Black Dog 22

Evening all. Feeling low tonight. One of those what’s the point days. I have so much going for me more than many others but sometimes it’s all too much effort for no joy. I spend my time doing things just to keep me going. I’m just sad so much of the time. I know you all care and I’m grateful even if that doesn’t come over.
Glad you took your videos Sweetpeasue keep them safe,
HVDY can’t really have a pet. I spend too much time out and we’re not really allowed pets here. I would like a little dog but have lost 3 over the years and right now can’t cope with any more heartache.
I’m not too bad at coming home to an empty flat it’s the times (like now) when I should be relaxing but feel too stressed to be able to do so.
How lovely to have Chubby chops twice a week. She’ll keep you on your toes, 😊
Nice your sons children like to show you what they’re wearing and make up and things.
Wyllow glad you got on ok at the dentist. Thanks for the hug I need it today,
Candy your caravan site sounds lovely and peaceful.
Glad you feel happier now. Being busy in retirement is different to being busy at work. Not sure I can cry it out either. Crying doesn’t seem to give me any relief just makes my stomach and ribs ache.
Ooh nice to spend time with your son and family, hope you enjoy a good weekend.
Oh dear Sweetpeasue what a let down with your husband’s appointment. That is an awful shame. Not surprised you’re down about it especially as you’ve both not had a good day.
Your not moaning, (goodness knows I’m doing enough) you’re upset and worried and it’s not fair. Hope that cancellation comes through soon.

Candy Hope you have a great time in Hertfordshire meeting up with family. Sounds as if there's plenty to do down there and you can enjoy a different pace than your caravan trips. Thought about the air fryers, there's plenty around, but my kitchen being so small puts me off a bit. Mt son's previous dog was a labradorite and gorgeous but hair moulting was a lot of work after having him.
HVDY Hope painwise today was like yesterday. The dog is my son and his wife's and her mum used to have her a lot while her daughter worked and son was away working. Just trying to ease the burden a bit. I often have an early bath and like to get comfy on an evening. We can still sit in the garden ,me in my night clothes. Hope you can get the day changed to a Monday at day centre.
Wyllow Thankyou for your best wishes for DH . Oh I'm so glad you managed the Dental appt . My DH once had a tooth 'built up' but my own dentist doesn't seem to do things like that. I think they're so busy and even the root canal I needed I was sent somewhere else. Hope your day today hasn't been too bad and your tum is settled.

Hope all BDs have had a decent day.

After going out for a shop and coffee DH was feeling awful and when we got home he took some aspirin and browsed on his phone to find the appt that had been changed, only yesterday with secretary, had been cancelled from 20th August and moved back to September!
He phoned the secretary, who was sorry and said a letter had been posted to us about the change and that it was because the consultant in other hospital would be on call. Because the consultant he was meant to see last week had gone abroad to do work in the navy , leaving dept short, other Dr's needing to do on call- or something like that. All secretary can do is put him down for any cancellations. We are so down and it came at a time today when DH felt he was so tired he kept stopping ,then home to find this.
He's had the thick head and breathlessness. We both went to bed this afternoon as I've not been sleeping well and DH exhausted.
Can only hope for cancellation now . Sorry for the moan.
Take care everyone.

Hi all, just had a catch up.

Wyllow I’m glad you’ve got a care worker in place at last. I hope you get on with them ok. It’s good that you are pushing yourself to get out a little and maybe having the care worker will help you progress a bit further. Glad you got the tooth sorted and hope it’s not painful now.
HVDY re. my caravan - no the site doesn’t have any entertainment on. It’s a quiet site (mainly older people) but it does have lovely sea views with the beach and a couple of pubs within walking distance. We did look at the sites that were family oriented as that would have been better for GS but the annual site fees were so expensive and the sites weren’t really for us. Sounds like you had a bad meal at the day centre - I like salads but they have to be a bit more exciting than that! Glad the pudding was good. Hope you can change your day as it would be a shame for you to miss out. It’s good you will have a break between having chubby chops. We love having our GS but the problem is there is only us to have him which can be a bit much at times but that’s just the way it is and like I said, we do love him to bits.
Sweetpeasue yes, you are right, I am just as busy now as when I was in work, just doing different things but at least I’m happier. I’m glad your DH has an appointment sooner but it’s frustrating having to fight for these things and fight I think is the correct word, even battle, but at least you got there in the end. Well done making bread. Something I want to try. I’ve invested in an air fryer and so far, I’m happy with it. I know you can make bread in them, something I will try. Good luck with the dog. I have a cockapoo and I love him to bits. At least you’ll have no dog hairs in your house as mine doesn’t shed.
Ellie Anne lovely words. Fight on and like others have said, please seek help if it all becomes overwhelming for you. Some good suggestions been given re. groups to try. My main outlet is the gym. Not that I’m super fit or anything but exercise is so good for MH and I’m lucky that the gym I belong to is one that’s used by a lot of older people. I was worried when I joined that it would be a lot of young, super fit people in Lycra but that’s not the case. Lots are older than me and they seem to cater the classes around that. I do as little or as much as I can. I hope you too find an outlet for yourself as it really can make a big difference.
Whiff kind words as always ❤️.
Scaredycat I’m glad you’ve got over your lockdown experience. Lots of people found it hard and many people suffered. Let’s hope it never happens again. I was fortunate that I worked some of it as I took a temporary job doing “track and trace” - a system which had mixed feelings surrounding it but it did keep me focused and occupied. Ended up doing it for nearly 2 years. I’m glad your GGS is staying well. Treatments have come on a lot and I’m glad his infusions are helping him.
Doodle I hope today is a good one for you and you are managing to keep busy. You seem to be doing well but the times when you’re overwhelmed with sadness must be difficult for you. At least you can cry it out. When I was struggling a counsellor suggested that it was maybe due to me not being able to cry after losing my Mum. I don’t know whether that was true or not but I can never cry for long periods and I don’t know whether my sadness just wells within me.

I’m down in Hertfordshire seeing my DS and GF with my DD and DGS. We’re not far from London. I love it down here so I’m looking forward to a nice weekend - very different from my caravan. Take care all and hope you all have the best day possible xx

Wyllow3 Glad you got on alright at the dentist - I know you felt worried about going, so that's one hurdle you've managed. Well done. If I can't get a place at the Monday day centre, I simply won't go at all. There's no way I will miss out on seeing Chubby Chops. DIL is hoping to get her in at a nursery after Christmas, anyway.

Ellie Anne thinking of you xx

The dentist was Ok as she was nice. Average teeth but still my own…..dentist managed to reconstruct most of a tooth with these new materials they have - so no call for a crown.

Yes Scaredycat will try to walk and imagine you there!
Understand the reminders of bath frustrations just remind oneself of being agile before!

Now thats a day centre disappointment, HVDY, not up to the usual standard, thank goodness for the pudding. Glad to hear its been less painful - its a tough balance for you being ’doing or not doing”. Hope you can switch days for chubby chops.

I’d never dare to have to take care of a dog Sweetpeasue well done for helping out. Please pass on best BD wishes to DH.

Well put about that sense of purpose or “selfhood” - or lack of - Doodle Hugs coming your way.

Night night BD's coming in or not able to today xx

SweetpeaSue Glad your husband's headache hasn't been too bad today. Nice of you to help out with your DIL's mum's dog. Those types are like teddy nears, aren't they? Very pretty. I'm very surprised and pleased that I haven't had any pain today! I haven't taken any painkillers - but then again, I've sat about all day. I must do something tomorrow.

Doodle I'm glad you went out today and enjoyed it. It must be very difficult going back to an empty house (my brother finds that sad). Would/could you have a pet of some kind? A cat? The day centre place is open on Mondays and Thursdays. I've asked if I can start going on a Monday from September, as DH and I will be looking after Chubby Chops every Tues and Thurs when DIL will be working from home (her mum will do the childcare on Wednesday when DIL goes to the office.

I had a shower and got my pyjamas on at 6.30! Thought how cool it's been. Son1's girls video-called me at 8, showing me all their make-up and hair things . Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

DoodleYes, the cockapoo is lovely. We said we'd go and get her while DIL is at work and then take her back so she's not alone all day. I'm glad you've had a good day on the whole. I've taken a couple of videos of my DH tonight. We all care so much for you and are here for you however you're feeling. The longing sounds so very painful. Hope you will have company tomorrow. Just wish could take away your pain. Take care of yourself and love and a hug.

Sweetpeasue i also had swollen ankles from a BP med, Amlodipine I think. You’re right I love custard. Berry crumble sounds good too. My Ds has a cockerpoo too and they are lovely. So cuddly. Good your DH’s heads been better today,
Ellie Anne I can understand your point of view. We all need things to look forward to. A purpose, a reason for being here. I wish you had more happiness in your life. You obviously care a lot about your children and grandchildren. If you could just find some hobby or occupation that gave you a bit more enjoyment I’m sure it would help. Have you thought of an art class?
Scaredycat thank you for your kind words. I’ve had a good day today. Been out most of the day and enjoyed myself. Came home and felt desolate. I know what I’m going through is normal and so many others are suffering the same. I am having better days but the longing is still so painful.
What a lovely thought for Wyllow. Nice to think we could all walk together and keep each other company.
Wyllow hope your tummy is better now.
HvDY I remember you practicing getting down on the floor and up again. Hope you will be able to return to your normal fitness. I agree your lunch doesn’t sound of the usual quality is it just the once a week?
.

Wyllow Hope you've managed at the dentist and they have helped with the chipped tooth. You will feel so much better afterwards knowing the problem is being fixed but I understand it's going to be a big thing for you.
EllieAnne Those were reassuring words that we matter more than we think. You gave me something too as you led me to looking up the poet Whitney Hanson who'd written it. There are many poems that I really liked. You are cared about more than you know. I so hope you feel a little better today. You need to think more about yourself and do what you want that can help you enjoy your days. Please look after yourself ,we care.
Scaredycat Nice words to Wyllow -a lovely thought. I can't take any merit for the breadmaking really as my dough paddle does all the work. It does smell nice though but not great for my weight🫣 My blackbird hasn't been around as much lately. Think I served it's purpose of feeding its young and lessened it's work. It may be back when it gets colder.
HVDY Oh what a .miserable little salad. Love mixed berry crumble though (and Doodle likes anything with custard). Hope your pain has been more 'background' today. DH is already on highest doses of his 2 BP med and a statin.

Hope all BDs have been OK today.
I helped DH take some things to the tip. Called in at son's before he goes back to work. Well be helping out with their dog (bringing it to us for a few hrs 2dys a week) as her mum not well. She's a lovely little Cockapoo (hope that's how it's spelt!) DHs arm/ hand so painful today but his head pain not as bad.
Hope you've been OK Doodle/Nadateturbe and thinking of all BDs and those not in.

Wyllow3 That's a large chunk of the day to have toilet troubles. Hope your tum has settled down now. How did you get on at the dentist? I don't mind going but it's so expensive. I wish I had lovely teeth. It hasn't been the weather to be out walking anywhere today (raining here since about 11am)

EllieAnne Life IS worth living. Your grandchildren and family need you. We on BD all care.

ScaredyCat Thanks. I totter about like someone much older lately, but am still mobile, so it's a bonus. Before this hip problem, I used to practice getting down onto the floor then up again. I'll start doing that when I'm able to. How nice that your GGS is enjoying some food nowadays. Does he like anything in particular?

Hope ALL BDers have been alright today. I went to the day centre (DH dropped me off and picked me up). Lunch was disappointing (unusual). Bits of plain Iceberg lettuce, 1 cherry tomato, 2 slices of cucumber (that's not a salad, is it ), ham (I had a vegetarian thing in breadcrumbs), 4 new potatoes, boiled and plain. Pudding was nice - mixed berry crumble and custard.

Hi all.
EllieAnne- what lovely words. Yes who knows whose lives we have touched without knowing. The kindness of strangers is a powerful thing. As Wyllow says we want and love you and ther are others who do and will want you too. Please seek help if this dreadful feeling of hopelessness continues.
HVDY- great tha5 you could drive yesterday. Hope DH gets some answers from the moniter. I think my BiLwent to a sleep clinic.
I,m scared of slipping in the bath too- I don’t really like showers much. Makes me feel even older as I hang on to everything when I get out😩😩🛀🛁
Hope your pain stays in the background today too.
SweetPeaSue- yes we are proud of ourGGS- it’s great to see him enjoying his food.
Glad your DH has got an earlier appt- I should think so too.
Oh dear hope your bruises are going down a bit today. Perhaps you could get an anti slip mat for your bath.
You are so good to bake bread- makes me feel so lazy. It must smell lovely,in your kitchen when it’s baking. Does your blackbird have any crumbs?
Doodle- please keep posting when you are able but when you don’t feel like it just rest your mind. You are the least moany whingy person I know. You are brave and kind and always put others before yourself and we all love you.
Just know we are all here for you and if there is anything we can do to help you we will.
Wyllow- hope the dentist visit goes ok- what a big thing for you to have to do.
While I was walking early this morning I thought of you and thought wouldn’t it be nice if Wyllow was walking with me. So maybe when you have a little walk you can imagine one of us is with you- as we are in spirit. Just a thought.
Love to all- old and new. This is a kind place

It's hard to live with these feelings I know EllieAnne.....please go for help if it becomes critical...

we want and love you

Those words were me talking to myself. Since the weekend with dd I’ve wondered if it was worth going on

Followed your days and xxx

Thank you for the words, EllieAnne

6 hours tum stuff then TV just too tired but sending love to all BD’s, tomorrow its a really big thing for me getting out, to the dentist for the chunk out of tooth. (doesnt hurt, but suspect will be crown or something)

Night night all BD's x

Doodle Thanks. I've been ok actually, today. I even dove home from the hospital (only a couple of miles) without any pain. Only took 2 Anadin about an hour ago, nothing else all day. You certainly don't moan or winge, you're experiencing a terrible loss. You've always been such a source of advice and comfort to everyone on here. Post whenever you feel like it, or not, when you don't feel up to it.

SweetpeaSue I'm only Ramipril, the lowest dose. I felt dizzy for a week so the GP told me to take it at bedtime, and I've been ok since. Enjoy your drink .

Hope ALL BDers have a restful night x

HVDY Good that your pain isn't overwhelming today. Yes, does make sense. My own DHs ankles swelled with a BP med - can't remember which one and Rampiril gave him a constant cough. He's on 3 for BP but they'll not monitor his BP at present. Got feet up thanks so will take my medicine soon 😊
Doodle You put it so well about the mixed extremes of emotion in your days. I know you say you're not sure of posting 'these days' but that's what we're here for. Please don't think you can't come in- at the same time-dont think you have to if you don't feel like it. You've been there for all of us so much.
Hope you can sleep tonight. Xx

Sweetpeasue don’t worry about what you write to me. I know you all care. There aren’t any words that anyone can say really. This is something most of us will have to go through at some point and you just have to go with it.
You worry about your DH and do all you can to keep him safe.
So pleased you’ve got an earlier appointment. That is good news.
Yes you do need to take care. I was always worried about being ill so I couldn’t look after DH. Thank you for all your caring thoughts. Today’s been its usual mix of being ok and being dreadful. That’s what most days seem to be now.
Wyllow so glad some help is coming your way. Hope it is someone suitable that you get on with.
Good you got to the park today. Hope tomorrow isn’t as bad as you fear.
HVDY good your DH has the monitor, hopefully it will record what’s happening to him and maybe get some treatment. How have you been yourself.?
Scaredycat it’s good your DGS copes well with his treatment. What a brave chap. Glad the infusions are helping.
You are kind in what you’re saying to me but I just think I’m morning and whinging all the time. Not sure I should be posting when I feel like I do at the moment.
How have you been today? Are you still tired after your holiday excursions?
Ellie Anne what lovely words and so true. Hope it makes you feel better. We can help others in little acts of kindness that we might not even think of.
nadateturbe hope you haven’t been too tired today. Sending a hug.

SweetpeaSue Thanks. My pain has been there in the background, if that makes sense. I'm happy about that. I'm very pleased your husband has got an appointment earlier than planned. As patients, we shouldn't have to ask for things but I'm glad you did. I contacted the GP online this morning about DH's puffy feet and ankles (he can't get socks on) since he's been on Amlodipine for his BP - he's been like it for a few weeks and done nothing about it - they told him to stop that and they're prescribing Lercanidipine (That's the one that started my Vasculitis). Oh no, slipping in the bath is something I've done, a couple of times. I bought a bath board 2 weeks ago (it's across the bath but I've resisted using it yet, I only have showers though). Get your feet up, relax and have a medicinal vodka

Nadateturbe Thankyou so much. Just you keep resting and hope you're feeling better soon.
Scaredycat Ah your lovely brave little GGS. He is coping with his condition so well though he must get fed up and down about it at times. I'm so glad he is now able to eat and nourish himself. You must be very proud of him.Kind words to Doodle and so very true.
EllieAnne Thankyou for showing us that -such wise words and encouragement to keep going. I hope you've been coping with things ,I know you find holidays hard. Hopefully you will be having your share of warmer weather where you are.
Wyllow Your email paid off -good for you. It must be a bit daunting not knowing what the person will be like but so glad you have got a carer arranged. Oh yes, make sure they're not just a replacement. So good you managed to get some fresh air. Sorry about your tum though and hope you get some ease by tomorrow night.
HVDY Hope your pain hasn't been too bad today. Thank goodness something is now being done to help with your DHs sleep apnoea. Hope it won't be long before he gets some feedback from the results.
Doodle I do hope today has been better than yesterday. Sending you a big hug and much love. Your advice yesterday spot on. After ringing secretary several times DH got an answer and apparently the appt had been cancelled last minute as he'd been called away urgently for service as surgeon in Royal Navy. We knew from his title he was a captain. After listening to DHs symptoms he's been given an appt for 20th this month with another good Vascular consultant in another hospital of the same trust. It's much further away but we are just so pleased he will be seen.

Not a busy day today but made some bread and dropped off some at son's . He goes away for work tomorrow so I didn't go in . Just had a bath and trying to get up out of water is dicey(knee) and slipped. Water everywhere and bruises but no serious harm, than goodness. All I need. So conscious that I need to keep right for DH.

Hoping everyone is coping and have had a reasonable day . Take care all.x

Candy6 Thanks. DH has got the monitor to wear on his wrist tonight and has got to take it back to the hospital tomorrow.

EllieAnne Lovely words there, and so true. Be kinder to yourself.

I found this on fb today and because of the way I have been feeling it spoke to me so I am sharing it.

Hi all.
Candy- happy to see you again. Glad you,ve been able to enjoy some time at the caravan. It’s great that you can enjoy doing your own thing- I don’t mind either as I,ve been alone a lot due to DH work. Have a good day.
HVDY- you were busy yesterday - hope you’re ok today after all that hard work
My GGS can eat most things but he has to have infusions at the Hospital every few weeks which are helping him so much. He will have to have them for the rest of his life.
Hope yourDH gets on ok at Hospital- my BiL has sleep apnea and wears a CPAP every night - it’s been marvellous for him.
SweetPeaSue- what a mix up for your DH regards his appointment. I ageee with Doodle he needs an appt asap- not in 5 weeks time. It’s so good to hear of the improvement in your Depression/ Anxiety - it shows in your posts. Life’s hurdles will always be there t but you are now able to deal with them more rationally now. Thank goodness for the ADs - I feel exactly the same.
Whiff- Kind,supportive words for Doodle. Your DH was a wise ,kind man and his words to you full of love and hope.
Doodle- Ah it’s natural to feel so sad- even after a good day. It’s missing being able to chat with DH about what you,ve done. He would be so proud of you and how you are learning to live your new life. You have no self pity or complaining words just a brave lady dealing with so many new situations. Xxxxxx
Nadateturbe- love right back to you. Hope you and DH will soon feel better.
Wyllow- yes you need to know that your carer is not an Add On to your MH care. Hopefully she will turn out to be a good kind person who will help you regain your confidence over time.
Glad you walked in the park- it can’t be easy but if you could keep it up it would give you physical as well as mental strength. But I admire you so much for the effort.
Hope the toilet vigil doesn’t last too long!! KOKO. Xx
Love to all BDs old and new.

Doodle . Hope your day is better today.
Whiff Supportive words for Doodle there.
Wyllow3 You did well to have a walk in the park. A bit of fresh air can help sometimes. Hope your tum won't be too bad today.
Nadateturbe Hope you and you husband are feeling better.
SweetpeaSue, Candy6, ScaredyCat, EllieAnne, and ALL BDers - hope you are all ok.

DH is seeing old friends for breakfast today, then has a hospital appointment about the possibility of him having sleep apnoea - I suspect they'll give him a wrist monitor to wear, which will record his sleep patterns. Hope everyone has a decent day x

I’m impressed with you on the domestic front, HVDY

Oh Sweetpeasue - oh so sorry for you both on the canceled appointment. Thank goodness a F2F next week. I cant say how glad I am there’s been improvement on MH.

As thoughtful as ever, Whiff

Seeding virtual hugs Doodle specially for your bad day today xxx

Love back nadateturbe.

Had an email today saying carer can start in 2 weeks, I think I prompted them to set too on it. She can come for 2 weeks then has 2 weeks off holidays and I dont know anything about here except 10 years experience so feeling I need to find out more - we might not get on..also make sure that MH people regard it as an addition not an “instead”.

Short walk in park. It does make a wee difference,
alas tomorrow is going to have to be a stay by the loo 6 hours or so.

So sorry about your husband's appointment Sweetpeasue.
Sending love to everyone xx