Son’s girlfriend diagnosed with BPD

RunaroundSue

If this was my son and he had just had an operation, I would go and visit him and see if there was anything I could do to help. That is what a good mum does. You could then hear it from the horses mouth and know what is going on.

You do need to know that it is him that is texting you and not her.

It sounds like the son did not want that - for whatever reason. Otherwise he’d have told her about it.

You can be a good mother without mothering when your grown child is sick and has a partner

Hi Cossy .
Have a Google - all is explained .
Wishing you and your daughter resolution and happiness for the future .

Blis nothing will be straightforward, an emotional roller coaster, for the person concerned and the one with them. I couldn’t cope living with someone with it all the time, you never know what happens next. You need to speak to your son, I don’t know how far away you live , it might not be possible to go and see him for some reason. Most partners would inform the partners mother in the circumstances, it wouldn't have taken long.

My best advice is talk to your son, direct. Arrange to meet up, just the two of you.

Be ready to listen to whatever he has to say to you... The girlfriend has BPD but there is no way of knowing yet if this text is related to that or not.

I would strongly advise not blaming the girlfriend or her diagnosis in any way speaking to your son, as this may damage your relationship. Find out where he stands and work from that

I assumed you meant bipolar disorder.

In answer to your question, my friend with this condition is never controlling and doesn't push away her partner's family.

I know another friend's bipolar daughter is quite hard work but I don't think controlling is part of the condition.

Esmay

Hi Cossy .
Have a Google - all is explained .
Wishing you and your daughter resolution and happiness for the future .

Thank you so much, I have googled and of course you are correct. Maybe her psychiatrist felt it was too complex to explain and she’s been referred for DBT and is taking anti psychotic meds.

Thanks again and for your good wishes.

As they say, every day’s a classroom! Always good to learn

Our youngest DiL has all the symptoms of Complex B Personality Disorder. She is manipulative, controlling and has isolated our son from his family. She has also stopped the family seeing their young children. This has nearly broken us as a family. We have had long ranting text from our son's phone but the phraseology and words used are hers. We are powerless and it has made DH and I ill and affected other members of the family.

I can't remember the names but there have been two tv documentaries about coersive controlling behaving by women of male partners. Both women isolated the men from family and friends. Very upsetting but if you can watch them it might give you some insight if this is occurring.My wife, my abuser channel 5 is one. The earlier one was even more chilling. Hoping your son is not in this situation.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder - worth reading this if you haven't already. I have experience of this in the wider family. The person created drama and discord wherever they went (now deceased). Eventually, all sympathy for their condition evaporated. Sadly, your son's girlfriend will blow him out eventually. Just try to keep the communication channels open and the temperature down. Sometimes as a parent, you just have to be there and wait for things to change.

I understand how shocking it must have been to receive such a message and surely the first thing is to speak to your son.
I do have some experience about this. My daughter in law has BPD, diagnosed some time ago. She is a university lecturer and is currently pregnant with our first grandchild and she is also studying for her doctorate. Many people withBPD live happy and fulfilling lives if they take care of themselves.
I do hope that this is resolved quickly and happily.

Sorry I thought you meant bipolar disorder, not borderline personality disorder. Apologies

it is best to do some research on bpd, it is seen as one of the most difficult mental health conditions to have, a lot end their own lives. Newer therapies can help the condition.The main symptom is splitting between good and bad.Ive known people who suffered with it, going along with them can be a rocky ride.

I find this message strange and quite worrying.
I cannot understand the writers son being in hospital for an operation but not letting his mum know for a week. She says she can understand this but if my son had have not let me know I would be really upset. Also how can she not have contacted hi now she does know, a phone call at least but surely the situation warrants a visit.
Whether the girlfriend sent the text or her son surely she wants to make contact and find out. Blis1234 has quite a distant relationship with her son by the sound of it but relating this situation to my son and my relationship I would be behaving very differently. Add in an unpleasant phone message I would be doing much more than contacting Gransnet.

Cossy

My daughter has BPD, she’s 23. It’s an awful mental health condition and she’s had “issues” with it since she was 14, finally getting a diagnosis, medication and referral for DBT.

“ Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It's the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.

Symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD)

The symptoms of BPD can be grouped into 4 main areas:

emotional instability – the psychological term for this is affective dysregulation
disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – cognitive distortions or perceptual distortions
impulsive behaviour
intense but unstable relationships with others”

It doesn’t make people “horrible” or “controlling” nor has my daughter ever tried to come between her partner of 3 years and her family.

It is a very difficult and serious mental health issue.

I think you may be confusing Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Disorder, which is its modern label) with Bipolar Personality disorder.
They're very different but difficult conditions.

Agree that if it is borderline personality it could be difficult going forward ,for u and your son. However, you may mean BiPolar disorder ? Still difficult but different...

People with BPD or EUPD as it is also frequently known as need help and understanding not always derision. Although if she did send that text and not your son that's unacceptable and he might need to talk to her about boundaries. However she could be a good girlfriend with a little patience and understanding. Yes they are hard work and you can't always know how to handle their moods but please at least try.

VioletSky

My best advice is talk to your son, direct. Arrange to meet up, just the two of you.

Be ready to listen to whatever he has to say to you... The girlfriend has BPD but there is no way of knowing yet if this text is related to that or not.

I would strongly advise not blaming the girlfriend or her diagnosis in any way speaking to your son, as this may damage your relationship. Find out where he stands and work from that

Exactly!! If you live too far away to meet up, talk to him directly on the phone... not by text.

Listen to what he says. If he indeed wrote those texts try not to defend yourself right then. Just say that you'll think about what he has said and will try to do better. Good luck~~~

Many replies have queried the son belatedly informing his mother - just a thought but until recently (when I got a new mobile) my battery would have died overnight. If the son had been rushed into hospital he may well not have taken a charger or cable. Doesn’t explain the girlfriend not letting her know, nonetheless.

Pippa22

I find this message strange and quite worrying.
I cannot understand the writers son being in hospital for an operation but not letting his mum know for a week. She says she can understand this but if my son had have not let me know I would be really upset. Also how can she not have contacted hi now she does know, a phone call at least but surely the situation warrants a visit.
Whether the girlfriend sent the text or her son surely she wants to make contact and find out. Blis1234 has quite a distant relationship with her son by the sound of it but relating this situation to my son and my relationship I would be behaving very differently. Add in an unpleasant phone message I would be doing much more than contacting Gransnet.

I wouldn't be upset but then, I don't tell people my private medical health details until I'm ready

It may be that they are both feeling overwhelmed following his surgery. I'm so sorry you are upset . I hope things get back on track and you all find a way of coping.

Rasha

I can assure you I haven’t confused the two disorders, I was with my daughter when she received her BPD diagnosis and have driven to The Priory to start her DBT therapy. My MiL had Bi-polar disorder, as well as being diagnosed with Schizophrenia. We have quite a lot of experience with various mental health conditions (and sadly suicide) on both sides of our family.

RakshaMK

Cossy

My daughter has BPD, she’s 23. It’s an awful mental health condition and she’s had “issues” with it since she was 14, finally getting a diagnosis, medication and referral for DBT.

“ Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. It's the most commonly recognised personality disorder.

In general, someone with a personality disorder will differ significantly from an average person in terms of how he or she thinks, perceives, feels or relates to others.

Symptoms of borderline personality disorder (BPD)

The symptoms of BPD can be grouped into 4 main areas:

emotional instability – the psychological term for this is affective dysregulation
disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – cognitive distortions or perceptual distortions
impulsive behaviour
intense but unstable relationships with others”

It doesn’t make people “horrible” or “controlling” nor has my daughter ever tried to come between her partner of 3 years and her family.

It is a very difficult and serious mental health issue.

I think you may be confusing Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotionally Unstable Disorder, which is its modern label) with Bipolar Personality disorder.
They're very different but difficult conditions.

Rasha.. you wouldn't have DBT therapy for Bi Polar

If my son had been admitted to hospital with appendicitis and I wasn’t informed about it for a week I would be livid. Why? I would be asking the girlfriend why she didn’t inform you - surely your his next of kin? Red flags all round here as it also doesn’t sound like he sent the text. You need to speak to him one to one. Good luck!

My daughter has bpd and isn’t how you say your sons gf is, I would ring him and find out what’s going on

Bizarre she didn’t let you know he’s in hospital,tread very carefully just in case she stays in his life.