Black Dog 22

Doodle Thankyou that's exactly what we plan to do. Have talked to DH today about it. Oh I'm so sorry for that awful pain and crying Doodle , I really am. So kind of Whiff to post with concern for you as she's been through it. I keep trying to write to you and deleting sentences as I don't know what to say
I feel for you so much. The sobs from the core of your being are a physical pain like no other. I'm just so very sorry.
I hear what you are saying about videos.
Sending a hug and think of you often throughout the days.xx

Sorry , can't write more tonight. Just come back from son's so very tired and DH not great today.
Hope everyone has peaceful night and wishing all peace of mind especially. Life can be so very hard . Love to all.

Sweetpeasue so pleased you feel your depression and anxiety is better. It comes over in your posts too.
How very annoying your DHs telephone consultation has been cancelled. I would phone the consultants secretary and explain your DH’s circumstances and tell them how worried you are. Try and get another appt asap. Can’t believe how many times your DH has been let down by the NHS.
HVDY yes DH’s brother. It’s the first time I’ve seen them since DH’s funeral. Yes he misses DH too. Hard for us all.
Nice you took your SIL out. I bet she appreciated it. Hope you had a good meal.
You’ve had a busy day all that housework and gardening. 😊
Scaredycat I’m so pleased that you can now go places and holidays without getting distressed. Lockdown was awful for us all and it left us feeling vulnerable. Who’d have thought you could have done your recent trip visiting all the family.
So pleased for you.
Candy hope you had a lovely time at the caravan. Take those videos now before you forget. Maybe you have a good memory and ability to recall things and can rely on that but I don’t so need to be able to see DH, his smile and laugh and his voice to bring me comfort.
Wyllow hope your email sours someone into action, I hope you get the help you need.
Whiff you are right it is so hard. I had a really busy day today. Early start, out and about most of the day and thought I was doing well, then came home and had a complete meltdown. My ribs hurt constantly from the crying. I do have better days when I am ok for hours. I have DH’s photos on my phone. I’m so sorry you don’t have recordings of your DH but glad you can still remember things he said. I have a huge memory problem and have always known I would struggle that’s why I have always taken videos of DH.
Thanks for always being so supportive.
Nadateturbe hope you’ve had a restful day and felt ok

Sweetpea Sue I've messaged you x

Sorry to tired to write in answer to your posts. Doodle I am glad you have videos of your husband. I haven't got any or anything with my husband's voice on. Dieing in 2004 didn't have the phones we have now . But I still remember how he said things but not his voice . I lost his voice the moment he took his last breath. For years after my husband died I could only look at a few photos of him . It was just to hard . But always had a wedding photo of us on display. After a few years I have my favourite photo of him on the mantle piece and still do. When it would have been our 40th wedding anniversary I wanted to look at our photo album but I couldn't. But did a few days later and remembered all the things that went wrong that day but remember with laughter and tears. Not having a card or present at Christmas is still hard for me after 20 years as Christmas was his favourite time of the year. He was a big kid. But he was mine.

Doodle don't expect to ever come to terms with your grief because you won't but embrace it as we grieve because we loved and still loved our other halves. Loving someone so much hurts when they die but we are the lucky ones to have loved and be loved in return . It's hard being on your own and worse for you as you had longer with your darling husband. Coming to terms of being on your own is extremely hard but it takes years to get used to it. So pleased don't expect to be used to it. But you have to live your life to the full for yourself but also your husband. You know he would hate you to give up like I know my husband would hate me to. He told me to live the best life I can and I do . You must do to.

Ellie Anne have you looked at what is on at your local library. Mine has lots of things going on everyday. It's where my craft group is. Plus lot of churches have groups and you don't have to be a believer . Age UK has things going on in different towns.

That's it for now.

Wyllow Oh I'm so sorry to hear of your very bad day yesterday. You absolutely did right to phone MH people and the email such a good thing so they know how bad you are. I do hope they get back to you today and can assure you of more help. Once a fortnight isn't good enough. Well done with supermarket shop, that must have been so daunting feeling as you did.
Candy Glad you've managed to get away again. You sound almost as busy as when you were working. The tennis table isn't a full sized one , we have no room( no garage) but we're hoping it will keep grandson amused when he comes.
Scaredycat I hadn't realised the extent of your anxiety during lockdown and how you suffered. Don't think I was on here till a bit later but it must have been so hard for you. You sound such a sociable person and you must have missed your family so much. It seems unreal now to look back at it all.
I'm hoping the table tennis will amuse DGS and yes he will be getting job as ball boy. We could only play for20mins and we'd had enough.😂
HVDY You sound as if your day is going to be very busy! You put me to shame though our bedding is on the line drying from a wash this morning.

Well, this morning was annoying. DHs phone appt 9-45 didn't happen. Waited and waited. DH looked at his NHS app and saw it had been cancelled yesterday aft and changed to Sept 16th! DH had no notification to say it was in his NHS app and only knew when he went into it. Somethings not right. In letter from Rheumatologist when he was writing to Cardiovascular it said DH has what he think is Subclavion Steal Syndrome so I'm worried about the wait. His BP is still around 70mm difference in arms.
Look forward to Rheumatology appt next week - at least that's F2F.
Psychology appt this afternoon- it will be last.
So much better with depression and anxiety than I was. Don't think there's anything magical to take away the fear of life's hurdles. Don't want to slip back into the scary place I was.

Hope everyone's day is as well as can be.
Thinking of you all as I always do. X

ScaredyCat I'm glad your GGS's Crohn's is manageable at the moment. Does he have to follow a certain diet? My mum (and dad) had both died before the 2nd brother - he went 20 years ago. Just got the eldest brother left, he's 12 years older than I am. I know what you mean about wishing you had your old energy - I wish I had some energy .

Candy6 Nice that you were able to spend time at your caravan. Good weather, too. Does the site have entertainment on?

Wyllow3 Well done for getting your shopping done. I hope you get a response from the care agency soon and that they'll somehow get something sorted out to help you.

It's cooler today, thankfully. I've changed the bed, done 2 lots of washing and will vacuum, mop and polish later. DH is mowing the lawn - it must be over a foot long. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

I’m glad your pain eased off enough for you to go out, HVDY, and that the lunch was nice, but yes getting fed up is very understandable.

Its so true Doodle that nice things also trigger sadness x

I’m glad to hear DH’s headaches were a little better Sweetpeasue may it continue. I’m sorry it’s not F2F - but do hope it’s helpful.

Scardeycat you’v been through so much with your family..…glad GGS is stable.

Wave, Candy! Just glad you’ve had more time at the caravan.

I only see a MH worker fortnightly as the carer thing was supposed to kick in.

Nadaterturbe if you come in warm thoughts still with you.

I felt so very bad today I phoned about things and decided to send an email which talked about my mood and the lack of anything happening on the carer front, they will see it tomorrow as neither of my workers were in today. The shortage of help is scary. Managed supermarket shop as fridge empty.

night night BD's

Evening all
I haven’t been in for a while as I had a busy time at the end of last week and intended to catch up at the weekend but we went to our caravan and my iPad wouldn’t connect to the internet there (it’s a weak signal). I can read on my phone but find it difficult to type on it.

Scaredycat sounds like you had a nice bbq. It’s lovely to meet up with family. Hope the olympics didn’t tire you out too much! I’ve been watching some of the actual Olympics on TV and quite enjoying it. The dedication and commitment of the athletes is outstanding, their families too. Hope you’ve had a good day today.
HVDY aw so Chubby Chops is walking! There’ll be no stopping her now bless her. They grow up so quickly. Glad you had a nice lunch and I hope you’re not in too much pain now. I can understand your frustration in having to rest, so annoying for you.
Sweetpeasue hope you get your table tennis table sorted soon. They’re such fun. We’ve had one for years and my DS and DH used to play a lot. Not so much now DS has moved out but they do play when he visits. I play sometimes too and our GS is just starting so a multi-generational piece of equipment that has served us well and hope yours does too. I hope your DH’s appointment goes well tomorrow, even though it’s not really what you wanted. I much prefer F2F too. Good luck.
Doodle I’m glad your videos are of comfort to you. I don’t think I’ve got any of us - I’ve got lots of videos but they’re mainly of DGS and the dog. It’s something for us to think about doing I think. You are continuing to cope and that’s good. Being able to cry is good too. A release. I’m just sorry you are having to go through all this. Take care.
Wyllow you too are continuing to cope even though it’s obviously hard. Do you just see your MH worker once a week? I hope you’ve managed the basics today and if you have then well done, if not, then there’s always tomorrow. Sending ❤️.
Ellie Anne sorry things are difficult for you but it sounds like you had a nice time with DS2 and family. His wife sounds nice. Try and do something you really enjoy for your birthday. Maybe visit a different town and look around the shops? It may not be your thing though I know. That’s what I’d do. I don’t mind doing things on my own, in fact, sometimes I prefer it. I have lots of things I do alone. My DH has always worked long days so I’ve got my own routine. He doesn’t do as much anymore but I carry on as I enjoy the things I do. I hope you find something that makes you happy.
Nadaterturbe I’m sorry you’ve been poorly. I hope a good rest rejuvenates you and your DH feels better too.

Love to all those not personally mentioned. Night all xx

Hi all.
EllieAnne- as Doodle said perhaps you could try anothe4 U3A- the one I belong to is not the nearest one to me.
Doodle- Glad you could spend time with your BiL and wife. Yes it does feel sad to chat together and there is a loved person missing- but it’s also good to be with people who loved your DH and remember some good times.
As you say I am so much better than those days of lockdown when everything scared me and my past was haunting me. Thanks to the kindness and understanding of you dear friend and others who understood what anxiety felt like.
My eldest GGS is an inventive chap for sure. He deals with his Crohns so well and is stable at the moment thank goodness.
You can get some really good Ping meals now can’t you especially M and S.
SweetPeaSue- glad you got out yesterday. A table tennis table is a great idea - I,m impressed with such an energetic game. I wouldn’t be able to do that now but I,ve done lots of sport in the past.Your GS will love it - he can do a lot of ball retrieving!!
Oh I,m sorry your town has been involved in some rioting- what makes people behave like that - as you say it’s disgusting. Hope your town is peaceful now.
Glad DH has a call tomorrow - hope he gets some concrete help.
You had the same dinner as us tonight- I love Quiche.
Nadateturbe- don’t worry yourself about posting rest and recuperate. You don’t need an upset tummy on top of all you put up with. So sorry your DH has been poorly too and hope you both start to feel better soon.
Wyllow- so many things to remind you of past hurt and lost good times. At least you had your shower and got ready for the day.
Yup BBQ - DD and I were the prawn fans !! I think I,ve been a bit like a Duracell Bunny lately - it’s the need I have to do as much as I can when I can- very conscious of the clock ticking.
I know what you mean about weekends - it’s a bit like being abandoned - it takes a choice away doesn’t it.
Hope today had some moments of peacexxx
HVDY- love the trampolining squirrels! Like my garden cat visitor who uses the bird house!!
Yes the garden Olympics was fun - how I wished I had my old energy😩
Glad you had a nice lunch - you are such lovely people your DHs Sister must have so enjoyed it.
You are managing with all that pain it must take it out of you- rest day tomorrow?
I knew you lost one of your brothers but so sorry you lost another. Your poor Mum too - such pain for her.
Hope you have a comfortable night and decent sleep.
Love to all BDs - present ,past , new ,old , or just reading.

SPSue I meant the problem with your husband's Subclavian artery

Doodle Nice that you saw your BIL and his wife. Is that your husband's brother? He must miss your DH too. When my mum died, also my brothers, I couldn't bear to look at any photos of any of them - it was years before I did. There were protests in Nottingham city centre, as well as some rioting, over the w/e. We don't go there anyway, but it must have been frightening for anyone working or shopping there.
My pain has been bearable, thanks. I'm taking Ibuprofen and Paracetamol when needed. Lunch was very nice. DH's sister asked us out, but we picked her up/took her back (she hasn't got a car) and paid. We are daft like that. She paid for a cup of tea at a garden centre afterwards.

SweetpeaSue Your dinner sounds good. I love quiche. Glad your husband has at least got a scheduled call tomorrow. I think the sibclavian artery can cause tiredness and muscle aches. I hope he'll get some answers tomorrow. It's a good idea to have some questions written down beforehand. I'm fed-up with this pain, but there's nothing I can do except rest and take painkillers - damned thing.

Wyllow3 I hope today has been a bit better for you.

Hope ALL BDers manage to have a restful night x

Nadateturbe Glad you managed to post - so sorry you're going through such a rough time and your DHbeen ill too. It's hard when you both go down poorly and so difficult for you with the ME too. Don't worry about posting. Hope you start to feel better soon.
Wyllow Glad you are able to say more here as hopefully it helps a little to get feelings out, though obvs not able to explain fully on open forum. Hope you've felt a little better today but it's worrying about lack of carers. Agree about garden centres- they're quite undemznding places to visit with so many ideas and can give inspiration. I always thought they were for older people when my mum used to go and now I'm one! Thinking of you and wishing you better.
HVDY My DGS loves his trampoline at my son's house. Fancy squirrels running up the netting , they can be very bold can't they. To have your pain constantly must get you down so much .You do so well to keep getting out and I'm sorry you're having to rest up to keep it at a level you can manage. Hope you managed the lunch with your SIL without the pain spoiling it. We've just had quiche , salad and baked potato for dinner .Not had quiche for yrs but it was a nice change. I like beetroot too( not pickled) but have to have coleslaw with salad.
Doodle Hope your day has not been too bad and you've been able to get out and have company. Thinking of you.

Rheumatologist letter to GP had stated he was getting in touch with Vascular Dr about DHs partly blocked artery between neck/shoulder. DH just looked at his NHS app this morning by chance and it stated he'd get phone appt tomorrow morning from Vascular. We'd assumed he'd get F2F appt. No letter or anything- just as well he looked at it. His headaches have improved a little which I'm encouraged about. He just gets so tired and can get a bit breathless. The artery was subclavian artery and read that can affect hand so not sure now if GP got it right that it's the carpal tunnel pain. He's had carpal op and never had pain in that hand since. Wish appt tomorrow was F2F. Wish I had more faith in the system . Dr's try their best but just worry about all the time constraints as so many patients.

Hope everyone has a peaceful night with quiet minds and less pain. Thinking of those not mentioned too. X

Sweetpeasue please do take your videos. If I didn’t have mine I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t have to watch them everyday but it comforts me to know I have them.
Had a nice day out with BIL and his wife. Hurt to think DH wasn’t here chatting with us.
So sorry about the rioting. Must be so frightening. Ordinary people getting caught up in such violence.
That table tennis will keep you fit.
nadateturbe sorry you feel so unwell. Antibiotics can play havoc with your stomach and if your stomach is upset it’s hard to get going. Hope you feel better soon and your DH.
Wyllow i can’t do music either, upsets me too much.
I feel a bit adrift at weekends but I know I can contact family. You must feel so lost at times. Wish I knew what to say or do to help you through this. Sending a hug x
Scardycat you BBQ sounds good fun. Your garden olympics too. What a clever chap your GGS is. You’ve had a lovely time visiting family. How you’ve come on since the days of lockdown. So pleased for you but yes of course you will be tired now.
HVDY to be in constant pain is awful I know from watching my DH. Hope you managed to enjoy your lunch. Did you have a good visit?

ScaredyCat The BBQ sounds great. I do chicken skewers when we have one, as well as the usual things. Ooh, I love profiteroles. I bet the "Garden Olympics" was entertaining! We've got a huge trampoline, but so far, only the 3 squirrels have been on it! They run up and down the netting.

EllieAnne Glad you spent time with your GS. How old is he? Children are so entertaining, aren't they? Nice that you get on well with your DIL.

SweetpeaSue I'm glad you managed to go out for a while. A table tennis table sounds like a good idea. There were groups of protesters in Nottingham recently, and anti-protesters, too. I don't go into the city centre anyway, but saw it on the news. I think it's likely that more cities will have the same.

nadateturbe Sorry you are feeling so rough at the moment. Hope you and your husband soon feel better.

Wyllow3 I'm glad you feel able to express yourself here, re your MH. We all want you to feel better, so koko.

After another day of doing nothing, my pain has eased off (it doesn't go) and so DH and I are going for lunch with his sister today. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

I cant be bothered, HVDY, cant explain why except - its serious state of MH. I have to try and push MH to help with carer stuff. No, atm music doesnt “Speak” to me. It sort of hurts too much, like going in the wrecked garden and thinking of abusive ex - when times were good... so I retreat. I did shower and get dressed today. I can say more here than to family.

*Ellie Anne was so glad to read that DiL is a light in your life, however small. I know what you mean by not being able to think of the “whats nice” except pamper stuff as I dont like cakes or chocs.

I’m sure we all feel..when people make suggestions, we cant take them, its just a way of really caring.

Ooo, chubby chops is walking, HVDY! Again, hope the rest day has reduced the pain.

Scardeycat yes missing some others too…glad it was a fun BBQ I’d have gone with the prawns.
I’m not surprised you are tired, don’t be hard on yourself, you really have been busy.

Keep those feet up for a while now.

Doodle glad today was relatively nice. Of course those tears will hit you when you get home after company koko dear. xxx

Weekend are worse as I know the MH team aren’t there to ring, even if I dont (if you see what I mean)

Used to love ping pong with Sweetpeasue actually good exercise. Garden centres can be relaxing full of ideas you dont have to buy.
I’ve been on the politics threads so agree what you say.

nadateturbe just so glad you came in, and I’m so sorry, it sounds really tough atm - hang in there and thinking of you too

Night night to BD’s both here and reading.

Hello everyone, I started a draft post but not really up to finishing it. Will try and post tomorrow.
Feel really rotten and husband has been ill. Think mine is worsening of M E. Too much time lying around in pjs, not even doing jigsaws. Plus stomach very bad after course of antibiotics.
Thinking of you all. xx

Doodle I'm glad you've had a nice day -church and saw sons this afternoon. When my mum's DH died she used to say one of the worst things was coming home and opening the door to an empty home. She missed not being able to simply tell him about talking to others. I'm sorry you've felt bad again when you got home. It must make you feel so alone. Thankyou for reminding me of taking videos. Actually DH hates being on camera but I think I can get round that , somehow. Hope your dinner is nice.
Wyllow Hope your day has been a bit better today. Please don't hate yourself - it's the illness and it must be so very hard to feel motivated to do the simplest things. I do hope you're on the most appropriate medicines and will see a difference in yourself soon. As Scaredycat says you will get there.
Scaredycat It must be so lovely to see everyone and feel such a vital part of your big close family. You deserve a rest after all that. I bet the garden Olympics was funny and very entertaining! What an inventive GGS. No beach walks today.
Garden Centre and coffee and choc muffin 🫣
HVDY Oh dear must be so frustrating for you to not be able to do what you want to do. So sorry you've got all this pain . You are doing the right thing by resting on alternate days so you can manage it, even if its boring. Ah your little chubby chops taking first steps . It's so brave of them isn't it and they always look so delighted afterwards when others are heaping praise on them. So sweet. She'll be everywhere soon.
EllieAnne I'm not keen on birthdays actually , at least not my own. I hope you manage to find something you can do but just do whatever you feel like and don't worry about others. It's your day so do whatever you like. I wish I knew what to say to be of help.
Nadateturbe I hope you're OK. Thinking about you.

Garden centre today, just browsed reall- but tried to find a climbing plant to replace another. We sent for a table tennis table and net and it arrived today. Thought it might be fun for GS as he's getting older and (and so am I!) and I can't play football with my knee. We've had a go ourselves and it was more energetic than I thought. Bending down to retrieve the lost ping pong balls was like a full workout!
On way back from garden centre called in Sainsbury's in town. So glad didn't go into town as really bad rioting only down the road from supermarket. So frightening I'm shocked. Such anger. Our town been on sky news , it's disgusting.

Hope all BDs have had a reasonable weekend and love to all and those not personally mentioned here. You are all in my thoughts.

Sweetpeasue I don’t know what I’d do without my videos of DH. Glad you’ve got a recording of your dad. It’s hard to remember other peoples voices.
I’ve had a nice day. Church this morning then out with out two sons this afternoon. Came home to tears but settling now.
Wyllow sorry you’ve had such a bad day. Do you find weekends worse or does it make no difference?
Ellie Anne hope you enjoyed your time with your son and family. Your DGS sound fun. Your DIL sounds nice. Could you meet up with any of your family at the weekend if they are working during the week. Won’t see our sons or family on my birthday either as they’re working,
You could try U3A that in another town. Mine didn’t have anything suitable for me but one further away had a seated exercise class. Hope you find a walking group or something soon. What about an art class?
HVDY DH and I got in really well together. We spent all our time together through choice. I find it hard to think I’ve lot that. So Chubby chops is walking. Won’t be long before your dashing after her holding her hand as she walks around. Lovely age,
Scaredycat no my birthday is Monday week. I will see my family Sunday. They are arranging something.
Yes I did have a good day thanks. Hope you did too.
Got to go my dinner is pinging 🤣🤣

Please don’t think I am ungrateful for suggestions. I have looked into some but . Still looking for a walking group on my level . U3a has nothing suitable at the moment but will keep checking.

Afternoon all.
It’s very quiet on BD at the moment- I hope all those who we haven’t seen lately are doing ok - missing you.
Doodle- I hope you are having a good day with your Sons- it’s a lovely day here and hope it is too where you are. Is it your birthday today?
I,m glad you have lots of vids and photos of your DH- good advice for SweetPeaSue . I have photos but no vids.
What a good thing your Art Class has proved to be- they sound a nice group of people. Did you draw your wooden figures first then paint or just paint straight on?
I,m glad too you get comfort from your Church and the people there.
Sending a hugx
SweetPeaSue- it must be lovely to be able to hear your Dad singing. A lovely sentiment in the song too. Voices are always difficult to remember after many years.
Hope your weekend has had some enjoyable moments- any beach walks?
Wyllow3- please dont hate yourself - you are certainly not useless by any means. You are such a clever,kind and caring lady who is going through a difficult time.Hopefully the carer situation can be sorted soon.
Hope this morning you have been able to shower and get dressed it really does make you feel better. The fact that you KOKO even when you feel the pits shows that you have a fighting spirit inside you.
There are better times to come .x
EllieAnne- your DiL had the right idea and sounds kind. Is there a place near you that you like where you could go and spend some time,have coffee and cake and watch the world go by- maybe treat yourself to something nice to wear. I realise you feel alone but try and look at it as a please yourself day.
I think you feel tired because that long drive and the emotion involved wore you out.
HVDY-Wow just seen Chubby Chops has taken off- bet you can’t wait to see her toddling about. I,m so glad you have that little girl in your life.
Thank you it was a fun BBQ. My GGS had made up some Garden Olympics for us to do - no team GB possibles there!!
We had good food. Prawn Skewers,ribs,chicken pieces,burgers hot dogs salad etc. Then pavlova or profiteroles - or both!!
I,m extremely tired after what seems a long time of meet-ups and holidays - but feel very lucky to have been able to see so many of this big scattered family the last few weeks.
I know you must feel bored but resting will give you energy for next week hopefully. I,m doing the same thing - feet up watching Olympics. How do those Gymnasts do those gravity defying moves!! I,m happy if I can manage to get up off the floor!!
Sending love to allxx

Doodle Certain things my husband says or does irritate me (and vice versa) but I know I'd miss all those things if he weren't here. You had been with your husband even longer, so that loss must be immeasurable. I know your sons will look after you and I hope you have a nice time with them today.

Wyllow3 Thank you, the pain was bearable yesterday. Resting again today, which is boring me so much. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. Do you read, listen to music, or paint/draw at all? Or can't you be bothered with things like that?

EllieAnne Sorry you're so lonely. Apart from things we've all tried to suggest (groups etc), I don't know what else to say.

DIL texted me last night - Chubby Chops took her first few steps yesterday (on grass) while at an air show. Just been with DH to get the car valeted. Another day of sitting around, resting. Hope ALL BDers manage to have a decent day x

Yes dh came to the park which stresses me but he went to the car when we went for a walk and was asleep when we came back. Dgs is a character and likes to organise every one.
I won’t see anyone on my birthday because dd is in Yorkshire and both sons working and not close enough to pop in. My lovely d in l who I saw yesterday said do something nice for yourself but I don’t know what! Going somewhere alone just emphasises how alone you are and I do feel very alone.
And this tiredness that’s come over me recently means I don’t walk as much.

Ellie Anne sorry things are so tough. Birthdays are one of those times when we come up against it badly.

Home Bargains and Pound shop are just those for to places, Scaredycat. I hope the BBQ has gone well.

I hope the rest day has eased matters, HVDY

I’m glad you have videos especially Doodle

Wondering how some regular BD’s are doing but not in, sending love and warm thoughts.

Today just the pits. So isolated. Couldn’t get anything together except hang in there koko and post a bit. Hate self for being useless. Unwashed, dressing gown.

Doodle Sorry, I just wrote long rambling post to you and have just lost it. You don't need to apologise at all. Yes of course it's frightening but you must keep coming in and telling it how it is. We all want to be there for you, however
tiny a difference that makes. You are so right about videos ect and thankyou for reminding me of that. I have a recording of my Dad singing 'Keep right on to the end of the road ' and the last line 'I'll be there at the end of the road ' means so much to me singing it in his own voice.
Never realised when I recorded him at the time , when I was 15, how much it would mean. Hope you have a good meeting up with your sons tomorrow. Keep looking after you own physical health too. I think it must be soon when you have your op.sorry can't remember if you have new date yet.

Love to all BDs and anyone reading with upsetting worries and problems. X

Sweetpeasue I’m so sorry I’ve frightened you. Losing your beloved is the worst thing but somehow people get through.
You do help me. I know you care and you can’t say anything wrong because I know your words come through caring.
All I would say is take some videos of your DH and lots of photos. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t hear DH’s voice or see him smiling or laughing. It hurts to watch but I wouldn’t be without them.
Had a good ish day today. Few tears when I realised DH wouldn’t be sending me a birthday card this year. That upset me. Had coffee with friend and going out with sons tomorrow.
Wyllow a lot of the people I meet up with now are people from church or art class. I have been lucky they are friendly. The church has been a blessing. Hope you get your carers sorted out soon.
Ellie Anne it’s a shame you haven’t got a friend you can confide in but I understand about not wanting to share your feelings with those who wouldn’t understand.
Hope you have a nice time in the park with your son and family. Is your DH going too? Why won’t you see family on your birthday or during the week? Are they busy?
Scaredycat thank you for your comforting words. I am finding some days easier than others. I do laugh and try to enjoy things. It’s the odd moments that something triggers a memory.
Hope you enjoyed the family BBQ
HVDY been painting some wooden figures. Not very well I might add.
Chubby chops sounds a lovely little girl. So happy. H