Depressed and in need of advice and understanding.

Luckygirl3 I really didn't intend to belittle depression which is a cruel and disabling illness. I am sorry if I've upset you (and potentially others). I think too many people say they are depressed when frankly they are just having a bad day. Just getting out of bed is an effort for someone in the darkest place, washing and dressing an impossibility. I am aware of this and wish more people were.

I only spoke of gratitude as I know that once my daughter was well enough and more stable (with meds and ongoing counselling) it was a small thing that she could do and it did help her connect.

Some of us with no personal experience of depression do deeply love people who have survived it and are viscerally aware of the damage it does.

The OP has the energy to reach out here. That is something to recognise and be grateful for. She is now starting medication so I wish her well.

Again, apologies Lucky if I upset you. Sorry. 💐

Very true Lucky. I know too.

Daily gratitude is all very well on paper, but when in the depths of a serious depression it is all you can do to get out of bed and drag yourself to the toilet. Truly depressed people (rather than those who are simply very unhappy) cannot see the joy in anything, can only just muster the effort to eat - they can recognise the things for which they should be grateful, but they mean absolutely nothing at a feeling level.

Their only desire is to end it - the illness; and their life if that is the only way to achieve the result.

Honestly, if you have never been there you simply cannot imagine that such a state of being is even a possibility; and I see the daily gratitude stuff as yet another incarnation of the pull-yourself-together error.

I know of what I speak.

Is there someone you know who is supportive?
I exchange "gratitudes" with one of my daughters when she feels she's struggling.

I send her (by text) 3 things for which I'm grateful- it may be something as simple as a small ray of sunshine on a pretty autumn leaf, the smiling face of a child passing the house on their way back from school, the smooth clean sheet on my bed, a pleasant stroll, a dinner in the freezer so i don't need to cook, milk on the doorstep, an unexpected memory from childhood...

Sometimes I am grateful for things that are not immediately obviously happy - like not waking up in pain, not having to look after a grandchild, not feeling exhausted or not bothering to sweep the drive. I try to notice small choices I make.

This is like a gratitude diary as mentioned above. My daughter thinks it's nice to see other people's thanks as she says the more little joys you see the more you notice. She sometimes sends me long long "gratitudes" back. Whole stories of an incident on a bus, a kind shop assistant, some birds outside her window. Sometimes I get one word or very short messages...
Coffee,
Oranges,
Rain,
My sister,
Next door's cat
Getting out of bed.

I know just keeping in touch without conversation is good for her. No chat necessary. No "how are you, what are you doing today" - just simple, positive contact.

Is there someone you could do this with?

Have a think. Every small joy/happiness is gently healing and can support recovery.

I'm obviously not saying this is instead of anything. It's a little extra that not very taxing that helps her.
It also helps me to know she's still present. I love her and want her to be well. X

Hairspray It's awful when you are stuck in a depression, you need to try and break the cycle. When sad/bad thoughts pop into your mind, push them out the other side and replace them with nice one, I do this. I walk in the park with my little dog, looking at all the flowers & the trees, always stop and have a chat with someone and now that I've been walking in this park for 18mnths after my move I have some 'park' friends and we meet & sit on the same bench every day & chat, it does lift your spirits.

A walk by the sea is very therapeutic, listening to the waves of the sea, always something interesting to see. There is a saying This too shall pass and when I'm going through a bad patch, I say this to myself, and it does make you feel better.

I do avoid medication as the side effects can be worse than the illness. But if they take the edge off things for you then take them for the short term. I've only read a few of the first post so hope you get some good advice here and feel better just by getting it all out there and chat with those feeling the same.

Also, a good book before going to sleep, something light-hearted with some humour will help you get a good night's sleep.

Best of luck xx

i have been similar recently, my gp picked up on the fact it ciould be the menopause, they were right on hrt pills and gel felt a lot better after a week,could that be your case,try and be kind to yourself long bath, walk in fresh air, gardening cheers me up. good luck

Every day I practise gratitude, for the people I love, my friends and the fact that I'm still able to manage my in own home, some if my friends have made the move to flats in ready for later years, which I know is the sensible thing to do
and I should really, but in a little while. The comment Hairspray made about feeling as if you should snap out of drones soon, I identify with, been told I was very negative, it's hard being positive when you feel so low, so as this person needs me to buck up, we will have nothing to say. A visit, a chat and to actually see them instead of a phone call when you live a few miles away would have meant so much. I do know everything passes, just seems a long time when you are going through it. Had a few days when I've felt as if I was back on track, my cough has finally gone apart from the odd bout, also that tiredness when I was so exhausted, I sat with out a drink as it was too much effort to move, that's the after affect of Covid, I recognise it now. With that wearyness going the depression is slowly doing the same. Do know that telling someone to snap out if it makes you worse, you feel guilty enough and I do think generally it makes you kinder to people, no one knows what anyone's going through and you are more aware.
Hope everyone has a good day and finds a nice place to sit in the shade and think nice thoughts.

I’ve suffered from episodes of depression all my life, my GP recently gave me Sertraline, and that does seem to have lifted it. I’m very careful not to watch or read anything that makes me worried or sad, as my mood can go down very quickly. I try to find escapist things to watch on the TV.

You shouldn’t have to explain yourself to your family! Depression is an illness, with a lot of possible causes, unless any of them are qualified in caring for depressed people they should refrain from commenting! If they want too help, they could buy you some flowers, or send a card. In the end, when my mum kept telling me she ‘didn’t see what you have to be depressed about’, I told her it’s an illness that can strike anyone. I don’t think she changed her opinion that I should ‘snap out of it’ but she stopped giving me her unsolicited opinions!

The book Jaffacake mentions is very good.

I wish you well Hairspray100. You have taken brave steps by acknowledging you have an illness (for that is what depression is), and seeking help for it, including accepting medication (which will help, once it kicks in), and other means of support, including posting here.

One poster said life throws us lemons so make lemonade. To that, I would say, yes, life does sometimes throw us lemons, but there are occasions when we need help to make that lemonade - sometimes, things can seem so bleak that it’s hard to know where to turn. Depression isn’t something you can just “snap out of”, just as you can’t snap out cancer, heart disease, a broken leg, for example. A person needs help. Glib remarks are no use and are unhelpful.

I think quite a few people out there confuse depression with feeling a bit down. The two things are completely different.

So, Hairspray100, take heart from the many positive posts here, continue with the medication and any support out there. I hope it’s not too long before you have the counselling, and remember, it is an illness but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It’s just now, for you, that tunnel will seem awfully long.
It does get lighter, though, really it does.

Keep posting and take care of yourself.

Try and live in the moment. If you are shopping, meeting someone etc. you will find you maybe actually enjoying it. Otherwise you will always be thinking of the next thing, taking the immediate joy away. Just a thought. It helps me. X

It is a normal response to feel depressed if ones previously healthy husband now has a health problem I am glad you have got some medication. this is what it says on NHS website
It usually takes 4 to 6 weeks for sertraline to work fully, although you should start to feel better after 1 to 2 weeks. a useful site on the internet is Human Givens. It is worth exploring and possibly buying a book

www.hgi.org.uk/human-givens/introduction/what-are-human-givens

Ss people have advised go for a walk, eat good food, go to bed at a regular time.

It is helpful to keep a gratitude diary.

I use the Brooker's Daily Gratitude Journal but only make entries once a week or so. It £9.30 on Amazon. You can write in positive things about the weather, you grand children, your garden etc. I love looking back on mine which I have kept on an off for 3 years. This isi the blurb:-
A daily gratitude journal to harness the natural power of thankfulness, appreciation, and gratitude that directs and focuses your life to achieve anything.

Best wishes for a return to well being and good mental health

So sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I can identify with what you are experiencing. The anti depressants I was prescribed did help although I fought tooth and nail not to take them I’m glad I did in the end. I did manage to get some counselling which helped too. But in the meantime while waiting for your medication to kick in etc. I have found YouTube do some really good relaxation sessions. You may find like me it’s difficult at first to settle down and just be, but they really can help and are my go to now if I’m feeling anxious. What a pity we can’t all meet up to give support and a hug or two where needed. I hope you get the help you need and soon begin to feel better.

It’s awful when you get so low I feel as if I must be such a bore to be around and I dread sending people away because of it, so I disappear for a while and walk etc and try to get more positive before I inflict myself.

Have you thought about trying something like yoga or meditation? No need to even leave the house for a class if you don’t want to, Goldster is an online resource that started during lockdown and is streamed over Zoom. It is a subscription based programme but I believe they offer you a months trial free to see if it suits you. They have all sorts of classes, chair based, Pilates, yoga etc as well as painting, singalongs. It might be worth looking at and good luck

You could contact Mind and they may be able to direct you to your local services. I know someone who did that and is now on the waiting list to see a councillor and it's free.

Thank you all so much. This is all so very kind of you all to share your experiences as well.
I am so grateful to you all from the bottom of my heart. Xx

Lots of understanding and good advice here. My two pen'orth is, if you can, go for a short walk somewhere green every day. It won't make make you feel completely better but when you get back you'll feel better than when you set out. Keep posting on here, you will get lots of support.

I have just gone through something similar. I began suffering stress symptoms in February of this year and tried to deal with it myself for 7 weeks. However, in the end I had to go on medication. It has taken a while to get on my feet, mainly due to the response of a couple of family members. One, who I would have hoped to be especially supportive, told me bluntly that my stress was having an impact on the family and that it wasn't all about me - as if I had chosen to be ill. Thankfully, i am now on the mend, but if it hadn't been for my son cheering me on and sending messages of support every day, I don't think I would have made it.

I don't want to make the post about me but wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Is there anyone you can turn to when you feel down? It won't last forever, all things pass and one day it will be a distant memory. Take it one day at a time and try not to rush. It will all come together in the end.

Being a wife,/partner/ mother/grandparent/ carer/ housekeeper/social secretary/ gardener etc etc can be wonderful and fulfilling but too often we can be the repository of all the family issues and it becomes overwhelming. A very wise friend who I once unburdened to described it thus: one’s life is like a pot on the stove bubbling nicely away, can be like this for years. We gradually add stuff to the pot as life throws more difficulties at us , then more stuff until it boils over and we become ill. I’ve been there, I developed weird phobias, panic attacks. Medication certainly helped, there were side effects but the benefits outweighed them. Hairspray 100, if you can share the load you might feel less isolated within your family, they need to be kind to you. Good luck.

So sorry you are feeling so low at the moment Hairspray100. You have made some positive steps so far - seeing the GP, taking Sertraline and opening up to Gransnetters which is all going to help you. I started to take Sertraline last Summer, with enormous hesitation. It does help, I am no longer taking it. I hope you start to feel the darkness lift soon x

I to am on sertraline for depression and anxiety. When I was put on these i didn't want to take them, but the doctor explained I would feel better after about a week, and I did! This was about 20 years ago and I'm still taking them because of ongoing problems but have never gone back to that dark place I was in.
Good luck with your medication. X

Hairspray 100, you've had some lovely helpful replies on here! Well done for having the courage to post; I hope that you'll feel better soon. In the meantime, be kind to yourself...

This is the first time I have replied to a post but really feel for you and want to give you a big hug. I suffer from depression and have for years. I used to try to come off medication when I felt better on it. This was disastrous for me as it took a while to wear off, then I felt bad again and then it took weeks to kick in. I felt I was a failure. Eventually I realised that I was ill and needed it. No different from taking medication for a physical problem. I have mental health problems and will probably be on tablets for the rest of my life. I am happy and enjoy my life.

So sad for you,depression is awful but you will get through it,be extra kind to yourself.Maybe if you can write down how you feel at length then tear up the paper,may help.If you have a favourite hobby try to start that again.Write a list of things you would like to do & see if any are possible—— don’t think about what family have said IT IS ABOUT YOU,no one can help being depressed.Could you do a little project with family photos,make up an album of happy times,or do one for a family member or grandchild,it’s hard to focus at this time but you can do it,most people on this site are wonderfully helpful so just follow it for a while,very inspiring some days,sending hugs.