Black Dog 18

Doodle Hope you can both manage to have a relaxing weekend to recover from your break!
Got my Oramorph last eeek grom nurse practitioner. Didnt get to see my Dr today as theyd booked us with wrong one. Last time was given ADs around 6yr ago I had to stop after 3 dys as they made me feel so ill, extreme agitation, racing heart. Couldnt remember what type of SSRI s they were so was going to ask Dr to check back in records amongst other stuff. He's on next Mon so will try yet again.

Very anxious, like choked up, and crawling skin, but that not unusual. Too much inner conflict - wish so much had someone to talk over ordinary things with -too much time alone x

I'd say that Ex gets support from me too actually which is nice, but not so much chance for that today which I really regret. I have to be very aware tho not to cross boundaries given that he is with someone else, but stuff about the past we lived through together and his childhood and out children is OK. His partner still is in touch with her Ex tho ..its unusual.

How's yourself and Mr D, Doodle??

Wyllow Not to worry-understood.
Yes you'll have to be careful and take it easy tomorrow. I'm sure your son and DIL will be understanding about your CFS Wyllow but I can see why your worried. It must be so frustrating and you will want to make the v best of them staying close by.
HVDY Its good your SIL seems to be comfortable in hospital. Its nice of you to take her the fruit ect. She will enjoy them even if she may forget who brought them. Just hope she doesn't need to stay thete too long. I know the average hospital isn't really the best for Dementia patients for longer legths of time.
Ive had bladder pain again this morning which was hung around after Oramorph wore off. I still think its IC /BPS . I realise after Urologists letter to Dr after my first consultation before op, that he got it wrong. Hed said Id had Chronic Pelvic Pain Syndrome for many yrs. No I didnt. I had Bladder Pain. He doesn't think Ibe IC because no ulcers in bladder lining. American IC Association believe vast majority of patients with IC dont have the Hunners Ulcers. Many other Urologists believe the same. But this one said in letter 'I' m of the old school ' and cut me off in 1st appt with him, when he upset me with his curt attitude(if you remember). Anyway I' m too tired to be bothered with what he thinks. I know hes out of line with current thinking. I think he said he was writing to Pain clinic so thats a good thing. I can tell them there what I believe it is. But I'm too depressed to think of further problems.

Wyllow so pleased you saw your Ex. I Hope he was able to offer some support. How are you feeling tonight?

Surprising how tired you can be just going away for a few days.
Sweetpeasue glad you will have a chance to discuss things with the psychiatrist next week. Hopefully they can fin an AD that will work for you. Did you get your Oromorph script?
Hope you managed to see your chosen GP. Good the assistant manager is nice. Good contact for the future perhaps.
nanny so sorry. I know you love your animals. I Hope your cat is ok. Which one is it?
Wyllow no need to send big posts if you’re struggling. Just hope you are ok and managed to meet up with your good Ex.
HVDY your poor SIL sounds very confused and not surprising considering the changes she’s been through. Good she seems ok though and calm not anxious.

Good to hear Sweetpeasue!

Gosh - sorry to give wrong impression. I DID see Ex1 but it was shadowed by the three other things I had to do today an appointment, getting food basics in, and getting my meds.

As I was exhausted it meant the seeing Ex got all shadowed by the how can I possibly cope with the lot which I had no choice about afterwards.
But could have planned ahead better, it was quite self destructive. Sort of thing without CFS and current self doubt would have done "normally". And likely to mean tomorrow is write off. So did get some things out of it, tho worried ~I said too much MH wise (as ever!) I did want to out him in the picture tho s my family appear in my area in 2 weeks today and I', worried sick cant cope til them and how on earth can I realistically spend time with them when my coping energy is maybe 2.5 hours? and he could help with that.

HVDYglad to hear of SiL visit.

It is sad.

What a relief she is calm and accepting treatment.
Do you think, "being looked after" is actually helping her, strange tho it might seem in a hospital?

SweetpeaSue Glad you got the call. Hope all ok now. How do you feel today?

Wyllow3 Can you manage to meet your ex1 another day?

How have other BDers been today?

I visited SIL, took her some fruits, toiletries and fruit juice (my brother hadn't taken anything useful yesterday - hairbrush, specs, toiletries) she's ok, hasn't yet been out of bed. She's got a scar about 1.5in on her thigh (it was a fractured head of femur), which looks very neat. She's calm, perfectly ok but now does this thing of remebering a word/phrase someone has mentioned then using it in a different context/conversation, which is what people with Alzheimer's often do. She said she thought she'd been "in the papers" and that "someone in A&E painted my nails". Sad, but she's completely unaware. x

Wyllow DH had call back. Assistant man v nice. Stuff sorted.
Sorry that you couldn't get to see your first ex. That's a right bummer as I know how you appreciate his take on things. I care. Sending gentle warm hug. X

Hope the call comes soon, Sweetpeasue.

Too tired to report in - not good - had to do 4 things out and about when the one (the one I wanted to do) would have been just OK - it was seeing first Ex who I can be with just about atm.

Feeling so stressed. Husband rang this morning for joint appt with 'our' GP, the one he was told last Fri I would see and practice nurse rang me instead? Was told we'd joint appt today with 'our' named GP. Went for it and called in by different GP. Didnt see him and spoke to head receptiknis who said he didnt name GP this morning! He did, I heard him. Hes now waiting for assistant practice manager to call back. He's waited a long time. He's stressed too.
So tired of everything.

Hoping you're all ok.

Doodle So nice of you to look in on us all. Hope you had a good rest last night.

Nanny Hope all went well with the cat. Do let us know.

The psychiatrist will know the interactions Sweetpeasue hang on in there.

nanny hope the results are Ok.

how I drove past QMC today. I had to take one of the cats to pride vets in Derby. As referred by our own vets. Just waiting on results for her now.

Thankyou so much HVDY Wyllow Doodle
Psychiatrist next Wednesday in call. Think thete may be concern over what AD as I'm taking Amitriptyline on night. Believe they could be unsure as SSRI could b prob with that. MH nurse week after that.
Thankyou all. X

Really tired after unpacking. Just quick read through and a quick post.
HVDY so sorry about your trip being cancelled. Such a shame. Sorry your brother fell. Hope he’s ok.
Scareycat so nice to see your sisters home is a happy place for you.
Sweetpeasue just had to come in and say of course you should post if you’re up to it. You can tell it how it is you don’t have to sugar coat things here. You’re right we would worry if we don’t hear from you.
Hope your DH can be firm enough to get your appointment tomorrow. Good thing the young girl is reporting back to the team. Hope you get some peace tonight. Sending hugs.
Wyllow you are such a help to all on this thread, You give good advice and are caring. So good to have you with us.

Doodle nice to see you in.

I'm just so glad Sweetpeasue you've come in and told your story. I understood every word xx including young trainee being nice but not right for you atm but its good she is part of a team,

yes you need the CPN at the moment. It is horrible and bewildering and seem like no way out and all your emotions make sense and the staying in bed and crying on the stairs. Its best for you and DH to go through this together as he needs to travel this with you - he doesnt need to hear it all, but he does need to be involved in whats going on and GP stuff.

" If Id been more assertive would they have told me? Would things be different? "

That, we can never know: except to say, don't beat yourself up for not being more assertive. (and I personally also doubt it)

Please ask for anti-depressants, after all, what have you to lose? It has to be worth a try?(do you have an appointment with psychiatrist btw?)

I think you are right HVDY he's very selfish but its time to help out.

Quakers were Ok - I think I said the right things but not too much. Too tired to squeak much just hoping for a more peaceful night in my head.

HVDY So sorry about your SIL. You have cared for her by taking her to day centre for a while now. Such a shame this fall happened so quickly after being in the care home. I'm sure you did your best in advising your brother with directions. These main large hospitals can be difficult to navigate around vast corridors but going through wrong entrance makes it sometimes impossible. Take care. X

Hi all. Just got home. It’s late and things to sort our so back tomorrow for a proper catch up.
Take care all x

Wyllow3 Hope the Quakers meeting went well.

ScaredyCat SIL is doing ok, thanks. My brother visited today, I'll go tomorrow. Hope you have a lovely time with your sister.

SweetpeaSue You're having a horrible time. We all care and worry about you. Yes, I believe doctors all close ranks and cover for each other, definitely. There's no point in trying to fight against them. I hope your husband manages to book an appointment. You (and he) need it. Best wishes. x

Brother rang me earlier - his son took him to hospital (QMC, huge place) but didn't wait as there was nowhere to park. Brother went in the wrong entrance (despite me telling him where to go), ended up a long way from where he needed to be (hospital is in 4 mains parts - North, East, South and West), had to walk a long way, fell over - 2 men had to get him up. SIL getting on ok, hasn't been out of bed yet but perhaps that will be tomorrow. I actually felt sorry for him today, so will take him whenever he wants to go again.

Hope ALL BDers have a relaxing evening - especially thinking of you, SweetpeaSue x

PS. I care so much for you all. I should have said this. X

Tried twice posting yesterday and deleted for so many reasons. You all have own problems. I dont want to leave anyone out. I genuinely cant think straight.
ScaredycatHope you have a lovely visit with your dear sister. Youve waited so long.
HVDY Such a shame balloon ride cancelled yet again. Do hope your next trip will be successful regarding winds.
Wyllow Thank goodness you have car back. Deeply sorry about the awful dark times you're having. 'How much to say' My biggest problem. You are so eloquent and I'm sure fellow friend Quakers will be just glad you are there.
Nadateturbe I can't bear spiders. Cant get close enough to remove them, even with a sider catcher thing son gave me.
Doodle Really hope the wind settled a bit for your seaside visit. Coasts are always extra windy. Can't see prev page on phone but seem to remember you mentioned Oramorph. On bottle always said 2n half mls 4 times daily or when needed for pain(not exceeding daily dosage) Had to ne a teaspoon (5mls) since started taking it as half was useless. Drs understand this. Since I usually only take a teaspoon once a day for pain and /rarely twice a day, I'm taking much less than prescribed so think nurse practitioner worked that out at time and I got it.

Been in bed most of last 2 dys. Can't bear existence. I woke yesterday morning and got to stairs and sat halfway down and burst into gutwrenching sobbing which didnt stop for a long time scaring DH--never been in such a state. Strangling Pain inside.

Saw OT and trainee 'psychologist' Tuesd. Told whole med story which exhausting. Nice people. Didnt want OT though, at time offered techniques in sessions with trainee, said yes, couldn't get out of head she was only about 19. Decide against yesterday morn when in state,DH rang MH nurse as was bad. Hes coming next Wednesday.

Girl trainee rang me t time and, bless her, she knew from team meeting Id decided against. I jad to say dont jave anxiety anyway but bad depression. She's not counsellor just offers techniques for anxiety. Pity. She's so kind. She's telling team tomorrow how my lack of s esteem been crippling all my life, shattered by Drs closing ranks and feel my fault in some way. If Id been more assertive would they have told me? Would things be different?
Can't stop crying and head is so full. Can't settle.
DH and self trying to fathom how to get past receptionist tomorrow for GP appt. He's calling, I cant face it. He's going to ask for joint appt. I think my back pain could be causing pain in both knees and want back scan. Message from surgery yesterday--my MRI on left knee(meniscus prob from 5yr ago) requested by GP been rejected.
Want to talk about ADs too, (2nd cond so pushing it)

I know this is all over the place as a post and so sorry to sound neg. I cant write properly or think what I should and shouldnt write. I know I'll regret this but its all I can manage to post. Thought I should let you know.
Do think of you all.
I dont want to make things worse for everyone. Maybe I shouldnt post but thought (if I'm not being too forward) you might worry. X

Scaredycat of course a churning tum for a big adventure, safe journey, and at last seeing sis - and thank you too for your comments.

HVDY- what a shame about the balloon trip - it’s such a lovely blue sky today. Strong winds would not be comfortable or safe for you though. Fingers crossed for the 30th. Glad you have a nice meal out arranged - hope you enjoy yourselves.
Hope your SiL is doing ok after her Op.
Wyllow- you managed your swim - must have been such an effort for you. When you have a worry such as your tests it is so hard to actually concentrate on or enjoy anything. Fear is a very disabling emotion.
I do hope you have a more peaceful night tonight- do try and eat something or you,ll feel weak .
There is a point it’s just not easy to see one at the moment but you are such a nice person and loved by friends and family.
Candy- give me a mouse any day!! It’s all those spidery legs that make me shiver.
As you say yes the thought of seeing my sister is helping to dull the churning tummy and once we are there it’s ok. My sisters home wherever she lives has always been my happy place.
We are all packed and ready for tomorrow- will try and pop in during the week and as always will think of you all.
Doodle,Whiff,Nadateturbe,EllieAnne,Nanny and all who post or maybe just read take carexx

That's a disappointment HVDY. I googled where it was, not far from Tissington with the delightful tea house. Not a good idea to put on the family list tho. Or reliable.

Hoping quaker mini meet tonight will be Ok, its always a matter of "how much to say" and being authentic but not anything too much.

Hoping other BD's OK - thinking of you Sweetpeasue and all.