Black Dog 22

Scaredycat how right you are. Today is dreadful. I am on the point of tears all the time. Everything seems so pointless without DH. I expect everyone feels like this who’s lost a loved one.
HVdY your meal sounds nice. Sons phone most days. Seen a friend a bit but I’m struggling a lot more now than I was.
Such a shame about your balloon ride. What a great idea for a gift if only you get to go.
Sweetpeasue sorry I can’t remember, when is your DHs rheumatology appointment? I’m so sorry about all these headaches he has. You must be worried.
Nice to go to your sons for a BBq .
Hope the book club works out well for you.
Wyllow I think I understand more how you feel now than before. So hard to get going and do things. Please keep trying.
Love to all. Sorry short posts I’m just so restless at the moment x

Doodle- I expect today will be difficult for you as tomorrow is DH funeral. At the end of tomorrow you will feel exhausted both physically and mentally but in the knowledge that you had a very special husband and many happy memories to sustain you in the years ahead,Be kind to yourself in the weeks to come . You too have some Hospital appointments to come so rest and let your lovely family help you.
Much love for tomorrow
HVDY- you WILL get your balloon trip - just when? My friends husband years ago had one bought for him and got up so early he then fell asleep in his chair downstairs and missed it!!!
It will be hard work with Chubby Chops but so rewarding being part of those special years. You have a busy life now but I can understand wanting to do something different and maybe meet new people.
Your lunch out sounded nice - we went out too but just to a Spoons! Bit of a photography
morning for me as the sun actually came out.
Zackouma66- we are here for you - our stories are all different but we have many feelings in common. The ADs have helped me and like HVDY I would rather take them forever than go back to how I was.
SweetPeaSue- reading your latest posts I feel so sad for you that you have been so isolated. It was so brave of you to go to College- can you find that feeling again? Think of all the things you can do- a great Mum and Wife and GM. Walking ,Driving,Cooking ,Book Club, Kindness, Thoughtfulness,great friend to us all - I could go on. That new group is worth a try - it might be really interesting. That feeling of being alone even in a group is hard but there are other people probably feeling like that too. U3A is a great way to meet like minded people. You could look at your local one on the Internet and see how many interest groups there are. It’s how I joined my photography group.
I,m sorry your husband is still suffering - it’s very worrying for you.
EllieAnne- you are not insignificant or feeble- you are depressed and lonely. SweetPeaSue is right the stumbling block for you is your relationship and home situation- there is no comfort for you at home.
Does your GP surgery run organised walks ? Ours has several groups that go out once a week.
How is your daughter?
Wyllow- glad you got a hug- your worker sounds kind.
You are such a caring person but you too need care so blocking unwanted contact could be worth considering if it continues.
Posting more as you have done lately is still making contact and we care so much about how you are.
KOKO- is so hard sometimes but little steps each day as HVDY says
Take care Wyllow- you are special.
Nadateturbe,Candy,Nanny,Whiff,Allsorts and those I,ve missed have the best day you canxx

Doodle The balloon ride has been cancelled 7 times. They don't fly for 4 or 5 months of the year, nor weekends or bank holidays. Both sons bought it for DH's and mine joining birthdays. I've booked it for the next earliest available time - July 29th. It's not good at all. I had mini quiche salad, which came with coleslaw, a hard-boiled egg, grated cheese and garlic new potatoes (too much food but DH ate some, plus his own BLT baguette and chips). How was your day? Are you seeing much of your sons? Neighbours?

SweetpeaSue You had a full day. Nice to see your son for a BBQ. What did you have? I also went to college as a mature student at 36, and did R.S.A. word-processing, desktop publishing and a diploma for business studies, but couldn't get a job doing any office work (I'd worked in clerical & accounts before having Son1) so ended up starting care work instead! You must be worried about your husband. Men can be so stubborn.

Wyllow3 Glad you got out for a walk. The fresh air is good. Your worker sounds very caring. Sometimes a hug is really appreciated.

Day centre today then looking after Son2's 2 cats - Son and family are at a wedding, staying overnight. Hope ALL BDers manage to see a bit of sunshine x

Not feeble, EllieAnne.

HVDY I’m glad you got out for a nice meal. The balloon trip cancelled again! Sheesh.

Doodle course the mind isnt at rest…..x x travelling along koko.

Sorry DH is so poorly, Sweetpeasue. Hope the BBQ went well.

zakouma66 Dont worry, you will catch up with all and decide about anti-d’s..

Saw my best worker this morning poor thing she cant do much with me atm but we did walk. Yes can talk freely and got a mini hug probably against the rules. Writing makes it worse atm, used to be such a writer.

Tomorrow a demanding day so will sign off now with love the BD’s, all those not in today included xx

Sorry, don't feel I can come in with much today. V full day - unusually- book group, then take DH to collect car at garage, then son asked us to his for barbecue. Not seen him since wedding and he's going back to work tomorrow
DH not well at all but went there with me. Stabbing temple pain worse and he says he feels as if drunk. Just won't be persuaded to go to Dr's. Says they'll only say to wait for Rheumatologist appt.
Doodle So sorry for your loneliness and sorrow. Wish I could save you from this awful time. Only time I felt some confidence was a spell at college at 40 when I did GCE and couple of A levels. Would have gone on to Uni but felt too fearful.
HVDY Another balloon ride cancelled- unbelievable!
Wrong info last post ,it was actually 19 I gave up work, halfway through pregnancy with son 1. I still have bladder and bowel pain so couldn't really commit right now. But I'm hoping that I might make new friend/s at this group thing if I stay at it.
Wyllow I know you have a serious illness and I just wish you could get more help. What HVDY says is a start ,in that taking small things on every day. You may not feel important in this world to anyone but believe me, you are so important to us. Speaking for myself, I think the small amount I know of you here you have been through so much and much more than you've shared with us as difficult here. You are a highly intelligent and caring person. Please koko , until you come out of this awful illness. Glad you can share whatever you can with us. Sending a hug and love.

Love to all BDs.x

HVDY can’t believe your balloon ride has been cancelled again. I know it’s been cancelled many times. Didn’t realise it was 2 years ago they bought it though.
Like you I didn’t work until my youngest was 16. Stay at home mum. I liked being at home with our sons.
That’s a long time to wait for your food. Good job it was worth it. What did you have?

Doodle DH and I can manage 2 days (with the day inbetween Chubby Chops going to DIL's mum (she sees her roughly once a month at the moment). DH carries baby, she's too heavy for me to do so safely. You are doing well, it's very early days yet, and the feelings you get are normal. Balloon ride cancelled again (8 times now) and re-booked for the end of July (the earliest date available). When our sons bought it (Red Letter Days), they had no idea it'd be like this. We've been waiting just over 2 years.

SweetpeaSue I gave up work when I was expecting Son1, I was 22 then. I didn't return to full-time work (split shifts) until Son2 was about 15. I've had LOTS of jobs (about 40 since I left school at 16). How about voluntary work? AgeUK, for example, need volunteers to visit elderly people who are housebound and/or lonely. I signed up for it but then became unwell myself.

Just been to our favourite local place for lunch - it was absolutely packed and our food took an hour to arrive. It was good, though, but I've had to rearrange my hair appointment, so I'm going later.

Hope ALL BDers are ok x

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HVDY are you up for looking after Chubby Chops two days a week. It’s a big commitment but it will be lovely seeing her grow.
Can’t wait to see if you’ve done your balloon ride. 😊
Ellie Anne not feeble. You sound depressed which is very understandable given your circumstances. It’s worth trying a walking group where you can walk a bit and talk a bit if you like. Could you not reconsider ADs?
Sweetpeasue I had no idea how you lived. Not working since 18 and being at home all the time. I didn’t work for many years when my sons were young and I did feel lonely during the day.
It’s hard to socialise with others if you’re not normal an outgoing personality. I am very shy and find small talk difficult. I am trying to be more outgoing but it’s not easy.
Wyllow people tell me I’m doing well. I’m not so sure. Tears come very easily but also real panic. It passes after a while then I can be ok for a bit but there are periods every day when it’s so hard. I think only we know what’s going on inside us. We can appear different outwardly.
Ah yes the mind not resting. That I know very well. I find it hard to concentrate on anything at the moment yet can’t be still. I can’t concentrate on anything .
zakouma don’t worry about trying to catch up with us all. It’s fine you don’t know everything just come in and tell us about yourself. You can say as much or as little as you want. No judgement here.

Morning BD folk. Sorry I've missed a lot of back stories here that bring us to this place. Myself , I had serious PND and a predisposition to mood disorder. God knows I've put the effort and money in over the years to assisting my recovery.

I wonder where other people are up to... what works and what doesn't.
Best Wishes BD folk.

EllieAnne You don't sound feeble at all, but very depressed and lonely. There isn't an easy solution, but antidepressants could help with the MH side of things (a lot of us here are on them). It's more of a challenge to get out and meet people or join groups as we get a bit older (I've found that myself), but after that initial first time, it can lead to new friendships. The underlying problem, though, is your unhappy home life, and nobody else can help you with that.

SweetpeaSue I hadn't realised you hadn't worked since you were 18. I lack confidence, too, since I stopped working (after the stroke). The day centre place I go to has all older people apart from 1 my age, but the workers are my age and younger. I want to change my life a bit and join things (where to start?). What would you like to be able to do?

Wyllow3 It's hard to koko when feeling very low. Perhaps just try to get through 1 thing at a time, day by day. Today, hair wash, for example, then another day, a nice bubble bath, or wear a bright colour. Little things.

It's meant to be the hot air balloon ride this afternoon (we've been waiting for over 2 years, it kept being cancelled due to rain/wind/fog/wet ground). We'll see, I've got to ring at 1pm to find out if it's happening. Love to ALL BDers x

Hello and welcome to Zakouma and your difficult decision whether to go on meds to see if it helps.

HVDY and Scardeycat If Ex continued would ask the monthly worker what to do as blocking also would cause guilt. It was so horrid as he was/is ill. But yes, it’s an option and thank you for hugs. I cant imagine not checking in here each day.

I know if I post a bit more people say I’m getting better but the long times each and every day when truly I wouldn’t trust myself if I had the means to - well - nuff said - do not go away. I’m getting physically exhausted as my mind never rests. It’s twisted - I resent cooking or washing or self care. didnt used to be like that. I hide and don't want to go out looking as I do.

There is a limit to what we can say on BD. But It does mean when people speak of those moments of despair we really understand each other in acknowledging how hard it is to koko.

Yes Doodle those nights and the emptiness, and Ellie Anne as in what is the point - and others in those moments. Ellie Anne you/we are not feeble its the illness speaking

It’s good to have chubby chops HVDY around and in here and paintings and other positive everyday victories to read about here too. Very important.

Whiff it will never be something you can really understand - just hope as you must things will change one day.
Totally agree with you about PIP. Rubbish completely unworkable ideas floating about.

Sweetpeasue you just carryry on being your own self its natural for you to be an introvert if thats what suits.

Night night to all BD’s and those not in I havent said hello to today.

HVDY Yes, nothing wrong with being an introvert, I agree. Just that I can't go to hairdressers. I could never go to swimming baths. I waited 15 yrs with misted up windows because I didn't want workers in house. So many things I can't do. Have been on my own looking out of house windows for last 40 yrs while DH went to work. I've not worked since I was 18. Such a long time to be out of society and mixing with people. I don't believe I'm unintelligent or in some way have a severe MH condition.
I've just spent a long time, apart from my book group, where all are older than myself, not mixing with people.

Hvdy I am too low. It’s too much effort to make conversation and I have to be careful what I share as had some hurtful responses..
I have looked into u3a and will again also walking groups but I don’t feel able to just now.
I sound very feeble don’t I ?

EllieAnne It seems that your 'usual activities' are helping to block the loneliness out. It's a good strategy though it's also not dealing with real reason for your loneliness which I believe is your home situation. I wish I knew the answer as I know you'd rather stick with that than go through the turmoil of any alternative with all its difficulties. Living like this is causing tremendous strain on your MH as well, I'm sure, on physical health. I feel so very sad for you -it must wear you out .
It's worth thinking about rambling groups or such. I wish I could help. Take care of yourself.
Doodle Oh I do feel for you. Are you able to talk with friends who have been through the loss of their husbands ? The ADs may take a while longer before they help. I hope they can liftyou just a little . I wonder if Amitriptyline might help sleep a little- don't think it has the addictive effects of trad sleeping tablets. Worth mentioning to GP if you continue with the early morning waking.
Thanks Doodle, my DH has had stabbing in temples today then the thick foggiest and fatigue today. He asked me to take over driving from garden centre.
Sending you so much love ❤️ x

SweetpeaSue You're perhaps an introvert - nothing wrong with you. It took me years to realise that I'm an introvert. You say you lack confidence, so how about looking at some confidence-building or assertiveness exercises online? I isolate myself, too, and am becoming too reliant on my husband, which isn't fair on him (although he doesn't complain). I'm going to try to join something/get a hobby.

EllieAnne What is stopping you from contacting your friends? Is it that you feel low? Or U3A, W.I. or similar groups? I need to start joining things.

Doodle When you wake up in the early hours, do you read or do you do anything? My pain is slightly less today, thanks, although I haven't really done anything. I painted 3 fence panels (sat down to do them) but then it rained (and rained most of the day).

DH out with both sons - Son2 picked him up and came in for a quick chat. DIL is going back to work in September, 2 days working from home, 1 day in the office. and has asked us to look after Chubby Chops 2 days (other Gran will do the other day). I need to get fit for that, as she'll be 15 months and walking by then. . Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

Ellie Anne I get that. Trouble is we have to go on. I’m sitting here now when I used to sit quietly with DH and not feel lonely but now the silence is different. I don’t feel peaceful. Loneliness is awful. Could you join the local ramblers and perhaps go for weekly walks with them. Have you looked up a website Sport in mind to see if they’re doing anything in your area. I thought I might try tai Chi or the short walks.
Zakouma66 as other have said, welcome. I have been on ADs for 2 weeks now. I’m hoping they will make a difference.
Sweetpeasue I’m so pleased you’ve moved on a bit and sound more positive. It’s good the Ads have helped. How has your DH been today?
Scaredycat yes I do have lighter periods during the day but sometimes the days seem so long. Like*Ellie Anne* I look forward to a drink then bed. Trouble is I wake at 3,30 most days and then my mind takes over ruminating on things. Wouldn’t it be good if we could have an off switch for a while.
I’m glad you and your sister are close, good for you to be able to support each other.
HVDY
Have you felt any better today? Had more energy? Hope you get your x Ray soon. It’s a shame you can’t do your exercise but it’s best to keep safe.
Wyllow I’m with the others. Can’t you block him. you’ve made a bit of progress and I’d hate for you to go backwards because of him.
Whiff I’m so sorry about the situation with your son. It’s awful how he can cut you off like that. The thread on GN is very supportive. Like this one, it’s good to have people around you who know what you’re going through.

Sweet pea sue I am quiet too but I feel as if I am becoming more insignificant every day. I’ve not spoken to anyone today apart from dh and that was only a few words. I don’t feel up to arranging to meet friends and my usual activities have stopped. Choir stops this week too.
I went for a walk this morning then sat in a cafe with a cup of tea and a book.
Really what is the point?

Zakouma66 Welcome. Sorry you have been feeling so low and depressed. I well remember the first time of being clinically depressed and it, too was after I'd had my babies. Taking a used cup upstairs and realising I was putting it amongst clothes in the airing cupboard.
Not taken ADs for quite a long time but after starting them around 4 or 5 mths ago feeling so much better. It's really wearying , not wanting to face day after day. An appt with a kind GP might be able to help . Take care.
Whiff Going without is something we've always had to do when times are tough and I well remember the 15% mortgage interest rate- it nearly destroyed us but we got through. You have wise words .
Scaredycat I can see how close you are to your much loved sister and can understand how such an awful experience would draw you together. It must be a very special relationship and you seem so close to all your DGC . It must have taken great courage and strength to live your lives.x
Wyllow Please do not let your ex bring you down further. I wonder if you can block his emails as HVDY has suggested.
He has done enough damage and broken your trust and heart. Save all your strength for putting yourself back together- and it will need all your strength.
You are right -I have come so far.
Hope everyone is OK * HVDY*Nadateturbe**Candy**Allsorts**Nanny
Special thoughts and sending love and a hug to Doodle

Saw people running this group thing-Steps to Recovery programme. Plan says to 'see yourself as a person ,not someone with MH difficulties' Said I'd go to first week but have so many doubts. I've 'moved on' so much I'm not sure about it. Since Psycholgist sessions finished ,felt an anchor lifted and bit scary , but he told me I could call MH team any time I felt wobbly. There's still things I can't do as need confidence but does that mean I need more help? Not sure it does. I'm a quiet person but still get lonely as I isolate myself. Decisions.


*

Wyllow- would it be possible to change your Email address?
Your Ex cannot keep on still trying to blame you and wear away at your confidence. It is not your fault he continues to make a mess of his life. I,m glad you have one worker you can be totally open with. Although you probably don’t feel it I think you are making progress slowly. Sending encouraging hugs.
Zakouma66- welcome - you will find kindness and understanding here. That old dog needs to be given the elbow. I think it might be a good idea to resume the ADs - better than waiting til you feel like you did before. I went on them for the first time last year and it has made such a difference. Nice to have you here.
Whiff- every time you post you amaze me with your experiences and insight.
Nadateturbe- how are you?
Doodle- thinking of you and hoping you’re managing to get some sleep and eating ok. Take care of yourself xx
Candy,EllieAnne, Nanny, SweetPeaSue and all wishing you a peaceful night.xx

zakouma66 glad you found this thread a lot of help, understanding,support and most importantly of all friendship. I came with what was a trivial thing but everyone made me feel welcome and you haven't been able to shut me up since . I ramble but that's me in real life.

I hope you stay and what advice you are given helps you.

For those who asked my son dumped all over side of the family. My daughter and daughter in law never got when they first met in 2005. And things had been bad between my daughter and son for years due to his letting me down at times and my daughter in laws jealousy of what my daughter and son in law have. I don't mean love but material things.

My husband and I had the same problem with my brother's second wife. She was very jealous of the fact we had more even though my brother worked hard and earned a good salary but she spent money like it was going out of fashion.

My brother is very hurt by my son and wanted to sort him out but told him no . In his words what did the xxxx did I ever do to him.

But I am very proud of both couples. Because their dad died when they were 20 and 16 they have achieved all they have on their own. Both couples brought their own houses saving while renting. Paid for their own weddings. As I have never been in the position to help them financially. But we never had any help and saved for years to buy our first house we never rented . The phrase I hate is the bank of mom and dad. It wasn't easy for us to buy our first house in 1980. Got married year later. Some will remember when mortgage interest rates when to 15% but we never missed a payment .

I don't think it does children any harm to achieve things themselves. It's just some want things now and think they can have it without going without holidays abroad ,new cars etc . But if you want your own home and nice things them you have to work, save and make sacrifices. I am sure all here have had to do that . But it gives you a sense of achievement and you are beholden to no one .

I started a thread on health forum titled PIP it's about the green paper trying to replace cash payments for vouchers , catalogues and grants . When it's cash we need to pay bills and what help we need. If you feel able there is an online form you can fill in to try and stop it. I have said where you can find the link to it. I saw it a week ago think it was in a online newspaper article but can't remember. Anyway the Brain Charity have put the link on their Facebook page after I told them about it.

zakouma66See how you go, but there's no shane in taking antidepressants to help you through. Best wishes.

Thanks, I have them lined up. Just I know they make me feel rough for a few weeks.

I recall feeling so bad that I would have banged on the GP's door and demanded help ( at one time). Don't feel in that place at the moment.

Wyllow3 Is there a way that you could block his emails? He sounds so resentful but you aren't responsible for the way his life is. Don't let him drag you down.