Black Dog 20

Please don't anyone feel obliged to listen. I just happened to hear this on a local C&W programme yesterday and it sums up how I feel sometimes. Those who pray might relate to it. Its a very old song by Don Williams, not someone I ever listen to.

youtu.be/STQbxj5M4pk?si=le2K7aaapHXBbYp5

ScaredyCat Your poor son. He will never get rid of those memories of what happened to your husband and your other son. It must have been terrible for you. What happened with my brother was on my dad's birthday (a couple of weeks before Xmas). My real problem, though, is this social anxiety. I worry and get palpitations, insomnia, and that horrible stomach churning when I've got to go anywhere unfamiliar, and/or where I've got to be in an enclosed room with others. A friend took me to a Buddhist place some years ago, for meditation - I couldn't cope and had to walk out. I think if I have to go next week, I'll take an extra beta blocker (I'm on them to slow down my heart rate).

nadateturbe Your lighthouse picture sounds nice. I've just bought a paint-by-numbers kit, oil paints, of a highland cow's face. It's as artistic as I can be .

EllieAnne Hope today has been better for you.

SweetpeaSue Home-baked scones - lovely. Will you have jam & cream or butter? Hope you had a bit of a rest.

Wyllow3 Hope you're still in touch with your Quaker group.

Doodle Hope that today has been a bit better for your husband. Have your family been able to visit?

Newphew had his operation ok, is now on a recovery ward. Unsure how long he'll be in hospital. DH &I are just about to have dinner - Son2 called round with Chubby Chops at 5.45, and stayed until 7.30 (he didn't want to stay for dinner - cottage pie). I swear she's grown in a week . Hope ALL BDers (too many to mention) have a restful evening x

HVDY why don't you ring the court admin office and ask if they have removed you from their witness list? I'm pretty sure they will have. But it would save you waiting and being anxious. Its perfectly OK to do this.
Painting by numbers is enjoyable and relaxing. I do adult colouring in books sometimes.

HVDY I'm glad your nephews operation is over. I hope it was successful and he makes a good recovery.

Dear all. Had some upsetting news today. Lots for DH and I to think about and take on board. He is coming home this weekend which is good. We will find out more next week.
I don’t want to talk about it on GN so won’t say any more.
Please forgive me if I keep a low profile for a few days. I will be around but not posting much. Thanks for your love and support it means a lot x

Doodle- thinking of you both and sending love. Take care of yourselves .

I just was flying past, so to speak. But couldn’t go any further. I have to stop, just to say I’m thinking of you Doodle. Hope you, DH and family cope with whatever is to come

Doodle thinking of you and your dear husband and sending love.

Doodle You are in my heart, mind and prayers and sending love. Xx

Evening, wasn’t going to post tonight as, as usual, very tired but read Doodles post and couldn’t not respond.
Doodle I’m so sorry you have had upsetting news. That must be so difficult for you. What I would say, if it helps, is that when you have bad news, it’s such a shock and you need time to digest and process. This time doesn’t necessarily make the outcome any different but I do think you eventually come to a level of acceptance and you begin to feel a little better. I hope I don’t sound flippant or dismissive, just my experience which I thought I would share in case it helps. I’m thinking of you both and sending lots of love ❤️.
Ellie Anne I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. Hope you feel better soon.
HVDY my GS is 8. There’s lots of things he can do for himself so it’s not like looking after a baby but it’s just tiring in different ways. Getting him out I’m the morning, making meals/snacks, tidying up after him (he’s incredibly messy!), sorting him for bed etc (he stays over at least 2 nights a week), Getting him to his various activities, etc. I’m sure you know what I mean. I love him so much though, he’s my absolute world. As I think I’ve said before, my DD can’t have any more children so I need to make the most of him. He decided to sleep at home tonight and I was slightly disappointed. Just can’t win! Glad your nephew’s op went well and I hope his recovery goes well. Nice you got to see chubby chops today too! Re your struggle with social anxiety - do you think something like diazepam could help in the short term. I know Drs don’t like prescribing them but they are ok for occasional use?
Scaredycat you and your DS have been through so much, I truly admire you for coming out the other side. It must have been so difficult and I’m sorry your son still suffers. You seem like a close family and I’m sure that helps. You must be so strong. I hope your energy levels improve soon. I know how hard it is to try and improve them.
Nadaterturbe I hope your energy improves soon too. Try and rest as much as you can. I hope your lighthouse painting comes along well. I’m sure it will.
Thinking of everyone else too. Special thoughts with Wyllow and Doodle. Night all xx

Goodnight all BD's. xx
Thinking of you all

Doodle I can imagine what you have told . If I am wrong I apologise and ignore what I am going to write.

Be lead by what your husband wants and only tell people who he wants. If he is anything like my husband he won't want to be treated differently as that will hurt him. Also if he is like my husband he will want everything in order to make things easier for you. If they have given you a time scale work on the least amount. If I am right you will be living with the sword of Damocles hanging over you both waiting for it to drop. Spend all the time together and if your husband only wants to see certain people you are going to have too act as gatekeeper and keep people away .
But remember to eat and drink healthy as you are not well yourself and your husband will be worrying about you. If he is like my husband what I call man's man . The sort of man that puts those he loves first and takes charge and wants to protect them. I liken my husband to a silver backed Gorilla. He will be wanting to protect you by not saying what he feels but you will have to get him to not just for his sake but yours. As these will be the things that you will hold onto.

You are both in for a hard time you both had enough to cope with last year unfortunately life doesn't want you both to have an easy ride. My thoughts are with you both. And just concentrate on eachother.

So sorry doodle that you are having such a difficult time. Thoughts and prayers are with you.
Nadateturbe thank you for the song. It sums up my feelings perfectly. I’m going to try to post it on my fb page.
Really I’ve nothing to complain about when I read others posts but my head is in a bad place.

Doodle I'm so sorry you and your husband are having such an awful time. I think of you every day and know that you both cope with things with stoicism and grace. Your lovely family will help you get through things.

nadateturbe I've just rang the coroner's court, they said they haven't yet received the letter (posted 30th Dec). I ought to have photographed and emailed it, I suppose. My nephew's operation apparently went well, thanks. He should be going home tomorrow.

Candy6 It's lovely having GC to stay, but tiring. Your GS is at an age where he can "help" you with things. When our eldest son moved back in with us a few years ago, his girls were here every other weekend and half of every school holiday (he was here for almost 3 years, has been gone 15 months now), so I do understand what you mean. I'm reluctant to take anything for the anxiety (it's never been offered) but perhaps I should. I avoid situations that I know will make me like it but that's not really the answer.

I hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

HVDY post is so unreliable now. I'm sure you'll be excused, though Try not to worry. What date are you due to appear?
You didn't strike me as someone who would be so anxious. You always sound so confident and sociable. I'm sure you could get help to overcome it, even a bit. But only if you want to. It must be awful to feel like that.

nadateturbe I emailed a copy of the GP letter (why the hell didn't I do that before?) to the coroner's office, had a reply saying I'm excused. What a massive relief. It was all next week. My own family don't know I'm like this (I just make excuses to not do some things). Only my husband knows. I somehow hide it, but yes, I need to get some help. Thank you.

I've been excused from doing jury service. What a load off my mind. . Hope ALL BDers have been ok today x

So glad to hear that HVDY.

HVDY I really am so glad to hear your news . That will be a huge load off your mind.(just seen you've said the same words,sorry) I don't know how you've managed to hide it from your family so long-it must be so difficult for you, having to find excuses to not do some things.
My mum seemed the most confident outgoing person and certainly v sociable-yet she would tell me she got so nervous doing some things. No one would have ever known- she hid it so well.

HVDY glad you are excused . I did it when I was 20 at the crown court. Only on one jury even though had to go everyday from 9-5 . They gave us luncheon vouchers. Had to miss a week off work. The jury was on it was a ridiculous case and never understand why it came to court. You have seen judges portrayed as out of touch . The victim. said I cor scream the prosecutor had to explain to the judge she said I can't scream . It was like a carry on film.

Thanks all. This social anxiety started many years ago (I don't know what started it) and I really ought to tackle it. I'll ring the GP next week.

HVDY- I must admit I too am surprised you have social anxiety- you always seem such a sociable person but it’s unfamiliar places and environments that are a problem and I can understand that. When my anxiety was bad I would get those physical feelings even going somewhere with people I knew well. The ADs have helped with that. An extra BB might be a good idea .
Good news your nephew has come through his Op- your
brother will be relieved.
So glad to see you have been relieved of Jury Duty- what a relief that must be for you- hope you sleep well tonight.
Candy- Your GS and you must have a lovely relationship - 8 is such a nice age and they are great company as they are starting to form interests and opinions. One of our GGS is 8.
My energy won’t really get much better as the continuous AF affects blood oxygen levels.Thats why I walk to try and keep the fitness I have.
A thoughtful post for Doodle- can’t stop thinking about her and DH.
EllieAnne- your worries are your worries and as important to resolve as anyone else’s. Hope you can get some peace of mind soon.
Wyllow- thinking of youx
Doodle- sending love to you both

HVDY I forgot to say how glad I am that your nephew's operation went well. I'm sure that will help your brother too.
Scaredycat I hadn't realised you walked to try and combat the falling energy levels due to the AF. You do everything you can to help yourself and I know I need to keep walking too. Just been so difficult lately .I certainly relate to the unfamiliar places and environment that bring on anxiety. I managed to contact someone from PM yesterday and have got my group session changed to a 1 to 1. Kept putting the call off as it makes me anxious even speaking on a phone about it but the relief when I had sorted it myself was immense.
Candy I'm another with a DGS of 8. I wish I could get my pain sorted out to pre-arrange things but it's unworkable right now. They can be so funny at that age can't they?
EllieAnne I echo Scaredycat and * Doodle* Your worries are just as valid as anyone's here. We are all equal in our problems in that they impact on our lives so much. Hope your day was better today.
* Nadateturbe * The words to the song by Don Williams really spoke to me thankyou. I don't think I've heard of him but I liked the simplicity in his words and the reassurance. I hope you are feeling a bit stronger today.
Doodle Thinking of you a lot today and hope your DH comes home soon.
Wyllow Love to you as always and thankyou for letting us know you are there.

After early pain we went out for coffee but had to turn back as started again. So much painkillers and have been doped up all afternoon. It doesn't seem right to me that it appears to be worsening. Anyway have PM appt on 1st Feb though if it's still Urology I need I can't see a plan about accepting the pain without searching for the cause will help. We'll see. Hopefully better day tomorrow.

Thinking of all my friends here and I'm grateful and thankful for this special place. Sending love to all and those not personally mentioned but are still struggling. Wishing a peaceful night in mind and body. X

HVdY glad your nephews op went well.
Not a good day today, DH has yet another infection requiring yet another different antibiotic. We are both really sad and frightened. Take care all and look after each other. I am with you in spirit x

Doodle my thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending love.x

Whiff being on a jury was certainly an experience for you!
Candy it's so lovely and you are very lucky to have your grandson staying over every week. Of course it's tiring too. But they grow up so fast and in no time are busy with their mates, so I can understand you wanting to make the most of it now.
EllieAnne everyone's problems are valid. That's what I took from the song, that there's no need to feel guilty for complaining about pain or unhappiness. And because someone might be suffering more doesn't negate yours. I do hope your days improve.
Sweetpeasue I agree. It seems they need to do more about finding the cause. Doctors/consultants are very good at ruling things out. But it shouldn't stop there. I'm sorry you're suffering so much today. And its annoying not being able to make plans with your gc.
I'm glad you got changed to 1 to 1. Well done.
Scaredycat I didn't realise (or have forgotten) that your energy is so low, but it makes sense. It's hard adapting to so much less energy and not being able to do things you enjoyed.

I've been in bed since about 5pm. Dinner on a tray again. Totally drained because I went to get my hair trimmed and a short trip to shops. Plus 2 nights of very little sleep. My activity level is so low. I hope tomorrow is better.
Thinking of you Wyllow3 and everyone else on BD. I hope you have a peaceful refreshing sleep.