Brother's drinking

My brother is getting very materialistic.

He is increasingly emailing and texting me, out of the blue, very late at night, with his very, very pricey purchases, plus details of items he sees on Ebay, which he says are worth thousands of pounds each, but the sellers are letting them go too cheaply and I would be daft not to buy.

Recentky, one text said how he'd spent a further £12,000 on accessories for his already pricey hifi separates, saying the sound is increadible and I should spend my money to save it from the tax man when I die.

Also, for the same reason, how I need to get this home improvement, that home improvement and a very flashy car, as if I don't spend it, someone else will.

I have tried ignoring things, without success, plus made the mistake once of telling him of a purchase I was considering after he tried to persuade me to buy something else!

His reply 'For the same price, I know a hundred alternatives which could wipe the floor with it'.

He seems so keen for me to spend my money and he always says what he has is superb!

Does it stem from him being jealous of my financial situation?

You poor thing, no one needs a bully in their lives and you deserve better. I too would not see him anymore. He gives nothing to you but hurt and heartbreak.

but why does he owe you money.
can't you have a joint a/c into which a % of the rent goes, for the maintenance.
you should not put yourself in a position where you are beholden to him.
somebody else said you were the elder, so i assumed that was correct.
makes more sense, growing up, if he was the big brother.
but should be irrelevant now.
you must throw off these shackles.

The house is let out easily, with not much work at all. It is just that I get grief when he owes me money, although he does eventually pay.

welbeck Managing Agents cost money so I suspect the brother would be unlikely to agree with using them and they would both have to sign the contract. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make them drink.

I am actually younger than him.

why don't you get managing agents to deal with the rented out house.
there is no need for you be so hands-on, and therefore having to keep on the right side of him in order to get his contribution.
see a solicitor about arranging things in a more advantageous and convenient way for you.
why do you let him dominate you.
have you always done this.
yet you are older than he is.
wish we could help.
it's actually quite frustrating reading all this.

GP agrees with you, that he is a bully and shifting his unsecurities onto me.

I will not go into what he discussed, but he, suggested like my niece, that I am not the only one receiving my brother's aggression and threats. Also, he said that although my brother says he is bullied at work, that he (my GP) would not be surprised if my brother is the workplace bully. Mum has confirmed she knows full well what is going on and has told my brother about his drinking and attitude towards me, but does not know what else to do. I am distancing myself at the moment. My GP feels too, that his wife probably knows what hevis like and may well have had words with him about his attitude towards me.

I feel very sad when I read this. I think you are trying your best to be a loyal, loving sister but the harsh reality is that your brother does not treat you well. His behaviour towards you is abusive and bullying. None of this behaviour is your fault and I feel fairly certain that he is not going to change.
You must ask yourself what, if anything, positive do you get from this relationship? I suspect if he wasn’t your brother - a blood relative - you would have walked away from this relationship a long time ago. Be strong and brave and withdraw. You don’t need to have any confrontation or provide an explanation. You just deserve better.

You are older than him, but so dominated and controlled by his goings on. ,You need help to become more confident. You need to stop engaging with him and concentrate on your own life.
No one can quarrel with someone who just doesn’t engage. But at the same time you need to somehow become happier with yourself.
Get out more, volunteer, go on a singles holiday, sing in a Choir etc ? Make your own life more interesting and full. It will give you less time to think about him and his problems. They are not yours.
Don’t cut yourself off from him, but try not react to anything he says. Concentrate on yourself and your happiness.
I suggest taking a Councselling course. Even Level one would help you.

Avoid him, see family when he’s not there. You are letting him control you, is that what you want?

It sounds like your brother likes to have a good moan but at least he repays you. He does appear to either have an odd sense of humour or very skewed thinking if he sends you pictures of what he would buying if he had your money. That is really quite inappropriate.
A family member offered my sister and I a house to share but I knew that wasn't ever going to work. I declined and suggested he gave it to her because there was no way I could work with her. He did give it to her and I don't regret it one single bit. I like a non-confrontational life! He'd also been very generous to me in the past and I didn't want anybody to think I'd taken advantage.

Thank you. We inherited a house, which we share and let out. We have a 50/50 share and get half the rent each. Brother always refunds me half of what I spend on upkeep etc. if I deal with the work, but he often moans, firstly saying I don't need the money etc. But, he always settles up. He every so often, sends me emails of absurdly pricey and exclusive cars, furnitire, entertainment systems etc. saying if he had my money, they are what he'd be buying and it is what I should be getting. Also, that blowing my money will save on some of my savings going to the state when I die.

Brown hamster, I think it needs to be said that we are all responsible for our own destiny and in saying that I have the mind set that I do not care what others think of me or what I have and as such do not care what others do and do not have. If your brother is aggressive towards you over money or family issues I think you need to do 1 of 2 things. One do not engage in any conversation with him regarding these matters as his attitude is poor and his mind set is jealous or 2 do not see or speak with him at all. Really life is too short for this childish behaviour

No, nothing about you is causing him to drink.
He is a pathological bully and probably should have sought psychiatric guidance sometime ago.
With your disability he's picking on you as the ideal, vulnerable sitting duck and is clearly co-ercing you towards thinking YOU are to blame for his behavior.
If need be, perhaps you need to approach the police about this - he's veering towards violence and almost every day the news has an item about women who have died at the hands of an explosive male family member. Don't think that walking on eggshells and tip toeing around him is the answer.
Blood is not thicker than water.

This is my brother to a tee!
His wife of 46 years has just left him .
I’m supporting her .
Long overdue !

Gundy you just beat me to it with your association of alcoholism and narcissism
Brownhamster
Narcs (if that is what your brother is snd who am I to say ) never take responsibility for anything it is never their fault, they always blame someone else Their life is all about control and they get off on other people’s misfortune
Another trait is to tell lies to other people
So as everyone says walk away which can be easier said than done but make sure you have support. Narcs have a tendency not to accept such action gracefully

Alcoholics never take any personal responsibility - it’s always everyone else’s fault for their miseries.

The same goes for narcissists, always blaming others, they are always right, horribly unhappy individuals.

All toxic situations should be avoided if they are not going to accept help.

Just walk away and lead your own life. The other parties will have to figure it out and accept the consequences.

My late husband's friend developed a drink problem - so we had to make some adjustments. As non-drinkers ourselves, we kept no alcohol in the house. Anything for guests was kept locked in the garage. We stopped inviting him round but continued to meet outside. Sometimes he'd pop round, though - and could stay if sober, was swiftly escorted out if drunk - and was never allowed any alcohol here. Yes, he blamed others for his alcoholism - his childhood, his job and his wife - but not himself.

He’s an alcoholic so there will never be any reasoning with him, ever. He should be kind and supportive to you not projecting his pathetic inadequacies on to you. I’m not sure what your condition is but it sounds a bit like my ADHD. If people want to criticise or whatever then it’s their problem not mine, or yours. You sound like a lovely lady and deserve so much better than this. Without a doubt tell your parents and SIL how badly it’s affecting you and that you no longer want contact with this bully. Cut him off, block his phone and avoid situations where you are likely to meet. If he does try to persist with his unacceptable behaviour do not get drawn in . Calmly tell him you’re done with him and stick to it. Alchies will suck the life blood out of you (I was married to one). Only then will you get the peace of mind that you so richly deserve.

I have no personal experience of this situation, and I have no siblings so I can't empathise with how it feels to have a problematic relationship with a sibling, especially if you love him. Your parents presumably love him too, as well as loving you, so it must be difficult for them also.

My main thought is that you must stop blaming yourself for any of his behaviour. So you are a chatterbox - some would say that is lovely. I can be so too, but friends cheerfully tell me to give someone else a chance - and we chuckle about it.

It sounds to me as though you are hurt by your brother's cruel attitude and words to you, and you need to remind yourself that your good friends would be appalled to hear him treat you like that - and therefore it is NOT YOU who is at fault, but HIM. Surely a decent brother would be appreciative of your personality, and love you for it, not blame you for things unnecessarily. Many sisters would simple tell him to "bog off" (or worse) if treated in that way, but instead you find yourself feeling that he is right. That is, as others have said, bullying.

Several have suggested that you should cut him out of your life, but it would be better if you could toughen yourself up a bit to stop feeling so hurt and at fault - in other words, stand up for yourself. I don't have any advice as to how you learn to be something you have probably never been (and shouldn't have to be) but you can't go on being put down like this. It isn't right, and isn't fair on you.

Remind yourself that you have good friends who don't treat you in this way, or make you feel in the wrong, and recognise that it isn't you who has the problem - it is him.

Much love and good luck.

He is not someone that you need in your life as he is at present (if at all). He is behaving like a toddler with regard to how he has spent his money so he is worse off than you who has not lived as extravagantly, he has gobbled down his biscuit and thinks it's unfair that you've still got most yours because you are eating it politely. There's an old saying he wants both spice and the hapenny, ie he wants both the sweets and the halfpenny that it cost him: you spend your money you haven't got it, you can't have your money and what you have bought, it's one or the other.
It is totally unacceptable for him to behave like he is doing . The drink obviously isn't helping his behaviour.
You know, when he says that you've upset your sister in law by your behaviour, I wonder if it is what they call projection. He is accusing you of doing what he is guilty of, to deflect from his behaviour. When I found out about projection it was like a lightbulb went off when I thought of how my husband had behaved on many occasions. What you say about him making you delete your sister in laws number is also abusive behaviour, abusive to both you and sister in law I bet he had her delete your number too, so the 2 of you couldn't support each other in any way. Which other numbers has he has his wife delete, I bet there are some, it is a tactic of abusers to isolate their targets from family and friends who might actually support them.
If his marriage breaks up then it will wholly be down to him and his awful behaviour and drinking. How dare he try and make you feel guilty, but again really he is talking about himself, although he will not recognize what he is doing
It is unfair to you that probably what you need to do is avoid family events when he is there, and as far as possible avoid contact with him,
You are actually a vulnerable adult as well. Would you consider contacting women's aid.perhaps? If he continues to harass you they could help you get legal protection to stop him doing that. It doesn't have to be violence to be abuse. Nothing justifies his treatment of you
He won't like it if you make a stand against his behaviour and it might worsen as he realizes that his control of you is loosening again do not hesitate to ring the police
There is absolutely no justification for his behaviour, he might find you irritating, but you know most people can be in their own way. No excuse for his behaviour whatever

Contacting Al Anon is very good advice. Talking to others in similar situations will help give you perspective and help to stop enabling his controlling and bullying behaviour, by distancing yourself effectively. Do you actually need him in your life? Hopefully you will redefine your boundaries and stop allowing his coercive and bullying behaviour.

Apart from being a nasty bully, your brother is an alcoholic. \What di your parents think of his behaviour? Can they influence his to admit he is an alcoholic?

Typical bully and ex policeman behaviour. Ask yourself if you really need him in your life? If the answer is no then move away from him by not going to events or gatherings which involve meeting him. You deserve better treatment and alcohol is the main issue here .
He is not your responsibility