I am a retired, junior level public sector worker, who took early retirement on ill-health grounds. I have a disability which means I cannot read social situations and can ramble on too much, plus need things explaining more than once sometimes, to understand them.
My brother, who is three years my senior, is a former Policeman, serving 9 years, left in the early 90's and has worked in the private sector ever since.
I have always earned far less than him, but due to not having his taste for living life in the fast lane and not being an excessive spender, and managing my money well, am better off than him.
He often buys seriously pricey things on a whim, for him and his wife too.
Although I buy top end items, I take time over deciding.
He has always had a taste for drink, plus his wife drinks too. Brother drinks two bottles of wine a day and his wife less, but daily......They have both told me themselves.
His wife totally understands my disability, is reassuring, calming, helpful and has never criticised me and says I have never, ever annoyed her and am not to blame.
However, my brother, who has always been impatient with me, has started to get verbally abusive, threatening and dismissive of everything I say during family get togethers. Even more so when he has been drinking.
During a recent family visit, I took myself to another room to calm down after an outburst aimed at me. As I was trying to relax, brother entered and calmly asked if I was alright.
I calmly asked why he suddenly exploded and he calmly said it is because I am wealther than him and brought my pension into the conversation too.
He then, later, in front of our parents, yelled and screamed at me, right up to my face.
I saw his wife give him 'the look' several times during the stay, plus she told him to stop his behaviour towards me.
My brother is always, out of the blue, telling me what to spend my money on, emailing me with ourageously pricey things I should buy, plus recently he told me not to leave his wife any money in my will as she will only waste it on pricey fashions and he will die before long due to drink.
I was shocked and appalled to hear him say this.
He has since phoned me to say I ruined the recent family visit and I often upset his wife. Also that if his marriage breaks up due to me, he will drop all contact with me for good.
When not drinking, he is still impatient, but not threatening.
So, not only am I still shaken from recent events, I now feel so guilty and scared that if there is a break up in the marriage, he will blame me.
He sounds absolutely vile. Shouting in your face would be the straw that broke the camels back for me although to be honest reading your post I’d have gone no Contact before that
I like to live a peaceful calm life you say he is not physically violent but to me he’s intolerable
I’d wash my hands of him you are worth much more love.
I think if you look at this relationship it needs a step back. Your brother is a bully and you’re not responsible for his behaviour. For your own sanity cut ties for the time being and see how the situation unfolds. Your not responsible for his marriage either it looks like he’ll ruin that all by himself.
Other have mentioned, Bullying, Al Non and Narcism - I do think they are on to something.
Also OP you have said your own condition may play a part in your difficulties, so what can you Do about this very upsetting and scary situation with your brother ?
If you can stay away from him, have no contact with him that's the easiest way to stay safe, not always possible so look for other ways to take care of yourself around him. Think carefully about contact with his wife.
She stays in her situation and that is (rightly) her choice.
It's not your choice how they live their life so it's not your Fault - You are Not to Blame for any of their problems.
Your brother does NOT have the Right to tell you how to live your life. The fact that he does Not have the Rights he thinks he has won't stop him trying to bully you. It's up to you to find ways to take good care of yourself in these awful situations.
My suggestion would be to research, get yourself informed, teach yourself to understand about Bullying in it's many forms, about having an Alcoholic Relative and how to take care of yourself around them and try to get to grips with being around a Narcissist.
There is plenty of information on the web and acquiring knowledge is a good start to helping you understand that while your brothers bullying is aimed at you he is behaving in ways of many others before him so the patterns are there to help you understand and ind ways to be protected.
You Don't have to Just Take his bad behaviour.
Finding how and what Patterns of behaviour he is following can help you separate his Blaming YOU form the Hurt and Scare you feel of Being Blamed.
As for your own disability, seeing your Dr or not seeing your Dr is for you to choose and not for you brother to dictate. You do what is right for you.
How current are you re understanding your disability? May be have a read to see if anything New and Useful to you is known about your disability and How that might leave you more vulnerable to your brothers bullying or help you with your self protection.
It's a lot of self help and research but if you start reading around these areas I'm sure you will realise that :-
1) the problems are far more with your brother than they are with you
2) You are not alone is How you feel
3) you may learn to train yourself to be less affected by his nasty bullying behaviour
And last but not least
4) His is NOT your problem to FIX. He created his problems Not YOU. You are Not to Blame.
You may also wish to look into some counselling/therapy to help you through this difficult situation. Good Luck and may you find a safe way for you to move forward.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
If you look at all you have written, Brownhamster, you can see there is a pattern. You recognise that you have faults and have asked your family to remind you of them when you are going overboard. Your brother blames everybody and everything for his faults (which your parents seem to go along with) and this reinforces your view that in some way you are to blame. There is a dynamic here that needs addressing.
One of the things alcohol appears to do with chronic drinkers is kill off the brain cells that make you empathetic or nice. Eventually it tends to colour everything and not in a good way. I suspect your brother and his wife know they have problems with alcohol so there is probably nothing you can do there until they choose to address the problem. If your brother has PTSD, it is HIS responsibility to get help for it so it minimises the effects on him and everybody around him.
He also told me I need to see my Doctor and get stronger medications.
I am seeing my Doctor soon.
Has anybody else suggested that you need stronger medication? Do you think you need it? Are you having problems elsewhere in your life? Quite honestly, it sounds like you are being gaslighted here.
...when she did give me her previous mobile number, brother found out somehow, questioned me about it, so I got rid of it.
Why? Was it a problem to him? It shouldn't have been. What made you think you had to get rid of it? It sounds like you thought that this something you shouldn't have and it makes me wonder if he is controlling his wife too. If my brother suggested that I shouldn't have my SIL's number, I'd be livid. I certainly wouldn't get rid of it. It would make me determined to keep contact just in case she ever wanted out of the relationship.
I think it might help you to look at Transactional Analysis and look at how you and your brother relate to one another. You might see what you need to work on or, even more likely, why you will never be able to have a decent relationship with him and it might help you make the changes you need to for your own peace of mind. Al Anon is also a good start.
Have you considered he may have the same condition as you, and his excessive spending and emotional outbursts are related to that?
Bear with me. I realised 14 months ago I had ADHD (due to my son’s diagnosis), and your first paragraph struck a chord with me. I’ve done hours worth of research during this time and it very much sounds like your brother is exhibiting associated traits (overspending and rejection sensitivity). It affects us all differently.
Apologies if I have got your condition wrong, but I just wanted to comment on the off chance that it could give you some answers to the reasoning behind his behaviour.
It sounds to me like he is drinking to self medicate, because he is struggling and feels bad about himself. If your disability is caused by having a different way of your brain working, this often has a genetic element and it could be that he too has inherited some traits that make it difficult for him socially. Men and women are affected differently. So I think he needs understanding, not condemnation. Someone who can say you are a great guy and we love you but this drinking and behaviour is hurtful to us and you.Please do something to get help. For you I think that if you could find a support group for people with a similar disability, you will find acceptance and self acceptance to help boost your self confidence. Lots of love
Quite simply Brownhamster -
Step away
Stay away
You are not his punch bag , encouraging you to buy expensive items - what !!!?????
His wife will know exactly what he is like and probably knows she can't change him - neither can you.
Stay well away , it's called self preservation!! Take care of yourself.
get rid.I speak in the past tense, but i had a highly narcissistic brother who used to abuse me but in a subtle way, I ended contact in 2012,my life is less complicated.
Your brother sounds completely toxic and out of control. I would cut him out of your life completely.
I have done this with my toxic sister and it is a great relief not to have to listen to her venom any more .
Life is too short to put up with his appalling behaviour.
I agree with the others …He’s a bully …
You are not better off than him because you were lucky …you have been adding to your pension and anyway what has it got to do with him ?
My Dad was an alcoholic and died when I was very young .He wasn’t the best Husband /Father although there is a a story why but it left a ripple affect for My Mum and Siblings .
Remember no response is a response .
I would avoid him, any rift in his wife or his money us due to his own behaviour. Looks like he can see some flaws already appearing in his relationship and is looking for some one else to blame.
Sever ALL contact - the man's a bully
Brownhamster there is no way your behaviour could be contributing to his problems. Did your parents have preference for your brother over you so that you were brought up to see him as some kind of god to be worshipped and served?
His problems are his and his alone and he should grapple with them, not farm them out on other people.
Yet.
He is never physically violent.
This man sounds super controlling.. I wonder if his wife is frightened of him.. does he ever get physically violent?
You cannot control his behaviour but you can refuse to be affected by it.. both by not reacting and/or stopping contact with him. I would also suggest Al-Anon to your SIL
Could my behaviour be making him drink more and causing him issues? of course not unless you live with him 24/7
Why are you continually blaming yourself for his behaviour
How about getting sone self confidence counselling
I am single. No children and live alone. I have a small circle of really good friends, rather than loads of associates.
I fully appreciate that when I talk too much and interrupt, it must be infuriating and my friends kindly tell me to calm down, which I have always asked them to do for my benefit and it works.....I actually prefee to be made aware of it.
However, being shouted at increases my difficulties further and I continue more.
Yes, mother has told interviened and told him to stop, as well as me at times, but has told him his drinking makes things worse and she notices the flowing wine!
Could my behaviour be making him drink more and causing him issues?
you seem to defer to him,
why.
stop doing that.
live your own life.
surround yourself with people with are pleasant, respectful, supportive.
or be on your own.
either way, give him no quarter.
Brownhamster It ispossible that the cause of your brother's behaviour, both drinking and anger management may be the result of his police service. Policemen and women have to deal with many traumatic events, that can cause PTSD and a host of other mental problems while in the service and after they leave.
There is a charity called 'Police Care UK' www.policecare.org.uk/ This charity helps and supports police officers, serving and retired, who have mental and other problems arising from their police service. It may help you to look at the site and then perhaps discuss it with his wife and see if he might benefit by seeking help from them.
In the meanwhile, you must step back from seeing everything he says about you as true. It isn't and you need to both protect yourself and mentally distance yourself from him, but also encourage him to seek the help he so obviously needs.
He should have been taught how to calm situations in the police not increase the tension I personally would keep well away from any contact with your brother Do you have to keep ringing him? be a bit more independent. If he rings you tell him that his outbursts are too hurtful and you ll start contacting him again when he stops abusing you
I m afraid I wouldn’t be attending family dos either Are you married? with or without children ? Do you have hobbies /friends etc You don’t live near him so cut all the visits down to minimal (once a year maybe ) and don’t be near him on your own
Remember it’s how we react to people that guarantee how they treat us next time …stand up to him Easier said than done I know but you can’t change others behaviour, only your own reaction. At the moment you sound meek and hurt be brave…. what can you lose ? Can’t you visit your parents without him around
He chose to leave the Police, go to Uni and then choose a very successful career, which he still has.
He has told me he is bullied by his boss, which is what his daughter told me.
His wife drinks at the same time, but paces her wine and drinks less of it.
It gets better, now your brother is telling you to get stronger meds and you state you are going to the Doctors. For goodness sake stop listening to him.
I would also state being in the Police is not an excuse for his jealous, unpleasant behaviour. He only served 9 years, could he have been asked to leave because of his behavior? My daughters partner is a detective and he would never shout, insult, or bully my daughter because he is stressed. He would soon be shown the door. No excuses for him to behave like this.
Speak to Al Anon who will help you as the family of an alcoholic which he is. I expect his wife and his parents are keeping their heads in the sand.
Cut all ties with him and if necessary her. He sounds violent. Take care. Ring the police if he ever turns up at your house in an angry state. I hope he doesn't drive when drunk. That would necessitate a call to the police. He probably is in a constant state of drunkeness as he is probably a functioning alcoholic.
You are not the problem. As Al Anon will say you can't control this, didn't cause it and can't cure it.
I hope the wife isn't trying to keep up with his drinking in order to "share" a bottle with him. Hoping that will keep his levels down. That doesn't work as he will have a stash elesewhere.
Horrid situation for you. Back out as much as you can.
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