Black Dog 22

If you can manage without anything, fair enough

I wonder if there is more to life than " managing" . Rather a selfish thought perhaps.

So glad somebody has taken you seriously and listened Sweetpea. I think that is half the battle ( may be more) in life in general. People can't fix things, but just to be heard is so vaildating.

Hope everybody has a reasonable day.

True Zakouma66 we aim for happiness/enjoyment but there are times when we must settle for managing and making the most of it and waiting for better times with hope.x
Validation is so important too. I know from personal experience and speaking with others who have M.E (CFS)

I hope your day is pleasant x

Zacouma66. Of course, there's more to life than managing, but sometimes all we can do is manage with whatever happens in life. I know I certainly wouldn't have coped with certain situations without antidepressants - particularly when I wasn't able to see any of my family for 6 weeks (and stuck in a hospital miles from home too), unable to stand or walk. I thought I'd never get home.

Zakouma66 are you saying it's selfish to manage the best way we can ?

I manage to get through everyday because of my husband and the promises I made to him. Is that selfish? Of course its bloody not it's how I have lived the last 20 years without him . All the things I have done since he died I choose to do even looking after his vile mother who I hated for 40 years. Because I couldn't abandon her she was his mom and our children's nan. Even though she denied having a son or grandchildren. Every single day until the last 2 days of her life when she was unconscious. I stayed by that woman's bed for 15 hours each day her brother and sister in law turned up once she was dead. And then did that catholic thing round her dead body. It was November and thick snow on the ground and snowing. In front of the nurses he said I am not taking you home and they walked off. The nurses said that was awful I said it's the way we had always been treated. Tye first day I sat with her a nurse said I must love her but told her I hated the very bones of her and asked me why I was there. I said because I am doing for my husband and no one should die on there own and she was still family.
It was 2.30am when I left the hospital and got a taxi home.

I have done a lot of things on my own . Until I moved here I wasn't happy and had no life I existed. Even though disabled I couldn't not look after people who depended on me. And it cost me healthwise but I managed to do all I did because I loved my parents and my husband.

So is that selfish.

Whiff 💐💐💐

Whiff On the contrary, you've been selfLESS

SweetpeaSue How did your husband get on today?

Doodle How has your day been? Did you go out at all?

Wyllow3 I hope your day has been ok .

DH and I had Chubby Chops from 10.30 - 5.30. It was very nice. Bought her some toys, ready for her birthday at the end of the month, then to a park, then a garden centre and back here for an early tea. I'm in absolute agony with my hips (certain bending/moving positions feel as though something is trapped). DH just gone out with Son1, so I'm going to have a rest. Hope ALL BDers have a restful evening x

Sorry folks I seem to have got myself in a tangle here. I'm not saying anybody is selfish, not at all. I was musing if me wanting " more" was selfish.

Whiff What HVDY said is true.💐

Feel ashamed when others are managing despite their illnesses/troubles but just not able to post to all tonight.

Sent to Eye Casualty for eye tests this morning -like A&E triage system so couldn't see Dr till afterwards. Then back to Emergency Day ward -waiting for Rheumatologist but didn't come. Waiting ,waiting. Good news no eye damage so far. Nurse says Dr doesn't want to diagnose GCA without Rheumatologist diagnosis as blood inflammatory markers normal! Well they were normal for his Polymyalgia, they can be, but Rheumatologist diagnose Polymyalgia anyway.
Nurse said ward Dr says to go on 30mg prednisone for 2 weeks and he should see Rheumatologist then. If he doesn't hear anything in a week he's to ring them and remind them that Rheumatologist Consultant said he wanted to see him in 2 weeks. Have googled if you can have GCA with normal inflammatory markers and yes, you can. His were normal when diagnosed with Polymyalgia too. His temple area extremely sensitive when lightly pressed, veins stand out, tender scalp, blurred vision in left eye occasionally and severe fatigue. He looks ill. I'm devastated but hope the 30mg will help. Should be 40 to 60 for GCA.
Don't feel well with pounding palpitations so need to rest. Sent message to MH worker as was meant to attend group thing today.

Hugs to Doodle and much love to all.

HVDY that's awful. I wonder do you need to see someone about your hip. You've had a lovely day, but certainly busy. Feet up time!
Zakouma66 I think we're allowed to be a little selfish, and want more than just existing, but as I say, sometimes we have to be content with less. I hope you're OK today.x

Oh HVDY So sorry about your pain. Hope some painkillers will help or Ibuprofen. Heat?
Zakouma66 Not to worry , its OK. I understood. Hope you're OK today.
*

Whiff you were wonderful, I couldn't have done all you did.

Sweetpeasue it's good that DH is being attended to at long last. And appointment isn't a long wait. Have a little glass of something and a good rest. Do some breathing for the palpitations. They're obviously stress related. xx
Sending love and hugs Doodle.

Aw thanks Nadateturbe I think I will. Take care of yourself.
Thanks all.

Scaredycat it’s funny but because DH was so ill for so many years I always thought of making some videos. It’s because I have such a bad memory and i cannot picture things like some people do. It’s lovely to be able to hear his voice and laugh.
How lovely you’re going to spend time with your sister. Do you still face time a lot?
HVDY it’s interesting what you said about Sketchers. I’ve often seen them and thought they were very light and looked comfy. I must try a pair. I took back the shoes I bought for the funeral today. I never wore them. Too tight and uncomfortable so I went in flats. I’ve been really busy today. Went into town this morning to get some cash from the bank, take the shoes back and buy some food. This afternoon was another paperwork day. It seems never ending but at least I’ve got all the car stuff sorted.
Ellie Anne how was bible study? Are there many who go.
I love the sea. Could watch it for ages. It was cold here too. Sun was out but quite a breeze,
Sweetpeasue at last you’re being taken seriously. I know it’s an awfully long wait but good if you get a positive outcome.
Good news about your DHs eyes. You must be totally exhausted. Well now you have good reason to be seen by Rheumatologist in the next two weeks. Hopefully the appointment will give you a real diagnosis. Hope you both sleep well tonight.
Wyllow I am on antidepressants. I was for the last week or so with DH and have just carried on. They are what I was taking years ago and they helped then so hoping they will help now. I’m a bit scared to try the diazepam in case I need them too much. I’ve only got a limited number anyway. About 14 I think. They obviously don’t want me on them for long.
Also waiting for surgery on my lung so trying not to take extra stuff that might hinder my breathing. How have you been today. Did you get dressed?
nadateturbe Amitriptyline is for pain though isn’t it. I think you would continue to be prescribed that but I don’t think the Gp would continue giving me diazepam.
ME is so hard to cope with. Trouble is you don’t outwardly look different to anyone. If you had a broken leg they would sympathise but when you look ok people don’t understand you might have real problems.
zakouma I think I understand what you meant. Not that anyone here was being selfish but that you thought you might be being selfish yourself by wanting more. That’s how I read your post.
Whiff you have certainly not been selfish. I don’t know many who would have done all that you did for your family.
HVDY it can’t be Chubby Chops birthday soon can it? I can’t believe she’s nearly a year old. It only seems a couple of months ago she was born. I love shopping for little children. The things you can buy are such fun these days. We bought our granddaughter a sit on fire engine for her first birthday. She used to store biscuits under the seat so she could eat them later,🤣
Sweetpeasue no need to feel ashamed. We all have times when we don’t have the energy to post. You must be worn out. Please rest well and I hope you both have a good night.

Phew, Doodle. Thankfully you got my meaning. The written word has its limitiations.

Take Care everybody.

Zakouma66 Like you, I'd like more to my life (I'd like the life I had 4 years ago), but I just plod on and do what I can, when I can, and try to enjoy the little things in life.

SweetpeaSue I'm glad your husband is going to be seen in a couple of weeks. Hope the Prednisolone help a lot. Good news that his eyes are ok. Sit and relax, if you can, and perhaps have a glass of wine. I've taken a Codeine tablet, but will go to bed very early (about 9ish).

nadateturbe I saw the GP a week ago, she said she'd arrange an x-ray, and I completed an online physiotherapy assessment - I'm still waiting to hear about both. The Codeine prescribed was "1 or 2, every 4 hours" (I've been taking 2 or 3 a DAY) but she only prescribed 28. I contacted the surgery at 8am, asked for another prescription. Nobody contacted me. How are your eyes today?

Doodle You've had a productive day. Have you had a date about having the operation? The Sketchers I've got are Slip-ins (advertised on tv) and SO comfortable. Mine are pink marl. We bought Chubby Chops a sit-on train thing from Smyths, as well as a couple of other things. I smiled at you saying your GD stored biscuits in hers, as our sons both did that.

Going to get ready for bed, so I hope everyone has a good sleep x

HVDY I hope you get the xray soon, better to know what it is before having physio. GPs are so careful about prescribing codeine but you really need them. Hope you get a script tomorrow. You can but them OTC, but they're not as strong.
I didn't realise C Chops birthday is soon. Where did that year go??
Doodle those videos of DH are lovely to have, I'm sure you're so glad you thought of it.
Will you have your operation soon? I'm glad you have your boys to help and look after you.
Amitriptyline is an AD, but it's given for pain and insomnia as well. It works very well for me in small doses. I try to make do with camomile. Skechers are very lightweight and comfy. Heels are very uncomfortable. I don't know why ladies wear them. My daughter refuses.
I love your story of your GD storing the biscuits. Aren't children delightful.
Thanks for your understanding. I hope you manage to sleep tonight. xx

Goodnight everyone, hoping it's a peaceful one for you. xx

Have caught up but just cant write tonight. Thank you for kind thoughts

Night night BD's

Zakouma66 sorry if I got your meaning wrong. And no it's not selfish if you want more. I well remember shouting out loud after my husband died this shouldn't be my life. But all the things I have done putting others first is because that's how I was brought up. Plus I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do all the things I have . We all have a conscious and know what we can or cannot do to live with ourselves. I am not angel and did resent at times looking after my mother in law but I couldn't not do it. It's just who I am .

Most people put others first but it costs us physically and mentally but it's how we live with ourselves.

When my mom's dementia killed her but her body lived I hoped every morning she had died during the night . It's sounds wicked but my mom would have hated what she became . When she started to forget she said don't let me go do alley tap meaning mad. But explained what was happening to her and I couldn't stop it but I would always look after her. I always had Christmas up here once my daughter and son in law had their own house a year after they got married before that she came to me and my son came for new year. My brother had mom for the day until she came to live with me the last 18 months of her life so she had a 4 day Christmas with them while I had my break. She had a lovely time at Christmas and said to my brother is it ok if I die in your bed he said yes if that's what you want . She didn't but she didn't remember saying . She lived another 2 months. But she was only violent with me but it wasn't my mom . It was fear that's causes the violence mom didn't know how she was ,where or who anyone was she thought I was her mom . She told me everyday I love you mom even after attacking me. Dementia took everything from my mom but she remembered what love was and always let me know when she needed the commode so never wet or soiled herself. That was her fear she would.

Everyone here puts and has put others first and it costs healthwise.

Wanting more Zakouma66 isn't selfish but how I have achieved that is because I manage and managing the best way we can is how we get through everyday. If people need antidepressants to get through the day then that's what they need. Life is one step forward and at times 2 steps back before you can go forward again. But all here do go forward not matter how many times they go back.

I really don't know how some of you cope but your courage and strength shines through everyday even when you don't think it does . I see it so do others .

It took me until I was 61 to live the life for me and that's because I moved here. I found myself again . Jaundice was my wake up call my life had to change took me 2 years to move here but I did it. I live a full life and no longer just exist as I did before. It's not been plain sailing but I love my life and myself.

Everyone who is on Black dog is a survivor and battles everyday to have a life they want . I liken grief like walking through treacle and you all have walked and walking through treacle to get better than you where but it's very sticky stuff to wade through and pulls you back at times.

Those of you looking after loved ones you put them first and you know how much it has impacted on your own health. But like me you couldn't not do it.

Those of you struggling on your own do so to protect your loved ones. And it is costing you a high price healthwise . I wish you could tell them how you feel but understand why you can't. And getting some help in other ways .

Someone mentioned Amptriplyine for pain . I have been taking 10mg twice a day since 1992 for nerve.pain I upped it to 3 a day last year and it has helped pain wise. Friends at my craft group who have fibromyalgia also taken it for nerve pain . It can make some people drowsy but never has with me. Like at lot of tablets it's duel purpose on a higher dose it's an anti depressant .

I think that's why I didn't suffer as others did when I had shingles . I got the anti virals within 24 hours of having the rash and already on tablets for nerve pain plus other painkillers I got off lightly.

Doodle concentrate on getting fit for your operation. I know you have said you don't feel like eating but you must to get have the energy to get through what lies ahead and you know Mr D would be nagging you to look after yourself.

Sweetpeasue glad you are being listened to and Mr S getting help he needs .

Wyllow just take it one day at a time . So pleased when you say you have been out but like I said it's that darn treacle that can pull you back . But the main thing is you keep going forward and fighting.

I haven't forgotten the rest of you and have read what you are going through but stay strong and keep fighting and manage the best way you can . You will win in the end . Big hugs to you all.

Very thoughtful post indeed Whiff.

As an aside, I have a weird habit of thinking people can see my thoughts ( in real life) so typing them is even worse!

It's an odd feeling.

Texting has its limitations Zakouma66. I sometimes put a smiley emoji to show I nean something nicely. It's so easy to be interpreted wrongly.
I don't imagine people read my thoughts, but I often start a conversation which is following on from my thoughts forgetting people haven't heard me thinking. Iykwim.
I'm exhausted today. Cardio checkup yesterday. Car park was only £1 for all day, which is good. Nothing has changed, on list for echo although consultant thinks I'm fine. . No art today, but that's OK.
Hope everyone is all right.

zakouma66 I hope people can't see my thoughts in real life . I often think people are saying and thinking very derogatory things about me, but that's a different matter. I wouldn't be able to have physio until the pain is under control - last night was terrible, so I had 2 Codeine this morning and now feel really tired. I cancelled my nail appointment. It's a very lazy day today - cinema at 4. The car parking was VERY cheap at £1. It's £2 for 1-2 hours where we are. I'm glad your consultant is happy with you at the moment.

It's a dull, grey day. DH put the new shrubs in the garden (we bought 3 yesterday). Need to find plants for the small, but colourful pots that will hang from the fence. Hope everyone is ok x

You'll need a coffee before cinema HVDY.
What are you going to see?