You are not being awkward. I dont want to mix with people either but it wasnt so bad this morning in supermarket as had to look out for aunt which pulled me out of my self-consciousness. I feel that awkwardness with son's ex partner (DGs mum) and understand. Have good weekend with the girls.
DoodleThe Urologist who was akward when we first met him(2nd 1) and did the distention. He's doesnt believe in IC withkut Hunners Ulcers, whereas many Urologist, certainly Interstitial Cystitis Association, does.
No matter really, as when I go to pain clinic and see Dr that deals with Chronic Pelvic Pain I can tell her my thoughts. Urologist already had mind made up when we set foot in consultation room, as only there 10 mins. I try to keep open mind. Could be IC but pelvic nerves have made it worse, so element of both. Think its going to be 1 of those things that may be difficult to diagnose. Sorry, Urologist is same one that said both CPP and to do with nerves.
EllieAnne How lovely that your walk takes in woods too as well as beach. I have felt like any faith in anysort of afterlife has fallen away but when I looked at the clouds over the sea and beach today something happened. I so feel for your situation. Enjoy your glass or two of wine and I hope it helps you sleep.

We never go out lateish as we did tonight for beach walk. Clouds were black at one side, sunny on other, we'd had tea and we decided somehow, wed go for walk. Neither of us were too bothered. As we walked along the sky was incredible, 7-30pm and clouds moody with sun beams breaking through, sea silvery metal. I said to DH it defies logic but when I see that I can almost believe I'll see my mum (she died) again. I had my stick and we walked for 15 mins then turned back. Sky dramatic and fairly dark. We got to opening in sand dunes to path leading back up and there was a lady, my age, in pink that wed passed earlier. Dont know how shed appeared back there but our eyes met and before she passed she mentioned the sky. We agreed and before we knew it we were all in deep conversation. Shed said 'this' (nature) is so therapeutic. What passed was incredible to me. Her DH had collapsed with heart attack and had op where scalpel had slipped causing damage. Because of what followed(Drs mistakes and bad stuff) she also had been ill. MH stuff too. Both of them had bad health. She was walking alone as her DH wasnt well enough to be with her with still many things going on and other ops. This wasnt a complaining lady. We briefly told her some of our story. She told us we (herself too) needed to try and accept things as they are, right now, and live for now. She wanted to be the person who could still ride and do other things but she was recognising, almost at the same time she was talking, that this was what she had to do. My DH never talks much to anyone but talked to this lady. It was extraordinary. We never go out that late.
Sorry, but something was v strange about tonight. She said other things which I cant say but, anyway. Finally I met someone who knew what I/we felt.

Hope everyone has a restful night. Thinking of *Nadateturbe CandyWhiff and *Scaredycat *Nanny x

Hugs for the lonely and exhausted tonight, nadateturbe and all - yes isn't good whole days alone at a time -xx

HVDY well you have done your best with the girls! Hard to suit them both. Super gran and SiL you have a lot on with your family atm x

Doodle SIL would be better off in a home, and brother is accepting of the idea, although he'll be lonely, then no doubt will want to plonk himself at our house every so often. The GDs's older sister (15) was meant to have been in charge of our 2 whilst mum went out but didn't want to do so, so she's at home, with a friend for company until mum returns - mum is very unpredictable/volatile when she's been drinking, so I'm glad GDs are here anyway. Godzilla was chosen by them but they got bored, so then they selected Beauty and the Beast, the younger one got bored. They've both gone upstairs now (not asleep) Hope you and your husband are ok.

Ellie Anne Have you tried counselling? You could self-refer, online. Many people find it helpful to talk to someone, and it can be done on the 'phone or a Zoom chat. I've been on ADs for many years (this particular one for about 5yrs). I do feel flat most of the time, but that's preferable to that horrible sadness and despair I felt before.

nadateturbe Do you take something for the pain? I hope you manage ok on your own for a couple of days, until your husband gets back.

Candy, Whiff, Nanny and others on BD - hope you all have a good sleep x

Reading and thinking of you all and remembering you still in my prayers each night.
Wyllow3 my husband is away two nights and I find it difficult. Made me think of you and coping not only with CFS but also MH. Maybe McCarthy and Stone isn't a bad idea.
I wish I could write more but lack of energy and muscle pain prevents me typing for long.
So absolutely fed up.
I'm so glad husband is enjoying weekend with his daughter. He doesn't get much company from me, but he's so good.
We have to keep hoping for better days/times and enjoying the things we can do. Like baking a lemon cake, walk in the woods or beach, a swim.
Scaredycat excited for you visiting your sister your "happy place" how lovely. You must be very close.
Sweetpeasue big hugs. I feel for you. Glad you felt a little better today for a while.
Hopefully back tomorrow.
Hello to Doodle EllieAnne Nanny HVDY Candy and any others reading. xx

Yes Doodle have HWB and massage my tum a bit. My meals are very small so I make sure all I eat is good stuff, like tonight small plate salmon and rice and broccoli then blueberries, or Ill have eggs or vegan cheese)(meat no good), foo lactose or gluten's helped a bit
.. Main pain is pain like indigestion like I've eaten a huge lump of something then cramps when I need laxatives,
But I'll know on Thursday hopefully why it's so sore be glad to get the information.

I'm sorry you haven't got the car for church tomorrow, is DH using it or it it off the road? Sad to miss friends at the church.

Do you have you down space and TV Ellie Anne? I watch a lot of TV glad it's there atm. You do well to start the wine at 9!!. I won't let myself have any before 7 and sip.

Hvdy i have been on ad in the past but they made me feel so flat. ,I spoke to the dr and she reeled off the ones I’d tried and said it was up to me if Came off them or not. Didn’t offer any other help. So I took myself off them.
Doodle I don’t see much of my gds in the holidays because their mum is off. They go back to school next week.
It takes 15 -20 mins to walk from the beach to the woods. I know I’m fortunate being near both.
Nearly time for my 🍷. The bottles aren’t lasting as long these days.

Sweetpeasue is your pain clinic appointment still in November? Which of the Urologists said it was nerve pain the one you got on with or the one who said you had chronic pelvis pain.
Hope you get your appointment with your GP next week. If you do start meds and they cause you problems with side effects, you could try taking half a day or every other day and build up gradually. Sometimes new meds take some getting used to.
Glad you had a better day. I’m sure your son will appreciate the cake.
Wyllow I was thinking of you this morning when I woke up. I was worried about something and it made me feel anxious and out of sorts. I was thinking of you waking up like that so many days. Not a nice feeling.
Eating small amounts can help with tummy pain. Have you tried a warm hot water bottle? That could help too.
Hope you have a better day today.
HvDY your SIL could be better in a home where she might have more in the way of stimulation by being with others. They also do lots of craft things and singing too which many with Alzheimer’s enjoy. How would your brother feel about that?
Hope all your family enjoy their breaks and the weather improves for them.
Not much washing to do just for a few days but will do the ironing tomorrow I expect.
Good thing you’re around to look after your DGDs. What happens to the older one if mum decides to take herself out for the night? Hope they sleep ok but I’m sure the girls will have fun staying with you.
No you’re not being unreasonable. If you said you couldn’t go Monday why would your brother suggest visiting that day. He’s just being awkward.
With my DGC it was always the Jurassic Park films we watched 🤣
Ellie Anne I wouldn’t call 10 000 steps being lazy. Nice day for a walk though. Beach and woods, does that mean the two are close together?
Are you not seeing the girls as it’s school holidays? Does their mum look after them then? You could ask if they’d like a trip out to the park or something.
Hope church goes well tomorrow. I can’t go this week as I haven’t got the car and it’s too far for me to walk.

Hi Ellie Anne good for you re the walks.

"I feel lonely but don’t really want to mix with people.". Me too**.......I think sometimes one has to fight it but sometimes "go with it" as it's a strain - come in here instead like we all do at times and "*Be heard and be here*"

MH helpers generally say, "make the effort" and sometimes thats right and sometimes I think no, other people can't "make it all right" I have to develop ways of being Weller in my own heart?

**tho its sheer tiredness for me at times -

but I think being depressed is very tiring generally

Wyllow3 Keep doing whatever you need to do, to feel ok.

SweetpeaSue Lemon drizzle cake - lovely. It'll be nice for you to see your son. Best not to think too much, if possible.

EllieAnne Your walk sounds very scenic. I envy you that. You certainly aren't lazy, if you've done that.

I feel lonely but don’t really want to mix with people is a classic sign of depression. I've forgotten, but I don't think you're on ADs, are you? If not, then perhaps you could consider them?

The GDs came at 4.15 (their mum brought them - things are forced between us and her but we're civil only for the children. We hadn't seen her for well over a year). DH made dinner, they're having ice creams, then we'll watch a film of their choice (Possibly Godzilla ). I offered to take brother to see SIL any time he wants, apart from Monday. He said ok, tomorrow - then changed his mind and asked for Monday. Said no to that (AIBU?) so he's sulked then asked his son. Hope ALL BDers have a pleasant evening x

Very long day. Walked this morning and did my10000 steps. Mixture of beach and woods. But been very lazy this afternoon. I should have done some baking too but was too lazy.
Enjoy your visitors Hvdy. I’ve not seen my girls for a while.
I wish I could pull myself out of the way I’m feeling.
I feel lonely but don’t really want to mix with people. I have to go to church tomorrow as I’m taking people.
I want to see my family but I can’t cope with tension and anyway they are all too busy.

Yes please to Lemon Drizzle Sweetpeasue if you trebuchet some over any spare... Tum OK today (it has varied tricks!). Echoing "keeping things at bay."

HVDY Weatherwise v changable here too but still summery warm. Hope your GDs have a good sleepover and DH doesnt have a snoring bout tonight.
Wyllow Hope you've caught up on some rest. Also that your tummy has settled a bit . Is the gastric pain colicky or churning?

Ive not been too bad today. Took aunt out shopping again which she enjoyed and kept me on the alert. Made another Lemon Drizzle just to stop me thinking. Probs give it to son and partner Mon as he'll be home again now. Just dont want to 'think'.
Hoping everyone is ok.

Not going out day, just about OK, needed rest.

I hope it goes smoothly with your family guests tonight, HVDY.

How's everyone doing? The weather's a bit all over the place, but I've still managed to dry a lot of washing. Eldest GD (12) messaged me, asking if she and her sister (8yrs) can stay here tonight, as mum is off (out with her new toyboy) and dad is out too. We've got one spare bed, a single, so they'll have to make do with that. Just been cleaning up - didn't realise how scruffy that room was . It's where DH goes when his snoring is too much. Hope everyone's ok x

Wyllow3 My brother could have done SO much more to have made her life better. They now sleep in the dining room (he's scared she'll fall down the stairs), so she's limited to 2 rooms at home. I've told him I think she's got no quality of life at home (he took offence, hard luck). SIL has always been sociable (brother most definitely has never been).

I hope DH and I will do some things - although he's very content to sit and watch tv/do crosswords/look at Facebook. I'll think of places to go.

Good idea about rubbing your tum. Would a hot water bottle help? Eat little but often?

Just going to sort out Foxy's dinner - "see" all BDers tomorrow x

I'm glad you said it HVDY " I hope she'll go into a home, as she really would be better off somewhere"

As that's what I thought but didn't like to say it. She clearly responds well to being around people.

My first MiL had had lifetime MH stuff and well her husband wasn't a good person to be around and we all thought it was ironically the best time in her life for years - being looked after, not having to take care of anyone or. house.

I hope Son 2 and DiL get along well together away - big thing for them - well time for you young fogeys (you are younger than me do a few nice things together.

I'm still getting quite a bit of gastric pain but have worked out in the evening if I sit and gently massage tum it eases it - it still hurts when I eat more than a tiny bit.

Wyllow3 I misunderstood, too - glad you managed to see your ex, as I know you get on well with him. Being alone must be difficult. SIL likes the attention (always has done, even before the Alzheimer's, in fact she was known for exaggerating any illness/symptoms), and of course, she's seeing lots of people milling about, which she doesn't get at home. She gets NO mental stimulation of any kind at home with my brother.

Doodle Did you have a nice time away? You've got washing to do, no doubt. How's your DH? SIL is, I believe, in the middle stages of Alzheimer's now, and has deteriorated just in the last few months.

SweetpeaSue My SIL's short-term memory is a few minutes (long-term is quite good). She'll probably go somewhere for rehab. I hope she'll go into a home, as she really would be better off somewhere. I hope you get an appointment with the pain clinic really soon. I think ADs will help you, too. Hope you manage to have a pain-free night.

Son2, DIL and baby are going away tomorrow, for a week. Son1 and girls are possibly going away next Monday, for 4 nights or so. It'll be just us 2 old fogeys then . Hope everyone has a restful night x