Black Dog 22

Hvdy my hand is still very raw but not so sore. But the rest of me is a bit stiff and sore.
I’m really struggling emotionally and I feel guilty because of doodle and whiff. But it’s our anniversary tomorrow and praying that it will not be mentioned as usual but I always dread it in case.

SweetpeaSue Son1 didn't have sun*burn*, it was sun*stroke*, his GF said he was so ill she rang 111 Monday evening, they said he needed to go to hospital but he didn't want to, so she got his temperature down to an acceptable number. Saw him just now, he looks very pale indeed but seems ok. Your tops look pretty. I really like the detailing. I love pink, my favourite colour. They'll be perfect for this hot weather.

nadateturbe Thank you. I hope you've been alright today.
Ellie Anne How's your hand?
Doodle You've been through such a lot this past year, more than some people ever go through. You miss your husband terribly and I expect that will always be the case, and unless a person has been through that loss, it's hard for them to know how it feels. I can only imagine. I think of you every day. I will certainly be thinking of you even more so next week.

Had a lovely time at Son2's. Chubby Chops had a lot of nice presents and cards (not that she took any notice or knew what it was for). All the family were there, also DIL's mum, sister and nieces - 1st time of meeting them. Buffet and cake, got home 30 minutes ago. Hope ALL BDers have a restful evening x

Doodle All of us would be feeling quite scared about an operation but it must be so hard without your DH's support. I wish you could be fast forwarded through this very raw stage of grief into a time when it might be just a little more tolerable . I can only imagine how you must be feeling with the op approaching. It's just incredible how much you've had to cope with this last year. There are no words I can find to help much but we are all with you in spirit. I will think of you on Tuesday (actually ,think of you every day anyway) but will be sending prayers and 'good vibes' that you will feel peaceful and calm. Sorry this week is worse Doodle. Another hug and much love. X

HVDY good news about your son and his job offer. Sorry about your other son. Sunstroke is not nice.
Wow I can’t believe how Chubby Chops has grown. Such an amazing head of hair. She’s lovely.
Sweetpeasue your tops look nice. I like the embellishments.
Good luck for your DH next Tuesday. I might be going into hospital for my op on lung next Tuesday too. I feel very vulnerable without DH to help me.
nadateturbe I don’t suppose this hot weather makes you feel any better. I’m too exhausted to do much.
Ellie Anne how’s your hand today? Hope you’re not in too much pain.
Wyllow I’m glad your MH worker is sticking with you until you get your own help sorted. Wish you could get outside but it’s hard to make the effort when feeling so low.
Dear Whiff thank you for your lovely post. So kind of you.
For some reason I feel worse this week than previously. There are things I used to talk to DH about that I can’t talk to about with anyone else and I miss his support. Never thought I’d feel so frightened.
You are kind to tell us about yourself. It does help to know that others have not got over their loss but have found a way to live with it. At the moment it’s like trying to plod through treacle..
zakouma how have you been today?
Scaredycat how are you coping with the heat? Have you been out anywhere?

Oh sorry ,tried to put pics of tops next to Wyllow's name.
Whiff Thankyou for your nice post about the BD thread. Kind of you to offer caring words of encouragement to Doodle too. I know you loved your DH so much and I'm sorry you have had your heart broken , not only by the loss of your DH but son too. So pleased you are living your life to the full and have found great friends.

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202406/medium-702762-20240626-173331.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202406/medium-320705-20240626-173334.jpg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/202406/medium-634461-20240626-181305.jpg

HVDY So pleased for your son2 landing his great new job. Your son 2 has not been so lucky - ouch! Hope it's not so sore today. Aw what a beautiful little girl your DGD is. Thankyou for sharing.
DH's appt with Rheumatologist turns out to be Tuesday. He's been telling me Monday all week! Good thing I looked at Calendar. Hope your pain hasn't been as bad today when you've had your little GD.
WyllowGlad to hear slightly better yesterday and that you've been reassured about MH not abandoning you. I can understand how fearful you must be when you are so fragile. I'm sorry about all those other poor health symptoms and all the self care needs piling up. It all sounds overwhelming. If you can manage just one thing, perhaps the hairdresser to visit your home you will have one thing off your list. I do hope you can get the extra carer soon . I've thought about my posting about DH and I doing the garden and I hope it didn't make you feel more sad bringing back memories of your own. I didn't think . Will try to post photos of the tops though the pale colours look even paler on the photos, they're much nicer really.

What a gorgeous little girl. Just makes me smile to look at her. Thanks HVDY.
Back later.

Whiff She's dark-haired, like both parents, My other son didn't have any hair until he was about 15 months, then it was blonde ringlets. Have a lovely time with your daughter and GSs, and enjoy some cake. It's very warm today so I'll be staying in the shade.

HVDY wow she's grown. What a mop of hair just like my daughter had . My baby will be 41 on Friday. Going out for lunch with her and my grandson his brother's at school.
Vegan restaurant with garden centre. The food is brilliant you wouldn't know the cream in the cakes wasn't real. No doubt I will come back with some plants. Enjoy yourself and what the heat.

Seeing her later....

Wyllow, sometimes I've made myself a little timetable Its a CBT trick. Fancy name is Behaviour Activation but it just means doing stuff even if you don't feel like it.
Maybe pick one thing and try to do it? the hairdresser possibly?

Wyllow3 Sorry you're so low. SpecSavers would come out to you to do an eye test, not sure how you'd go on about a dentist. All you can do is take each day at a time, but I'm glad your MH won't be leaving you, at least until you're sorted out with a carer.

Doodle the overwhelming sadness will always be with you but you must give yourself time. It's still such a short time since Mr D died. It's not just his death weighting heavily on your mind the lead up to it. All you both went through healthwise before it and now you are facing an operation on your own . (Just had a thought can't remember if that's right or not. ) For years until I left my house I heard my husband drop both of his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 and shouting hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs. I used to see him sitting in the armchair with his laptop on his lap after dinner. Or see him in the garden as gardening was his relaxation so different from work.

It is frightening suddenly be left alone especially after being a couple for decades . Even now I want to ask my husband for advice or think how he would do something.

Like many here you are a carer and looked after your husband and others and with his death you not only loose half of yourself but part of your role. Because of my age when my husband died I went from concentrating on him to making sure the children know I wanted them to live their own lives and they both did what I wanted . Which meant they moved over 100 miles from me. But then I looked after my dad with my mom until he died then still had my mom and mother in law to look after until their deaths . I had to be on constant alert 24/7 I didn't live my life I existed and that's no way to live. Because of them my grief had to be held in until I was alone . And that only made it worse.

This may sound strange but this feeling of overwhelming sadness and fear you are feeling is good because you are letting yourself feel it. Masking it only hurts you more but I didn't realise how much I had hurt myself by doing that .

What you are feeling will always with you but over the years you will learn to cope you have to give yourself time. I have said before grief is the price we pay for love . And we are the lucky ones all those widowed here we found the other half of ourselves and loved and was so loved in return overwhelming grief is the heavy price we pay. But our lives would have been empty without it.

Until I had jaundice in 2017 I was never frightened of living on my own . And after years of caring for others I needed help 24/7 and there was no one. I was so frightened fear I had never felt before or since. All I wanted was my husband and the overwhelming grief was crushing . But being so ill made me make some life changing decisions. I don't recommend it as a way to make you take stock of your life and decide how to change it but it's what I needed.

Doodle and everyone else here who is a widow or had a partner die. Let yourself feel the pain and sadness otherwise you will hurt yourself. As I have said before all here don't realise just how strong you are and how much you help people with you honesty in your posts and all the hurdles you face daily physically and mentally. I see that courage and I am sure others do to and take comfort in that .

That’s how I pictured your dress, HVDY, swishy and polka dot. Sadly I wasn’t surprised to hear of the wait for the MRI. A nerve injury sounds very likely and hoping Musculoskeletal do respond. £ hour chat, wow! Good for son no 2.

Scaredycat rest is good and fine alongside grabbing life when able.
Getting some meds seems harder and harder, sorry you got caught up with the problems.

nadateturbe glad to hear there may be a social, you’ll miss the art group. Well done on the pastry.

EllieAnne aw so sorry to hear about your injury. Yes, living with the cant do’s is very hard. I do admire you being active and hope it doesnt put you off. Hope tomorrow is a bit better.

Sweetpeasue good to imagine you’re sitting in the cool of the day. I wish so much for DH the Rheumatologist can help it would make such a difference. Thank goodness it’s next Monday. I like tops like that hippy like.

Doodle loving thoughts heading your way. Yes it is frightening to feel so sad and lonely, understand as feel it too tho different reasons.
Not surprising you cry so much. Everything’s you see and things around you reminds you.

Today slightly better as thanks to me ringing yesterday my own MH worker says they won’t desert me until carer thing works out. I have this gigantic fear of being abandoned, probably always have but made worse by ex and abuse.

Too much is piling up - tum always upset, (usually feel either bloated/blocked/sick - garden a mess, need dentist, hair, glasses - just all too much to feel better.

On the computer a lot just to keep people contact up and feel part of something else than bad thoughts. Also aware especially with shortages in MH help well and in here too how much change we need…

It's so frustrating sitting here on the computer thinking I should just walk round the block but then just cant do it.

Nadateturbe Please don't worry. Hope you get energy levels 'topped up' for another day tomorrow. Also you get a decent night's sleep- noticed you posted in the early hrs this morning.
*Doodle *Oh I'm so sorry it's been an extra tough day today. It's good to know you have a really nice neighbour and she looks out for you. Loneliness is a dreadful feeling and without your DH it must be a loneliness that surpasses anything I've felt and I so wish I could take that away from you. Thankyou DH saw GP this morning ) though nothing she could really do about raising medication as it needs to be consultant. He wasn't allowed F2F so I had no input, though don't think it would have made any difference. Not long now though ,appt on Monday morning.
Much love and hope you sleep peacefully .x

Sweetpeasue I started writing to you, but am flat on the bed, energy gone. Will talk tomorrow. Think you did right thing with GP.
EllieAnne please take care of your hand.x
Doodle I could cry for you. Giving you hugs, and praying.
Hoping everyone is OK tonight. xx

EllieAnne That's sad. Have you got any TCP, Savlon, or even better, Sudocrem?

Son2 rang me, he's been offered a job (he was head-hunted, had an interview last Fri), he's accepted it (got to work 3 months' notice) and it's much more money.
Son1 has been off work today and yesterday, with severe sunstroke . DH is watching the England match on tv. Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

SweetpeaSue It's been 26 here today, supposedly going to be 27,28 tomorrow then start to cool off a bit. As you say, your husband will be on the GP's radar. Not too much longer before he sees the Rheumatology, now, is it? It's July next Monday. We were on a 12.5% mortgage when we moved to this house. Yes, it was a struggle. Thanks, I've got bad pain when I'm walking about or bending, so I've done nothing today. It's too hot, anyway.

Doodle . I'm glad your nice neighbour was there. I'm on Gabapentin, which doesn't help. Not sure what a M.S. clinic will do, nor when I might get referred to one.

Hug coming your way. Hope your hand is ok. I really think you should get it seen to if it’s a deep cut. Hope you’re ok.

I wish you could send me some of your heat ☀️☀️☀️
Tried to clean up my hand again in case there is any dirt in but it’s very deep and hard to get at.
I’ve got out of the habit of telling dh anything. I’ve done it so often and had no reaction or been ignored.
Just feeling a bit sorry for myself tonight.

Sweetpeasue it’s so good to hear you sounding more positive.
Your poor DH must wonder what’s going on. It’s not nice to see when someone looks so ill. Did you get appointment with Gp today? I can understand wanting to be with your DH. I’m another overthinker.
nadateturbe glad you are ok today and had a nice sit in the garden. It’s so hot here. Our flat has the sun all day and it’s so warm. I have a fan on my face,
You will miss your art class. I have another 3 sessions to go before summer break.
Wyllow I feel for you today more than normal. I’ve had an awful day. Cried so much I couldn’t work my way out of it. I’ve calmed down a bit now but it frightened me how sad and lonely I felt. I do hope something lifts your spirits soon.
HVDY neighbours are lovely. I am so lucky. Don’t see them much of the time but one I do and she’s such a wonderful friend. I am so lucky to have her. She made me sit with her while I cried today so I wasn’t on my own.
Nerve pain is so difficult to cope with. Is there anything they ça do to help? If you go to the musculoskeletal clinic is it possible they could give you a pain killing injection?
Scaredycat hope your DGd had a lovely birthday.
Yes I have a chair on my balcony and it is nice to see the boats going past. Normally I love it here but today I got very down. It was quite an unpleasant feeling today. I read your posts and after all you’ve been through you sound so full of life. I must do better tomorrow l
Hope you enjoyed your lunch with your art friends and hope you get your cream sorted out soon.
Oh Ellie Anne Im so sorry. A fall will have shaken you up no end. I hope your hand is alright. Perhaps you should see a nurse to dress it. Are you very bruised and battered. I know when I fell and broke my wrist it took me ages to feel confident walking again.
Perhaps you and I could sit in some quiet corner and have a good cry together. Hope you sleep well tonight and feel better tomorrow.
Sleep well all x

HVDY It's usually hotter where you are as I often check weather where my son lives. I don't know much about musculoskeletal though I know lots of people go through there or physio before anything else is offered. DH went through musculoskeletal before finally being referred to hand surgeon for carpal tunnel. Yes DH spoke to GP(no F2F so I couldn't be there but it wouldn't have made any difference. She couldn't raise the steroid dose as its still the Rheumatologist responsibility as he's under him. I do understand, but as I said to DH , it wasn't wasted as it was her that got him into the emergency care a few weeks ago and it's good that he's on her radar as she will be monitoring him afterwards when he needs to taper down. He won't be going to previous GP anymore.
I used to make corned beef pies for my kids too. Cheese n onion pasties too. Money was pretty scarce in the time of 15% mortgage rates.
Hope you have a comfortable night without too much pain.

SweetpeaSuE I saw this 2nd Physiotherapist about 7 years ago, when I had a nerve impingement in one shoulder, years ago. That's how I knew what the pain is now, it's the same - a dragging, burning pain. No bone problems at all, but musculoskeletal people deal with sprain etc of the muscles and other supporting structures, not just bones. He said no point in referring me for MRI and waiting all that time, as the problem should be resolved by then. How have you been today, in this heat? How is your husband? Did he get to speak with a doctor?

How has everyone else been? My husband's sister rang, we chatted for 3 hours! I saw her at the wedding (she's the bride's mum) but not at length. No wonder I haven't got anything done today (but it's been too hot for anything) x

EllieAnne Sorry to hear that. It does shake you up when you have a fall. None of us can do what we used to do. I used to do Zumba 4 times a week, only 3 years ago. Now, at the moment, I can't even walk about in the house . You do well to be so active. Don't let it put you off. Did you tell your husband?

nadateturbe That Physio was a nice man, 40ish, very thorough. I believed and trusted him when he said it was OA. He was wrong. I'll be sure not to let him manhandle me again. Not sure about aqua aerobics, I'll have to see how I feel on the actual day, I think. Bending (and then standing up), going upstairs, driving (clutch) all make it much worse. I used to make my own pastry when our boys were growing up - corned beef and potato pies, which they loved, and Cornish pasties. Nice.

HVDY The mew physio seems as if he knows what your pain is and it's what you have suspected all along. Nerve pain is agonising but it's a shame you can't have the MRI , just in case it's something different. Your heart must have sank at the 6/8 mths! Not sure why you'd be referred to musculoskeletal if it's the nerve - is it because a bone spur or something simular could be pressing on nerve? Don't let the other physio make it worse . I'm sorry you've been so messed about. Hope the referral to M dept won't take forever too. You're going round in circles. Grrr.
Doodle Thinking about you today and wondering how you are. X