Brother's drinking

I would be going no contact with this bully, his drinking is not your problem and is no excuse for his vile behaviour.

You have to ask yourself what you get out of the relationship with your brother, seems to me nothing but intimidation, insults and spitefulnes, and you really need to put yourself first.

Keep in touch with his wife but avoid him as much as possible. He is drinking too much clearly, and it has begun to affect his communication skills. I suspect his wife is not happy with her life either.

This is a sad situation but you have to protect yourself from your bully of a brother. You have each had opportunities and made your own life decisions and it appears he is jealous of you, hence his behaviour. He has no respect for his wife, you, or his parents if he displays such bad behaviour in front of them and his drinking escalates his bullying. I would agree, keep away from him to protect yourself from further fallouts. This is not your fault.

I now feel so guilty and scared that if there is a break up in the marriage, he will blame me.

Read that sentence out loud to yourself several times. Cannot you see what total nonsense it is? If his marriage break ups there will only be one person to blame and that is him. Why are you accepting everything this bully says to you?

Why did your parents do and say nothing when he shouted in your face.

The best thing you can do is refuse to go to any family gathering where he will be present. You can presumably visit your parents when he is not there.

Just cut him out and ignore him. If he comes to your house do nto open the door. If necessary call the police.

Your rescue from this appalling bully is in your hands. Just refuse to go anywhere where he is present.

Your brother is a nasty bully, it's as simple as that.

His drinking and the state of his marriage is his responsibility. Don't let him intimidate you.

The screaming into your face is completely unacceptable and I think it justifies you breaking off contact with him. He's using you as a punch-bag for his own failings.

Thank you.

I am now realising that his wife must be annoyed with him, plus probably has had words with him before about this.

They live many miles away from me, and I only get to chat with her when on the phone to my brother and he hands the phone over or she wishes to chat with me while there.

I know our parents rarely chat with her when they phone him up, but they just accept it and rarely need to discuss things with her.

He has occasionslly said, during my difficult phases and his outbursts on the phone, that his wife is angry with me, but when the phone is passed to her she assures me she is fine and sorry that I am upset and calms me down.

I have not got her own contact details, as a few years ago, when she did give me her previous mobile number, brother found out somehow, questioned me about it, so I got rid of it.

From a previous marriage, my brother has a daughter, now grown up and living near her job elsewhere in the country.

My niece has recently told me she has wanted to approach the drink situation but cannot, is worried about my brother's health and assures me my brother gets fired up and explodes with many other people as well.

Also that she feels my brother has now got he wants now she has moved away.

I am in shock and cannot take it in, although he can be loving and supportive when I need him to be and he has not been drinking.

M0nica....

Good question!

Parents did question his outbursts and he put it down to experiences he had in the Police.

He also told me I need to see my Doctor and get stronger medications.

I am seeing my Doctor soon.

just avoid him.

Speak to Al Anon who will help you as the family of an alcoholic which he is. I expect his wife and his parents are keeping their heads in the sand.

Cut all ties with him and if necessary her. He sounds violent. Take care. Ring the police if he ever turns up at your house in an angry state. I hope he doesn't drive when drunk. That would necessitate a call to the police. He probably is in a constant state of drunkeness as he is probably a functioning alcoholic.
You are not the problem. As Al Anon will say you can't control this, didn't cause it and can't cure it.
I hope the wife isn't trying to keep up with his drinking in order to "share" a bottle with him. Hoping that will keep his levels down. That doesn't work as he will have a stash elesewhere.
Horrid situation for you. Back out as much as you can.

It gets better, now your brother is telling you to get stronger meds and you state you are going to the Doctors. For goodness sake stop listening to him.

I would also state being in the Police is not an excuse for his jealous, unpleasant behaviour. He only served 9 years, could he have been asked to leave because of his behavior? My daughters partner is a detective and he would never shout, insult, or bully my daughter because he is stressed. He would soon be shown the door. No excuses for him to behave like this.

He chose to leave the Police, go to Uni and then choose a very successful career, which he still has.

He has told me he is bullied by his boss, which is what his daughter told me.

His wife drinks at the same time, but paces her wine and drinks less of it.

He should have been taught how to calm situations in the police not increase the tension I personally would keep well away from any contact with your brother Do you have to keep ringing him? be a bit more independent. If he rings you tell him that his outbursts are too hurtful and you ll start contacting him again when he stops abusing you
I m afraid I wouldn’t be attending family dos either Are you married? with or without children ? Do you have hobbies /friends etc You don’t live near him so cut all the visits down to minimal (once a year maybe ) and don’t be near him on your own
Remember it’s how we react to people that guarantee how they treat us next time …stand up to him Easier said than done I know but you can’t change others behaviour, only your own reaction. At the moment you sound meek and hurt be brave…. what can you lose ? Can’t you visit your parents without him around

Brownhamster It ispossible that the cause of your brother's behaviour, both drinking and anger management may be the result of his police service. Policemen and women have to deal with many traumatic events, that can cause PTSD and a host of other mental problems while in the service and after they leave.

There is a charity called 'Police Care UK' www.policecare.org.uk/ This charity helps and supports police officers, serving and retired, who have mental and other problems arising from their police service. It may help you to look at the site and then perhaps discuss it with his wife and see if he might benefit by seeking help from them.

In the meanwhile, you must step back from seeing everything he says about you as true. It isn't and you need to both protect yourself and mentally distance yourself from him, but also encourage him to seek the help he so obviously needs.

you seem to defer to him,
why.
stop doing that.
live your own life.
surround yourself with people with are pleasant, respectful, supportive.
or be on your own.
either way, give him no quarter.

I am single. No children and live alone. I have a small circle of really good friends, rather than loads of associates.

I fully appreciate that when I talk too much and interrupt, it must be infuriating and my friends kindly tell me to calm down, which I have always asked them to do for my benefit and it works.....I actually prefee to be made aware of it.

However, being shouted at increases my difficulties further and I continue more.

Yes, mother has told interviened and told him to stop, as well as me at times, but has told him his drinking makes things worse and she notices the flowing wine!

Could my behaviour be making him drink more and causing him issues?

Could my behaviour be making him drink more and causing him issues? of course not unless you live with him 24/7
Why are you continually blaming yourself for his behaviour

How about getting sone self confidence counselling

This man sounds super controlling.. I wonder if his wife is frightened of him.. does he ever get physically violent?

You cannot control his behaviour but you can refuse to be affected by it.. both by not reacting and/or stopping contact with him. I would also suggest Al-Anon to your SIL

He is never physically violent.

Yet.

Brownhamster there is no way your behaviour could be contributing to his problems. Did your parents have preference for your brother over you so that you were brought up to see him as some kind of god to be worshipped and served?

His problems are his and his alone and he should grapple with them, not farm them out on other people.

Sever ALL contact - the man's a bully

I would avoid him, any rift in his wife or his money us due to his own behaviour. Looks like he can see some flaws already appearing in his relationship and is looking for some one else to blame.

I agree with the others …He’s a bully …
You are not better off than him because you were lucky …you have been adding to your pension and anyway what has it got to do with him ?

My Dad was an alcoholic and died when I was very young .He wasn’t the best Husband /Father although there is a a story why but it left a ripple affect for My Mum and Siblings .
Remember no response is a response .