Black Dog 22

I don’t think he is particularly unhappy and is unaware of my feelings. I tried to talk about it a couple times times in the past but he either ignored me or got nasty

I had no experience with young children when I had mine and oldest son was difficult from the start and a horrible teenager. He’s still moody and unpredictable.
Hvdy we don’t argue or fall out except on the few occasions he has hurt me over family things. We just have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. If something comes up about the family house or finances I will tell him but that’s all.

Scaredycat yes mint sauce I love it. I have it most days in my peas. Yes have started art class but not very good (in fact very bad) but it keeps me occupied for a few hours,
Nice to have things to laugh about with family.
HVDY if the pain killers aren’t working perhaps you need something stronger. Glad the physio thinks you can still do your aqua aerobics. Hope the gentle exercise helps.
I have been for a walk once on my own and also with a friend but until my lung has been sorted I don’t like going to far. I’m better being occupied at home to be honest. Keeping my mind busy helps. I have hurt my ribs lower down. I think it’s the crying that’s done it. Sounds daft but sobbing moves the muscles. I’m crying now while I type this. It lasts for a while then I stop.
zakouma do you have acupuncture often. I think if it works for you it’s a good thing.
Wyllow sorry you couldn’t dress today. It’s hard to motivate yourself when you don’t feel a reason to or are just worn out. Hope tomorrow is a better day.
Ellie Anne I’ve read that dementia isn’t forgetting your PIN number it’s going to a bank machine and not knowing what it’s for. I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. “Too much time to think”. When I think too much all sorts of things come into my head. Have you looked into things at the local library of U3A. It’s hard to meet people and get to know them. The people in my art class are pleasant but remote, not chatty. When my lung is sorted I might try a chair exercise class.
Sorry you got frightened, a strange experience .
nadateturbe what a nice post. Thank you. Hope you enjoy your art class.
I think we all think we weren’t good mothers, I know I do. I think of all the things I did wrong. I worried so much about them it made me stressed. I didn’t have many friends then either. I think that would have helped knowing more people with children.
Take care all

Must go, art class soon. Back later. I would have posted more if I hadn't spent half the time trying to get a bluebottle out of the bedroom window!

Dear Doodle You're missing your dear husband so much but I think you're doing remarkably well. As HVDY says everything is still raw. and everything makes you think of him, and not being able to hold him or see him. That is very hard to cope with. It's ok to cry, sometimes it helps, and then go out for a walk in the fresh air. We all cope with grief differently, and you will get through it in your way, but know that I am praying for you, and sending big hugs.
Your children are taking good care of you, Sunday lunch sounded nice, and it's good that your'e eating. you need to take care of yourself.
A class where you do things sounds like a good idea, to keep you busy and try to socialise, and distract yourself. Have you been to the art class yet? It does take courage to walk in somewhere with strange people, but you will most likely feel fine after a short time. and most people are friendly and welcome new folk. and if they don't you don't have to go back. That's the approach I usually take, because I too am very shy and lacking in confidence. My face actually twitches if I feel nervous. U3As often have craft groups.
I hope today is ok for you, and that you're enjoying that lovely view a little.xx

I'm sure I've missed a lot everyone, it's so long since i posted, so please forgive me if I've missed something important.
Sweetpeasue You must be angry at the first GP not taking you seriously. It's hard to understand really, and very frustrating. But the rheumatologist's secretary sounds so nice and helpful. I think Doodle's suggestion was good, about emailing the consultant. I have done that on a few occasions. As it's recorded you do usually get a good response. Putting things in writing is always a good idea. it's so difficult watching your husband. Perhaps not push himself too hard until he is seen. But I know personally its difficult not to.
You mentioned an 8 Steps to Recovery programme and as you say, sometimes these things aren't a good idea. It's horses for courses. But I know that I am on a fb page for M.E/fibromyalgia and I often ignore it, because reading what people are going through can be depressing and make you feel worse about symptoms too. I think you are sounding more positive these days. you could try it and see what you think on the first day. Or not. You know best.
Sweet peas are lovely, what a nice name you chose for yourself.

Good morning everyone. I haven't been able to post much recently. But I've just managed to catch up on all the posts and am in the middle of answering.
However I just noticed your last post HVDY and wanted to answer while it was fresh in my mind. I too still feel guilty for smacking my son! Like yours he was very challenging, and I was brought up in a home where smacking was very much the norm. I remember kicking my mum as she smacked me! I even called the district nurse to come and talk to me, hoping for some advice and help, but she just said I'm sure you're a good mother. I too have apologised countless times, and I know he feels bad about how he acted too, even as a teenager. (set fire to a female colleagues hair once!)
You've apologised and as far as I can tell you are a wonderful mother. You're always helping your children and they enjoy being with you. They wouldn't do that unless they loved you and knew you love them.
There was very little help and advice for us when we were young mothers, it's so different now. We both did our best, under difficult circumstances.
I often tell my husband I'm sorry for being such a poor wife, for being ill so much and not good company, but the fact is if positions were reversed I would care for him and not expect him to feel bad about it. I'm sure you would too.
I'm sorry you're still in such pain. It's dreadful. I hope the x ray result throws some light on it.Just read your last post, oh dear, keep taking the pills, hope it improves soon.xx

Just looked at my notes on the NHS app - x-ray yesterday was "borderline" for Arthritis. Ligaments and nerves don't show up on x-rays. I'll keep taking the tablets and doing the exercises then. Showered and dressed now. Must koko. Love to all x

Wyllow3 Thank you. I haven't done anything yet this morning (not dressed etc) but my hips are painful. I've taken 2 tablets, so we'll see. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I hope you'll soon get some extra help. Please keep doing what you can, and keep posting on here.

EllieAnne I used to keep thinking what a rotten mum I'd been when my boys were little. I used to be on my own with them for 14 hours a day as DH did so much overtime (and he didn't help when he came home, he was too tired) and I used to smack Son1, he was very challenging and naughty. I've apologised to him again and again, he said there's nothing to apologise for. You haven't been a bad mother or wife, you've done the best you can, which is what we all do. I often apologise to my DH for not being the wife he deserves - since my stroke, and now with the painful hips, I feel a burden to him. Again, he said I've nothing to be sorry about.

You haven't got dementia. The fact that you remember things later shows that. We all have those forgetful moments. The other week, I didn't know how to work the dishwasher (we've had it years) one day. Another time, I couldn't remember how to turn on the window wipers in the car. You're depressed. That's evident to us all. Your circumstances are the cause. You might not like me saying this, but as you and your husband still live in the same house, is there any way at all you can find a way to get on, at least on friendly terms?

Thank you all for thinking of me. I’m very low. Too much time to think. Friends seem a bit distant and I really don’t think family like me much. I keep going over what an awful mother I’ve been.(and wife).
You may think this sounds silly but last night in my kitchen I saw a shadow move out of the corner of my eye. I thought cat but cat was out. Then I felt cold and really afraid . This has happened a few times before. I put lights on and went to bed but it took a while before the fear went away.
I wonder if I am going mad.
Also I keep forgetting names though I remember them later.
Worried about dementia.

I’m so very sorry that the Pregablin hasn’t worked, HVDY. - yes put the dose up until you get some relief. Yes you need to keep moving they always say that but don’t feel its wrong to just lie down, if that helps

(
No, I haven’t the heart to do those things. Poorly today all round, didnt dress.)

Hard to watch DH, Sweetpeasue, but glad you have been OK.

Of course everything hurts or reminds, Doodle, everything around you x

I’m still close to hills, Scardycat
Me and ex in better times were out walking or cycling. Cant bear the messy sad end still its pervasive, the hills remind.

You must wish you lived closer to sis.

I’m glad acupuncture helps, Zakouma

Warm waves to all other BD’s and night night all. xx

I have one of the top people near me and honestly, its kept me afloat.

Thanks, I might have a look at that

Hope I'm not saying something daft, but if you can find a good acupunture person, its worth a go.

Or even a facial, reflexology. Anything that carves out a bit of time for yourself.

SweetpeaSue The Pregabalin hasn't done anything to help yet - perhaps I need to up the dose (1 to 2, 3 times daily. I've been taking 1). Does your husband have a nap during the day? My DH slept for a couple of hours this afternoon. He's always tired, to do with what they now think is the Parathyroid. This getting old lark is horrible, isn't it. I hope your husband can keep going without overdoing it, until his appointment.

Doodle I'm on 100mg, 1 or 2, 3 times a day. I don't know if the impingement will improve (or if I've got that), but I'm in terrible pain - walking from one room to another, etc., but bending down then standing is the absolute worst. I'll keep up with the exercise the Physio gave me. He told me to continue with aqua aerobics, so I'm going tomorrow, if I can. You obviously miss your husband, it's early days and things are still raw. Do you go for walks? Can you/could you go swimming? Exercise would help you to sleep, as well as pass the time. I think you're doing brilliantly x

ScaredyCat You've got a fox . Do you feed him? Ours gets eggs, cheese and black puddings every night, but 2 of the local cats keep scoffing the cheese. I feed 2 hedgehogs, too (cat food if they get there before the damned cats) Went for an x-ray today, nowhere else. Did a bit of housework. Hope you've had a good day.

Wyllow3 Hope you've had a decent day. Koko, you're doing well and one of these days will be a better one.

EllieAnne Hope you're ok . Nadateturbe, Candy6, Nanny2507 - hope you're all ok. Love to ALL BDers x
Whiff, Zakouma66 , Allsorts,

Candy- glad the headache has lessened. It makes sense what you say about the old shoulder injury maybe triggering it.
What a nice anecdote about your Dad- what a kind thoughtful man he was.
Thank you the Footie evening was fun .I am so grateful the DD and co live so close.
Wyllow you must have missed the,hills when you left Derbyshire. My sisters GD has just moved back after a short spell in very flat countryside. She said it was like living on a table!!
Your,DS must have been pleased to hear from you. You are making such an effort Wyllow- great you went out to shop too. As SweetPeaSue says hope you will one day find brighter days.
Doodle- So glad you had a lovely lunch with your DS. Hope there was mint sauce- that’s,the best bit about roast lamb.
Yes it was nice to have time to really listen to my sister - she has not had an easy ride and always,puts herself last. But we laugh a lot too together- so many shared memories.
Have you started your Art Class yet?
Sending much love.
HVDY- Hope the new meds help with your pain. It’s such a shame it,is interfering with all the things you enjoy not to mention the pain itself which is so wearying. Hope you were able to get,out today .
SweetPeaSue- good to hear you,ve had a decent day today but seeing your DH struggling with discomfort and fatigue which sound relentless must indeed make you hurt for,him.
Although you are so worried about him there is a real sense of a little bit of your confidence coming back.
I didn’t know eggshells are weapons against slugs - disgusting little horrors. We have a little fountain thing in our lawn and the local fox somehow managed to knock it all onto the grass and put the bird feeders under the hedge the other night. He’s a little fiend. Not like HVDY ,s lovely visitor.
Wishing all BDs a calm and restful night.x

Candy glad your head is feeling better today.
My dad used to grow Sweetpeas too. Lovely scent. Thanks for your kind thoughts,
HVDY good thing you’ve seen the physio and hopefully it will help. What strength pregabalin are you on? DH was taking 250mg a day. Not sure if it helped or not.
If it’s nerve impingement does that mean it will get better in time.?
Wyllow I love our flat. Nice to see the river and people walking past. It helps a bit. Do you do anything during the day to keep your mind occupied? Games, reading, art etc. I find i feel better if I’m busy. If I do nothing I think a lot and get sad.
Sweetpeasue thanks for the hug. It’s appreciated. I’m still very up and down . I can cry so easily. Keep seeing things that I remember DH using or buying and it hurts so much to be without him. I want to reach out and touch his face and have him hold me again. 🥲
As I said to Wyllow , keeping my mind busy helps. It’s the quiet times that get me.
You’ve improved a lot if you can cope with the MH session and feel your better than the others there. Just wish your DH would get seen soon and then your mind might be easier,
Scaredycat hope you’re having a lovely time with family
Ellie Anne hoping you’re ok. Love to all x

Scaredycat Sweet peas do smell gorgeous don't they? The secretary said something must have gone wrong when DH 's July appt was put back ,especially after receiving the expedite GP's letter , though she didn't understand what it was. I think her apologies were sincere and she tried to get DH in with another Rheumatologist but their diary was 'closed', because of holiday. Hope you've recovered a bit from overdoing it yesterday.
Candy Sorry to hear about the shoulder injury playing up. It's so often the case that one pain can set off another. Hope your headache is better. Aw how lovely of your dad to give you the bunch of sweet-peas he used to give your mum. Fond memories . Wish I could give you some-if they crop well. If slugs don't eat them I'll send you a photo.
Nadateturbe Hope you're not suffering today because of your lovely beach walk.
Are you still able to do some of your painting on a rest day or does that take too much out energywise. Think being creative must not always be relaxing if it draws on your emotions.
HVDY How has your pain been today? Hope the pregabalin has helped a bit. You must be fed up of it , especially as it must stop you doing the things you want to do. You're right I am counting the days--again. No use going private now though as it's about 3 weeks to get appt with Rheumatologist anyway. Just can't understand why the consultant couldn't put the steroid dose up high enough to treat GCA. Thing is DH's inflammation markers in blood test weren't high but there again they weren't high in his blood tests for Polymyalgia either. Apparently not everyone has the abnormally high markers for GCA either. Oh I love roasties too. Son2 does the best ones ever .
Doodle How have you been today? It must be so very, very hard and you do so well to come here and post to us all. Hope you are looking after yourself well for your hospital procedure. I'm so reserved and shy too when it comes to groups of people. Was terrified and stomach churning today as it was MH group sessions. Missed 1st last week with DH in hospital. Wasn't so bad but I think I'd rather concentrate on future now and don't think I'm as bad as others. Big hug for you Doodle.x
Wyllow I'm pleased you're keeping in touch with your son. I appreciate it must be difficult as we don't/can't always tell it how it is to our AC but I'm sure he will appreciate any contact with you. You've done well to wattsapp son and do a shop too. Keep going Wyllow and just hope one day you will feel a glimmer of 'the point'. X
EllieAnne How are you? Hope you're OK.
WhiffZakouma66 Allsorts*Nanny Hope you are all managing your days.

I've been OK myself today but can't feel relaxed while DH is like this. Its the excessive fatigue that's not normal for him. He's forcing himself through the day and ,well, just so unfair. There must be so many who are crawling along and needing NHS , but I see DH every day and it hurts to witness.
My sweet-peas still here! Put eggshells around them so no slimy little b××××rs can get them -as yet. 🤞
Hope all have a peaceful night.

Wyllow3 Thanks. I hope it eases this pain (it's affecting every single thing I do). Our GP surgery is pretty good. It's annoying that the doctor 2 weeks ago didn't help me like this, when she could have done. Your days must feel so long - do you/could you bother to do crosswords, knitting, or even listening to music?

It's a lovely, sunny morning. Went back to bed at 1, slept until 5.30, so have showered etc. Hope ALL BDers manage to see some sunshine x

HVDY I know a Quaker lady for whom Pregablin made all the difference, so I really hope it does for you this time if not before. And the physio same day, amazing.

You seem to have made a little progress, Sweetpeasue, for DH, but it must be so hard with those worries and how poorly he is. Sending you both warmest wishes for healing. Good advice from Doodle.

I smiled at the footie bit Scardeycat. I dont follow footie by myself but when I’ve shared it with family wanting to win it is so stressful I used to disappear into the kitchen. Yes, know Mam Tor well of old, I used to live very near in Derbyshire. Glad you do photography.

Glad you got out for the meal, Doodle. Think of you and picture you in the flat overlooking the water sometimes.

Warm wave to Candy and glad your head is a bit better.

Usual difficulties and feelings today. Hard to koko. Managed to WhatsApp DS and shop. Wake to how shall I get through today, etc, nothing new.

Night night to all BD’s, posting today or not xx

Doodle Your lunch was lovely (although I don't like lamb but love roast potatoes and the rest). I saw the Physiotherapist at the GP surgery today (didn't even know they had one there) and he was very good, really thorough. He thinks it's nerve impingement and Arthritis. I don't usually nap at all, but fell asleep at 7pm and woke at 11.30 so am late in taking my tablets. The Pregabalin will help me to sleep (I had them for a torn ligament once, they did nothing for the pain).

Candy6 Your shoulder pain could well have caused your headache. I hope both have eased off. The Physiotherapist moved my legs and hips such a lot, it made the pain very bad . It's easie now I've been resting.

Wyllow3, Nadaterturbe, Whiff, EllieAnne and ALL other BDers - hope you've all been ok. Love to ALL x

SweetpeaSue Glad you managed to speak with someone. Another mistake made or something overlooked. I know how worried you must be about your husband. You must both be counting down the days until his appointment. Your sweetpeas will smell lovely. My dad used to grow them.

ScaredyCat Glad you enjoyed the time with family - yes, it's tiring but we have to make the most of those times. My sons and husband aren't interested in football, but they'll be pleased if England manage to get through.

Evening
Nadaterturbe your walk by the sea sounded lovely. I like a nap too, in fact, I think I like one too much. Sometimes though, I sleep for longer than I should which has a knock on effect on my night sleep. Hope you are fully rested today. Thank you for the tip about my headache. It was gone when I woke up but is still there in the background. I think it’s been brought on by an old shoulder injury which has reared its head and the way I’m compensating for it by tensing/holding my head awkwardly. It’s getting better though thankfully.
HVDY hope your meds help your pain and you get an x ray appointment quickly. You have been let down too and it’s just too bad. Hope the physio has helped too.
Sweetpeasue I do hope your DH gets sorted soon. You must be so worried and it’s just not good enough. I can understand how frustrating it must be for you and not being able to do much to help but you are there, fighting for him and doing all you can. I’m sure he appreciates that very much. Ah sweet peas. I have a very soft spot for sweet peas. My Dad used to grow them and he was always so pleased if he got a white one. He used to give the first bunch to my Mum but when she died, he gave them to me. It was very poignant and something I’ll never forget. I hope you get a good crop.
Scaredycat so sorry for the worries you’ve got over your sister. It’s hard to see our loved ones suffer and sometimes the only thing we can do is just be there. It’s difficult and frustrating for us but what else can we do? I hope you enjoyed your time with your DD. Special times. Hope you are fully rested again now.

Special thoughts to Doodle and Wyllow. Love to everyone else too. Hope you all have a restful night xx

HVDY glad you’ve chased things up with the surgery. It’s obvious things are getting missed these days. Hope you get in ok with pregabalin. DH was on that for his pain in his legs. It works on nerve pain I believe.
I had roast lamb with all the trimmings and cheesecake for pud. Really nice.
Scaredycat don’t worry about posting. When you’re with family there’s lots of things to do and chat about. I’m sorry to hear about your sister. Having troubles to worry about doesn’t help with stress. Your sister sounds a lovely person. I’m sure having you to talk to will help her.
Glad you enjoyed the football. No one in our family is interested so we don’t have the highs and lows of supporting a team.
Candy hope you sleep well and feel better tomorrow.
nadateturbe I love a nap when you just nod off for a bit. I did that after DHs funeral. I was so tired I just lay on the bed for a few minutes and went into deep sleep.
Good you got a beach walk. That will have lifted the spirits.
Sweetpeasue it really is a worry about your DH. It’s not right that more mistakes are made and even after acknowledging them they can’t get him an appointment earlier.
I would actually phone back again and speak to the secretary. Ask if she’s managed to speak to the doctor and if he can be seen earlier. Maybe better would be to get her email address and write to the doctor. Spell out what was said about being seen within 2 weeks and your concerns about his eyesight, the aorta and his pain and headaches. It might be good to have your concerns written down as it will then be part of his record. Might make them think about it a bit more.
Ellie Anne and Wyllow hope your ok . Thinking of you.